Then and Now

In so many ways, my current life reminds me of the life I lived in Thailand. Sure, there are some HUGE differences. People speaking English is a pretty big one. I can drive. I have much easier access to people back home thanks to cell phones. I could go on. But I’m often in the middle of doing something, and I’m struck with the similarities.

I’m in a new place. Living by myself. Working with preschoolers. Feeling quite vulnerable, quite frequently. Throw in the occasional struggle with inadequacy. Again, I could go on.

The fact that I’m frequently reminded of my life in Thailand is both comforting and saddening.

It’s comforting because I look back on the Thailand season and know that season of my life changed me forever. God grew me like no other 6 months of my life so far. My relationship with the Lord went deeper, and my desire to know the Word better was sparked significantly. Not to mention, there were a certain 9 kids in my life that I was pretty crazy about. I shared my experiences with no one, which has made my time all the more sacred. I find comfort in the knowledge that though I was living out the hardest 6 months of my life to date, God met me right where I was at.

There’s comfort in remembering that time of my life. I hung pictures of the kids up in my apartment Saturday, and it felt really good to do that. I looked at the pictures for a while, and I let myself go back to those memories. I caught myself saying things out loud as I looked at the familiar pictures. I wish I could kiss Sarah’s cheeks, rub Peter’s head, and sing to Gong one more time. I want to hear Paul’s laugh. And watch Luca’s face light up when he gets really, really excited. I want to see Mark dance around with pure joy, and Om and Am be their goofy selves. I want more funny conversations with Ann right before she falls asleep.

See, there’s a pain in frequently remembering Thailand. I miss it with an ache.

Last night I walked to the grocery store just because I can. When I was in Thailand, I walked everywhere. I would walk over a mile to get to the grocery store, and then I would walk all the way back, arms full. The grocery store closest to me is no where near a mile away. As I walked, I longed for the streets of Thailand. I made the mental note that I felt safer walking in Chiang Mai at night than I did walking here. But I probably wouldn’t have said that when I was there.

I have a feeling that eventually my current life won’t remind me of Thailand all the time. Right now this still feels pretty new, and I’m pretty unattached to people here other than my 20 preschoolers and 14 cheerleaders. I’m still working on the 96 6th graders! :)

This life change has caused me to be much more in tune to what God is speaking to me. We’re having an ongoing conversation throughout the day, and I once again find myself longing to know Him better. I sense that God is calling me deeper in my relationship with Him. The deeper the water, the harder it is to carry excess baggage and stay afloat. And I’m finding that to be true. As God draws me closer to Him, I’m faced with a decision: Do I struggle to go deeper and not let go of some of this stuff? Or do I fully surrender all of me?

Obviously there is a better choice.

And some days I find that I have no option but to wholly surrender all of me. And then there are days when I say I would rather hang onto this crap even if it’s making my life ten times harder than necessary.

I’m so thankful to be in this place where God has my attention. I so desire to have God grow my faith and stretch the limitations I’ve placed on Him. So far, so good!

Whiplash!

I'm busy- story of my life.

Last weekend my parents came to visit me, and it was my favorite weekend in Seattle to date. The weather was gorgeous and perfect. This whole month we've had unusually (so they say) beautiful weather. We've had rain just a couple of times the entire month. I think I'm in for a rude awakening soon.

My parents are awesome! Their visit was entirely too fast, but I'm so grateful that they took the time to come. They overwhelmed me with their desire to help me and bless me. My mom volunteered in my classroom on Friday, and then left for the rest of the day. When I got home to my apartment, my cupboards and refrigerator were FILLED. Filled with food that I would never buy because I wouldn't have deemed them a necessity. I'm talking chips and salsa, hummus and carrots, wheat thins and laughing cow cheese spread- chipotle queso flavor, BLUEBERRIES, my favorite cream for my coffee, and the list could go on. Oh my gosh. Talk about spoiled.

I loved showing them Seattle in all of it's beauty. I got to take them to all the places that I don't have time to visit in my normal hectic schedule. It was awesome.

But most importantly, my parents listened to me. I know I dominated most of our conversations. It was the first time in a while I got to be really transparent and talk about what was going on right now. Someone actually cared to hear what God was teaching me and showing me. I got to receive wise counsel and get a little perspective on things (i.e. my spending habits- or lack of spending habits). I am so blessed to have parents who are still investing in my life and desire to point me to Jesus even at my ripe old age of 23! :)

And now I'm back to "normal." I'm experiencing some whiplash. When people ask me how I'm doing, they're really only looking for me to say, "Good!" Especially when they ask me as they're walking out the door. I'm back to building relationships with my co-workers and getting to know new people. These are good things. It was just nice to not be in that mode this weekend. Really nice.

