Though it's been quiet on the blog for the last 6+ weeks, it rarely is in real life. And I mean that literally and metaphorically.
For the last 7 weeks I've been receiving Biblical counseling from a local church (that's not my own) ministry. It's been not what I expected at all. There is a lot of homework to do each week. There's a lot of reading. And it's.been.amazing.
I'm still in the midst of working through some stuff, but I can already see how God in His kindness and mercy has been doing a good work in my heart.
Nolan and I had some hard days this summer. Days that may have actually felt like weeks. I couldn't figure out what was going on with us. I didn't know who this little boy was that screamed at me in such defiance. I couldn't understand his repeated disobedience. It seemed like I was failing on every front. I was so discouraged. There was a day that Nolan and I went to battle so many times, that when Adam got home from work, he just packed the kids up and left so I could be in the house by myself (that's a good man!!).
Here I was, so sure that God was stirring up dreams and visions for me that He had placed in my heart years ago about bringing the unlovable children into my home and family, and I couldn't even figure out how to mother Nolan. Why in the world would God entrust other people's kids into my care if I couldn't handle the ones I had??
I wrote a blog post back in July that I really and truly wept through as I wrote it (I took it down after 24 hours) because I felt like I was missing out on some of "the best times" of my kid's life because we were having these tough, stubborn battles of the will.
As I started counseling at the end of July, a much needed shift happened for me. I was assigned books and sermons and Bible passages that forced me to look up at my holy, perfect, lacking absolutely nothing God. In the midst of studying His character and attributes, I began to realize just how small, wretched, and desperate Marissa is. I took good, long looks at my sin, and I crumbled to my knees in both gratitude and repentance. The fact that I have been given the righteousness of Christ is beyond humbling.
Somewhere along the way of this life, I started to humanize God and shorten the chasm between me and Him. How pompous of me! It is only because of the work of the Holy Spirit that this wrong and sinful way of thinking is being corrected.
But as God is being returned to His rightful place in my mind and heart, things at home are changing, too. When parenting becomes about me, it will surely end in failure. But as I fix my eyes on Jesus and set my sights on the glory of God, parenting becomes about Him. Making dinner, changing diapers, doing all the laundry, training Nolan to obey, teaching Scripture, going on walks, praying for owies- all for the glory of God. And you know what, that may sound extreme and all too spiritual. I can assure you that I don't wipe booties thinking about who God is, but it's that I've set my heart and my life to be about God's kingdom, God's glory and not my own.
I'm writing this all down not because I think I'm great, but quite the opposite. I think the enemy wants to keep me in a place where I'm sitting on the throne of my own life because it leads to destruction. And I want to be able to come back and remember. Remember that I am a sinful person in need of a Savior and by God's grace alone, I've been rescued.
At church on Sunday we sang the song Ever Be, and I could've easily dissolved into a puddle. As I've been forced to acknowledge my depravity and be so saddened by the condition of my heart, I can't help but want to praise God for His work in me. May His praise always and ever be on my lips!
I'm absolutely and always will be a work in progress, but I'm thankful that there is work in progress in me. All glory to God!
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