Longing To Belong

So...it's 4:00, and I just got home, and guess who isn't here waiting for me. Yep. Adam. He's at work! He started a job on Monday, and we are in week 1 of what feels like barely seeing each other. But, boy, is my husband happy! Giddy might be the more appropriate word. He takes great delight in saying, "I have to go to work tomorrow!" 


With Adam accepting this new job, there's been a sinking realization for me. We're here. We're here in Seattle, and I need to fully live here. We're not going to just jet out of here anytime soon, and there's been a heaviness with this realization. 


Side note: Us being in Seattle is good for us and our marriage right now. 


Life is moving on back east, as it should, as we knew it would, and I feel left watching my friends and family live as I struggle to figure out what's here for us. I remember this terrorizing fear as I prepared to leave for Thailand. Everyone was going to keep living life without me and when I came back, there would be no place for me. Life and lives would go on, and they would see they were just fine.


I learned there was no reason to be so fearful as my friends and family welcomed me back with great excitement. 


But I'm just in this stage of feeling uncertain about it all.


Maybe because I don't know that I'll ever live in Atlanta again. Or maybe because so many of my staff friends are moving on in their lives too, and we have less opportunities to all be together. Or maybe because it doesn't seem like my friends are ever inclined to visit Washington. Reality is this: life is happening for everybody else.


I think the real reason for the uncertainty is that I don't feel so confident that I belong somewhere here. Yes, I have a very time consuming job. Yes, we have a wonderful church. We're in a small group. But some of the pieces of the puzzle seem to be missing. The deep heart connections just aren't here. We're still laying the groundwork for good relationships, and it takes time.  When I wanted to cry my eyes out yesterday because I was just so frustrated, poor Adam, floating on cloud 9 from working all day, got to hear me vent about 3 year olds and high school cheerleaders. 


The thing is, I know that we're so dearly loved by so many families out here. They have been generous and kind and caring. But it's more than that. It's the being known and having community. Building community is hard work, though.


And there's this thought in the back of my mind that as soon as that community is established, we'll be packing up to go overseas. But I try to quickly silence that.


All this to say, I'm ready to feel like I belong here, that we belong here. Also- the past 11 months of Adam not having a job (ya, he had a part time job for 2 months of that time stretch) has been exhausting! 


But just so I can record God's faithfulness yet again, my sweet preschooler from last year and her mom came to my classroom today and said, "Mrs. Tomberlin, please come to lunch with us! We just miss you so much!!" I wanted to hug the mom and silently cry on her shoulder. She just has impeccable timing! 


God is faithful to keep all His promises! My kiddos and I say that all the time. I just need to say it with a little more conviction!  

Raindrops on Roses...

My camera cord got smashed in the move back in December, so I haven't been able to upload pictures from my camera. But I finally got a new one! These are some things worth sharing...

Yes, this is the view outside our townhouse. I don't have a great camera, so it doesn't really do it justice.

I know, I know...it's annoying how photogenic he is. Notice the blue skies!

Hanging wedding pictures over Spring Break was a must for us. All of these frames were given to us, and we finally had time to fill them. My craft project from Michael's is that lovely 12-17-11 sign.

I never thought I would be one to skip the convenience of store bought items like cakes in a box, rolls, pizza crust, etc. But, I've been on a kick of making things from scratch, and these dinner rolls were so delightful!

Hello, Seattle! This is taken from Gasworks Park, one of my most favorite places to land in Seattle for a couple of hours. Adam and I just sat on the lawn for a long time on this gorgeous, sunny day.

Adam does not like to cook, but he does offer his assistance often. Unfortunately, if there are onions to chop in a recipe, that ends up being his job. He wants goggles to stop him from crying.

My amazing friend is on the World Race right now. She's in month 8 of 11. During the week of the letter W, I talked to my class about my friend and how she needed our encouragement and prayers. So, we took this picture to let her know we were cheering her on!

Lastly, my dishes just make me happy! We registered for 2 place settings of multiple sets of dishes. Some are square, some are round, some are solid, some have prints. But I love the colors, and I love opening my cupboards and seeing this! There's one set of dishes not pictured that I also love! :)

These are a few of my favorite things right now!

Back to the Daily Grind

School is back in session. 8 weeks to go.

One of the aspects of my job is to work with students (3rd-5th graders) one on one in reading and math. There's one girl that I work with every day. Her poor 4 year old brother is battling cancer, and she eats up my attention because life at home is kind of crazy and scary right now.

I say all this because we definitely have a relationship established. She sees me as someone who rescues her from her classroom for 30 minutes each day, and I see her as an adorable, albeit wiggly and chatty, girl who is struggling at school and desperate for adult attention and affection.

A few weeks ago she looked at me and said, "Mrs. Tomberlin, you wear the same things to school. You literally have 2 outfits." (Remember, this girl sees me everyday!!!)

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I just simply told her that I don't have a lot "school" clothes, and I don't like trying to think of new outfits to put together. She asked why I didn't just go buy new clothes, and I told her that I didn't have money to do that.

In a total moment of sincerity, she pulled out the 67 cents in her jacket pocket and said, "You can have my money. I didn't know you were poor."

I smiled and assured her that I wasn't poor, but I very much appreciated her offering. She was completely baffled as to how I could be not poor yet not have money to buy clothes. It's all relative, sweet girl!

