Last weekend I had my first Biblical counseling training seminar. I hope to soon circle back around to all I loved about that weekend, but that's not the point of this post. One of the teachers gave us this illustration:
When you take a water bottle and smash it, water will go flying out of the bottle. Why? Why does the water go flying? Well, the quick answer is because you smashed it. But the actual answer? The water goes flying out of the bottle because there was water in the bottle.
There are several other illustrations of this same concept. You get it though.
Last weekend I had some heart checks about a few things.
And then my water bottle got smashed.
The stomach virus has been lingering around our house for one person or another for the last nine days. I got it first and definitely got the most mild version of it. It seemed to gain force with each passing day. Adam went down on Sunday (which- it's cruel in itself to have Daddy be bedridden on a weekend day. I can handle a week day. But the weekend? Come on! That's a teamwork day!) But then he left for a work retreat before the sun came up on Tuesday.
One of my takeaways from the weekend was to keep my focus on God's glory. Even wanting a little bit of glory for myself (which that can manifest itself in a lot of different ways) is self worship.
Side note: I've decided that Christians need to start calling sin as it is. We don't address sin enough these days. End side note.
So, the goal the whole time Adam was gone: God be glorified!
I knew that I'd be vulnerable with a week of no Adam just because- exhaustion. But then Isaac succumbed to the virus the morning Adam left, the final Tomberlin to fall. All Tuesday morning I kept God's glory at the forefront of my mind. I decided early on to relinquish any agenda I had for the day and just be with my sick child, just the one at the time. Things were going well until dinner. And by well I mean that Nolan was pushing my buttons, but that three year old was not getting the best of me. But dinner happened. I had planned on us eating quickly and then going for a walk in order to wear Nolan out before dinner.
But he was being so difficult.
And I was getting frustrated (nicer word for angry, am I right?)
He's been taking so long at the table lately. I'm talking 40 minutes and beyond. Tuesday night was no exception. And he was getting really sassy with the way he was talking to me, and I was NOT happy with him. His sin was amplifying my sin, or vice versa. But I recognized this. And you know what Nolan said to me? "Mommy, do you want to say sorry to me?" Ugh. NO!! DO YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY TO ME?! But I humbled myself. I apologized.
Before bed I reminded Nolan that he needed to be really quiet in the morning because Isaac was sick and needed to get all the sleep he could.
The next morning I heard Nolan crying well before the normal time that I get them, and I was angry (that's me calling sin what it is). I stood outside their door, took a deep breath, quoted Proverbs 15:1 to myself and walked in. It smelled horrendous in there. Isaac started crying in response to Nolan's crying, and I told Nolan he had to wait for me to come back while I changed Isaac's awful diarrhea diaper. Nolan cried the whole time I was out of his room.
When I came back into the room, I turned on the light, firmly said, "Nolan Tomberlin!" And then I saw him covered in vomit.
And I nearly fell to the floor in guilt.
Nolan was crying because he was sick and covered in old throw up. That's what smelled so horribly, not Isaac's diaper (though that was awful, too). As I started to apologize profusely and clean him up and assure him that Mommy always wants to help him, I just felt terrible. The words I used to text Adam were, "scum of the Earth."
But you know what happened? My water bottle was smashed, and my water came out.
And it was really yucky water apparently.
The rest of the day was basically non-stop cleaning up of bodily fluids. Nolan was a disaster all day. Isaac, thankfully, was super laid back, so all of my attention was on Nolan. It was a long, hard day. And a good ole dose of humble pie. I really did die to myself all day long. And you know what? I needed a good kick to the booty.
I cried that morning. Not just because I felt so horribly for treating Nolan so harshly, but this was a discouraging, humbling realization of where my heart was. But I got to repent right there in the midst of my awful morning, and ask God's grace to wash over me. And I can assure you I leaned hard into God's strength the rest of the day.
I'm thankful on days like yesterday that it's highly unlikely that Nolan will ever say, "Remember that time you let me cry in my dried vomit while you chose to help Isaac first because you were mad?" I'm thankful that my water bottle is getting smashed right now. I want these idols of the heart to come crashing down now. I want to die to self in these early years of my children's lives. This life of mine isn't about me. I pray that God can continue to refine me (gently is the preferred way). Not to say that I'm going to just "get it," and by the time my kids are teenagers I'll basically be a sanctified beauty. But I do trust that God is working in me.
This morning, Isaac was covered in diarrhea, and I thought to myself, "Oh sweet mercy! I can't endure another day!" But I didn't have to. Both boys improved as the day went on. I will say, when Nolan is hangry, oh my word, he's a bear! But I deserved a bear after yesterday to be honest.
When I held Isaac right before lowering him into his crib, the nightlight behind me cast a shadow of the two of us onto the wall. I stared at that shadow and took a mental picture. These moments are so fleeting. As I was spending some extra time with Nolan in his bed tonight, we were whispering on and on about fruit trees. He eventually said, "I've been thinking about fruit trees all day. I just needed to know about them." And I wanted to snuggle him forever.
I can only hope and pray I continue to die a little bit more each day. But oh sweet Jesus, please don't make it happen in the form of the stomach virus anymore!!!
