To 5 Year Old Nolan

Oh Nolan,

You're five, little boy. You hold up a whole hand when people ask you how old you are, and I'm just not sure how I feel about it. Watching you get older just toys with my heart. While I love seeing you grow and own who you are as a bigger boy, I ache knowing that these little years have slipped by. Time can be such a trickster. 

This past year held a little bit of magic that I hope I treasure forever. I watched you welcome and love Sammy in a way that even Mommy struggled to do at times. You truly loved him and cared for him in a selfless way that I wanted to emulate. You often considered him more important than yourself, and your pursuit of him would not be hindered despite his struggle to connect with others. Nolan, it was unbelievable. I'll never forget your heart for Sammy. I can only hope it extends to the next kiddo that enters our home.

You still have an enthusiasm for life that is unparalleled. You are exuberant and energetic in all things. You take delight in life's simplest joys, and I absolutely adore that about you. 

On several occasions, you were my biggest cheerleader, and it dissolved my heart into a puddle every time. I took on a few baking jobs this spring that nearly sent me over the edge. You genuinely and whole heartedly believed in me and cheered me on. I won't forget putting you to bed, knowing I still had to conquer another dozen cake pops, and you wrapped your arms around my neck and said, "You got it, Mommy! I know you can do it!" I literally cried. And you celebrated my job completed the next morning. Buddy, you are the best!

This year we certainly had our fair share of butting heads. Honestly, kid, your inclination to argue can make my head hurt. But I've tried and tried to tell myself that this can all be for good one day. I sure do hope you argue for what is right and just in your future. I hope you stand up for Truth and defend the weak. Because oh my word, you can wear a person down. 

I love you, Nolan. I feel like I've failed you so many times, yet you love me regardless. You've extended forgiveness when I didn't deserve it, and I'm grateful. Watching you transition into a big kid will probably keep me on an emotional rollercoaster. And I've mostly accepted that.

Buddy, I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And I'm proud of you. 
Always.

Love,
Mommy

He's a Whole Hand

Nolan turned 5. And he's pretty excited about it. When he came downstairs the morning of his birthday, he was literally running laps around the house, 100% convinced that he was faster. Honestly, I was kind of convinced, too.

This kid went to school for the first time. He went two days a week, and that was just right for him. He thoroughly enjoyed going to school, but every single time we picked him up, he wanted to know what went on at home without him. He had his best buddy in his class, and that made for a very, very fun year. It was neat to watch him grow in confidence and be genuinely excited for what his day of preschool would hold.

He also played on his first soccer team, and HE LOVED IT! He played with the biggest smile and the most enthusiasm. When he scored, he'd look around for people to be cheering for him. Adam helped coach the team, and Nolan would run up to him for high fives every single time. It was so fun to watch him do something he loves.

Nolan got promoted to big brother of two for most of the last year. He took in Sammy as his own brother from day one. It was truly remarkable, and one of the most memorable parts about our first foster placement. Nolan has been quite the hospitable little boy for the past couple of years, but it got taken to a whole different level with Sammy boy. It was amazing to watch. 

Nolan's love for sports is growing, and his dad is thrilled. He loves watching football and basketball, and he got to experience his first Braves game. He loved it! He loves shooting hoops, kicking the soccer ball, hitting off the tee, and being a receiver when we play football (calls himself Julio Jones). The kid just loves sports!

We're starting to see some growth in Nolan's fears and anxieties. It's been a good reminder to me that the issues that can seem so frustrating and consuming will not always define our kids. Nolan loved the characters at Disney, and it was literally a paralyzing fear for him previously. He loves the beach and runs with such wild glee, and he used to hate that, too. It's been a relief to see fear and anxiety loosen their grip on him. 

These are Nolan's people (Ezra not pictured). They are his first choice for every single thing. If we lived near the North Carolina Rodriguez family, he'd lose his mind. We pray for all of his cousins every.single.night. When we are about to do something fun, he often says, "I wish Ryann and Alee were coming!" They are the best.