This isn't a poor me session. I am abundantly blessed in so many ways. I'm just still transitioning to this new place. I continue to love, love, love all of the young people God has placed in my life. They range in age from 3-18, and I love that! I love going from 4 year olds to 11 year olds to 15 year olds all in the same day.

I'm thankful for my rich relationship with my parents who choose to bless me and love me in such a meaningful way.

I'm really looking forward to my next visitor who will be here in 20 days. Not that I'm counting or anything...

Well Now That's Different

In my 6.5 weeks of being here in the Seattle area, I've noticed some differences.

For starters, there are coffee shops EVERYWHERE! This a coffee culture. They have closet size coffee stands all over the place. These "espresso stops" have all kinds of coffee and specialty drinks. It's crazy. It's just understood here that everyone drinks coffee. And more often than not, people will say, "Let's grab some coffee!" Rarely do people suggest going to lunch or dinner. Just coffee.

When you let someone into your lane, the driver does not wave to show appreciation for the kind gesture. They just come on over. It's highly unusual for someone to give the wave. I always do.

The food genre of "BBQ" doesn't really exist here. I've seen literally one BBQ restaurant the whole time I've been out here.

People in the northwest vacation in Hawaii all. the. time. Someone asked me how many times I've been, and I told them I went 1 time. Their response? "Oh my goodness!! Just once?!" It's a pretty big deal that I've been to Hawaii. Why are you looking at me like that?!

People actually plan their days and commutes around the carpool lane. Several times people have been surprised that I've driven into the city by myself since that meant I couldn't drive in the carpool lane. These Seattleites LOVE their carpool lane.

We drink pop up here. And pronounce bag with a long "a" sound.

There are really funny misperceptions of the South. They think everyone goes to church and has good manners and eats fried okra for potluck lunch on Sundays. The girls are confident the men in the South are all true gentlemen, and they would have better luck finding a decent husband down there. And they don't believe me when I tell them it gets cold or that it rains.

From what I've observed there are far more biracial couples here. But not many black people in general.

I'm not sure what kind of food dominates the greater Atlanta area, but here, there is a teriyaki place or noodle soup place on every corner. Or both.

And there is definitely significantly less churches here than in Atlanta. I can go for miles without seeing one.

OH!!! And the spiders here are huuuuuuuuuuuuuge!

Those are my observations for now.

Delight

The more I get to know my preschoolers, the more I love them. I so enjoy my classes. It was easy for me to enjoy the 4s right away. Though they misbehave more often than the 3s, they converse and interact with me and each other with much greater ease. When we were in chapel this morning, I looked at them and couldn't help but smile. We have our issues, but we're like a family.

My 3s have become such a joy. I have always enjoyed the kids, but the 8 of them together were an interesting mix. Two of the 8 don't speak English, and that's just hard. But in the past week and a half, I feel like we finally have that family feel.

One little boy in my 3s class is quite the cutie and has such a sweet and tender heart. I really enjoy him, and I look forward to seeing him every Tuesday and Thursday. I've learned that he loves motorcycles, planes, and puzzles. LOVES them. I know to always get the basket of planes down before he ever comes into the classroom because he will want to play with them. I know which puzzles he'll enjoy. And his favorite food is white tic-tacs.

I was cleaning up after class one day, and I was putting away our puzzles. I thought to myself, "Gosh, I really want to find an airplane or motorcycle puzzle for Logan. He'll love it so much!" I was picturing his reaction, and I knew he would be pumped!

In this moment, I immediately sensed the Lord. And I got this picture of God taking great delight in giving His children good gifts. Logan isn't mine. But I want to bless him and all of my other students. The better I know them the easier it is for me to find little things to bless their hearts individually. If I desire to love these little ones intentionally, I can't imagine God's heart.

It's always been easy for me to know that God loves me; I often would/do wrestle with this concept of God liking me and taking delight in who I am.

Sometimes I still have this incorrect picture of God. I forget that He is a Father and has the heart of a father- but perfect. I have an awesome dad who loves me and loves loving me. I focus so much on the holiness, awesomeness, and worthiness of God, and I forget that He has a Father's heart. God is worthy of my affection. And I am so unworthy of His. But He gives it anyways.

The other day I got a package in the mail from my aunt that was so specific to my heart I was amazed. In her note she said she was confident that these were gifts from the Lord. He just chose her to give them to me. I read her note, and I was overwhelmed. Because I was already processing this concept of God wanting to bless me specifically.

God has been stirring up a lot in me, and I haven't been able to write anything about it. But this is one of the areas that keeps coming back up.

God delights in me as His child.

I want to ask, "But why?"

But for now, I'm just going to be quiet.