Say Yes

I'm finding that my memory is getting worse and worse. There are a lot of things Adam and I often say from Nolan's toddlerhood. Isaac recently asked us to tell him some of the cute things he used to say. 

I had nothing.

And the thing is, Isaac was supremely cute as he began talking. I mean, he was basically 1 year old perfection. But we had to reeeeeeeeally think about some cute Isaac-isms. I ultimately decided I need to write more things down. So, I'm working on it.

Anyways.

This 2018 year has started off heavy. Between the miscarriage and the emotional weight of Sammy's always evolving situation and some other life happenings, I've felt maxed out. Nolan and Isaac have hit new strides in their disobedience and their energy. The two combined can be exhausting. Suffice it to say, I was having a hard time enjoying them in the mix of the heavy stuff and their new found love for pushing (bulldozing, pummeling, ignoring, etc) all the boundaries. There's truly nothing that sends me down the spiral of mom guilt like failing to enjoy my kids in these "precious little years." 

I got to take 4 hours away from the crew one Saturday morning recently, and it did wonders for my overall well being. The next day felt loads lighter, even though the children behaved no better. 

Since then I've looked for ways to cherish small moments even if the large, large majority of my day is correcting, training, disciplining, and threatening to throw ALL THE TOYS AWAY. You get it. This is as simple as giving Nolan a good bear hug before he climbs into the van to go to school. Or smooching Isaac's still so very soft cheeks after he goes pee standing up (when did he get so big?). It's finding even one thing to compliment them on, even if the whole ding dang morning has been a cat fight. It can be so hard to "soak in these little years." 

I listened to a podcast while prepping dinner one afternoon during nap. Lisa Harper was the guest, and she mentioned that she got to ask Beth Moore her one golden piece of parenting advice. She was expecting a mind blowing truth to come from THE Beth Moore. And Beth said, "Say 'Yes' as much as you can!" And that really stuck with me.

So, tonight, while my better half and absolutely the fun parent has been out of town, I heard Nolan obnoxiously calling out for me after I put them to bed. I say obnoxiously because it was clearly his fake cry. I opened the door asking why he was crying, and he mostly calmly said, "I just wanted you to snuggle me for a little bit longer."

Say yes as much as you can.

I quietly closed the door and climbed into his bed. I confess I was still annoyed with the way in which Nolan cried out for me, but I savored the few extra minutes to lay by my growing first born. And I don't normally want to give up my time after that final goodnight. But I thankfully heard the quiet reminder in my head, "This won't last forever." There will be a last time that he calls out for me to snuggle him at all. 

As I laid my head on his pillow with him, Isaac called out asking if I was snuggling Nolan. I told him that I was, and he asked, "Why?" And I answered honestly. "I'm not really sure. But I am!" So of course he asked, "Will you snuggle me, too?" 

Yes, Isaac.

Nolan's breathing slowed to a steady pace. I got up to move on to the next one.

Isaac was basically giddy as I picked him up to sit in the chair and hold him. He laid his head on my shoulder, put that thumb in his mouth, and he snuggled close. He eventually turned his head toward me, putting that sweet face of his in my neck. We both exhaled deeply. There was no rushing these moments. 

I sat in that chair with Isaac against my chest and his face in my neck. And I prayed over his little heart. And I wondered how many more nights of snuggles I'd have with him like this. He'll get too big before I know it.

I put him back in his crib, and I kissed Nolan once more. And I walked out. Thankful. Thankful that Nolan obnoxiously whined for me because I've been looking for opportunities in my days to say yes more. I've been looking for the delight in the middle of the discouraging days. 

And I chose to write it down because this ordinary happening will likely slip from my memory, but I'll get to look back and remember it now. 

Being Mommy is hard and sometimes so consuming that I feel like I get lost in it all. But it's also an honor and a blessing to have these little ones call me Mommy. 342,098 times a day.