Happy Birthday, Isaac Dean

Oh My Isaac Dean,

I can't believe I already have to do this. Weren't you just welcomed into our family like a month ago? 

I've got to tell you, Isaac Man, you are the sweetest gift to our family. I don't know that I could've dreamed up a better addition to this crazy Tomberlin tribe. You came into this world, and you settled right into my heart forever. As I carried you for 9 months inside of me, I prayed and wondered and dreamed of what it would be like to have two little boys to call mine. And I just didn't know how perfect you were going to be!

From the very beginning you've been such a laid back, go with the flow little guy. Your tiny self adjusted to life with us so quickly that I kept thinking I was enjoying the calm before the storm. But you didn't bring a storm with you. You just brought peace. And snuggles. I actually cherished our middle of the night feedings in those early days because I just loved holding you close. 

Though you brought a ton of peace to my heart, you turned your brother's world upside down. And you've endured a lot as he transitioned. You are tough. You are forgiving. It's almost like you are understanding of Nolan's struggle at times.  And really, you love that boy so much, so that helps. You seem more confident when Nolan is around which is odd considering how his treatment towards you is a toss up. 

Isaac, I love you so much. I love your little belly that seems to poke out of every shirt I put on you. I love your expressive little eyebrows that are quick to tell me what you think while words can't be formed. I love that you suck your thumb sideways, and that is has to be your left hand. I love that you have figured out how to sit in laps, wave night-night, and how you sign "all done" makes me laugh every time. I take such delight in watching you be you. 

As I snuggled you close on your last night of babyhood, I felt overwhelming grateful that I get to call you my son. Though I know lots of great stuff is coming our way, with each passing day you'll take more steps towards independence. Our relationship is going to change, and so I just held you tight and rocked you as I reflected on the blessing that is being your mom. Isaac Dean, more than anything, and I mean ANYTHING, I want your heart to belong to Jesus. I want you to know Him and and know His love. And after that, I want you to know that I love you and I like you just the way you are. 

I am so happy that I get to be your Mama. I love you so, baby boy. You are a treasure and a delight. You fit perfectly in our family, and I am excited to watch you grow and see your personality come forth more and more. Your crystal blue eyes, chunky thighs, and little giggle make me melt. 

I'll love you forever, Isaac. 

Happy Birthday, Buddy!

Love,

Mommy

12 Months. 1 Year.

Well. It happened. April 22, 2016 rolled around, and though I tried to stop it, Isaac Dean Tomberlin turned 1. He went to bed on Thursday just like any other day, and then he woke up on Friday a 1 year old. 

And the best way I can describe it this time around is the bitter is more bitter and the sweet is sweeter when I say it's bittersweet to hit this milestone. I know every child is different. I loved 1 year old Nolan, and I look forward to 1 year old Isaac. But I also know parenting takes a huge shift here. The toughest training I did with Isaac this first year was sleep training, and quite honestly, it was easy peasy. The training that's ahead of me, probably not going to be easy peasy. 

Isaac had his first Easter. He did not care one bit. He really did love the Easter eggs because they were the perfect size to hold and shake. But really, it was just another Sunday. 

Isaac still strongly favors me, and I'm not concerned about it at this point. Honestly, it's made his first birthday a little more gentle on me. He's doing better with other family members, which is a relief! But I can't deny the fact that I love the way he likes to check in with me regularly for a quick thumb suck and hair hold. 

Isaac is starting to stand up for himself when it comes to Nolan's roughness. AND I LOVE IT! Adam and I both quietly cheer him on when he pushes back or grunts at Nolan. He's also starting to show some signs of tantrums coming. He is such an easy going kid, but I've seen him get legitimately mad a few times when I've done something as simple as taking a toy away.  I think it's a sign of things to come. 

Isaac scrunches up his face in just the cutest way when he's excited. He does it a lot when he's walking around as quickly as he can. And when he has a ladle in his hand-- forget about it. He walks with his cute growing belly pushed forward, and I smile every time. He still loves baths. He dominates just about everything I put on his tray. And he LOVES my parents' dog. One thing that's still really lovely about Isaac is that given the right circumstances (a long day at the zoo), he'll still take a quick snooze on me in the ergo. That's a win for me!! 

Adam and I looked at videos of life at this time a year ago, and we are well aware of just how much changes in a year. I want to be present in these days and enjoy them. I do have a lot of emotions about this boy turning 1. We are not trying to get pregnant right now, like we were when Nolan turned 1, so I don't know when there will be another baby in my home. And that makes me a little sad. I wouldn't say that I'm one who is "baby crazy," but that first year is something special. 

