Dear Sammy,

Typically, I write my boys a note on their birthday, but you won't be here for your birthday. And since you very much feel like one of my boys right now, I just wanted you to know that these last 8 months will stay with me forever.

You opened my eyes to new vulnerability and new brokenness. All sixteen pounds of you wrecked me in ways I wasn't ready for. I remember the first time I put you to bed, I had silent tears streaming down my face as I thought about freshly one year old you who didn't have his mama to celebrate his first birthday. You! A wonderful life worth celebrating!

In the weeks that followed that first night, you pushed me to surrender to Jesus in ways I hadn't before then. I prayed for you more in the middle of the night than I did for my kids, but I felt in my core that you needed it. In those middle of the night struggles, when I'd feel you collapse into my chest from exhaustion, only to return to the screaming protest the second I laid you down, I knew you needed the comfort and security of Jesus more than anything else. So we prayed you through those fears. I say that casually, but it was a battle. A battle worth fighting.

That could be said of pretty much the entire 8 months here. It's been a battle worth fighting! Fighting for your wellness, your development, and mostly your joy. Fighting to see that smile light up your face, which it so frequently does now. 

Sammy boy, your huge grin and gleeful laugh are a delight. Your expressions make me laugh every day. Your new words and new signs have me literally jumping up down and throwing you in the air as we celebrate your achievements. I've never been so happy to see a little one sign "more." The first time you did it, you were met with cheers as if you had just hit a homerun. 

You are loved, sweet boy. I wish I could assure your little heart that this transition happening is for YOUR good. It's in YOUR best interest. We are all doing this for YOU! You are loved. You are treasured. You are wanted. You belong in a family. For 8 months, it was with our family, but now it's time for you to be with your brother and sister. We are so excited for you, Sammy. But this Mama Bear is nervous for you. But just like those middle of the night battles, I'm not done fighting for you.

Sammy, I will continue to fight for you and plead for God's mercy and protection on your behalf. And I will keep cheering you on as you continue to achieve new things. 

I love you, little one. Our family will have a Sammy size hole from now on. You have changed us. And I'm so, so glad you did! 

Love,

Your Mama for the last 8 months