Motherhood, that is.
Yesterday was a perfect fall day here in the Northwest. Almost perfection. I kept thinking that Adam being off and Chick-Fil-A for lunch would've really made it perfect. I had to run some errands, so I was out and about in blue, blue skies, a light breeze, and leaves changing colors all around me. I love fall. It's my favorite season.
Most of the day it felt like my heart was too full, that it was surely going to burst. I love being Nolan's mom, and I was loving the mundane things of life.
But that's not always the case. I've been at this baby-on-the-outside mom thing for 11 weeks. And there have been some hard things. Like...
The whole sleep thing. I'm so, so grateful that Nolan is sleeping through the night. But I can remember when he was 5 weeks old, and I was feeding him in the middle of the night, thinking, "Will there ever be a day when I sleep more than 4 hours at a time?" YES. It came. But even now, with the baby monitor on, my sleep can be disrupted in a nano second. And apparently, Saturdays mean nothing to babies.
And what clothes should I be wearing right now?? It's funny. When I was on my honeymoon, in December, at the beach, I remember feeling a little disappointed that I hadn't been able to work out as much as I wanted to, so that I'd feel a little more confident in my bathing suit. Now I look at those pictures and ENVY that body. Maternity clothes are way too big. My normal clothes don't quite fit to my liking. So, that leaves me wearing t-shirts and athletic shorts or yoga pants or athletic pants all. the. time. And you know what, I don't like it. I don't like not being fit. I don't like that it's taking some time, effort, and work to lose weight. I don't like that I'm watching what I eat because I just came off of 9 months of having a reason to be fat!
Strangers share their opinion about how I should be mothering my child. Wow. It started when I was pregnant. Everyone had a story, a suggestion, or something to tell me about being pregnant, giving birth, or being a mom. And I'm talking random people in the grocery store. NOW it's just about formula or breastfeeding or crying it out or rocking my baby to sleep. I was feeding Nolan in the bathroom at the school where I coach, and a woman stopped and said, "I'm so proud of you for nursing. Babies need breast milk. Formula is just not good for them. Good for you!" I smiled. Not even 4 minutes later, a different woman walked in and said, "Oh make sure you feed him formula sometimes. You want him to be able to take a bottle, so you can leave him overnight." I smiled at her, too.
And can we all just acknowledge that breastfeeding is hard? I know, I know. It's magical and bonding and whatever. I know some moms love it, and they think it's the easiest, most natural thing in the world. Well, it wasn't for me. Again, when Nolan was 5 weeks, I would long for the days when breastfeeding would be over. Does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so. But plenty of people pass judgement. I think if Adam has to listen to me talk about my milk supply one more time (which he absolutely will), he'll burst. I've definitely relaxed a lot about this, but it's only been in the past 3 weeks after a serious meltdown on the phone with my mom.
Sometimes, it's hard being home all day cleaning, doing laundry, preparing dinner, cleaning up from dinner, etc, and knowing that I'm going to have to do it all again tomorrow. It's unending. Literally. There won't come a day when the laundry does itself, or we have a personal chef. And this is where I have to pause. Christy Nockels once explained it that we have to invite the glory of God into the mundane things of life. There is no better part of my day than cuddling my baby. Oh my word. I could do it all day, everyday. But I have to do the other stuff, too. And in the midst of it all, I invite God to refine this heart of mine. Because my attitude stinks sometimes. I want Adam to be grateful for everything I do, when really, this is the greatest privilege I've known.
We were talking about if/when we'd want another baby because we're oh so smitten by Nolan, and it hit me. The sometimes stinky attitude I have won't get better when adding another child to the mix. If I can't figure out how to serve this family with a joyful heart as unto the Lord, we're going to have issues. And by we, I mean my bad attitude could make life really hard for myself and Adam. I don't deserve praise and recognition. I certainly don't high five Adam every time he gets home from work. Although, he does get a kiss! ;)
I absolutely love being a mom. At one point yesterday, I texted Adam and said, "Even though we're far away from family, I love my life right now." And I do. I love being Adam's wife. I love being Nolan's mom. I love coaching those 14 girls. I love my life. I'm just also noticing a lot of places in my heart where sin has creeped in and settled in. Like my pride and selfishness. And since I don't have a strong community here, I don't have people pointing it out in my life. Instead it just keeps surfacing.
I know how much I love Nolan, and I can't believe God loves me with a more consuming, more fierce, and more full love even when I have a heart that needs cleansing. I'm thankful that God is patient and kind as He exposes these weaknesses in my life and purifies me. Work in progress, for sure.
Life in the 'hood is rich and full, and I love that God has given us Nolan. I'm thankful for Adam who is walking this journey with me. I'm thankful for even the hard days and hard stuff as I'm confident God continues to mold me into the woman He wants me to be.
Yes, it's true, our baby is the cutest baby in the world. Also, his laid back and chill demeanor is pretty awesome, too!
