Dedicated

Being "mommy" around these parts has been a lot harder the last week or so. Nolan has embodied just about every thing you think of when hearing the phrase "terrible twos." Adam was gone for 3 full days last week, and by Wednesday night, my head actually felt heavier than normal from the exhaustion of all that is toddlerhood. Those who parent alone, I salute you. 

I've had some grumpy days myself lately, and I keep trying to take the 2 minutes here and there that I get to myself to really ponder why. Why has this seemed so much harder lately? 

The answer is probably still needing some unpacking, but that's what I'm doing now.

Being mommy to Nolan and Isaac has felt all consuming lately. I'm correcting Nolan what feels like all.day.long. He's yelling, "NO!" at me, refusing to obey, and smirking while doing it all. It feels like we've taken a couple steps backwards in a few areas. And man, do I lose my patience with him. I get frustrated and discouraged with his refusal to eat food that he liked 5 minutes ago or his veerrrrry delayed obedience. Desperate to affirm his good behavior, I've been doing a star chart, so I can celebrate all the good and focus less on the not good. But it's been hard to catch him doing the good stuff when the not good stuff seems to overwhelm our days. 

And what makes all of this hard is that I'm "all in" in this mommy thing. This is how I spend my days- raising these tiny beings with the hopes that they become little boys who become young men who love Jesus. And the very thing that I'm giving my all to seems to be going not well when my toddler is whining at me all the day long. 

One day last week, my parents were over for dinner while Adam was still gone, and Nolan was having an absolute meltdown, refusing to eat. My dad made the comment that they never had one "like this." My brother has made similar comments. And on in the inside I'm thinking, "Probably because you're better at this than I am!!!!" 

See, being mom leaves me (maybe everyone) in a place of vulnerability. It's something I desperately want to get right, yet everyone gets to see when it's going wrong. 

Yesterday we had the opportunity to dedicate our boys at church. We stood before the congregation and said we would do everything we could to disciple our children at home and raise them to love Jesus. The church committed to coming along side of us and pouring into them and helping us point them to Jesus. 

There's so much I want for my children. I want them to be brave and courageous. I want them to be kind and faithful. I want them to be teachable, humble, generous, and honest. But my deepest longing for them is that they would know Jesus. Not know about Him, but that they would know Jesus. That their lives would be forever marked and changed by their relationship with Christ. 

The name Nolan means noble (and champion). We want to speak over him that he is good, virtuous, upright, and righteous because of Jesus in his life. The name Isaac means full of laughter. We want to believe that Isaac will be a joy bringer with his laughter and the laughter he causes. I pray these things over my boys often.

As I stood up before the congregation yesterday and publicly dedicated myself to raising these guys in a way that honors the Lord, the task in front of me felt rather large. It felt big again this morning when Nolan was placed in time out for the 2nd time in a very short time span. But I scooped Nolan up, we sat in the chair, and we invited Jesus into our day. That I would be full of grace and patience. And that Nolan would have a heart of obedience. While I did have to put Nolan back in time out again, I trusted that these long mornings of discipline and correction are part of shaping and guiding Nolan. 

And hey, maybe I'll do better on the second one! :)