I'm currently on what I'm calling a 24 hour sabbatical.
I'm at a Hampton Inn about 30 minutes away from my house, and I'll go back tomorrow. I really wanted to go to the lake, but ultimately the drive time for one night made me pivot. I pictured myself in the comfort and familiarity of the lake house when I took some time away, but anyone who knows me, knows that I love a good Hampton Inn. I have felt in my soul for a few months the need to pull away, and it just hasn't felt possible. At all. In all honesty, I've been saying for probably 4 months that I can tell I need to get outside somewhere beautiful because of how much that breathes life into my whole being, and to that end, I'm working to plan a trip for the family to meet that deep need.
I knew I wanted the time and margin to really reflect on this year and write about it, and I was confident it wouldn't happen at home. It couldn't. So, part of the push to take the step away was really to think and process 2022. On Monday, we were on the way to Adam's parents' house to celebrate Christmas, and he started talking about his plans for a building project that would require much of his attention on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (probably Sunday). Tears welled up in my eyes because I knew if he was doing that, I would have no break, no quality time with him, no help. We later decided- 1. This wasn't the week for him to embark on that project and 2. Yes, Marissa needs to take a step away.
So, alas, a look back at 2022 that could get bumpy...
The Red House
In March, Adam's boss offered us a 3 night stay at a house in Highlands, NC. Lighthouse had rented it for an event and didn't end up needing it. So, it was completely free and had to be used by the end of March. We went the weekend before Adam's birthday, and it was probably one of the most special times for our family all year. There was the thrill of a vrbo house that wasn't ours. It had a pool table and a beautiful view. We did a fun hike and even went to breakfast in town one morning. And then magic hit. It snowed overnight on our second night. This was when gas prices were truly astronomical, so we had driven our little Honda Civiv, so we pretty much felt stuck. I can say with confidence that that snowed in day on March 12 was the most restful day of our entire year. We experienced Sabbath rest, and it was a gift. I had to resist the urge to find things to do. The kids played in the snow with great delight. We had a fire going all day long. We watched basketball and movies and ate soup for dinner. It was truly magic. The kids speak with such love and longing about the Red House. We do, too.
Sabbath
Thanks to our experience at the Red House and a book we both read (Take Back Your Family by Jefferson Bethke), we wanted to really work on Sabbath as a family. We agreed that it cannot be Sundays because I lead my high school small group in the afternoon/evenings. So, we have aimed, but certainly missed the mark many times- to have Friday night kick off our Sabbath. I try to make a dinner that everyone is going to be happy about and eat eagerly. Most weeks there's dessert that night, and I've tried to make it one I can enjoy, too. And of course, Friday night is already movie night. It's Saturday that we really have to fight for. The book described it as "pleasure stacking." Doing things we love on Sabbath. So, we love watching the boys play sports, so we've decided that it's ok if we are at the soccer field or basketball court on Saturdays because we love that. I love having people over for dinner, so that's ok, too. Adam enjoys tinkering in the garage, that's ok. It was hard to embrace Sabbath when we envisioned it as sitting around doing nothing all day. But when we shifted it to pleasure stacking, we welcomed that idea! Again- things got a little crazy in certain seasons- but it's what we are working towards.
Nolan
Nolan's 2nd grade school year was R O U G H. He stared seeing a counselor in November of that school year (with great reluctance and a lot of tears!!!). We couldn't figure out what was going on with him. He was so angry. So a huge part of 2022 from January to May was him going through counseling and limping his way through the end of 2nd grade. It took a while for us to finally get clued in on some issues in Nolan's classroom that were clearly causing him a lot of anxiety. That kid is an angel at school. Always has been. And he got sent to the principal's office a couple of times for things that had been done TO HIM. Not that he had done anything wrong. But man oh man, once we could finally piece together that his school environment was putting a lot of stress on him, it helped tremendously at home. THANK GOD we finished 2nd grade, and he is now with an amazing teacher in 3rd grade!! He's not perfect by any means, and he absolutely still struggles with anxiety, but there's been a noticeable shift since starting 3rd grade.
Twisted Cycle
I started working at Twisted Cycle in January doing childcare 2 times a week from 9:15-10:45. I got a free membership as part of compensation, which is why I was doing the job. My first or second day working, the owner asked me if I would consider becoming an Instructor. I already had that thought rolling around in my head before she said anything, but I probably would not have made any moves on my own. But because she sought me out, I went for it. In March I went through training (which was 2 very long days, and I wanted to quit after the first one because it was so overwhelming). I passed my audition in April, and I got the final stamp of approval after being evaluated coaching an actual class on May 5. I was on the schedule the next week.