Nolan is turning into a big boy, and I seriously cannot even let myself think about it. This will be the final year that Nolan doesn't go to school Monday-Friday. He's doing one more year of preschool before kindergarten. And I'm hoping we can cherish our bonus year before full blown elementary school starts. 

Some noteworthy conversations that I want to remember.

Isaac: I wish I was a panther (the actual animal).
Me: Well, God made you a human.
Nolan: Isaac, if you pray and ask God to make you a panther, He can. God can do anything.
Me: (thinking to myself, "How do I explain that while God is capable of turning a human into a panther, this is not something God has a history of doing.")
Isaac: I'm going to ask.
Me: (teachable moment lost)

Nolan: When we die will we come back to life like Jesus?
Me: [pauses] Well, when we die, no. If you have a relationship with Jesus and have asked God to forgive your sins, you'll go to heaven.
Nolan: I don't have a relationship with Jesus.
I fumble my way through the Gospel at his level.
Nolan: So, is Julio Jones going to die? 

Nolan from the other room: Every time I make a bad choice, I'm going to thank God that Jesus died on the cross as my punishment. 
Me: stunned silence

This kid. He can argue with a brick wall one minute and be telling me I'm the best mom in the whole world the next. I sure do love him! 

But Even If Not

For the second time this year, I'm approaching a date on my calendar with a little black circle in the upper left corner signaling to me I could start breathing easy. And for the second time, that little black circle reminds me that life is precious and fragile and beyond my control. I'm not approaching this date with sweet relief like I hoped and prayed; instead, I'm approaching this date with a daily fight to have my hope in the One who holds this life together. 

Today, I had my final blood draw to do one last set of tests, and my doctor met with me to discuss what it could look like to move forward. As I waited in the room for the doctor to enter, I could a hear a Mama in the room next door getting her ultrasound. That swoosh, swoosh, swoosh was so loud, and I whispered out loud, "Savor it." I fought to get control of my emotions, as I was determined to not cry this time, I repeated the verse that has become just second nature to pray, "But I will hope continually and praise you yet more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge." Psalm 71:14-15

Adam and I have processed this loss much differently from each other this time around, and it's required an intentional effort to be gracious with each other as we deal with what happened and look to what's next. Since Sammy left, our plan was to re-open our home to another foster placement at the end of summer if we weren't expecting a baby. We now face that reality. Knowing that at this point, we have no plans to try to grow our family with another biological child, we are left trusting God to grow our family as He sees fit. Our hearts are for fostering, and even if another Tomberlin had arrived in August or February, our plan was always to re-open our home at some point. 

But I now know that fostering is H A R D. It's hard and slow and long work. As previously stated, it's worthwhile work. We also know that this does not guarantee us more permanent members in our family. And in the last month, I've had to work ( WORK ) to accept that the picture I had for my family may not ever come to fruition. While people try to assure me that if we are willing to take in children, surely God will give us more, it doesn't really give me any sort of reassurance. Adam has said the number of kids needing a family far outnumber the families willing to take them in. Which is probably true. But if this experience has taught me anything, it's that God's plans don't always line up with ours. 

But even if God doesn't bring us more kids, can I be fully satisfied in Him and live with joy in light of my salvation?

I've read the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego many times, but I've read it again recently. They stand before King Nebuchadnezzar refusing to bow down before his idol, and he makes it clear they are headed for the furnace. They quickly answer with confidence that their God is capable of delivering them from this furnace and from his hand, but they say even if He does not, they will not bow down, remaining steadfast in their devotion and worship to God alone.

I, too, know what my God is capable of, but even if He does not, I will not waiver in my devotion and worship of Him. And sometimes I can say that with confidence. And sometimes I'm asking the Holy Spirit to strengthen my inner being to be confident in that. I've been reading a lot of books on the character of God, and I am sure of this- my God is a good God, and His love for me has not wavered as I've struggled to accept this latest blow. 

God can grow our family, but even if not, my heart is His. My life is His. And I will continue to hope and praise Him yet more and more. My mouth will tell of His righteous acts. For their number is beyond my knowledge.