If only I had known...

Dear Me One Year Ago,

You've had that baby of yours for about a month now. I know. He's the cutest baby you've ever seen. Even the pouty lip is adorable. Here are some things you should know, Mama.

The schedule you're working so incredibly hard to implement and maintain, it's worth it!! The pay off is huge. People are going to call you rigid and crazy, but you're going to have a baby that sleeps and enjoys a predictable schedule. You and Adam will also sleep, so hang in there. The schedule works out big time for you and the little man. 

The unsolicited advice strangers, relatives, and friends are going to offer? Repeat after me: Smile and nod. Yes, it's gets annoying. Yes, people are offering advice all. the. time. But the intentions are good. However, you know your baby better than anyone else, so always keep that in mind. Sometimes you'll hear good advice, too. Don't chuck it all out the window. But don't let it get to you. They aren't offering advice because you're doing something wrong; they're offering advice because they care. 

That sweet husband of yours has NO IDEA what you're going through right now. Nolan's life isn't dependent on Adam. He's not recovering from a traumatic birth. He is absolutely clueless to the millions of emotions and thoughts you experience in an hour. Give him grace on grace on grace. He's not leaving dishes undone because he wants you to do them. He's not on his iPad because it's more attractive than you are. He doesn't notice the kitchen you cleaned because he's completely smitten with the cutest baby you both have ever seen. He's not ignoring the fact that this is hard; he just literally has no way to fix it, so he feels helpless. Oh, and don't micromanage him. So what if he does things a little differently than you do. Don't sweat the small stuff, sista! 

You are going to have a love-hate relationship with the swaddle. I wish I could really prepare you for this, but I can't. 

There's going to come a stretch of a few weeks where you let Nolan get in bed with you from 6:30-7ish so you both can sleep a little longer. You're going to worry if you're creating a bad habit. DON'T worry. Enjoy it. Cuddle your boy. Savor the feeling. You won't believe how soon the dude will refuse to sleep on you [and you will be very sad about this]. You're going to switch to formula and feel totally insecure about your decision. DON'T feel shamed. Nolan's healthy. He's happy. He drinks formula? So what. You're both going to be okay. 

You're going to be able to rock your dream wardrobe- athletic clothes- all day, everyday. But guess what. You're going to enjoy the days you take the time to get dressed in actual clothes. They will be few and far between. But those days are necessary. Sometimes you're going to need a reminder that you didn't always wear pants with an elastic waist. 

Now, listen. You need to get in a Moms group. This mom gig, it really goes better within community. Being isolated and not connected with other moms is going to be really, really hard. So, that schedule I encouraged you about? It's good. But it's also flexible. If you have to compromise your schedule one day a week to get in a group, DO IT!! You need the relationships with other women. You need other women to Amen your hardships and celebrate your victories. 

You're going to have moments when you are completely overwhelmed by how much you love your little boy. And in those moments, remember God's entrusted him into your care. He's an amazing gift, but he's not yours. Be grateful. Be prayerful. But be surrendered, too. Everyone will be telling you how fast it all goes, so treasure these times. You will have hard days. You won't want to treasure those. That's okay. You'll get to start a new day. 

Take more videos of your baby. Rock him a little longer once he's fallen asleep in your arms. Ask Adam to take pictures of you and Nolan; it's not going to occur to him to do that (again, it's not personal, so don't take it that way). Enjoy this year, Mama. You're going to love being a mom! You're going to be thrilled and humbled and lonely (at times) and elated and filled to the brim with joy. There will be some hard parts of the journey, but Marissa, you were made for this! 

Keepin' It Real, 
Me 

There seems to be an overwhelming amount of bad things in the news lately. With the speed and volume of which news is reported, it's easy to become desensitized to the content. Not to mention, there are biases and agendas in almost every article, one can be distracted by those things instead of the issues at hand. 

The ISIS crisis, the ebola outbreak, the mayhem in Ferguson-- these are all lives we're talking about. Not just numbers and statistics. The situation in Iraq and Syria makes me so incredibly sad and sick. When I think about those moms and dads over there feeling helpless in protecting their children, I want to weep for them. I don't know the desperation, the violence, the hatred they are facing. I cannot fathom trying to survive. I cannot possibly guess what words and emotions fill their cries to God. I can often plead nothing more than, "Lord, please have mercy." 

At church on Sunday we sang the song Forever by Kari Jobe. It's a good song. It talks about Christ defeating death forever. Forever. And that forever He is lifted high. And I think about all of the heartbreaking situations all over the world. I think about mamas holding their lifeless children. I think about villages wiped out by disease. I think about empty bellies that haven't been filled in days. I think about the oppressed, the forgotten, the enslaved, the dying, the captured. And I wonder how hard it would be for them to sing those words. 

The Lamb has overcome, like the song says, but we are certainly waging war against darkness. And it seems to be getting darker. And heavier. 

But Jesus lives. The cross happened. There will be an end to all of this. 

I desperately want to see the Light start suffocating the darkness. I know Who is victorious. I know how this story ends. Oh that Jesus's name would be lifted on high! That the hope of glory would rise like the sun. That hearts would turn to Jesus. 

My heart is heavy. It leaves me wanting heaven to invade Earth. 
Jesus, come.