I am so grateful for our precious Isaac. I'm thankful that God delivered him in such a peaceful way (I won't ever forget that!), and that I'll always have a story of God's faithfulness when I think back to his birth. I love our Isaac Dean! 

When Motherhood Feels...Like A Lot!

I had to take a shower as soon as I put the boys down for their naps. I mean, I did work out earlier, but more importantly, I wanted to wash away any remnants of the morning. Can a shower do that? I was weary from the battles I faced with my toddler, and I was weary from the battles I fight within my own self on mornings like these. 

I am so quick, so quick, to believe the best for other parents. I don't know your life, and I'm certainly not going to make snap judgements off of a 30 second encounter I witness. When people tell stories about poor behavior they witness, in my head I'm pleading, "But you don't know what their day looked like. You can't see the whole story!" 

But it's a different story for myself. 

Nolan has been wearing.me.down. The consequences have varied. The pep-talks a plenty. The reminders constant. These last few days have been tough. And it seems like nothing is sticking. Nothing. 

And it's days like today when motherhood doesn't feel sanctifying, it feels exhausting. It feels horribly discouraging and lonely. Like I want to look to the right and to the left to see if anyone else is failing alongside of me, but I choose to just run my race. I resist the urge to play the comparison game and instead choose to lift my eyes up. 

As I stood in the shower letting the water wash over me, I replayed my view of our morning in my head over and over. How I lost my patience and spoke too harshly. How I was a far cry from slow to anger. How I let offenses build on one another instead of truly forgiving with each repentance my 2 year old offered (genuine or not). It looked ugly from my point of view. It looked like a mom operating out of her own strength and her own flesh. And the heaviness of my failures was a bit much for me. 

So, I just asked, "Jesus, can you show me where you were all morning? Like, really show me where you were in these scenarios!" 

And you know what came to mind? A whole different set of happenings this morning. When I hit my elbow on the chair and grabbed it out of pain, Nolan immediately prayed, "God, come be with Mommy. Help her owie. Help her comfort. Amen." And Nolan hugging my neck and saying he loved me randomly after helping him go potty. And so different scenes replayed in my head. 

I can see Jesus in the both sets of circumstances. And I have to fight the urge to believe He's only happy with me in one set of them. That He's not disappointed with my effort.

I've heard many, many times that I cannot let my children's behavior, good or bad, define me as a mom. I love this quote from a book (Hope Unfolding by Becky Thompson) I just read, "But the truth is, when we look to our kids to find security in our parenting, we will only be left feeling disappointed. Not because they are a disappointment, but because their need for a perfect Savior does not indicate our failure as mothers. It simply means that they need Jesus just as much as we do." And so what I hope to do in the midst of these tough mornings is give my kids what they need most, which is Jesus. 

Because it's what I need too. 

This mom life is no joke. 

And as I have the luxury of getting a "reset" at nap time (and I do know it's a luxury!), I choose to trade in this guilt for forgiveness. I choose to lean into Grace instead of sinking into defeat. I choose to offer up a heart of repentance and receive newness. Right now. 

11 Months-- Hold Me

I'm choosing not to dwell on the fact that my baby is almost 1. Instead, I'm just enjoying the squishy and delightful baby that he is. Because he is still a baby right now. 

Isaac is WALKING. And I don't just mean he's taking a few steps here and there. I mean, he's walking. He walks, and when he falls down, he stands back up to resume the walking. His preferred mode of transportation is walking. So, it's just a matter of time before those thighs thin out and firm up. Insert: tears. 

Isaac is still very much a Mama's boy. He still has a hard time being left in the nursery. He'll regularly come up to me to hold my hair and suck his thumb almost as if to recharge his Mama battery. He did AMAZING when we left him overnight with my parents. We were all a little nervous he'd struggle, but for those 24 hours, "out of sight, out of mind" was actually true. 

Isaac has been a champion of an eater. He ate fistfuls of asparagus. What? He does, however, not eat Chick-fil-a enthusiastically, which has been really tough. I know that he'll eventually come around, but how could one of my children not love Chick-fil-a?? It just doesn't seem possible. 

Isaac has 6 teeth right now. It doesn't look like any more are coming down anytime soon. And for the record, his eyes are still very, very blue. 

This precious boy is almost 1. I can hardly believe it. Last Easter I was very pregnant and hoping to be pregnant for at least another week. Being a family of 4 seems so normal now, that it's crazy that a year ago Isaac wasn't even here with us on the outside. I'm so glad we have this boy in our lives. He's the sweetest baby and perfect addition to our family. 

That Time I Thought I'd Write More

Back in January, when people naturally evaluate things to change for the upcoming year, I thought to myself, "I really, really want to commit to writing more." And not because I have an audience demanding it (hardly), but because I think it's so valuable for me. I never vocalized this thought, and I'm really glad I didn't. Because I have been 0% successful. 

