Update: We ARE Making It

I have thought about taking down my last post about 70 times. The two people who read this both reached out to me about all of it. So, I realized if the 2 people who read this have already read it, it can stay up. When I go back and read it, I feel really insecure about being so negative and... whiney, really. BUT, as I said at the bottom, that was truly how I felt on that day. Getting all of that out did lead to a breakdown, but the breakdown was good and necessary. I felt like I was failing at everything. Mainly- running the home, being a good mom and foster parent, and my work at the church. It's like when you use a pressure cooker. The pressure builds and then stays at high pressure so everything can cook, and then you release the pressure and everything inside stops cooking. 

A week and a half ago, the Tuesday after I wrote that post, we shared with our community group that we really felt like Sammy had turned a corner. The reality was, we turned the corner. Yes, he was sleeping better and had clearly settled in to the routine of the Tomberlins, but we also just accepted that a lot of what was hard about taking in Sammy was us needing to die to our self. The reality is that we know with about 99% certainty that Sammy will not become a Tomberlin. His mom is working her case plan. AND his dad's side of the family is trying to get custody of him right now. His days with us are numbered. And that's not hard for us like people always assume it is with fostering. We are still in the stage of wanting to grow our family, and since we know Sammy will not be a permanent member, it just feels hard. Because it's not what WE wanted. But I'm so, so confident that God knew what He was doing when this tiny guy got placed in our home. But we hoped for a newborn baby that came to be with us and never left. 

Sweet Sammy clearly has some developmental delays. He's already shown so much progress since being with us for almost 2 months. Again, all credit to the boys. He's learning so much by watching them play and be crazy. But there are clearly some emotional and social delays as well. And those are far more impacting than the fact that he doesn't walk yet. It is so rare that we hear him laugh without working very, very hard for it. Nolan was playing with him on the floor yesterday, crawling and hiding. And Sammy genuinely laughed! Nolan looked up at me with sheer delight at the fact that he made Sammy laugh. I can get laughs out of him by tickling and flipping him around like a pancake (Nolan loves when I do that to Sammy). But this was different, and it was seriously so precious! Both sides- Nolan and Sammy! And at the exact same time, it's sad. It's sad that these moments stand out because they are so few and far between. 

I've basically decided to give up. In a good way. I'm going to mentally give up nap time (Sammy has been sleeping in about 40 minute increments all week. No clue why!). I'm going to give up our plan for growing our family and trust that God is not blindsided by what's happening. I'm going to give up figuring Sammy out and just love him faithfully each day. I'm going to give up my agenda, keep saying YES to Jesus, and pray that I can model to all three of these boys that I, too, am desperately in need of grace just like they are. 

Sammy has started doing the sign for "all done." And it is quite possibly the cutest thing!!! It's awkward and deliberate, and it's perfect. I love watching him play alone and his wonder of the big boys as they wrestle their dad. Sammy definitely finds the most comfort in being near me. He likes to position himself right at my feet in the kitchen. It's a little nerve-wracking when I'm cooking. I tend to move him, and he tends to hate that I do. I've walked in circles around the island as he crawls after me, so I can just finish making all of the sandwiches for lunch. It's a reminder that if he can't have his mom's care, he wants a mom's care. 

We ARE making it, people! We aren't doing it perfectly or beautifully or anything like that. We are just doing the next thing each day to care for Sammy and ask God to make us more like Him in the process.