I had the thoughts and intentions to sit down and write about 17 times since the last time, which was 7 weeks ago. But alas. Here it is.
As September closed, I was feeling pretty steady, and then October came.
I've had ongoing complications with my stomach since the miscarriage in June, and I finally sought out a GI to get some help. I sat in her office almost 4 months to the day of our second loss, and I listened to this doctor tell me that unfortunately I could be experiencing IBS as a result of the miscarriage. She gave me a new diet to follow for 6 weeks, some powerful (and expensive) probiotics, and sent me on my way. I did see almost instant positive results, and by the second week of this diet, I realized that some of these dietary changes could be staying with me indefinitely. And it feels so disappointing to have that attached to a miscarriage for so many reasons. Being an avid baker, going gluten-free stinks. Having to tell people who invite us over for dinner that I can't eat a list of food stinks (It's all 100% doable and a first world problem, I understand).
Once October comes, I spend too much time looking for Christmas pajamas for my kids. I love Christmas pajamas. I usually get 2 pairs each season. One set is distinctively THE Christmas pajamas, and I try for one set to be more wintry. Last year I was looking for three boys, and this year, just two. When I found THE Christmas pjs, there was an infant version to "complete the set." And my heart ached. I want to need the infant version. There could've been another Tomberlin in those pajamas. We've also been open for a foster placement for two and a half months with no child placed in our home.
Last week, I realized I was late, and I had the thought that I could be pregnant. The thought that God was going to give us a baby when we were trying to NOT have a baby was exciting! I waited a couple of days, but I eventually took a pregnancy test simply because I could not handle the thought that I was pregnant and not taking every measure possible for a healthy baby. But no. Just my cycle out of whack.
Isaac hit three and a half in October, and I'm aware that my boys are leaving the "little years." Nolan is already out of there. And Isaac is close on his heels (literally and figuratively). It feels like I'm leaving a season I was never ready to see end. Adam and I often comment on the perks of our kids getting out of the needy and demanding younger years. But we'd start over with another one in a heartbeat.
All this to say, October ended up being tricky.
BUT.
I'm reading Tozer's The Pursuit of God, and I've been convicted in every chapter to want God more than I want anything else. In chapter three he says, "...God is so vastly wonderful, so utterly and completely delightful that He can, without anything other than Himself, meet and overflow the deepest demands of our total nature, mysterious and deep as that nature is." That is where I want to be. The prayer of my heart has been, "I long to long for You only."
In Daniel 6, King Darius discovers that Daniel has survived the night with the lions, and he says about the God of Daniel, "for he is the living God, enduring forever; his kingdom shall never be destroyed, and his dominion shall be to the end. He delivers and rescues; he works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth, he who has saved Daniel from the power of the lions." (6:26-27)
I wrote this on an index card to keep in my Bible. I'm thankful this is the God I serve and worship. And He's still a Rescuer and Deliverer. His signs and wonders are on display, and I'm try to be more intentional about noticing them.
God is aware of how I feel about my new diet. God knows the desire of my heart regarding our family. And God Himself is more than enough to satisfy me. And I do believe that is true. I'm just not always convinced. So, when the overwhelming desire to hold our baby hits, "God, you are enough. I want You more than I want our baby." When I want to throw a pity party about the dietary restrictions, "God, I want you more than I want a fixed digestive system. You are enough." I rarely FEEL that way, but I think I've said this many times, I cannot trust my feelings. When I was at a Biblical Counseling training class, the teacher said repeatedly, "Do not trust your heart! Your heart is fickle! TRUST YOUR HEAD!"
I imagine the holidays could be a roller coaster this year. I'm working to be filled with gratitude in every high and every low. He is enough. He's given me more than I ever could deserve. His grace is evident in every moment of every day. And I will keep uttering my heart's longings while asking Him for more of Himself.
