So, when I tell Nolan, "Buddy, Mommy is going to go to the bathroom," I know he's going to immediately whine until I say, "You can come with me!" And he always does. [Yes, I have an audience all.the.time.]
It unfolds the same when I need to get ready in the morning. I'll tell Nolan that I'm going to go to my room, but that he's welcome to come with me.
And he always does.
Nolan is enthralled with playing with cars right now. He loves them. It's often the first thing he wants to do when he wakes up. It's something he plays with that doesn't require a playmate or assistance or intervention at all. He loves his cars.
Earlier this week, he was completely lost in playing with his cars, and I let him know that I was going to get dressed. He looked at his cars and back at me as if picking between the options was difficult. But he hopped right up and followed me into my room.
Over the course of the next few minutes I picked out clothes (which is just annoying at this point in pregnancy), got dressed, brushed my teeth, etc. I noticed Nolan was running to the family room, grabbing a car or 2 and bringing them back to my room. He'd come check on me in the bathroom, just to see what I was doing. Go grab a car. Play with the cars. And this continued.
As I peeked at my little boy at one point, I realized something. Nolan just likes to be near me. He was perfectly content playing with his cars on my dresser. I wasn't playing with him. We weren't talking. He just likes to be near me. Every once in a while he would call out, "Mommy!" But that child loves a good roll call.
And man, right in that moment, I knew that I wanted my heart to yearn to be with my Father like that. The days are crazy (and about to get crazier), but I want to want to just dwell with my Creator- in the quiet and in the chaos. The ease Nolan feels by just being in the same room as me is remarkable. When I tell him I'm going to another room, his natural inclination is to follow me, simply to be with me.
I've found a lot of verses in the Psalms to arm myself with against anxiety. A very common word in my arsenal of verses is refuge. I've been drawn to those verses because of the image it conjures in my mind. I'm not sure refuge is the best word to describe how Nolan feels around me, but I do know that I'm his safest place. Nolan certainly likes to be around me when he feels insecure, but even when he's at home, he enjoys the calm of my presence.
And I can't help but see that it's because of the day in and day out of our relationship that it's so easy for him to lean in to me and find security in the unsettling moments he faces.
As I prepare to birth this baby (in less than 2 weeks please, Jesus), I know I'm going to want to take refuge in the Lord- in His strength and His protection. But perhaps the discipline of taking refuge in Him and just being with Him in the ordinary days is what will make the hard days more manageable. It's what will make leaning into Him during labor and delivery feel natural and safe.
My sweet boy is teaching me how to just be.
And a lot of days he's also teaching me patience. :)
"from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy." Psalm 61:2-3
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