I Struggle

I've been married for almost 11 months now. Which, yes, seems crazy! Wasn't our wedding like last month? Nope. 

It's been more than 10 months.

And I'd say one of the consistent struggles for me as a married woman has been in this tension of wanting to do everything I can to make life easier and better for Adam yet feeling like my weeks are so jam packed that it's all overwhelming. He hates laundry, so naturally, I'll do that. He really doesn't like to cook anything other than omelets, so duh! I enjoy cooking; I'll do that. Ironing? Sure! 

I can remember after going back to work, I had this conversation/confession time with Adam where I admitted that this wasn't easy. Teaching full time. Coaching. And all that those responsibilities entail. Plus trying to do all the housework I was doing in the summer. It felt impossible. And I just wanted him to know. I even said, "I don't need anything to change; I just want you to know that I'm definitely adjusting. This is hard." 

Because surely good wives can do it all, and they probably do it in cute clothes without a hair falling out of place. 

And I can do my best to serve with joy and gladness, but can I be honest? I get plain cranky sometimes. 

Important Interjection: Adam DOES do housework. He cleans the bathrooms like a champ. He refers to the vacuum as his own personal possession because he uses it more than I do, with great enjoyment I might add. 

But there are moments (days?) when I want to cry, "Can't you see that I'm working really hard to make your life at least 10x better than it's ever been before??" 

And you know how unfair that is to Adam? So unfair. 

Because am I not the one who has repeatedly told Adam that I can do this? I can make this all work. And I want to so badly. But some weeks just don't look as pretty as others. 

And I know it's not my cooking or cleaning or ironing that makes Adam's life better than it's ever been before. Just like my life isn't better because he pays the bills on time, takes care of appliance problems, and makes sure my oil is changed.  

But man, do I struggle sometimes- feeling like I'm doing everything I can, yet it's just never enough. Not because of anything Adam is saying, but simply because the expectations I've placed on myself are so beyond realistic. 

I'm sure there are women who can manage to work full time and do it all, even while making it look easy. I'm just not there yet. Probably won't be there ever, as my natural self is not what you would call tidy! 

So. There's my confession for the day. 




  

Still On My Mind And In My Heart

Dear Haiti,

It's been 4 months since we were in your mind boggling land, and I still think about you regularly. When I'm quick to complain about the rain and dropping temperatures, I think back to your dry land and fruitless crops, and I quickly silence my complaints. 

It's getting cooler here. Sometimes, Adam wants to turn the heat on, but I work really hard to convince him otherwise. After all, the inside of our house does not look like this:

When I flip through my pictures, I'm reminded of just how rich my life is. I'm reminded that by God's grace alone I grew up with parents that loved the Lord and loved each other. I've always had food to eat and schools to go to. And Christian schools, at that! I've never lacked for water, much less clean water. My husband and I have excess money every. month. We live in a world of abundance.

But you don't. 

And I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten the stories I heard. Or the people I met. Some of your names are starting to slip from my memory, but your faces are sealed in my heart and in my mind. 

But mostly, my mind goes to you every time I mention the word, "hope." Because, let me tell you, my 1 week visit kind of did a number on my understanding of hope. I had never been in such a hopeless place. My little brain could only dub this place, "impossible." But I know, with confidence, there is hope for you, Haiti. 

Your hope, my hope, can be found in nothing less than Jesus Christ. Because Jesus' story is one of redemption. Of turning ashes into something beautiful. Of bringing a glorious Kingdom out of desolate ruins. And we get to be part of Jesus' story. He uses the broken to bring His glory.

I'm still praying for you, and I'm ready to come back. Hopefully in the spring! 

- Marissa 

Time Is Flying!

When a part of your day is labeled, "calendar," you can't help but notice the days just passing by.  

In our staff meeting yesterday, we started talking about parent-teacher conferences. I thought to myself, "You have got to be kidding me." Is it really time already to start preparing for those?!

Last weekend my parents generously and ever so lovingly flew me to Orlando to experience Disney with my family. There had previously been talk of them going last February, and I was severely bummed to know that I would miss out.    I only get 2 personal days a year, and I used both of them for our wedding. Missing school to go to Disney would just not be an option.

Thankfully, they ended up picking a time when I could go too. We've already missed 2 Disney trips with Adam's family, and both times we'd wonder about what they were doing, who they were seeing, and what rides had been conquered. We never have enough time with our family, so I loved every second of being with them, though it was brief.

Thursday night I pleaded with Adam to come with me. I was trying so hard to convince him to miss work on Friday and come with me to Orlando. I like to think he was torn about the decision. And I wasn't just begging him to come because of the whole- I all of the sudden hate flying alone- thing. I just wanted him with us. 

But as Adam was praying for me before I got out of the car at the airport, something he prayed resonated in my heart and leaving felt the least difficult so far [In case anyone wondered, last time I had to fly solo (back in August), it did not go well...]. 

And the hardest part about leaving on Sunday morning was saying bye to that undeniably cute Ryann Grace. Every time I leave my family, my heart aches a little more. I don't get to come home for Thanksgiving. I won't see them at Christmas, and it's just hard. 

I started my- maybe we should move back across the country- chat with Adam. Which we have just as often as we have the- should we buy a house here- chat. So...clearly we're conflicted! But today during staff devotions I was challenged to focus on what God is doing as opposed to what He isn't doing. Because what He isn't doing is making it clear that we should move overseas or move back to the Southeast. In fact, what He is doing is leading us to be more present in our current community. 

So, we continue to be intentional about loving our neighbor. I'm trying to stay all here, but part of me didn't come back from Disney. 

  
I have some great pictures, but I will upload those another day. 

One of my favorite Disney moments (there were LOTS) was Ryann's unstoppable giggle while we were on the teacups. She exclaimed at one point, "I've never done this before!" All while laughing uncontrollably. 

Also- she went on Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain. Come on! That's impressive!