I can't express how disappointing it is to me that I'm writing this after the new year. Almost so disappointing that I wasn't going to write it at all, but I really do love going back and reading these. Also, why does all reflecting have to stop on January 1? That's not a rule I'm accepting any longer.
We made a pretty quick change in plans right before Christmas that we would spend December 29-January 2 at the lake. I intentionally didn't bring my laptop, so I wouldn't have the distraction of it. But that also meant I couldn't write this. It makes me giggle to think about how thrown off I was coming home on January 2. I felt behind already, and I seriously felt like any intentional goal planning for the year was lost. It couldn't happen. The New Year came, and I wasn't ready. And honestly, I still haven't sunk the time I wanted to in really reflecting and also looking forward. Alas, here I go looking back.
COVID
Guess what. Covid didn't go away. At all. Yes, the summer was a little more normal, but Covid still ran rampant, and it caused more and more division among everyone because a vaccine was made available. Before we were arguing over masks, and then it was the vaccine. It was exhausting. Covid still meant no parents at either of the boys' schools. Plans changing or being canceled. Tests, tests, and more tests. Comparing my mental health in 2020 to 2021, I can see that I did adapt to the stress Covid put on me. We still look back on lockdown fondly; Adam has said many times he would take another round of lockdown. But, for the most part, 2021 held a lot more normalcy for us.
LIGHTHOUSE
I continue to love this organization, and I'm so glad Adam works for them. For the first time, a family member came to serve with us on a Lighthouse trip. Adam's sister came to family partner with me over the summer, and it meant so much to me to have someone come see our Lighthouse world. The kids and I were family partners twice this retreat season, and it was really, really impactful to do that again. I hadn't done it since our very first retreat in the spring of 2017. Isaac wasn't even 2. This time, Elliana wasn't even 2. Oh my gosh, it's so much work. And also so worth it. Having Adam's sister with us was a gift, and thankfully, she had a great week, too.
Anniversary Trip
This was hands down one of the highest of highs from my year. Adam and I went back to Washington for 5 nights to do some new exploring and also go to all of our favorites from when we lived there. Getting there, like actually getting on the plane, was truly awful. I cried buckets of tears in the week leading up to leaving. BUCKETS. I was really anxious about flying. I was really anxious about leaving Elliana. A lot of anxiety. A lot of fear. A lot. But I am so glad I could get myself on that plan to go. Adam told me the day before we left that we could change our plans, so I didn't have to fly. But I knew I needed to do it. The time with Adam did wonders for my soul and my heart. Hiking in such outrageously beautiful spaces breathed life into me. Sitting here thinking about that trip, it's giving me all the feels. I hate that Washington is so stinking far away and so expensive because I really do love it there so much. For a vacation.
It's also worth noting (for me) that God really has done a remarkable work in our marriage. In 2017, when we started fostering, that was the beginning of some hard years. With 2019 being the hardest year of my life to date. Now, that was the year Elliana was born, and I cannot fathom how I would have managed that year without the burst of joy she is. At the end of 2019, Adam and I were meeting with our marriage counselors, and I told them that when our anniversary had come around just a couple weeks prior, I looked at Adam and asked, "What are we celebrating? That we made it? We didn't quit?" Things were not great. We kept fighting, working, pushing through our stuff, and it's amazing (and a relief) to see the healing God has done.
Church
This continues to be a very hard thing for us. Church in the pandemic was tough. Is tough. We have been calling this certain church our church for almost 2 years now, which is just laughable. We are not plugged in. We only know a few people. We aren't serving. We question whether we really want to belong to this church almost every time we go. We really haven't felt that sense of belonging at a church since we left the church we loved almost 4 years ago!! That's a long time. And it's really tiring.
Loss
To be honest, when I look back on 2021, I think about a lot more grief. I had two more miscarriages this year, and they were really, really hard. With the joy and delight of Elliana being really fresh (as in, we were completely mush about her still), losing babies felt really painful. We experienced the gift of Elliana and all that she did for her family, so we could picture and feel all that we were losing with the loss of those lives. The second one this year, fourth one all together, felt especially life sucking because it came with the dread that maybe there were no more babies for us. I also made the decision not to tell anyone other than Adam for almost a month. I was really not doing well, and I was nervous that I would tell people and their lack of concern/compassion would be even more painful. I feared a fourth miscarriage would be like background noise, and I was hurting too much to feel that on top of it. In some ways, I was right.
Miscarriage has been really lonely. I think about them every single day. And no one ever asks me how I'm doing. It's an unfortunate accompaniment of miscarriage- the fact that people don't know the "right" thing to say, so nothing is said at all. But it also makes me wonder- am I crazy? Am I crazy that this is sad and hard?
One of the many ways miscarriage has changed me is that I see (I think I do) other people's hurts or unfulfilled longings a little more easily with a lot more compassion. The ladies I know who long to be married. The woman desperately wanting her first child. Marriages that unravel and families that break apart. I'd like to think God has used these losses in my life to help me see other people a little better.
Twisted Cycle
For the first time ever, I paid to be a part of a gym. I took a free week of classes back in early August, and I loved them so much. So much! Adam agreed that it would be money worth spending because of how much I enjoyed it. So, I paid to be able to go 8 times a month. And now, I'm working the childcare room twice a week to get a free membership. I know this seems like a really insignificant part to mention. But it's been such a good thing for me. I love both the competition and community it provides. Adam came with me the day after Thanksgiving, and he did NOT get hooked like I did. He called it torture.
2021 held a lot of good, a lot of hard, and a lot in between. I'm grateful for the health of my family, immediate and at large. I haven't quite gotten to the goal planning for 2022, and I actually think I want to sit in the looking back a little longer.
