Sweet Baby

My Sweet Baby,

It's your due date! I can only assume you would NOT have arrived today because neither of your brothers came on theirs. But this morning I pictured what it would be like to see a tiny version of you for the first time, and it made my heart ache in a way I can't even begin to express. I imagined your little self wrapped up snug in a hospital blanket with just your face visible, and I wished with all I had that I knew what your soft cheeks felt like. Perfect, I'm sure.

When I first told your Daddy that I had a baby growing in my tummy, he was immediately over the moon thrilled. Once we knew you were there, there literally wasn't even a second that you weren't wanted. Not even a second. Immediately we made space for you in our hearts and pictured you in our family. Sweet baby, we loved you from the beginning. 

I'm so sad we won't be meeting here on Earth. I don't even know what it will be like to meet in Heaven. I'm thankful that you'll never ache for me like I ache for you. You've never lacked one single thing. You've only known perfection. You have no concept of what it's like to be missing you. And I love that for you. But I can't help but wonder what that moment will be like when I see you for the first time. I like to think that I'm going to know it the moment I lay eyes on you. 

Being a mom, it's so weird to realize that you've done so much more for me than I ever got to do for you. Typically the balance is tipped so heavily the other direction. But not with you. I only had a few weeks to care for you. But you've brought me to the feet of Jesus over and over and over. You've made me really look at who God is and who His word says He is. You've opened my eyes to see people hurting around me. Baby, God used you to change me. And He's not done yet. This Mama still has a long ways to go, but you'll forever be a part of my story. Our story. You are the catalyst for a greater dependence on the Lord. What a gift! 

I still don't understand why God gave you to us for such a short time, and I'm confident I never will. And that's okay. I do know this- I'm so thankful God did write you into our story. And I'm thankful that's He's trustworthy in all of our sadness and disappointment as we aren't holding you in our arms. 

I love you, my sweet baby. 
I always will.

Love,
Your Mama