Well, yesterday I picked her up from her classroom, and we walked down the hall to our tutoring room. She said, "Mrs. Tomberlin, you look so pretty today! You have never worn that outfit before!" She continued to look me over from head to toe before she added, "I know none of that is new though because I have seen all of those pieces before!"

She paused. Then assured me, "But you ARE pretty!"

Though the world tells me I need to be skinny, trendy, and beautiful, I now know that to get the approval of my 3rd grade friend here, I just need to mix up my "pieces" to produce better outfits.

Spring Break

It's Spring Break.

Huge sigh of relief.

I had to pick between posting a quick entry or working on the project I just bought all of the supplies for from Michael's. It was a tough choice. But felt like this might help me out more.

I told Adam what the last 10 Spring Breaks have looked like for me (yes, this takes me back to my freshman year of high school): knee surgery, California 3 years in a row, El Salvador, Cabo, Grand Cayman, South Africa, Seattle, and last year's trip to Atlanta/Lexington. So, I've been pretty spoiled. I've gone on some crazy, big trips for Spring Break. This would be the first one since I was 14 that I stayed put for the week. Ridiculous!

We've gotten a lot accomplished, had some fun, and we've experienced some 'firsts' as a married couple and for myself.

Highlights/Firsts for this Tomberlin family

*We ate the most amazing sandwiches from a wildly popular "restaurant" called Paseo. It's really just a step above a shack, but it had the best pork sandwiches I've ever had. That is a huge statement coming from this chica!

* We had our first Easter as a married couple and my first Easter without any other family. We grilled out with a couple of friends. I made my first cake (frosting included) completely from scratch, and it was much better than a box but much more time consuming!

* We've been working out together all week. Which has been really interesting and at times, a bit tense! Adam decided he was going to put us through modified workouts that he does for the football team. Wow. It's been a lot!

* I got to spend one on one time with a girl from our newlywed's group. It was so great, and it gave me hope that I can actually make friends with people my age outside of the FCC world.

* I got my hair cut, and I use that word loosely. It's still very long, but it is what it is. I used a gift card to get it done. I'll get it really cut when school is out.

* We finally hung pictures up in our house! Yay!! We printed wedding pictures yesterday, and we hung them all up today. They look great!

There have been some hard days leading up to this break, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to decompress and slow the pace down.

I was reading in James 1 last week, and the word 'steadfast' stood out to me. The first part of the chapter has the heading 'Testing of Your Faith.' Verse 3 says that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. Verse 12 says that a man who stays steadfast under trial is called blessed, and he will receive the crown of life when he has stood the test of time. I was journaling about what I perceive to be a lack of steadfastness in my life these past few weeks.

I told Adam about a month ago that I was losing my patience for this season. He kind of just looked at me like, "Do you think you have any control of this?" Obviously, I do not.

Last week I was given a $600 bonus for my team taking 2nd in State. This was completely out of the blue and completely out of character for my school. On Saturday, Adam and I found out that we owe $600 for our taxes. Where I could have taken this opportunity to be grateful for God's provision, instead I let this feel like a punch to the gut. We just can't catch a break.

A few days after that, once I could have an attitude adjustment, I was sharing with the girl from my small group about all of the huge things that keep happening in the area of God meeting our needs. Every step of the way, God has provided and shown Himself faithful. She was in awe. Her and her husband make plenty of money to cover their expenses, but she actually expressed envy over where Adam and I are. That we get to see God show up time and time again. She viewed our situation as freeing. It's all about perspective, right?

We still have plane tickets to buy for 2 weddings that are back to back weekends in June. My car door handle broke (funny story, actually), so we have to roll down the window every time we need to get out of the car. Adam has a suit to buy for the wedding he's in; I have to buy a dress for the wedding I'm in. It all seems unending.

And maybe it is.

Perhaps that's where the steadfastness comes in.

I simply haven't felt like enough... as a teacher, as a wife, and as a daughter-in-law. Our bank accounts aren't "enough" for our expenses. There are days when I'm praying, and it feels empty and void. Or I sit quietly before the Lord with a lack of words to say.

In the midst of these trials, big or small, I'm called to be faithful, steadfast, and unmoving in my faith. I'm supposed to let steadfastness have it's full effect that I may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:4).

I feel like each week God shows off in our lives. Whether it's an extremely fun game night with our small group that meets Adam's social needs or a friend sending a care package filled with my favorite snacks, in the big stuff and the really small stuff, God is showing Himself faithful in our lives. And I need to let the trials produce steadfastness in my life.

In the midst of my lack of steadfastness and my feelings of inadequacy, my eyes have totally been inward instead of looking to Jesus and being fixated on Him.

Someone once told me the story of when she was on a tiny, tiny plane, and she was terrified out of her mind. There was no such thing as a smooth ride in a plane this small, and she was sitting diagonal to the pilot. It was her and her nephew and the pilot. That's it. They had taken off, and she was feeling quite nauseated and quite confident she was going to throw up. The pilot told her, "Just look straight ahead at that huge mountain. If you can keep your eyes focused on an object that's not moving and much larger than you, it will help keep you steady during the flight. Keep looking at that mountain!"

You can't ignore the imagery. If I can keep my eyes focused on my unmovable God, it will steady me in the midst of turbulence.

^" Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, ³ for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ⁴ And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:2-4