The Light Is Coming

In the days leading up to the first due date empty of any hopeful expectation, I was quite honestly, not doing well. The whole week prior to August 12th I'd often be crying or fighting back tears with very little provoking. I was reading the book Love Lives Here by Maria Goff, just crying when she'd be talking about her family. I sent my brother an e-mail communicating a decision I knew he wouldn't like, and I tearfully hit send and then cried some more. I don't even want to know what Adam was thinking all week long.

Then August 12th came and went, and it was far more gentle than the days leading up to it. So, I assumed the heaviness of the week was just me needing to get over this hump.

And I did see improvements, but something was still lingering.   

I'm doing a Bible Study on Philippians focused on unshakeable joy. I've been looking at the life of Paul and all of his struggles and his posture and heart attitude about all of it. And I keep wondering what's wrong with me. Something has seemed so off. There has been no sweet nearness to the Lord in this season of surrender and sorrow. I've had to cling to Truth and try to train my mind to believe it because I certainly wasn't feeling it. I've worked to have certain triggers in my days be reminders to turn towards God and be grateful. And in all of this, I'm knowing James 4:8 that says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." And thinking, "Ok! PLEASE draw near, God." I've said to numerous people, the thought of wasting all of this loss is so unsettling. 

I was reading Steven Curtis Chapman's book Between Heaven And the Real World. I got to the part where he loses his daughter in a horrific accident, which of course, I sobbed through. I cannot fathom their loss nor the circumstances around it. He shares about several people mentioning a full blown attack from the enemy on their family. And something inside of me broke. 

For literally the first time since June 11th when I lost our second baby, the thought crossed my mind that maybe the enemy was at work in all of this. And I wept. 

The confusion, the doubts, the wondering if our family would ever grow again, the loneliness, the exhaustion, could there be more going on than meets the eye? Have I been struggling and not even considered the spiritual battle going on? Something clicked.

I'm not saying Satan took the lives of my babies. I am saying the mess and turmoil that's been going on in and around me since then has LIES written all over it. 

And I've had to repent for being complicit with the lies of the enemy. For believing things about God and His ways that are not true. And in a small way, a little fight came back in me. There's been new hope that is weak but there. It's not that all of a sudden I think things will drastically change for my family, but I do have fresh resolve to not let the enemy get victory that's not his.

As this lightbulb moment that I do believe the Holy Spirit allowed me to have has been good, there are still moments of sneaky grief that catch me off guard. And the response for me right now has to be this- gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. I've been given far more than I could ever deserve, and I bow my tear streaked face in gratitude. 

An author I love wrote about this scripture that is now on a 3x5 card in my Bible. "I will give you treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, who call you by your name, am the God of Israel." Isaiah 45:3 

Treasures of darkness. That's a treasure most people don't want, as you can't see it while it's still dark. But it's there. 

And I have to believe the Light is coming, and I will see those treasures!