Then and Now

In so many ways, my current life reminds me of the life I lived in Thailand. Sure, there are some HUGE differences. People speaking English is a pretty big one. I can drive. I have much easier access to people back home thanks to cell phones. I could go on. But I’m often in the middle of doing something, and I’m struck with the similarities.

I’m in a new place. Living by myself. Working with preschoolers. Feeling quite vulnerable, quite frequently. Throw in the occasional struggle with inadequacy. Again, I could go on.

The fact that I’m frequently reminded of my life in Thailand is both comforting and saddening.

It’s comforting because I look back on the Thailand season and know that season of my life changed me forever. God grew me like no other 6 months of my life so far. My relationship with the Lord went deeper, and my desire to know the Word better was sparked significantly. Not to mention, there were a certain 9 kids in my life that I was pretty crazy about. I shared my experiences with no one, which has made my time all the more sacred. I find comfort in the knowledge that though I was living out the hardest 6 months of my life to date, God met me right where I was at.

There’s comfort in remembering that time of my life. I hung pictures of the kids up in my apartment Saturday, and it felt really good to do that. I looked at the pictures for a while, and I let myself go back to those memories. I caught myself saying things out loud as I looked at the familiar pictures. I wish I could kiss Sarah’s cheeks, rub Peter’s head, and sing to Gong one more time. I want to hear Paul’s laugh. And watch Luca’s face light up when he gets really, really excited. I want to see Mark dance around with pure joy, and Om and Am be their goofy selves. I want more funny conversations with Ann right before she falls asleep.

See, there’s a pain in frequently remembering Thailand. I miss it with an ache.

Last night I walked to the grocery store just because I can. When I was in Thailand, I walked everywhere. I would walk over a mile to get to the grocery store, and then I would walk all the way back, arms full. The grocery store closest to me is no where near a mile away. As I walked, I longed for the streets of Thailand. I made the mental note that I felt safer walking in Chiang Mai at night than I did walking here. But I probably wouldn’t have said that when I was there.

I have a feeling that eventually my current life won’t remind me of Thailand all the time. Right now this still feels pretty new, and I’m pretty unattached to people here other than my 20 preschoolers and 14 cheerleaders. I’m still working on the 96 6th graders! :)

This life change has caused me to be much more in tune to what God is speaking to me. We’re having an ongoing conversation throughout the day, and I once again find myself longing to know Him better. I sense that God is calling me deeper in my relationship with Him. The deeper the water, the harder it is to carry excess baggage and stay afloat. And I’m finding that to be true. As God draws me closer to Him, I’m faced with a decision: Do I struggle to go deeper and not let go of some of this stuff? Or do I fully surrender all of me?

Obviously there is a better choice.

And some days I find that I have no option but to wholly surrender all of me. And then there are days when I say I would rather hang onto this crap even if it’s making my life ten times harder than necessary.

I’m so thankful to be in this place where God has my attention. I so desire to have God grow my faith and stretch the limitations I’ve placed on Him. So far, so good!