Looking Back at 2019

It's becoming a thing now, but I really didn't think I'd have margin to get this written out. I've been thinking about how I usually do a look back before the year ends, but I assumed it wouldn't happen. But here it goes.

In so many ways, 2019 was another brutal year. BUT.
But Elliana Joy came into our family, and that is such an overwhelming bright spot that it really does help cast a shadow on all that was hard. When I think back to my wrap up of 2018, I'm shocked that I'm already back here at another year's end. 

When I think back to what has stood out from this year, aside from Elliana, it's mostly the hard stuff. The hard stuff of 2018 seemed to be centered around loss. The hard stuff of 2019 has been a different kind of hard. But I want to try to remember some high points first. 

For some reason, the gender reveal with my friends stands out to me. They all put effort and time and money into a small gathering for them all to be able to find out together if we were having a boy or a girl. We just did it at Fellowship's playground, but I left feeling so unbelievably loved. They were  so excited to find out what baby Tomberlin was going to be. We have a picture of us spraying all of them with pink silly string, and it brings a smile to my face just looking at it. 

The boys' school has been a tremendous blessing to our family. Talk about an unexpected joy! There is so much I like about this school. I was initially trying to get them into that school because of how close it is to our house, but it has been so much more than I could have hoped for. Nolan's teacher is INCREDIBLE. I'm in awe of her, and I have often joked that I wish she could mentor me. Isaac's teacher adores him, and that is truly all I wanted for that boy. I'm so grateful we got that call just days before Elliana was born that Nolan had made it off the wait list and into the class. 

I can't not mention Elliana. I look at her every day and marvel. I'm so deeply grateful she's here. I think my boys as babies were just as enthralled with me as she is, but honestly, I don't remember. The look on her face when she seems me- I can't believe it. I can't believe I have a daughter who I get to delight in, and she equally delights in me. And watching Nolan and Isaac with her- forget about it. Done. Melted. Isaac seeks reassurance often that no one is taking her from us, and I often wonder if maybe having Sammy leave our home had more of an impact on him than I realized. We all adore Elliana, and I love being her Mama. 

This has been by far the hardest year of marriage for us. When peers would talk about being in a difficult season of marriage, I truly did not understand. My relationship with Adam had been so easy. Marriage was fun. Sure, we had little things here and there, who doesn't? But this year, this year has been hard. In September, I went to see a counselor for some help. She asked me why I was there, and I started back with the first miscarriage and talked through why I was there. When I was done, she said, "Wow! Marissa, that sounds so painful! I'm so sorry." And I broke down. I went into counseling thinking she was going to tell me everything I could be doing better, but her first response was compassion. That moment, her response, was deeply impactful for me. 

I have a lot of hope that my 2020 recap is going to be different. Meaning, I'm hopeful for what God is going to continue to do in us next year. In a lot of ways I'm coming out of survival mode and the postpartum haze. Life since Elliana was born has especially been exhausting. Not because I had a newborn, obviously that did play a part, but I had never been so needed by all members of this Tomberlin family. I can remember someone texted asking me a question that could have been answered with their own efforts, and I nearly cried. I was breaking. I couldn't help anyone else because Adam needed me so much as he was living through anxiety, and clearly my children needed me. I mean, my daughter needs me to you know, EAT! One morning the song Yes I Will by Vertical Worship came on, and I cried and realized regardless of what is going on, I can offer praise. Worship could be my most powerful weapon. Sadly, I don't always remember this in the low moments. 

2019 brought me a healthy baby girl, and for that it's one of the best years of my life. But otherwise, it's been another year that has me wanting to say, BYE!!! Next December, Adam and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage. We had planned to go back to where we honeymooned for our 10 year anniversary, but we've decided that we will try to pull it off for our 9 year anniversary because dang it, we believe we will be celebrating all that God has done! And if we can celebrate, I want to!

2020, let's do this!! 

Elliana- 4 months

Gosh, I'm really late on this one. But I'm determined to not completely drop the ball on this.

Elliana Joy is 4 months (almost 2 weeks ago). At her 4 month check-up she was about 13.5 pounds, and I don't even remember how long. But she's right at the 50th percentile for height, and she's down in the 25-30th percentile for weight. She is a little one. But we love her littleness!

Her biggest accomplishment (but really mine!) was dropping the swaddle. She is in that little contraption, but it is safe for her to roll in. She much prefers her back right now, but I do think she'll enjoy her tummy eventually. The few times she has turned to her tummy, she got super angry. She's napping 4 times a day still, and she's sleeping through the night. But she does sometimes require paci intervention. Which to be honest, makes me feel like she's not quite sleeping through the night if I still have to get up. 

This girl is a trooper. She's in the carseat a lot for school drop offs and pick ups. Thankfully school is very close, but I do hate waking her from her naps to go get the boys. But as a friend wisely told me, God knew exactly what it would be like to have a baby in this season of life, and He gave us Elliana. She's doing great being flexible! 

Elliana is a proficient roller, and she often lasts on her back all of 2 seconds before flipping herself over to her tummy. She's a strong little baby and holds her head up so good. She's showing no signs of trying to army crawl, and I'm so glad. A Christmas tree with just a roller is no problem. A Christmas tree with a crawler is tough! 

I forgot what it was like to have a baby who thinks the world of you. Basically because I am pretty much her world. It's a pretty priceless feeling to go get her from her naps and in the morning and have her gasp with excitement to see me. We still do a dream feed at 10:30 at night that she generally sleeps straight through. Adam typically does this feeding, but sometimes I do it. A few times when I've gone in to scoop her up from her crib, she kicks her feet and borderline squeals as I'm getting her. At 10:30 at night. I can't help but giggle.

Our little peanut continues to bring such joy to our family. Even the crankiest of moods can be cracked by this girl. Each of us take such delight in her smiles, her talking, and simply her nearness. We are blessed to love this baby girl and watch her grow. I continue to feel no remorse as she gets bigger and bigger. What a gift that we have a healthy baby to watch grow!!! I am so thankful for her life! This time last year I was pleading to God to preserve her life inside of me, and this year I get to kiss her cheeks a hundred times a day and changer her stinky diapers and lock eyes with her from across the room. Elliana Joy, she is sunshine on my soul!!