Man, it really doesn't seem possible that it's time to think back on another year. My reflections on 2014 seems all too recent for it to be time for a look back on 2015. But, time really is flying. I'm just chugging along day after day, and then BAM! A year is over. It's mind boggling.
These are some of my thoughts (only some of them) on the this past year.
On Being A Mom to 2
It's weird that I started this year pregnant and I'm ending it with an 8 month old crawler and of course the most exuberant 2 year old on this planet. The transition to two was a breeze for me compared to the first baby; it was not a breeze for Nolan. So being the best mom I could to Nolan in that transition was tough. It didn't take too long to settle into a good rhythm as a family of 4.
I did notice I put unnecessary pressure on myself. I would often ask myself in a panic, "Am I loving Isaac as much as I loved Nolan at this stage?" Once I let that ridiculousness go, it was really smooth sailing. The second baby is different. I was way more laid back about stuff. I was confident in what I was doing and how I was doing it.
I do love being a mom, and it is without a doubt the most humbling and refining thing I've ever sunk my entire being into. There are plenty of times I fall short, and I have the personality to really dwell on those times and play them back in my head, but I'm working to retrain my self. To give myself grace and ask Jesus to fill in all the gaps and mold me as I do the best I can on this motherhood journey.
One of my biggest takeaways from this year is that Nolan is absorbing way more than I often realize, especially when it comes to music and screens. I can't believe the stuff Nolan takes as truth because it's in a song. I can't believe how easy it is for him to learn songs! We are already a very minimal screen time kind of family, and I'm sticking to my guns even more so now. Nolan is so influenced by what he sees, and I'm not going to take that lightly.
[I have no judgement for parents who have different screenology for their kids. I don't know your life, and I'm not about to assume I could make better decisions for your family.]
On Being Adam's Wife
Our transition to a family of 3 was really tough on our marriage. The transition to 4 was just the opposite. It really enforced some serious TEAMWORK. Throw in there that Adam started a new job not even 2 months before Isaac came, and we could've had ourselves a nice little disaster. But loving Adam through these changes was easy.
There were still times of frustration, hurt feelings, and utter confusion, but I worked really hard to make sure Adam knew that I was always for him. I want him to feel affirmed, respected, and appreciated when he comes home. I want him to want to come home. Again, I wasn't always successful at this, but I'm learning to manage expectations which helps so much.
I'm so thankful to be married to a man that I so enjoy. And it's been such a delight to watch Adam grow in this new position. I love seeing him trust Jesus more, and I love seeing him enjoy what he's doing. Such a welcomed change of pace!
On Being a Part of a Church
So, the first Sunday of January we tried out a new church, and we never left. We are wrapping up a full year at our church. We're still eager to gain deeper community and see relationships grow and thrive. I've spent the last 5 months heavily involved in the children's ministry and even have myself a part time job there.
While we still have some work to do relationally, it feels so nice to be a part of a local church body. We actually had a pastor come pray over Isaac in the hospital when he was born. People were genuinely excited to see us our first Sunday back after having Isaac. It's nice to be a part of a body like that.
On Living In This Apartment
This has been quite the struggle and roller coaster. We've put an offer on 3 different houses, been under contract for 3 weeks with one of them, and yet we find ourselves still living in this 2 bedroom apartment. And you know, big picture, we don't have much to complain about. But boy are we eager to be in a house that is ours. Eager to have a room for our baby to sleep in instead of the family room. Eager to have space for more people to come and hang out. Eager to have a kitchen without a washer and dryer in it (still weird to me 14 months later).
For a while I rarely invited people over because the space is so limited. But I eventually embraced our life here and stopped being apologetic about where we live. I love opening our home up to people, and I wish I had the opportunity to do this in a house. But I don't right now. So, I keep inviting people into our home to eat around our very cramped table.
The few mom friends I have NEVER bring their kids to play here, and that is very disappointing to me. Because Isaac naps in the morning, we are STUCK. I feel like I'm always the one driving out to them, and it would be so nice to take turns. But I understand (boy do I) that spending a rainy day inside our small apartment doesn't sound fun. But not only are we stuck here often, Nolan is rarely put into a position where he has to share his toys (Hm...maybe that's why he has a hard time with Isaac using his stuff). Anyways, I wish this dynamic was different.
Without doubt, the hardest thing about apartment living right now is that my wild and active 2 year old doesn't have a yard to run free in.
On 2015
This year was a really good year. We got Isaac Dean! I walked through some serious anxiety heading into his birth, and I felt Jesus sustain me through it all. I worked, and I mean really worked, to battle the fear that was suffocating at times. I got to watch my husband start a new relationship with our new son, and I got to watch Nolan's admiration of his Daddy grow right before me. We had a lot of really memorable moments together as a family.
