Crazy Little Thing Called Grief

Our family got to go to Disney at the beginning of the month with Adam's parents and one of his sisters. It was a truly delightful time, and the boys had so much fun. They talk about Disney one way or another every single day. This was our second trip to Disney with the Tomberlins. Each time we've gone my mother-in-law takes us into a cute little Christmas shop at the Magic Kingdom to pick out an ornament or two (or three this time around). It's very sweet, and I can imagine the boys will be even more excited to put on our Disney ornaments this year. [As in, I'm sure they'll fight about it] 

As I perused the shop, I found the ornament I wanted that would always remind me of this year's trip. At my mother-in-law's prodding, I looked for another ornament. And I spotted this one.

And I cannot explain why, but I got choked up, feeling the loss of the baby I won't hold this summer. There was something about seeing these three little bears that made me aware that I'm always going to be one bear short. Adam's mom and sister asked me why I wanted this ornament, and I said that I felt like it was a picture of my life for a while, referring to Sammy, not the baby I was thinking of. Because those three little boys really were like these three bear cubs from the movie Brave. But in my heart, I was pondering a different little one. 

This incident happened the Thursday before Mother's Day, so I probably should've anticipated a little heaviness with Mother's Day. But I didn't. Not that there's anything I could've done about it, but despite repeatedly coaching myself to be so thankful for the healthy children I have, my mind kept wondering to the one I don't have growing and rolling around in my belly right now. I typically feel almost embarrassed that I still get upset about this miscarriage, especially in light of so much sadness and heaviness around me. Thankfully, going through this has made me so much more sensitive and aware of others who have experienced loss or long to be Mamas. And I reached out to a couple of them to let them know I was praying for them and knew Mother's Day was probably very complicated for them. 

I think the layering of a miscarriage and Sammy's departure maybe intensified each other. Sometimes the sadness still comes out of nowhere, and I guess that's just grief. I'm assuming next Mother's Day won't sting like this year's did. We might have different chaos in the house with a different foster child that will heavily distract me. But I'm glad I went ahead and got the ornament. Even if this year it reminds me that I've got a bear missing.