A Weary Christmas

We took down all of our Christmas decorations today with the exception of our outside lights (because it was literally 19 degrees). I've never had a Christmas when I was so eager to take it all down. I was ready to clean house 2 days after Christmas, but I held off until the new year. 

Four days before Christmas I started miscarrying our sweet baby that we knew only for such a short time. I had no idea what the process would be like, but it was so much more than I anticipated. 

Back in August, Adam and I seriously started discussing the possibility of adding another child to our family biologically. We discussed it off and on for the next few months. We knew we wanted another baby, but we couldn't quite nail down the best timing. Things with fostering are so unpredictable; it's hard to plan around something that's so big and so fluid. 

The first week of December I found out I was pregnant, and I was shocked and so thankful God decided the timing of our next baby for us. I was going to try to make it until our anniversary to tell Adam, and now, I'm so, so grateful I didn't. The day after I took the test, Adam oddly started talking to my stomach like there was a baby in there. And I couldn't keep it in. 

Per usual, Adam's excitement was more than I could have hoped for. I really didn't know what he'd think, but he was thrilled. 

From the beginning I was unusually nervous about the pregnancy. I figured it had just been over 3 years since I was in the beginning stages of pregnancy, and I probably just forgot what it was like. But something in my gut or my heart just didn't feel right. As a way to combat the anxiety I started reading Knowing God to fix my eyes on the character of God. I circled the last Monday of January on my calendar because that would mark 12 weeks, and I could feel significantly more at ease about it all.

But we'd never make it that far. When I went to bed on Wednesday the 20th, I knew something was wrong. I had spent the evening trying not to move at all. I went to bed with some discomfort in my abdomen and knew- this wasn't right. Sure enough, I woke up at 5:45 in the morning losing the baby. I was only 6.5 weeks along, so it was quite early but the loss felt heavy.

It was a hard, hard day on Thursday. And the days that followed were hard, too. I was hopeful that Christmas would still be a joyous day, but it was just hard. We had planned to tell our families good news that day, and instead we carried grief in our hearts and probably on our faces. We ate lunch at home before heading to my parent's house, and Adam and I literally cried into each other's arms at our table feeling such sorrow for this sweet babe we'd never meet. I just kept stopping in my tracks all morning asking him, "Why is it so hard today?" But it was. I wanted to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but I felt so heavy hearted for the baby I wouldn't birth. There was no family picture taken. No Facebook post about what a Merry Christmas. We just made it through the day.

Just as quickly as hope rushed in for this new life that would join our family and be in our arms next Christmas, it felt like it got snatched right out from beneath us. 

I thought of my friends who have experienced miscarriage with no children in their homes! My boys were of great comfort to me. I can't imagine what it would be like to have no one to hold and cuddle in the middle of the pain. 

The day after Christmas was just as hard or harder as we had Tomberlin Christmas that day. By the time 4:00 rolled around, I was maxed out. I couldn't keep going. I was ready for Christmas to be over. It all felt so harsh.

I'm relieved to turn the page of the calendar. I am quite certain 2018 will not include a new baby for the Tomberlins, and I trust that at some point, that disappointment will wear off. It's an unsettling feeling to wonder if we'll ever have a healthy pregnancy again. I know that I have no reason to assume another miscarriage will happen. But now I have no reason to assume a healthy pregnancy will happen. Miscarriage steals that from you. There is no more certainty. The reality is, there never really was. But once you lose a baby, you're well aware of how fragile that little life is. 

My friend texted me yesterday letting me know she's praying for me. And she said, "Know this: God wastes NOTHING! He has good purposes in that little life." I was about to teach our 3s class at church, and I quietly just prayed, "Oh, let it be so!" I can only hope and plead to God that this brings me closer to Him and deepens my knowledge and love for Him. I would hate to waste this. So, I bow low in the aftermath of the loss asking that it all be for His glory. 

I literally danced around the living room today as our furniture got moved to it's normal spots, and Christmas came down. Nolan was confused by my excitement but quickly joined in the dancing. I'm hoping it's a good foreshadowing of 2018!