For the first time ever, I went a full year without logging on here. And it makes me think I'm ready to be done with this space. I want to save what's written, but obviously, this isn't where I'm processing or remembering or documenting. Sadly, I'm just not doing enough of that anywhere.
But also for the first time, I've actually spent some time journaling about last year which might make this easier, more concise.
Disclaimer: It's very hard for me to look back on 2023 and not focus mostly on August-December. I was trying to work my way there a few mornings this week, but wow! It was challenging.
What stood out in 2023, starting with the biggest markers...
Adam left Lighthouse.
The full story of how this transition came to be is not about to be hashed out. But it is without question that God moved Adam from saying in March, "I do not want to leave Lighthouse. I love my job, and I love who I work with." To, "I think I'm done at Lighthouse," in August. Thought I witnessed the whole thing, and I lived through the stress and chaos that Lighthouse brought to our family in more ways than one, I was pretty crushed when it became clear that God was leading Adam somewhere else. I mean, I cried and cried and cried the week Adam painfully and slowly told people over the course of 5 days. It was very surprising to me and Adam. And I had a really hard time explaining what was happening inside of me. But I felt the loss of this work and this community and this ministry so very deeply. Lighthouse was a place for us to belong as a family. There was a place for me to work alongside Adam in a few different capacities. This was a mission we very much believed in and that we both sacrificed greatly for. Our whole family did. Adam remained completely sure and steadfast in the face of all of the pleading, and that was super helpful. Adam's final weekend working for Lighthouse, we were in Florida doing an event. When the DJ called for the last song, Adam asked me to dance, and I cried into this shoulder. It was time to move on. And it was so hard for me.
Adam took a job with a camp in North Carolina. Upon saying yes to this job it meant a lot of travel for the first 3 months of his time there.
My Twisted Cycle Closed
About 5 days after Adam's official last day at Lighthouse, I got an email that my Twisted Cycle location was closing effective immediately. No warning. Nothing. I was supposed to work 3 classes the following day, but the studio was already completely empty- not a bike or a piece of equipment remained. And this was so, so hard. The timing coming right after Adam's big change at work was especially difficult. I lost my place to workout. I lost my people who I so loved working out with. I lost all of the relationships with the people I was coaching. It was swift and felt severe. But I know that it was magnified because of the other changes. I was immediately offered a job on another Twisted Cycle team that I said yes to right away, and I probably should've waited to process the news a little more. I began coaching at a new location a week later. It's been almost 4 months, and it's still been such an adjustment. I workout there once, maybe two times a week. I coach 3 classes but on 3 different days, so it's more demanding on my schedule. And it has taken me a while to make those meaningful connections with members. There has been A LOT of talking with Adam about whether I will continue, and I still don't have a clear answer. I keep doing it now, but I'm holding it very loosely.
Elliana started preschool.
Well, this was inevitable. But it was still tough to swallow. I'm not going to deep dive into this, but it was a reminder that this wasn't how I wanted things to go. Meaning, I didn't want Elliana to be my last baby. I wasn't ready to put a bow on the little years, but I had to accept this reality. I didn't have to send her to preschool this year, but it really was for her joy. The fall semester she went 2 days a week. She often asked to not go on Wednesdays, and I would let her stay with me. We'll see what the spring semester holds for her. I wanted to commit one morning a week to doing joy activities for myself, and that happened maybe once. I'm hoping to do better this semester.
Parenting
Also not going to deep dive on the world wide web about this facet of 2023, but shoot dang! Parenting changed in July. I can look back and see that I had a pretty constant undercurrent of worry that started then. Health issues, anxiety, and attitudes were coming at us in ways we hadn't dealt with yet. And it was overwhelming at times. Like, walk away with tears in my eyes because I'm so dang weary and frustrated.
So- all of these big markers were in the back half of the year, which is why it's hard for me to remember the first half. And these "big markers" were creating an inner (and sometimes outer) chaos inside of me that was so exhausting. It gets better...