There have been many, many times when I've had stuff rolling around in my head and heart, and I knew that writing would help. But when nap time comes around, it's a lot easier to use those 2 hours for folding laundry uninterrupted, working out uninterrupted, showering uninterrupted, or reading a magazine uninterrupted. Notice a theme? 

And now I'm at this point where I think I've forgotten how to write a post that actually pulls all of my thoughts together instead of random tidbits that can't seem to intersect. Because if there's one post I can nail, it's a monthly update post about my babies. 

But in these first nearly 4 months of 2016, there has been a lot of wrestling for the Tomberlins, this one especially. Adam and I decided we would watch less Netflix, read more together, and spend time in the quiet instead of always assuming that the hours after the boys go to bed would be spent "unwinding" from the day by doing mindless things. I'm all about balance here, peeps. We still watch The Office at least once a week! And it is March Madness.

All that to say, there's been extra time to sit and discuss the struggle. We read You and Me Forever by Francis and Lisa Chan. I've been reading through The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. (We're about to start The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.) And we've talked ourselves in circles time and time again about these issues that keep popping up for us. 

Adam and I have been discussing for over a year off and on, but definitely ON lately, about what it looks like to be faithful with the Gospel. What does it look like to "associate with the lowly (Romans 12:16)" and "pour yourself out for the hungry (Isaiah 58:10), and be a "doer of the word (James 1:22)" right here, right now in this stage of life? Are we making disciples right now? Is my life proclaiming the Kingdom? 

It's been tough and heavy and frustrating to talk through this. We started our house hunt in June/July of 2015. When we hit January with mounting discouragement and confusion about the process, we really started reevaluating a lot. We started wondering if maybe we needed to be strategic about where we positioned ourselves. If Jesus cares so much about the poor, could we potentially move into a very low-income neighborhood? Should we put Clarkston back on the table? We sought out wise counsel to help us work through the tensions we'd been experiencing as we felt very convicted reading through the Chans' book.

Conversation after conversation only built up more frustration for me. I feel strongly about "the least of these," and the message I kept getting from ladies ahead of me was this: the season you're in- raising young children- is just that, a season. I still didn't feel like that's a good enough answer, so I found myself feeling more and more isolated in this tension I was feeling. Motherhood can be isolating in itself, the last thing I wanted was an extra measure of it. 

It didn't look like Adam was going to be eager to do the whole low income neighborhood thing, but he was definitely open to it. We drove to the poorest part of Roswell to see the government funded housing, and we just prayed on the street, asking God for some direction. We felt lost. We had all of this tension but we had no sense of what to do with it. 

And so it brought me to a place of surrender that looked a lot like this- God, I feel so stuck and confused, and I can't hear you right now!! I can't discern what this next step of life should look like. I want my life to be used for Your glory, even if it doesn't look like moving into poverty like I envision it should. So, I give up (layman's terms for 'surrender'). 

And then a house came on the market in the neighborhood we loved on our very first day of looking at houses back in July. So now we prepare to move to a nice, mostly well-off neighborhood into a house that I really am very excited to make our own. But I don't know how long it will be before I face the same tensions Adam and I have been wrestling through for months. We are determined to steward this house well and be intentional with our neighbors. And I am trusting that as I keep my hands and heart open before the Lord, He is more than capable of speaking to us and using us right where we are. And I can't help but believe that everything that's been brewing is for a purpose. God is working something out in us, even if I can't see the whole picture yet. 

But this felt like something I needed to write down to remember. So I can look back one day and see how God was using this time to refine us and make us look to Him. 

Looking Back

My memory is not what it used to be, and I worry what's going to happen in a few years. So, I keep wanting to make sure I write down the memories that I don't want to forget. Even though what I'll probably end up remembering is the written down version. It's better than nothing. 

Adam and I are well suited for each other for several reasons. We love being outside. We both like to eat. I love to bake, and Adam loves dessert. I really love to laugh, and Adam feels really loved when people find him funny. I am genuinely perplexed by couples who don't laugh a lot (and don't care if they do or don't) because that is all I know. 

When Adam and I were dating and engaged in Seattle together, we were just so happy to be living near each other that those months prior to marriage were really sweet and really fun. Sometimes we would get out of the car at a store and one of us would yell, "Race you," and we'd immediately take off in a sprint to the front door. Adam would often run in a very dramatic fashion, and I would always end up in a fit of laughter by the time we reached the front of the store. Looking back on those times, I'm really glad that people often thought I was a teenager because that behavior seems more acceptable from kids. Nonetheless, I love remembering those days of being so happy to do anything together. 

