My Heart Is Happy

Today was such a great day!

Here's my list of really wonderful things that happened.

1. I got 8 (yes, that's right- 8) hours of sleep last night. I woke up feeling RESTED!! It was unreal and a first for my Seattle life.

2. I got to work early, like always, and I got to skype with my most awesome sister-in-law totally unexpectedly. Which means I also got to see the sweetest face in the world, my dear niece. Who could've cared less that "Blue" was on the screen, but it's okay. I got 20 minutes with Erin, and that was a gift.

3. For the 2nd time this week, staff devotions were wonderful. This in itself would've been enough to make today great.

4. I got to go to elementary chapel for the first time (preschool doesn't go, we have our own). We sang, "We Fall Down," and it was the first time that I have heard kids other than my Thailand kids sing that song. At first, it was overwhelmingly sad, and I longed to have all 9 of those children with me. But then I soon enjoyed the beautiful and precious sound of hundreds of kids singing, "And we cry holy, holy, holy." All I could think of was Gong. This filled my heart with a joy and a gratefulness that I can't possibly explain. I do miss those 9 precious children more than anyone realizes. I'm thankful they have left a permanent mark on my heart.

5. Today was Celebrate Blue day in my 3s class, and it was so fun! Normally, the 3s is the much harder class for me, but I went into it with a different attitude. I just wanted to enjoy these kids. They have been entrusted into my care for the school year, and I want to be a part of pointing them to the heart of Jesus. We had a great Blue Day. Blue jell-o, blue tortilla chips, blue play dough, blue art projects, and blue home-made party hats. It was so fun.

6. Two of my staff friends that live here surprised me at cheer practice today! I screamed. It was so wonderful. Seeing a part of my staff family is the next best thing to my own family. I hadn't seen either one of them since I moved here.

7. We went to dinner, and they paid. What a treat!! I have been on the receiving end so frequently, and it's sometimes a hard place to be. But I've learned to truly receive.

8. I had an awesome voice message on my phone to completely top off my day.

Did I mention that it was a PERFECT fall day here in Seattle? Blue sky. The right amount of chill and warmth. Breezy. Gosh. It was awesome.

This has been truly a wonderful day. It's been a gift. There is no other way to describe it. And tomorrow my classes have a field trip, so I won't even be in the classroom. I'll be outside at the zoo. Forecast? More perfect fall weather.

Sigh.

This girl has a happy heart.

So Thankful

Last Friday, the dad of one of my students (we'll call her Elly) in the 4s class came in to quickly tell me that his daughter was in the middle of brain surgery. They discovered a tumor on her brain on Thursday, and they needed to operate immediately. He tells me this at 8:25, and I'm starting class with the other students in 5 minutes.

I was quite shaken with the news, and I wanted to cancel class. But the show must go on. He left, and I promised that we would all be praying.

This sweet, sweet little girl's face was in my thoughts all weekend long. There was an added heaviness to my days, and I was so troubled for this family. On Sunday I called the mom to see if I could get an update on how Elly was doing. There wasn't really an update, and once again I promised that we would all be praying.

As I tried to think about the options for Elly and her family, I was constantly resisting the fear that once again I would witness the suffering of a little one and inevitably face loss. When I tried to picture Elly sick and fighting for her life, tears would spring to my eyes, and I would quickly erase the mental image. I was confident that I couldn't possibly handle this sort of heartache again, and I didn't know where to begin to pray.

Because last year, I prayed, confident that God was going to heal Samuel. And He didn't. This affected my relationship with the Lord more than I could possibly explain. Those were some of the most painfully alone days I've had. It's one thing to distance myself from people, but to distance myself from my Savior- it was a horrible season of life.

I dreaded the road I was potentially going to walk down again. See, Elly and I became friends quickly. She's got a real dry sense of humor and has a bright sarcastic future ahead of her. She's awesome. As with most teachers, I'm sure, you attach quickly to your students.

I've been praying for Elly. My classes have been praying for her. My family has been praying for her. The staff at school has been praying for her. And I finally heard that she's going to be okay. The growth on her brain wasn't even a tumor. But it was doing damage to her brain. They removed the entire thing, and she's now in physical therapy. She hasn't left the hospital yet, but one day, she'll return to my class.

When I heard the news, I nearly fell apart once again. Even I didn't realize what I was carrying in the past 7 days. I knew that I feared the worst, but I didn't realize just how much this was weighing on me. I'm so thankful that Elly will be okay, and her sarcastic self will lighten up my classroom again soon-ish.

