I Struggle

I've been married for almost 11 months now. Which, yes, seems crazy! Wasn't our wedding like last month? Nope. 

It's been more than 10 months.

And I'd say one of the consistent struggles for me as a married woman has been in this tension of wanting to do everything I can to make life easier and better for Adam yet feeling like my weeks are so jam packed that it's all overwhelming. He hates laundry, so naturally, I'll do that. He really doesn't like to cook anything other than omelets, so duh! I enjoy cooking; I'll do that. Ironing? Sure! 

I can remember after going back to work, I had this conversation/confession time with Adam where I admitted that this wasn't easy. Teaching full time. Coaching. And all that those responsibilities entail. Plus trying to do all the housework I was doing in the summer. It felt impossible. And I just wanted him to know. I even said, "I don't need anything to change; I just want you to know that I'm definitely adjusting. This is hard." 

Because surely good wives can do it all, and they probably do it in cute clothes without a hair falling out of place. 

And I can do my best to serve with joy and gladness, but can I be honest? I get plain cranky sometimes. 

Important Interjection: Adam DOES do housework. He cleans the bathrooms like a champ. He refers to the vacuum as his own personal possession because he uses it more than I do, with great enjoyment I might add. 

But there are moments (days?) when I want to cry, "Can't you see that I'm working really hard to make your life at least 10x better than it's ever been before??" 

And you know how unfair that is to Adam? So unfair. 

Because am I not the one who has repeatedly told Adam that I can do this? I can make this all work. And I want to so badly. But some weeks just don't look as pretty as others. 

And I know it's not my cooking or cleaning or ironing that makes Adam's life better than it's ever been before. Just like my life isn't better because he pays the bills on time, takes care of appliance problems, and makes sure my oil is changed.  

But man, do I struggle sometimes- feeling like I'm doing everything I can, yet it's just never enough. Not because of anything Adam is saying, but simply because the expectations I've placed on myself are so beyond realistic. 

I'm sure there are women who can manage to work full time and do it all, even while making it look easy. I'm just not there yet. Probably won't be there ever, as my natural self is not what you would call tidy! 

So. There's my confession for the day.