He Made Us Brave

Well. My littlest boy did not comply with my pleadings when it comes to his birth date, but his story, our story, is worth telling. 

After my 38 week appointment, Adam and I were pretty sure that we would meet Simba before his due date. We were really hoping to make it to April 17th, but we started adjusting our thinking: baby boy could be here any day. 

We. were. wrong. 

I made it to my 39 week appointment. I had made no further progress, and the report from the doctor was a far cry from encouraging. Baby boy wasn't in a good position to get things going, and he looked to be sunny side up. They scheduled me to be induced on Wednesday, April 22nd- 6 days away. So, I still had time to do this on my own, but I would have this baby by the end of the day on the 22nd. 

With each passing day, I dreaded the induction. I knew being on pitocin would increase my chances of hemorrhaging again. Adam and I went back and forth as to whether I should do it or just keep waiting, but the waiting was draining. We both carried the weight of what could happen this time around. Plus, if baby boy got too much bigger, they were concerned about him getting beneath my pelvic bone, a problem Nolan had. 

Tuesday morning came upon us, and we would be checking into the hospital at 6 that evening. Suffice it to say I was pretty fragile all day. I was wanting to soak up every minute with Nolan, the last day of it just being us, and I also wanted to just get this baby out and know that we both would be okay. Nolan regularly asks me to sing Let It Be Jesus by Christy Nockels before his naps. As I held him  and sang, that sweet boy fell asleep in my arms, and I pretty much lost it. 

I felt so confident that God was reliable, trustworthy, and so much bigger than my fears but in those moments I just wanted to hold my little boy forever. 

When Adam and I arrived at the hospital I had the attitude of- let's get this over with! We walked into our labor and delivery room and immediately I felt the urge to run. We both commented that just being in the room made our anxiety spike. It was an entirely different room, different hospital, different state for crying out loud, but it felt all too familiar. 

We found out within an hour that I wouldn't be able to get on the first medication because I was too far dilated, so we would spend the night in the hospital for no reason. Wanna talk about a restless night's sleep? That was it. 
I asked Adam to get in bed with me for a little bit to watch Netflix just so I could be near him.

At 5:00 am, the pitocin was started, and the nurse came in every 15 minutes to increase the flow. I had pretty much decided that I would be getting an epidural with an induction because of my nerves and my inability to labor like I'd want to due to being attached to the baby monitor and the IV pole. Contractions started pretty quickly, but they weren't bad for the first couple of hours. I eventually got up out of bed to stand and walk a little bit, and before I knew it, the doctor came in to break my water. 

I knew this would likely increase the intensity of labor, but I didn't want to get the epidural too quickly into the process in case this turned into a crazy long labor session. I moved to the rocker, and Adam and I watched Friends on the iPad. I rocked through contractions, and they began to pick up in frequency, duration, and intensity. I didn't know how quickly I was progressing, but I went ahead and asked for the epidural. 

By the time the doctor gave me the epidural, and my nurse checked me, I was at 7cm dilated and labor was moving quickly. 

At 11 the nurse thought I was probably close to fully dilated and went to tell the doctor that I'd be ready to push soon. 

At this point, I asked Adam to play You Make Me Brave by Bethel, the song we'd been playing quite frequently in the last few weeks as we thought about this very moment we were about to face. I was laying in the hospital bed, hooked up to oxygen because they felt like the baby was under stress. I cried silent tears as I chose to fully trust God and be wholly surrendered to Him in this. 

At 11:45 the doctor finally came back in, and I knew I was ready to push because of the pressure I was feeling. They set everything up, and at 11:55, we began the pushing process. Adam had been pacing in anticipation of this, but he got into position to help me bring this boy into the world. 

It only took 20 minutes to push Isaac out, and it was the most peaceful 20 minutes of the entire time. The doctor and nurse were so calm, laid back, and gently talked me through each contraction. I couldn't believe it. The environment was so drastically different from Nolan's. When Dr. Godwin said, "He's 25% out. You'll get him on the next set." I responded with, "Seriously?!" I couldn't believe it. 

Sure enough on the next set, Isaac was placed on me and then quickly whisked away to clean him up. 

I was so relieved to have pushed Isaac out without complication and without 3 hours having passed!!! 

But neither one of us could fully enjoy that baby until we knew the next moments would also be covered in peace. I delivered the placenta, and I prayed. I prayed that my body would do what it was supposed to. I prayed that the peace that was so present for delivery would stay. I prayed that we'd be brave. 

And nothing happened.

I was fine. 

They brought me Isaac for skin on skin time, and I cried out of relief. My baby boy was here. We were both fine. 

The name Isaac means laughter. One of the things I had started claiming for this delivery is that Adam and I would be able to laugh, not necessarily in the midst of it, but after. That we'd laugh with joy at the faithfulness of God and the ways our anxiety was so unnecessary. And laugh we have! 

When we left the hospital on Friday, Adam asked me to play You Make Me Brave. And as that song filled our car with our sleeping boy in the backseat, I again cried. It was really over. We were on our way to be with Nolan, and God had answered our pleas. I was so grateful for the ways God loved me through this process AND gave us the cutie Isaac- healthy and whole. 