I'm thankful that I know God is good when I get these good reports and when I get the bad ones. I'm thankful that I learned what I did in the past year. I'm thankful that I know God is going to use whatever it takes to make His name famous. And if that means bringing tragedy to people's lives, then may His name be magnified in the midst of it! If that means bringing healing to Elly's brain, then may all of our praises to Him ring from the mountaintops! I'm able to say with confidence, "Do whatever you must in me and through me and around me to accomplish Your will!"

For today, I'm rejoicing that God in His grace and mercy has spared Elly and her family a very difficult road. I can't wait to get Elly back in class.

I Don't Understand

It's not that I don't value writing here; it's that I usually value sleep more.

There were a couple nights last week when I went to bed at or a little before 10. I've just been exhausted as I try to get over this sickness that's hanging on and be ready for preschool each day and coach 2 teams and prepare for a side choreography job and find a place to live. Gosh. I'm ready for a nap.

The good news is that preschool is starting to feel a little more natural, coaching is natural, and I've found a place to live! Once I'm in my own place, I am hopeful that there will be a little more of a settled feeling in my life.

I'm still in the midst of finding a church to call "home." But one of the requirements of where I teach is going to the church that's associated with the school twice a month. I was required to be there last Sunday for Educator's Sunday (funny), and I decided to go back today to, in all honesty, get the 2nd one over with.

This week the service was about embryo adoption. This church has a new ministry to help parents who are unable to conceive to adopt an embryo. I had not really heard of this whole process until a couple of weeks ago. The concept of embryo adoption is still being processed in my mind.

When people try for in vitro fertilisation, there is typically several embryos that never get used. Couples have the option of donating them to science or allowing them to be adopted. Either way, from my limited understanding, the embryos go into a freezer to be stored until later use. They showed a news clip of a couple who did the embryo adoption, and their daughter is now 6 years old.

They highlighted 3 families at church that day who had children that used to be frozen. [Side note: I couldn't believe how upsetting it was to me that they casually referred to these children as freezer babies. They would say, "Their daughter was frozen for 4 years..." ] And then they brought on the stage the first family that this church helped go through the embryo adoption process. They brought up their baby, and they shared their story.

The church was very clear that they were not endorsing the fact that these embryos are created in such excess, but they are trying to make good come from the situation.

There are literally thousands of embryos frozen all over the country. Which, I think if you had asked me prior to today, I would have said, "Yes, I know that." But now my understanding of it all has broadened a little bit.

I was in my seat, crying, because I was looking at these 5 children, trying to wrap my brain around the fact that they were frozen at one point. And there are thousands more embryos in a freezer. Seeing these kids, it just broke my heart. And I just don't know what to do with this reality- there are probably thousands of lives that will never live.

I left church and went directly to a park to walk and try to understand what I had just heard. And figure out what I'm supposed to do with the information. Because right now, it just makes me sad. Deeply, deeply sad.

I was talking with people after church, and they were processing out loud, while I was processing internally. But they asked, "Why would someone adopt an embryo when there's tons of kids who have been born already that need homes?" And thankfully, someone else chimed in saying, "If we believe life happens at conception, than we should value the life of that embryo too!"

But I just don't understand. The fact that these embryos exist outside of the way God designed them to is mind boggling in itself. But I just need some help. What would most honor God in this mess? Is the answer to stop having so many embryos created? Is the answer to have all of them adopted?

All I know is that when I look at these children who were once frozen, it pains my heart to think of all of the other delightful children that could be in this world but instead are frozen.

Humbled

Back in August- last year- I went to Seattle to do a mini-camp. I got to be here 4 days for free basically. It was delightful. This was in the midst of some not so great times, and one evening I drove to Lake Washington (on accident). I stumbled upon a beautiful sunset that took my breath away. I prayed that day that I just wanted to be near God. And then that happened.

I cried as I sat on top of that hill and did nothing but take in the beauty of the Lord. I did not rush from that place, but I just sat there. Since that day, I've had a picture of the sunset taped in several places to remind me of the faithfulness of God. That evening, a part of me knew that I would be back in Seattle.

That back drop is necessary for me to continue.

Today was kind of a rough day. I left the house at 6:38 am, and I got back at 6:08 pm. It was a long day not just because I was gone for about 12 hours, but the day itself was just not smooth.

Staff devotions were a joke...again.

My 4 year olds class was going fairly well until their recess got moved in doors- a pretty normal thing for Seattle. After playing with play dough and eating a snack, an understood chaos fell over my classroom. Let me clarify- the kids all understood; I did not. I wasn't sure what came over my preschoolers, but they turned into circus performers.