Counseling
I continued going to counseling twice a month for much of 2023. [My last appointment was August 7th. Truly 3 days before Adam got the phone call that would change everything at Lighthouse. So right as my world started to shift, I stopped going to therapy. Perfect.] In the spring of 2023, my counselor finally started doing EMDR with me to try to help with the trauma of 4 miscarriages. This was something we had worked towards, and I had really hoped would help. It was incredibly painful to relive some of those events in order to try to lessen the nearness of those memories to my everyday thoughts, but I'm glad we did. One of the events that we spent a good deal of time on, was a day that I had previously shared with no one. Adam was kind of there when it happened in 2018, but I didn't realize how alone that experience was until I actually said the words out loud. And the look on my counselor's face as I shared actually gave me permission to feel like what I had experienced was in fact awful. And I needed that.
As I've lived through all of the change that came in the final third of the year, I wish that I had still been in counseling. I needed help sorting through what I was experiencing and feeling. I lived so much of the fall with, "Just keep going," ringing in my head. I gave myself no time and no grace. And I felt the consequences of that by the end of the year.
WinShape Marriage
This places continues to be so very special for us. We did a weekend retreat the first weekend of March, and it was one of the best weekends of the entire year. We had so much fun together, and we really needed it. Then we were asked to serve as a host couple in September. The Sunday of that weekend, I got the email from my Twisted Cycle boss that our studio was closed. So, it ended rough, but it was really special serving together. Our very first WinShape marriage retreat was in March of 2019, and Adam and I were struggling. We were facing the hardest year of our marriage by a landslide. During the weekend, I thought we experienced some pretty powerful moments. But a couple of months later the hell-zone that was 2019 in our marriage revealed more fire, refining us even more. We have such a heart for couples walking through fire in their marriages. To serve for the first time in September was very meaningful. We had several moments asking ourselves, "Why are we here? We are so young!" But doesn't God know what He's doing! We had a lot of good conversations with couples younger than us and all in all just enjoyed being there in a different way.
Colorado
We took a family trip to Colorado in September- also just days after getting that email from Twisted Cycle. My head was reeling a little bit, but we had an adventure to chase! It was the first time the kids flew, and they loved it! Colorado was beautiful!!!! Adam got a stomach bug that sidelined him our first full day there. He bounced back for the next day but then was feeling congested and achey the next. It was very, very hard for me to keep a positive mindset. I faked it good for the kids. But I was sad. I had worked really hard to get us there and then we really had to make the most of the circumstances. But the kids have nothing but a glowing report of the trip. I'm thankful for that.
Bible Verses
I decided that memorizing Scripture was going to be a main focus this year, and that's how we spent family devotions this year. We memorized 26 Bible verses, even Elliana. To celebrate we had a family fun day which included spending the night in a hotel. We had our celebration on December 23/24, and it was one of the highlights of the Christmas season, for sure!
Let me bullet point some wins--
* Nolan's current teacher is AH-MAZING! Like, I've cried tears of gratitude more than once for this woman. Oh my word!
* We on purpose chose to pull back on kids activities to free up the calendar- 5 stars! Highly recommend.
* I continued to be intentional about my friendship with one of the ladies in my life, and that has been life giving.
* Nolan got to take a birthday trip with Adam, and it was amazing for them.
* We've changed churches (also this fall- so crazy!), and everyone seems on board and happy with the change.
* We accomplished my goal of hiking 25 times this year! Not 25 different hikes. But we set aside time to get outside and be in nature 25 times, and I'm proud of everyone for doing it. Not everyone was always willing. Note- Adam probably did half.
* I mustered up the courage to fly to Texas to see my friend and her new baby. VERY proud of myself.
* Adam and I celebrated 12 years of marriage!
* Isaac and Nolan both got the Citizen's Award at the end of their 3rd and 1st grade school years.
There was a lot of good this year. A lot of God's kindness. And a lot of change. It took me a couple of months to be able to calm my insides. I just kept looking for normal, not recognizing what had become my new normal. It was a lonely couple of months. I definitely felt like no one understood all that was coming at me at one time, and I knew that I needed support and didn't know how to ask for it. Or maybe I was scared to ask for it.
I don't really have hopes or vision for 2024. I'm still looking back right now, and that's how I want it to be.