Time is Ticking. Right?

I'm 39 weeks pregnant, and these are my struggles.

:: I typically eat at least 1 salad a day for a meal. I honestly can't remember a time in my life when I've eaten so much lettuce. But lately (the last 4 days) I find myself thinking, "Is this really the last meal I want to eat before I go into labor? Would something with a little more substance sustain me better?" This can be a dangerous way of thinking. The salads have continued. 

:: Each night I lay in bed and hope that I sleep good (which is close to impossible at this point in pregnancy) AND that labor doesn't start before a reasonable time in the morning. Who wants to start the sleep deprived season that is having a newborn with a sleep deprived labor session? Not me. 

:: When I pep talk myself by saying so many women have shorter labors the second time around, the not so optimistic part of me quickly does the math. If my labor is cut in half from what I did with Nolan, that's still 36 hours. The pushing would be 1.5 hours. I'm gonna need more than a 50% cut!!! 

:: Adam usually does Nolan's bedtime routine. In the past when Nolan would plead for me, my general feelings would be- Tough Tacos. But now. If Nolan pleads for me, I melt like a stick of butter in the middle of July. Because I know everything's about to change, and I'm holding my baby a little tighter these days. 

:: I'm doing laundry way more frequently than normal or necessary. Because for all I know, I'm going to have a baby and end up coming home to a mountain of laundry. No one wants that. Plus, there are only a handful of items I semi enjoy wearing at this point. So, I wash. A lot. 

:: The desire to not cook right now is so strong. And honestly, I don't think it's the actual cooking part. Well, it's part of it. It's also the brain powers necessary to plan a dinner to cook. It's hard, man. The grocery list took me so long to make last week. I can only imagine what will happen this week. I personally am not above Chick-fil-a every day.

:: Even though I did a 72 hour labor session with Nolan, I'm still nervous about the contractions. I think I was in a better place mentally to handle contractions with Nolan because I was so set on delivering naturally. While that is my desire with this one, what I really, really, really want is a smooth delivery that doesn't end in chaos and hemorrhaging. If that includes an epidural, I don't see myself being all that disappointed in myself. 

:: My motivation for getting through labor-- a fresh Jimmy John's sub. I want it bad. 

These are my 39 week pregnant struggles. My biggest question is this: will I have 40 week pregnant struggles? 

Toddler Lessons

I know Nolan really well at this point. Granted, he's a toddler, so his emotions, actions, and reactions are absolutely unpredictable at any given moment. But I know his heart. I know what he loves, what he doesn't love. But of course I do, we spend all day, everyday together. 

So, when I tell Nolan, "Buddy, Mommy is going to go to the bathroom," I know he's going to immediately whine until I say, "You can come with me!" And he always does. [Yes, I have an audience all.the.time.]

It unfolds the same when I need to get ready in the morning. I'll tell Nolan that I'm going to go to my room, but that he's welcome to come with me. 

And he always does.

Nolan is enthralled with playing with cars right now. He loves them. It's often the first thing he wants to do when he wakes up. It's something he plays with that doesn't require a playmate or assistance or intervention at all. He loves his cars. 

Earlier this week, he was completely lost in playing with his cars, and I let him know that I was going to get dressed. He looked at his cars and back at me as if picking between the options was difficult. But he hopped right up and followed me into my room. 

Over the course of the next few minutes I picked out clothes (which is just annoying at this point in pregnancy), got dressed, brushed my teeth, etc. I noticed Nolan was running to the family room, grabbing a car or 2 and bringing them back to my room. He'd come check on me in the bathroom, just to see what I was doing. Go grab a car. Play with the cars. And this continued.

As I peeked at my little boy at one point, I realized something. Nolan just likes to be near me. He was perfectly content playing with his cars on my dresser. I wasn't playing with him. We weren't talking. He just likes to be near me. Every once in a while he would call out, "Mommy!" But that child loves a good roll call. 

And man, right in that moment, I knew that I wanted my heart to yearn to be with my Father like that. The days are crazy (and about to get crazier), but I want to want to just dwell with my Creator- in the quiet and in the chaos. The ease Nolan feels by just being in the same room as me is remarkable. When I tell him I'm going to another room, his natural inclination is to follow me, simply to be with me. 

I've found a lot of verses in the Psalms to arm myself with against anxiety. A very common word in my arsenal of verses is refuge. I've been drawn to those verses because of the image it conjures in my mind. I'm not sure refuge is the best word to describe how Nolan feels around me, but I do know that I'm his safest place. Nolan certainly likes to be around me when he feels insecure, but even when he's at home, he enjoys the calm of my presence. 

And I can't help but see that it's because of the day in and day out of our relationship that it's so easy for him to lean in to me and find security in the unsettling moments he faces. 

As I prepare to birth this baby (in less than 2 weeks please, Jesus), I know I'm going to want to take refuge in the Lord- in His strength and His protection. But perhaps the discipline of taking refuge in Him and just being with Him in the ordinary days is what will make the hard days more manageable. It's what will make leaning into Him during labor and delivery feel natural and safe. 

My sweet boy is teaching me how to just be. 
And a lot of days he's also teaching me patience. :) 

"from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy." Psalm 61:2-3