Just Writing It Down

I decided that I needed to make it a priority this weekend to get one on one time with my boys. We've had some big changes with Sammy coming to live with us and Nolan off to school, so though it takes a lot of thought and effort and manipulating of time to make these little dates happen, they are always worth it.

Let it be known that when Nolan goes on a date with me, he requests that I wear a dress and "look pretty." I think that means put make-up and earrings on. Basically- do this for real, Mama! 

So, at 10:30 this morning, I put a dress and earrings on, a quick swoosh of mascara and got my biggest boy into the van to head out.

We went to North Point Mall to go on the carousal. Nolan always wants to do this with me as a date, but it's 30 minutes away. So, we're looking at an hour of just travel time. But this time, I obliged. As we walked hand in hand through the mall, his little thumb was stroking my hand back and forth, just like I do to him. It was heart melting. As soon as we got off the carousal, he looked up at me and asked for another special thing to do on our date.

We walked back through the mall, and drove to the Barnes & Noble for some Starbucks and bookstore time. He ate a donut. We read several books together. I loved every second of my time with him. He never once whined. He never asked to buy anything. He was basically the most perfect version of himself, you know, that's just how dates go, right?! 

We headed home, and he sits in the back row of the van. So, I could easily look in my rear view mirror to see him. He caught me looking at him one time and he said, "I really liked doing those special things with you. Thank you for taking me on the merry go round and for my donut and for reading all those books." 

Cue the tears.

I choked them back and told him how much I loved our special time together and that being his mom is my favorite thing. 

Nolan started school on Thursday and that combined with his total sweetness, I could've dissolved into a puddle. Gosh, that kid can make me crazy. He can be so stubborn and defiant and exhaustingly anxious. But, he's also got a sweet, tender heart that loves me despite all of my mommy shortcomings. 

Time seems like a luxury I rarely fully appreciate. It's tricky and cruel at times, too. Some days I feel like time is crawling, and then I also frequently get to Saturday wondering, "How is this week already over?"

Because of the rapid rate in which my children change, it seems like it's constantly thrust in my face that this is childhood of theirs is so fleeting. So, I wanted to take the time when I should be writing thank you notes or making a dish for the potluck tomorrow to write this all down. I want to remember this time with Nolan that was too short but a gift nonetheless. 

I wish I had an iPhone on days like today, so I could take actual pictures of his sweet, perfect face as he looked down at me from the white tiger on the carousal, making sure I was still watching, still touching his leg as he went up and down. I wish we could've snapped a selfie of us sharing the tiniest bench in the kids section at the bookstore, as we read book after book after book. Or the look on his face as he finished his whole big donut with glee. But, the mental pictures will have to do. If I could relive that date with him each Saturday, I absolutely would do that. 

Oh, my precious Nolan. That little boy made me Mama, and for that I'll always be thankful. 

Nolan's first, first day of school!

10 Days In

Note: It is my 30th birthday today, and I wanted to do a birthday post for me just like I do for the boys. But, I wanted to try to get a few things out of my head.

We are 10 days in. We've had our first foster placement for 10 days now. It took all of about 4 hours before my selfishness was coming out. 4 hours, people. For the sake of his confidentiality, I'm going to call him Sammy. It took me literally 8 minutes to pick a name because his actual name is so perfect for him, there's just nothing else that would stick. 

Sammy is a very small one year old who came to us from another foster home where he had been for 10 days. The same amount of time that he'd been away from his two older siblings (7 and 9 year olds). And guess what- he came with almost nothing, hardly any information, and of course, no clue what was going on. 

It took us no time at all to realize this was hard. And I'm not going to even let my pride get in the way here. It's been hard. And it's only been 10 days.

My emotions continue to surprise me. One second my heart is actually aching for this little boy who has been taken from his mom and siblings, and the next I'm so annoyed with his fiery stubbornness that refuses to sleep. I can watch with delight his interactions with my boys, and I can be overcome with sadness at how hard it can be to make this little baby laugh. 

While Adam and I had to process out loud together every.single.night the first week, you know who has been crushing it? 

Nolan.

I literally just had tears spring to my eyes. I sit in amazement pretty much every day at the ways he loves Sammy and cares for him. It's been unreal and the most humbling thing to watch. Sammy does not often reward just anyone with giggles or smiles, but Nolan does not relent. It doesn't affect his attempts to play with, talk to, or love on this tiny boy. I've literally asked God to give me a heart like Nolan. 

One of the most exhausting things about the last week and a half is not that Sammy is a terrible sleeper some nights. It's that I find myself second guessing myself at every turn. Should I let him cry? Does he need to be held more? Is it a bad idea to keep giving him a bottle? Am I being a good enough fill-in mom for him? Is he getting enough of what he needs? It's unending. There's so much I don't know about him. And I'm so new to fostering, that I just have to keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide me. 

But it's hard.

Sammy got evaluated by Children First today. They basically decide if kids under three need further services like occupational therapy, physical therapy, etc. She did her assessment of Sammy and told me what she thought about the situation. And then she teared up and looked at me and said, "I know this is hard! I know you don't know what's going on or what to do. But you're doing it! Keep going! Your love and care could literally change the course of his life." And I wanted to cry into her shoulder and tell her that I needed to hear that so badly. 

I've been so confused why some people around me are carrying on as usual, expecting all the same things of me as before. And I want to scream, "I'M CARRYING A BURDEN I'VE NEVER CARRIED BEFORE!" I need a minute to figure this out. It's not that I'm caring for three children now. I felt ready for that change. And I actually love having another child in this home. I want another one (eventually). But this is unlike anything else I've ever done. The mental and emotional toll it's taken has been a huge surprise. 

Sammy is sweet and tiny and oh so cute! He's got a big ol' grin and a funny little laugh. I'm confident things will get better, and I can only imagine each placement is different. This guy has interrupted a well oiled routine over here, and I'm not surprised that ruffled my feathers. God is certainly using Sammy to further refine us and draw us closer to Him.