Another One

Another due date came and went for me. 

Friday, February 1 would've been the target date for the second Tomberlin baby we lost. 

This one felt so different than the first. The morning of August 12th, I sat in my chair where I do quiet time, and I could just so clearly imagine that baby wrapped up in a hospital blanket with a little hat on. I could really picture in my mind her sweet tiny face [I don't know the baby was a girl, but that's what my instinct was]. But there was something tender and precious about picturing that baby girl. 

This time around, I looked back on the last nine months and felt like the sting of death was much stronger. There was a path of destruction like you see after a tornado. There was no sweetness to picturing a baby I won't meet until heaven because I never really even got to get excited about that one. Before I ever got pregnant, my gut was that I would lose another one. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it wasn't. While I viewed every day I carried that little one as a gift, my mind didn't make the shift like with the first one. There was a sense of uncertainty from the first moment. 

In the wake of that loss, I've faced months of stomach pain and digestion problems. Adam and I struggled in our relationship and understanding of each other. And for months, issues went unaddressed and festered in our hearts. 

So waking up on February 1, I felt heavy hearted. Again. I grieved not just the loss, but also everything that death has touched since then. 

Now, God did do and has done and is continuing to do such worthwhile work in our hearts, I'm grateful to the core of my being. Every single bit of this story is grace. 

And today, I am 14 weeks pregnant with another baby. 

There is once again life growing in my womb. This baby has already been a FORCE in our lives, quite literally bringing us to our knees, and God is using this little one to break places in our hearts that needed to be broken that we might experience the fullness of Him. 

Throughout the day on February 1, I couldn't help but wonder at times if I would be adding another empty due date to the list- August 4th. I'm in a really unfortunate in between stage of no longer feeling the grossness of the first trimester, but I also can't feel the baby move. Even today I thought to myself, "Do I even feel pregnant at all?" 

The day and evening of our anniversary, I was 7 weeks pregnant, and I started feeling cramps. For anyone that's had a miscarriage, this can be a terrifying and familiar feeling. I tried to ignore them, pray through them. As I was getting ready to shower before a date with Adam, I clutched my abdomen, choked back the tears, and pleaded with God for life. I asked God for faith to believe because I was so fragile. 

While I'm not that fragile now, I still know there are no guarantees. I don't know that I'm bringing a baby home from the hospital in August. My friend got me a onesie that has a rainbow on it, and it says "Tiny Miracle." And I so badly want to believe I'll get to put that on my baby, but I've seen the reality that God's ways are not mine. 

But I know He can be trusted regardless. 

I'm praying this next due date is full of hope and joy and maybe some labor pains.