It was a big adjustment. I can still really struggle with a lot of my own insecurities about this job. I really love it while I'm doing it, but I still get a lot of stress around it. All of my classes are on Tuesdays for the most part, plus one Saturday a month. I am typically my worst self on Mondays. It's getting better, but the stress of making a playlist each week can get to me. And I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to deliver a great workout to the members each week. I have had so many conversations with Adam about whether or not people like me or which type of people like me. My confidence can rise and fall with my class sizes each week, which is just awful. In so many ways, doing this has opened up a floodgate of unnecessary self doubts. I was killin' it just working out there. I told Adam in November that I was thinking about quitting because I was tired of feeling like this. But when I thought about telling the people I've come to really enjoy and care about that I was leaving, I didn't want to. Because I do care about them. But for my own well being, I need to see something shift by the time I hit a year in May.
But I have enjoyed the other women I work with and getting to know them and learning from them. One person in particular has come alongside me so much and without her I probably would have quit a long, long time ago. I'm grateful for her friendship and encouragement.
On a completely different measuring stick- back in June we had a 1 mile challenge. How fast can you bike a mile. They recorded your times. They've started doing benchmark challenges so members can see their own growth. In June I completed my mile in 2:45, and I felt like it wasn't my best but I was pleased with it. It ended up being the fastest time of the day. On Friday, we had a 3 minute distance challenge- how far can you go in 3 minutes. I hit a mile at 2:37 and obviously kept going. But I was proud of myself for dropping 8 seconds on my mile time. These types of things are part of what I love about Twisted Cycle. These opportunities to see and celebrate improvement- it feels rare in regular life.
Lighthouse
2022 brought more stress and more travel for Adam than ever before. The summers are always a lot, and we've come to accept them for what they are. But his travel this fall really picked up. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Adam got promoted to VP of Development, and he absorbed the stress of a VP, too. It was a challenging back half of the year with the combined stress and increased travel. I still absolutely believe in Lighthouse and love the mission. The work they do is so valuable and necessary. But at the end of this summer, Adam and I did look at each other and wonder- how much longer can we sustain this? Now, as always, there is a goal to travel less this coming summer. But only time will tell.
Backyard/Porch Reno
Back in 2020, we started the conversation about moving. We love our neighborhood, so the ideal situation was finding a house in the neighborhood. We wanted- ideally- a 4th bedroom, a basement, and a little more space in the main living area. Well, pretty soon after we started looking, the housing market took off. It became pretty clear to us that we it was the right time to sell but certainly not buy. In the spring of 2022, we decided to sink a lot of money into extending our back deck and screening it in. Then at the end of the summer, we did a complete backyard overhaul. Also a lot of money. The idea being, we were extending our living space and play space by having the screened in porch and the beautiful back yard. And we love it! Money well spent, in our opinion. It's easy to have people over because we now have plenty of places to sit. The kids and their friends have the field to play soccer, football, or whatever madness they make up. I have closed the door on the idea of moving at this point. I would still like a fourth bedroom, but really, we have plenty of house. Plenty of families in the world cram way more people into a much smaller space.
Grief
This one could be the bumpy one.
It's really hard for me to reflect on this year aside from the weight of grief that felt like a very close companion. In so many ways, this year has felt hard and heavy. In January, I told my prayer group ladies (a whole thing in itself) that Adam and I weren't going to be trying for another baby. I really wasn't doing well. I had my eyes on December/January as when we'd try one more time to have a baby, but I came to the conclusion that my heart couldn't handle it. I had no answers after months of supplements and 2 rounds of bloodwork. I couldn't see the wisdom in trying again. After the miscarriage in July of 2021, I really refused to acknowledge the gravity of that loss because I was just after answers and was determined to have a healthy pregnancy. So, to no longer be striving for either of those things, grief came crashing in on me. WHILE my closest friends got pregnant and had babies around me. It feels like a weight on my chest right now just remembering some of the more painful times of this past year. Staring down the sadness of losing 4 babies AND the disappointment of not being able to grow our family anymore- it was at times overwhelming. I would come home from meeting with my small group ladies and sob into Adam's arms. I'd listen to hours of conversation centered around pregnancy and babies and breastfeeding, and I would know that I didn't belong in these conversations. Yet my friends didn't notice. It was so lonely and so gut wrenching at times.
