For several weeks after my last post (which- how in the world was that over a month ago?), though things had majorly improved over here, I cannot explain the fatigue that was growing and growing. I'd find myself just collapsing at the end of the day. And some days I was so on edge emotionally, I would be fighting back tears about the silliest of things.
One Sunday, an adoptive Mama to 3 kids stopped me and asked how I was doing with our little guy. I looked at her and just said, "I'm so tired, and I don't know why." She looked right at me, and said, "Marissa, the love you are giving that little boy every single moment is a choice. It's different than your own kids. It's more sacrificial and requires more of you. It's tiring!" I stared at her in wonder.
Yes. YES! This did require more. It required more death to my flesh.
Just a few days later I was meeting with some ladies to pray together. As I drove home, I realized that this fatigue-- this fatigue was a spiritual fatigue. I have been wrestling my own flesh. This war of what Marissa wants as opposed to what I know God has called me to, it was wearing me down. And as I drove home, I felt relieved and thankful to be able to name this thing. And quite honestly, to wrestle with intentionality.
Prior to this lightbulb moment, I'd been really convicted to pay attention to what I was consuming in the down moments of my day. Did I turn a show on when I had an extra 30 minutes? Did I scroll social media just for the heck of it? What was I filling my well with? I started reading a lot more, and I read some really good books. And through these books, God started to do a work in my heart, turning me more and more towards Scripture.
As I realized the reason for much of my fatigue (I say much because let's be honest, I have 3 boys in this house 4 and under and that's just tiring), I started to pray into it. I started asking the Holy Spirit to illuminate these moments in my day when my flesh wanted one thing, and God demanded more. When Sammy is in a very grouchy mood for no reason- love is patient and not irritable (1 Corinthians 13). Boom. God, help me be patient in his grumpiness. The boys are arguing over ALL THE THINGS- a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). Boom. God, help me be gentle and kind towards my children. Adam's gone AGAIN- He gives the Spirit without measure (John 3:34). Boom. God, sustain me with your Spirit that You give without measure.
I have Scripture to arm myself as I wrestle with my own flesh. Because this heart of mine? It's fickle. It's discouragingly so, so fickle. When my attitude towards Sammy rises and falls on his level of easiness, that's fickle, people! Jeremiah 17:9 says the heart is deceitful. I can't trust my feelings. I can trust Truth.
We've had our Sammy boy for 3 months now. We often laugh because it feels like so much longer. I sometimes want to protect my own pride when I tell people about the very real struggle that was the beginning of this placement. But I would rather choose to be grateful for God's kindness towards me as He draws me to Him. Adam and I both said we needed Sammy because God needed to just break us down. This fostering thing IS so hard. But I really am so thankful that God is using this time to create in me a longing to be hidden in Him.
While all of this is good, there are still days of just plain old exhaustion. And I fail at so much, so often. But God. That's it. But God. And this Mama says, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
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