I'm thankful, so very thankful for the life God has given me and for the little people He's entrusted into my care. I so badly want to love them well. I want to love them right to the heart of Jesus. I plead for God to draw my sweet babies to Himself while they are young.
I haven't really thought about 2016 yet. I don't know what my hopes and dreams are for next year. Right now I'm mostly reflective and thankful for the year we're wrapping up.
2015 was good to us except that it passed at lightning speed.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Crazy 8 Months
8 months. Two thirds of his first year--done. Sometimes I'm sad, but he's soooooooooooo much fun. So, that helps.
He still has blue eyes. And I still think that they will change at some point. I know, I know- they are so blue. And they are beautiful. I love them. I just can't believe they will stay. His hair is getting darker, and I think his eyes will follow suit. I'm more than okay with being wrong.
Isaac went to Disney. He loved it. No, not really. He was seriously the BEST baby while we were there. His morning nap was a joke each day, since we were at the parks. And he handled it like a champ. He got a good afternoon nap each day, and once he we got home he went right back to his regular schedule. He's a good boy like that.
Isaac got a cold including some pretty annoying congestion. This led to some hard times with nursing. As in, he started refusing to nurse because he couldn't breathe. So, as predicted, we're done!!! We were completely done about a week after Disney. Thankfully, I still have some breastmilk in the freezer, but my stash is almost gone. For the record, I do NOT miss nursing. I love bottle feeding. And I still snuggle my little man just as much as I did before.
This is one area that I look back on with Nolan and want to change. And what I want to change is the shame and embarrassment I felt from switching to formula. I wish I could tell that Marissa, "You are not a failure! Just because you aren't nursing doesn't make you less than or not enough or a quitter!" Because that's how I felt. You know how I feel now? Just plain happy with my happy baby.
Isaac is going to be such a tough guy because Nolan is SO ROUGH with him. Oh man. I can't count how many times I say each day, "Isaac needs space, buddy!"
This is still the cutest thing ever to me. A side sleeper AND the thumb- it gets me every time. EVERY TIME.
Issac is still taking 2 naps. He gets 4 bottles a day, each of them either 6 or 5 ounces. He gets solids three times a day. He refuses to pick up food and put it in his mouth. He just bangs the tray until all of the food falls off. Now, when he finds a piece of paper or trash or mulch on the floor? That makes it to his mouth no problem. Go figure.
Isaac looks huge, right? I didn't take his 7 month pictures with the bear. But he looks HUGE to me. I mean, his onesie alone is bigger than the bear. Those thighs are the best. I could squeeze them all day.
Isaac is so fun! His personality is coming out so much. He's a speedy crawler! He loves eating. He loves my hair. He laughs at Nolan so much. He super loves his sippy cup but cannot for the life of him get anything out of it. He got his new carseat, and that seems to be helping in the car. I think he can see Nolan better, and he's much more entertained. He did not have said carseat for the road trip to Orlando, and it was a real struggle coming home.
I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's going to be 1 in less than 4 months. I'm enjoying where we are right now, and I'm kissing those cheeks and squeezing those thighs! Oh, I love this baby!!
He still has blue eyes. And I still think that they will change at some point. I know, I know- they are so blue. And they are beautiful. I love them. I just can't believe they will stay. His hair is getting darker, and I think his eyes will follow suit. I'm more than okay with being wrong.
Isaac went to Disney. He loved it. No, not really. He was seriously the BEST baby while we were there. His morning nap was a joke each day, since we were at the parks. And he handled it like a champ. He got a good afternoon nap each day, and once he we got home he went right back to his regular schedule. He's a good boy like that.
Isaac got a cold including some pretty annoying congestion. This led to some hard times with nursing. As in, he started refusing to nurse because he couldn't breathe. So, as predicted, we're done!!! We were completely done about a week after Disney. Thankfully, I still have some breastmilk in the freezer, but my stash is almost gone. For the record, I do NOT miss nursing. I love bottle feeding. And I still snuggle my little man just as much as I did before.
This is one area that I look back on with Nolan and want to change. And what I want to change is the shame and embarrassment I felt from switching to formula. I wish I could tell that Marissa, "You are not a failure! Just because you aren't nursing doesn't make you less than or not enough or a quitter!" Because that's how I felt. You know how I feel now? Just plain happy with my happy baby.
Isaac is going to be such a tough guy because Nolan is SO ROUGH with him. Oh man. I can't count how many times I say each day, "Isaac needs space, buddy!"
This is still the cutest thing ever to me. A side sleeper AND the thumb- it gets me every time. EVERY TIME.
Issac is still taking 2 naps. He gets 4 bottles a day, each of them either 6 or 5 ounces. He gets solids three times a day. He refuses to pick up food and put it in his mouth. He just bangs the tray until all of the food falls off. Now, when he finds a piece of paper or trash or mulch on the floor? That makes it to his mouth no problem. Go figure.