We knew I needed help, but counseling is expensive. We decided to phase Nolan out of counseling, and I would start going. I was going to see Nolan's counselor. There was some base level trust and understanding between us, and I didn't want to be put on a wait list. My first session with her that wasn't centered around Nolan was on my birthday. And I held nothing back. I spilled the tea, as the kids say these days. I remember being folded over, face in my hands, crying as I let the words spill out of my mouth. To get the full scope of the story I had to back it up. Which meant I also re-hashed the incredibly challenging year that Adam and I went through in our marriage. I talked about the awful reality of physically losing 4 babies. And the pain around other people's silence. The struggle to know God's love for me in the mist of all the heartache. It was quite a session. I can vividly remember her looking at me with knowing eyes.
We agreed to move forward together. It's laughable that the first session was supposed to be exploratory to see if it was a good fit. Poor woman. I've been going twice a month since then, and it has been hard. It's hard to bring to the surface what I've kept dormant for so long. It's hard to work through and acknowledge some of the impact of that hard year of marriage. It's been hard to feel very open with these wounds and not have a guaranteed prescription that would heal these spots up nice and quick. You know how antibiotics take effect after about 24-48 hours? That's not how counseling works. Grief is tricky and sneaky and doesn't follow any rules.
I would say I'm closer to accepting that I won't birth another baby, but it still pains me. Every time I get asked if we're done having kids or doesn't Elliana need a sister or why not have one more, my heart still aches. The unexpected yet totally healthy pregnancies for people around me- it's still hard. While I'm so grateful that Elliana is healthy and growing, it has been painful to step further out of the baby stage. We took her crib down the day before her third birthday, and I ugly cried. It was the first time in 9 years that we didn't have a crib in our home. I've gotten rid of all of that baby stuff. And I've lamented it all. While my friends are eagerly scheduling vasectomies for their husbands, I am jealous of their choice. They are choosing to no longer grow their families.
One time I asked my counselor- when does it stop? When does it stop hurting so badly? While she obviously couldn't answer the way I wanted her to, she could assure me that it does get better.
What Now
In a lot of ways, I think that facing my grief defined 2022. Being in counseling has helped in a lot of ways, but it's also made me feel crazy at times. So much is right under the surface all the time, that I feel uneasy sometimes. It's been hard to acknowledge needs and weaknesses to Adam. For almost the entirety of our 11 year marriage, I've wanted to make his life better and easier, and I hit a point once counseling started that I couldn't. As I started being honest with myself, I just couldn't hold everything together anymore. The three big areas we discuss- the loss I experienced in miscarriage, the issues within marriage, and then my poor relationship with food- I call them the 3 balloons. Because I can feel pressure building in each one and then when one of them exceeds capacity, it pops.
I'm planning to continue with counseling for the time being. Right after my first session, I also met with the one friend who I thought had margin to walk through this season with me, and we agreed to go a little deeper in our friendship. My ladies group mostly just meets socially once a month, but she and I have committed to meet regularly. And I probably need to take the step of getting connected with ladies at our church, somehow. It doesn't feel like there's any way to add that to my plate, but I know it's necessary. Being in community with other believers would have drastically impacted this past year.
There are times that I definitely feel like I'm floundering just as a human, unsure of who I am and what I am doing. I struggle to be sure of myself, and it's not a good feeling. This is certainly one of the areas I'm hoping to see growth in this year.
Per usual, as I've word vomited all of that, it feels important to also say-
We had a lot of great experiences this year. We got to take a free beach trip just the five of us again. We went in May, and it was so wonderful. We did the beach with my family, which is always a highlight of the summer. We also went to Family Camp in North Carolina and Disney with Adam's family. It was a full year!! Isaac transitioned to Nolan's school for first grade, and he's crushing it! Elliana finally decided to go pee on the potty, which was a WHOLE THING, but she did it!!! We've deepened our friendships with neighbors. We got a bunny. We served at Lighthouse. Elliana is the cutest little girl I've ever known. She is tender and spicy and stubborn, and she is still 100% Mommy's little girl. Her little voice and killer dance moves light up my world. Isaac is an easy kid to enjoy. He's got grit and is willing to take on challenges. He's definitely found a salty side in the last few months. But he's still mostly sweet Isaac. Nolan continues to be a sponge when it comes to all things animals. He loves to learn and explore. He's such a good reader, and he can surprise us with his thoughtfulness occasionally. Also- still sprints like Cheetah! Adam is my best friend and my rock. He's had to hold me up more than any other year in our marriage. He's prayed over me and spoken affirmations when I've really struggled. I have a ridiculously good life to be grateful for.
2023- I'm confident it will hold all of the same- beauty, sorrow, joy, pain, growth, etc. Each year holds it all. Each year holds it all differently, but all of it nonetheless.
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