My 6th grade P.E. class was a delight. 5 points for them.

The staff meeting- no comment.

The commute- yikes.

I had some disappointing stops along the way, and the last thing I wanted to do was be around people. But my host family was expecting me for dinner, and so I walked in the door with a weary smile on my face.

I left soon after dinner to go on a walk and regroup. I'm exhausted. I'm fighting sickness. I'm almost perpetually around people, and that's not good for me. I'm eager to find a permanent place to live, but I'm a little hesitant to commit to an apartment (NO wonder I struggle in relationships- haha).

As I was walking, I caught a glimpse of some spectacular color in the sky. I kept walking until I found a good spot to sit back and behold God's glory. Within minutes I was seeing the sky turn brilliant yellows, oranges, pinks, and purples. It was beautiful.

I sat and was reminded of that hilltop experience a little over a year ago. Once again I was reminded of the faithfulness of God. I was reminded that God is majestic and glorious. That even the heavens declare His greatness. And an overwhelming desire came over me to be an open sky on which God paints His glorious sunsets. That I would be used to display His power, His creativity, and His faithfulness.

I am humbled that I get to be in communion with a holy God who sets His glory in the sky yet dwells with the brokenhearted. I continue to be amazed at the bigness and wholeness of my God. His attributes are not all parts of the whole. It's not a circle that has equally divided parts like when kids are first learning fractions in math. He is wholly gracious. Wholly just. Wholly merciful. Wholly faithful. And the list goes on.

And my desire is to simply be wholly His.

7 nights

It's Saturday. Hard to believe that a week ago I drove into Seattle. As in, I actually exited off I-90 and onto another interstate.

My journey to get to Washington was ideal. I don't say that lightly. I think [know] I needed the time to process what I just agreed to do. I would be driving or riding, and a minor panic would strike. I would (try) to quickly submit that to the Lord with a small part of me thinking, "Did You reeeeeally lead me all the way out here?"

I think I must take this moment to publicly thank my traveling companion. Being in a small car for 40 hours is no small task. Doing it peacefully with someone isn't easy either. When I first talked about making this cross-country move, my brother almost immediately volunteered to make the road trip with me. Shocked, I quickly agreed, inwardly hoping that he wouldn't change his mind. And he didn't.

And I couldn't be more grateful for what he and his wife did. Leaving his family for a full week, driving- sometimes mindlessly- across the country, and staying with me for a few days upon arrival in the Emerald City.

I'm so thankful for the time we had in the car, the moments that led to wonderful laughter, the meals we ate in a flash, the ridiculous and beautiful things we saw along the way, the stupid Atlas trivia games we played, the feeling of accomplishment because we conquered I-90, all of it. I had a great time crossing the country.

And he graciously encouraged me through my first couple days of school without complaining about dropping me off at 7:20 or picking me up afterwards. He listened to my stories about my kids, threw the frisbee with me after day 1, and made me laugh as I was gagging due to stress. Dropping him off at the airport was my low point of the month probably. Moving to Seattle seemed so easy. I didn't understand why people had such a hard time moving places by themselves.

And then I realized why. I had my brother with me the entire time. But leaving him Tuesday night was a sad, sad time for me. The fear trickled into my car before he ever got out. Though I know he was ready to go, and his family was certainly eager to receive him, I wanted nothing more than to announce to SeaTac airport that he was a security threat in order to force him to stay.

Anthony hugged me and said, "You're gonna do it! You're gonna make friends and settle in. Find a good church. Get plugged in. You're gonna be great, Marissa! You can do this!" I was already crying, so I took this opportunity to just leave him.

And since then, Seattle just hasn't been the same. Because now this isn't some crazy, temporary adventure; it's my life. My alarm goes off around 5:50. AM! I teach pre-school. I coach 2 squads. And this just in- now I teach 6th grade PE and work the tutorial room two mornings a week.

I am still very excited to be here. I think this is a valuable learning season, and I anticipate some serious refining. Small children have a way of being God's tool for that. I will say, hearing 12 4 year olds and 8 3 years call me their own version of Miss Rodriguez is delightful. The majority of my 3 year olds sound like this: Miss Waad-weee-guz. Who can't help but smile at that?! They're trying so hard.

I'm very much still transitioning to life here in Washington. I've got lots to say, but I'm going to call it quits now. Thanks for the prayers. I appreciate them greatly.