Today, I baked some cookies for my cute husband because I want to make sure he knows he's loved. And well, a way to show that man that he's loved is to feed him. So, I picked a recipe, gathered the necessary ingredients, and baked some chunky peanut chocolate chip cookies. My first batch stayed in probably 2 minutes longer than I wanted, and the second batch seemed perfect. But you know what? I don't even think they taste that great.
Bummer.
As I started doing the dishes (which is totally the worst part of baking!!), I thought, "Man, that's not what how I wanted this to go."
I've been feeling similar sentiments about other things these days, too.
This baby is due in July. July 22. Our current lease ends mid August, and we have to move. Without my full time salary, we just can't afford to live where we do right now. And we can't afford to pay the thousands of dollars to get out of our lease a month early. So, if Henry is right on time, before we've even been a family of 3 for 4 weeks, we'll have to move into a new place. With a newborn. So, in all of my spare time this week, I've tried to envision what that's going to look like for us, and it doesn't look like fun. I'm either packing up our apartment 9 months pregnant and ready to pop or with a 2 week old baby. No use in setting up a baby's room because the baby won't actually be in that room.
But I tell myself that I can do this. I can manage a move and a newborn because I don't have an option. It's going to happen {my pep talks help me}.
Another area that's not ideal would be the fact that I don't really have very many friends out here. And the friends I do have are not even thinking about having kids anytime soon. I'm really hoping that I'll inevitably meet other moms in the same place as me, but right now, it seems like life could get a little lonely in the fall.
I remember when my wedding dress first came in. I had an appointment to go put the dress on to talk about alterations that needed to be made. And I was so sad that I hadn't managed to make a good enough friend to invite them to come with me for moral support. When I say so sad, I mean I was literally crying in the parking lot because I wanted someone there with me (this just got vulnerable). Not because I wanted someone to tell me I looked good or the dress was gorgeous, but I wanted someone to share in the excitement with me.
And that's what I feel like will be lacking. I mean, I know that my cheerleaders are so stinkin' excited for me. They regularly check-in with me about what the baby is doing, how I'm feeling, etc. They literally cannot wait for this baby to be born. While their excitement is a blessing, it's not exactly the community I envision myself needing. I'm gonna need people for the not exciting parts, too.
I have some days where I seriously doubt my ability to be a good mom. It's usually the days when my preschoolers drive me so bananas, that I'm literally smiling at the end of the day because I get to put them in their own cars to go home. To someone that's not me. Those moments when 9 kids are all "needing" me at the same time and calling my name. It scares me how little patience I have sometimes. Or when they complain about the smallest thing, and I want to throw their snack in the trash can just to prove a point. I can assure you that mom thoughts aren't running through my head. Someone that works in the school office told me they were 100% confident I would be a fantastic mom because I'm "such a good preschool teacher." If only she knew...if only she knew.
But I trust that God will certainly fill in all of the gaps of my shortcomings. All. of. the. gaps.
All of these things can cause a variety of emotions. And while I'm mostly super excited about having this baby, sometimes I get plain nervous. Nervous for the logistics of moving. Nervous for some much needed friends. Nervous that I might not be good at this mom gig even though it's been the desire of my heart since I can remember. Adam used to ask me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I always answered, "A mom."
I'm counting on Jesus being more than enough for me and Adam and Henry. I'm sure that God is not surprised I'm pregnant. He's not confused about the due date and our move out date. He knows my needs better than I do. And I'm being intentional (trying) to rest in His faithfulness.
As I've taken all of my mornings quite slow this week, Henry has been super active between 9-11. Such a stinker though. Whenever Adam puts his hand on my stomach or even me, Henry stops moving. Then we'll pull our hands away, and right back to flipping he goes. I can only imagine he's going to be as stubborn as his mom and dad. Lord, help us!
Also. I like this guy.
