So...it's 4:00, and I just got home, and guess who isn't here waiting for me. Yep. Adam. He's at work! He started a job on Monday, and we are in week 1 of what feels like barely seeing each other. But, boy, is my husband happy! Giddy might be the more appropriate word. He takes great delight in saying, "I have to go to work tomorrow!"
With Adam accepting this new job, there's been a sinking realization for me. We're here. We're here in Seattle, and I need to fully live here. We're not going to just jet out of here anytime soon, and there's been a heaviness with this realization.
Side note: Us being in Seattle is good for us and our marriage right now.
Life is moving on back east, as it should, as we knew it would, and I feel left watching my friends and family live as I struggle to figure out what's here for us. I remember this terrorizing fear as I prepared to leave for Thailand. Everyone was going to keep living life without me and when I came back, there would be no place for me. Life and lives would go on, and they would see they were just fine.
I learned there was no reason to be so fearful as my friends and family welcomed me back with great excitement.
But I'm just in this stage of feeling uncertain about it all.
Maybe because I don't know that I'll ever live in Atlanta again. Or maybe because so many of my staff friends are moving on in their lives too, and we have less opportunities to all be together. Or maybe because it doesn't seem like my friends are ever inclined to visit Washington. Reality is this: life is happening for everybody else.
I think the real reason for the uncertainty is that I don't feel so confident that I belong somewhere here. Yes, I have a very time consuming job. Yes, we have a wonderful church. We're in a small group. But some of the pieces of the puzzle seem to be missing. The deep heart connections just aren't here. We're still laying the groundwork for good relationships, and it takes time. When I wanted to cry my eyes out yesterday because I was just so frustrated, poor Adam, floating on cloud 9 from working all day, got to hear me vent about 3 year olds and high school cheerleaders.
The thing is, I know that we're so dearly loved by so many families out here. They have been generous and kind and caring. But it's more than that. It's the being known and having community. Building community is hard work, though.
And there's this thought in the back of my mind that as soon as that community is established, we'll be packing up to go overseas. But I try to quickly silence that.
All this to say, I'm ready to feel like I belong here, that we belong here. Also- the past 11 months of Adam not having a job (ya, he had a part time job for 2 months of that time stretch) has been exhausting!
But just so I can record God's faithfulness yet again, my sweet preschooler from last year and her mom came to my classroom today and said, "Mrs. Tomberlin, please come to lunch with us! We just miss you so much!!" I wanted to hug the mom and silently cry on her shoulder. She just has impeccable timing!
God is faithful to keep all His promises! My kiddos and I say that all the time. I just need to say it with a little more conviction!
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