We spent hours that first summer together at parks playing frisbee. Summers in Seattle were absolute perfection. Going to the plethora of parks was free entertainment. Playing in those open fields barefoot was pretty much my picture perfect day. We had all the time in the world and no money. I'm so, so thankful for that glorious summer when I was on summer break and Adam didn't have a job yet. 

As we are about to head into yet another March Madness, I look back with such great fondness on our first married March Madness. Adam didn't have a job. We didn't have tv. I can't remember if we even had reliable internet at this point. But it was the SEC tournament, and we couldn't access the game however we normally watched games (had to have been poor internet). So, Adam and I got up early Saturday morning, being that we were on the West Coast, and we found a sports bar that was open for breakfast who put the game on for us. We stayed there for the whole game, eating breakfast and cheering on the Cats. The next morning it was the same situation, and we found ourselves in our comfy clothes back at the same bar cheering on the Cats. This time there were a few other UK fans in there for the championship game. 

Anytime I reference those mornings at the sports bar Adam always laughs and asks why I loved those mornings so much. And I can't really say why. That March is what got me really sucked into Kentucky basketball, and there was just something special about major splurging on two back to back breakfasts out to cheer on the Cats because we couldn't get the game on TV. It really is the simple things in life that leave an impression. 

We saw the sweetest elderly couple at Chick-fil-a tonight. They sat in the booth behind us. We watched them walk in. The man was carrying his wife's oxygen tank and being so attentive to her as they found a place to sit. They gushed over our boys and interacted with us off and on during the whole meal. It was absolutely heart melting to watch the two of them together. Adam and I joked that we could so easily see us coming to Chick-Fil-A together even when we were on oxygen. 

And as I kept watching them as they walked out to the car, I looked at my man with confidence that I had chosen well. I don't doubt for a second that if God gives Adam and I that many years together we'll be laughing with our oxygen in tow. And it was a gentle reminder that this marriage we've got is a beautiful thing, and it's an opportunity to invite people into the Gospel message. Oh that we would love each other so well that people could see Jesus in us! 

Some days I wish Adam and I had more time before embarking on this amazing, sanctifying, exhausting journey of parenthood. But I am filled to overflowing with gratefulness that Adam is mine, and I am his. And I treasure the times we've shared together, and I can only hope for millions more.  

T E N months

We're on a very fast downhill sprint towards this little boy's first birthday, and I just can't handle it. I'm not one to say, "Where has the time gone?" But in this instance, WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE? It seems like a few weeks ago we were wrestling through the decision of whether I should be induced or not. And now this. Now my baby is speed crawling towards toddlerhood. 

Isaac is currently hardcore fighting his afternoon nap. He's got 3 (maybe 4) teeth coming in all at the same time, and it's made for some hard times for him. He's truly handled it like a champ. He hasn't wanted to eat as ferociously as he normally does, and he's wanted a little bit more of Mommy (read: a lot more). But I've been quite pleased with his pain tolerance at this point. 

Isaac is standing on his own and often. He likes to stand up and just clap for himself. I mean, who doesn't need a good standing ovation every once in a while? 

Isaac had his first hotdog this month, and he's a fan!! He's tried lots of new foods, and he's been pretty easy-going about the process. I'm ready to introduce peanut butter as recommended by the pediatrician. But I'm nervous about it, just like I was with Nolan. Isaac has eaten scrambled egg, and that's a huge win in my book. 

This little guy has NOT been a fan of being left in the church nursery. He's doing better, but this past Sunday when Adam walked down the hall towards his room he started crying. Made me sad. I left Nolan a lot more frequently than I've left Isaac, since I was coaching during his first 8 months of life. Isaac has a lot of Mama time, and he's not complaining about it. 

Isaac has started to get the concept of cleaning up the cars, and he verrrry slowly helps put cars in the tote, and it might be the cutest thing ever. 

Other cute Isaac-isms: sucking his thumb to the side while he holds my hair, his expressive little eyebrows which he raises quite frequently, and his naked booty crawl towards the tub as soon as we take his clothes off. 

Not so cute Isaac-isms: he's started dropping food of his tray at the table, he talk/yells very loudly when he's not pleased with the speed in which he's being fed, and in the last week or so he's started getting up at 7 instead of 7:30, but honestly- I don't think I can even complain about that. 

One thing I really, really love and cherish about my babies is their soft and squishy thighs. I love them. LOVE them. But as I've mentioned before, you can't really do much to capture that piece of babyhood. Pictures and videos are great, but I want to always remember how these soft baby thighs felt in my hands. I've been having Isaac go pantless a lot more frequently, so I can enjoy his full and soft thighs before they becoming walking/running/jumping legs. 

I'm all kinds of mushy for my baby boy these days.