He Made Us Brave

Well. My littlest boy did not comply with my pleadings when it comes to his birth date, but his story, our story, is worth telling. 

After my 38 week appointment, Adam and I were pretty sure that we would meet Simba before his due date. We were really hoping to make it to April 17th, but we started adjusting our thinking: baby boy could be here any day. 

We. were. wrong. 

I made it to my 39 week appointment. I had made no further progress, and the report from the doctor was a far cry from encouraging. Baby boy wasn't in a good position to get things going, and he looked to be sunny side up. They scheduled me to be induced on Wednesday, April 22nd- 6 days away. So, I still had time to do this on my own, but I would have this baby by the end of the day on the 22nd. 

With each passing day, I dreaded the induction. I knew being on pitocin would increase my chances of hemorrhaging again. Adam and I went back and forth as to whether I should do it or just keep waiting, but the waiting was draining. We both carried the weight of what could happen this time around. Plus, if baby boy got too much bigger, they were concerned about him getting beneath my pelvic bone, a problem Nolan had. 

Tuesday morning came upon us, and we would be checking into the hospital at 6 that evening. Suffice it to say I was pretty fragile all day. I was wanting to soak up every minute with Nolan, the last day of it just being us, and I also wanted to just get this baby out and know that we both would be okay. Nolan regularly asks me to sing Let It Be Jesus by Christy Nockels before his naps. As I held him  and sang, that sweet boy fell asleep in my arms, and I pretty much lost it. 

I felt so confident that God was reliable, trustworthy, and so much bigger than my fears but in those moments I just wanted to hold my little boy forever. 

When Adam and I arrived at the hospital I had the attitude of- let's get this over with! We walked into our labor and delivery room and immediately I felt the urge to run. We both commented that just being in the room made our anxiety spike. It was an entirely different room, different hospital, different state for crying out loud, but it felt all too familiar. 

We found out within an hour that I wouldn't be able to get on the first medication because I was too far dilated, so we would spend the night in the hospital for no reason. Wanna talk about a restless night's sleep? That was it. 
I asked Adam to get in bed with me for a little bit to watch Netflix just so I could be near him.

At 5:00 am, the pitocin was started, and the nurse came in every 15 minutes to increase the flow. I had pretty much decided that I would be getting an epidural with an induction because of my nerves and my inability to labor like I'd want to due to being attached to the baby monitor and the IV pole. Contractions started pretty quickly, but they weren't bad for the first couple of hours. I eventually got up out of bed to stand and walk a little bit, and before I knew it, the doctor came in to break my water. 

I knew this would likely increase the intensity of labor, but I didn't want to get the epidural too quickly into the process in case this turned into a crazy long labor session. I moved to the rocker, and Adam and I watched Friends on the iPad. I rocked through contractions, and they began to pick up in frequency, duration, and intensity. I didn't know how quickly I was progressing, but I went ahead and asked for the epidural. 

By the time the doctor gave me the epidural, and my nurse checked me, I was at 7cm dilated and labor was moving quickly. 

At 11 the nurse thought I was probably close to fully dilated and went to tell the doctor that I'd be ready to push soon. 

At this point, I asked Adam to play You Make Me Brave by Bethel, the song we'd been playing quite frequently in the last few weeks as we thought about this very moment we were about to face. I was laying in the hospital bed, hooked up to oxygen because they felt like the baby was under stress. I cried silent tears as I chose to fully trust God and be wholly surrendered to Him in this. 

At 11:45 the doctor finally came back in, and I knew I was ready to push because of the pressure I was feeling. They set everything up, and at 11:55, we began the pushing process. Adam had been pacing in anticipation of this, but he got into position to help me bring this boy into the world. 

It only took 20 minutes to push Isaac out, and it was the most peaceful 20 minutes of the entire time. The doctor and nurse were so calm, laid back, and gently talked me through each contraction. I couldn't believe it. The environment was so drastically different from Nolan's. When Dr. Godwin said, "He's 25% out. You'll get him on the next set." I responded with, "Seriously?!" I couldn't believe it. 

Sure enough on the next set, Isaac was placed on me and then quickly whisked away to clean him up. 

I was so relieved to have pushed Isaac out without complication and without 3 hours having passed!!! 

But neither one of us could fully enjoy that baby until we knew the next moments would also be covered in peace. I delivered the placenta, and I prayed. I prayed that my body would do what it was supposed to. I prayed that the peace that was so present for delivery would stay. I prayed that we'd be brave. 

And nothing happened.

I was fine. 

They brought me Isaac for skin on skin time, and I cried out of relief. My baby boy was here. We were both fine. 

The name Isaac means laughter. One of the things I had started claiming for this delivery is that Adam and I would be able to laugh, not necessarily in the midst of it, but after. That we'd laugh with joy at the faithfulness of God and the ways our anxiety was so unnecessary. And laugh we have! 

When we left the hospital on Friday, Adam asked me to play You Make Me Brave. And as that song filled our car with our sleeping boy in the backseat, I again cried. It was really over. We were on our way to be with Nolan, and God had answered our pleas. I was so grateful for the ways God loved me through this process AND gave us the cutie Isaac- healthy and whole.