Fostering Families

Over the course of the last six months, I've had a lot of thoughts about Sammy's mom, and there's one that has been the loudest and most frequent. And I'll get to that in a minute.

We had court last month, and prior to that, my frustration with his mom was pretty high. It seemed like visits with her children were not a priority. She'd either end them early or skip them all together, sometimes cancelling them just an hour before it was supposed to start. There have been other issues with her that strongly affect Sammy's older siblings. Knowing those ongoing issues were adding to my frustration.

Then I met Mom. 

The morning of court, we had to wait in a waiting room for an hour and a half before our case was called. So, I got to watch this mama interact with Sammy (don't even ask how I felt about bringing an 18 month old to court) for quite a bit. And it was gut wrenching. Sammy didn't really want to be around her. He'd toddle over to her for a few minutes at a time and then race back towards me. I gave his mom a bag of goldfish, hoping to keep Sammy by her side, but it only worked for a little bit. I did this with the little toys I brought, too. 

I felt so sad for this mom.

I brought a couple of books because Sammy genuinely loves books and being read to. I gave them to her to read to him. This whole experience was so emotionally draining for me as I felt such sorrow for this mama. 

When I came home and tried to talk to Adam about it, I choked back tears and forced the sobs down, all the while declaring, "That's her baby!!! She had to watch her baby pick a different mom over and over!" This isn't right!" 

And I said for probably the 79th time over the last 6 months, "She needs a foster family!!"

This is what I keep coming back to. Not anger. Not frustration (though that rears it's ugly head). Not judgement. 

Compassion.

These kids are in care because this mom had literally no other person she could ask to take her kids. She has no relatives here. NO FAMILY ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND. She has no one who loves her kids that she could reach out to  and ask for help. 

I can't even begin to know what that feels like because I have a full list of people who would take my children in a heartbeat before DFCS would ever need to find an open home for them. 

So, what I keep asking over and over is this: why are we not fostering the whole family?

Who is cheering mom on? Who is making sure she gets healthy? Who is modeling to HER what a healthy family looks and functions like? What if she's never known anything but brokenness? 

What would it look like to put this whole family in foster care? What could it look like for this whole family to get help together? Or maybe not even together but if mom had a shot at some intentional and loving care for her own well being in efforts to restore this family. What if mom really knew that as Sammy's foster mom, I'm rooting for her success, for her health, and for her future. 

[There are certainly situations where parents are 100% unfit and unsafe to parent and cannot be near their children because the situation is that dire. I'm not talking about that situation.]

I keep dreaming up what this could look like. And I don't have a solution, by any means. But I can't help but wonder if there's a better way for some families to be restored. I struggle with feeling like we are setting Sammy's mom up for failure. Because even if she does work her case plan and the judge decides she is a stable person, ready to parent, then we throw these 3 kids back into her care and say, "Good luck,"? Is it realistic for these parents to be able to thrive after reunification when they did figure out how to get their own life stable but they do not have the emotional, mental, physical, and financial demands of their children to also meet? This seems ridiculous. 

There has to be a better way. For everyone.

Because Sammy's attachment to me gets stronger by the day, while his attachment to his mom becomes less and less. If this family really does reach reunification, have we done even Sammy a disservice? As he'll lose the mom he knows best for his actual mom he just barely knows? I'm not a psychologist and have not done any research. I just have to wonder, is this the best we can do? 

After Sammy's visit with his mom this past Sunday, he came home with some new toys and shoes from his mom. And you know what else she got him? She got him a book just like the one I gave her to read him that morning we waited for court. It was by the same author and looked very similar. 

Tears just came to my eyes again. 

I have to believe she wants to do this thing right. And I can't help but wonder how much closer she'd be to getting this thing right if she had someone loving her and coaching her through it.