Isaac looks huge, right? I didn't take his 7 month pictures with the bear. But he looks HUGE to me. I mean, his onesie alone is bigger than the bear. Those thighs are the best. I could squeeze them all day.
Isaac is so fun! His personality is coming out so much. He's a speedy crawler! He loves eating. He loves my hair. He laughs at Nolan so much. He super loves his sippy cup but cannot for the life of him get anything out of it. He got his new carseat, and that seems to be helping in the car. I think he can see Nolan better, and he's much more entertained. He did not have said carseat for the road trip to Orlando, and it was a real struggle coming home.
I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's going to be 1 in less than 4 months. I'm enjoying where we are right now, and I'm kissing those cheeks and squeezing those thighs! Oh, I love this baby!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
These Are The Days
My Sweet Boys,
We're living days that you won't remember. And if we're being honest, I'll probably have a hard time remembering them, too. I might not (definitely won't) remember the specifics of each day, but I'm hoping I'll remember how I felt about them. (For the record, I used to have an incredible memory, kiddos, but something about being your mom has changed that.)
There are nights that I lay in bed and think back over our days. I wonder if a different mom would've loved you better or been more patient. I think about the things that made us laugh and sometimes cry. I smile at the dance parties, the books we read 17 times in a row, and the laughing, oh the laughing is the best!
There are days that I really feel like I fail you. That the hugs weren't equal. The smiles weren't plentiful. Or the correction wasn't grace filled. I feel like I need more creativity to make this apartment not feel so small. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to assume everyone else is doing this better.
But on a lot of days, I feel so energized and fulfilled and even confident in this being your Mama thing. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I love spending my time with you. I love being the one to hear new sentences formed, new crawling speeds reached, and new bonds being forged between the two of you. The juggling act is no joke, but it is worth it. You boys are worth it.
Nolan, you are the cutest 2 year old to walk this earth. I absolutely love where you are in your speech development. I say all the time, "I wish I could record Nolan all day, every day." You say the cutest things with the cutest inflections. I often call you our parrot these days. You run so fast with so much enthusiasm. You push me beyond my limits often. But no one dissolves me into a puddle faster than you, my boy, my treasure. You make me laugh until I cry, and you push me to be a better version of myself. I love you forever and ever.
Isaac, there couldn't possibly be a better addition to our family. Something about those baby blues bring me so much joy. I love the way you light up when you see me. You make me feel like the best Mama. You are full of laughter, my sweet boy. You are so happy to explore your world, and I love that about you. When you lay that head of yours on my chest while you suck your thumb, I want to freeze time. You make all of our days better. You are my littlest love, Isaac Dean, and I am so privileged to be your Mama.
Boys, one of my most favorite things about our days right now is watching your relationship develop. Oh, it can be exasperating! Someone is a little more thrilled about their companion than the other. But I pray each night that you guys would be good buddies always. That these early days would be the beginning of a lifelong friendship for you both.
Isaac. Nolan. Some of these days are painfully long. Some of them are so perfect that I want to relive them time and time again. Each new milestone reached reminds me that this season is a quick one. Having two boys reach up for me will not be a problem one day, and I know I'm going to miss it. I'm trying frantically to savor these times because everyone ahead of me tells me to. But reality is, I can't hold every.single.memory. forever. I just can't. No one can. I work very hard to be present in the now, to not worry about what's coming or what's already passed.
I know I won't remember it all, and you won't remember anything at this point. (Sometimes that's totally freeing!!) But like how I'll remember how I felt about these days, one day I hope you remember how you felt. Which I hope is loved, liked, and enjoyed.
Because I love you and enjoy you more than you could possibly know.
I love you, boys. Being your Mama is my greatest joy!
Love,
Mommy
Photo Credit: Becca Stanley
We're living days that you won't remember. And if we're being honest, I'll probably have a hard time remembering them, too. I might not (definitely won't) remember the specifics of each day, but I'm hoping I'll remember how I felt about them. (For the record, I used to have an incredible memory, kiddos, but something about being your mom has changed that.)
There are nights that I lay in bed and think back over our days. I wonder if a different mom would've loved you better or been more patient. I think about the things that made us laugh and sometimes cry. I smile at the dance parties, the books we read 17 times in a row, and the laughing, oh the laughing is the best!
And when I think back over our days, and I cringe at the warp speed in which time is passing, all I'm really hoping for right now is that you know this: you are deeply loved and thoroughly enjoyed. You boys bring so much delight to my days that I have a hard time imagining a better way to spend my time. You don't notice it, but I watch you both when you aren't looking to just relish in each of you being you.
But on a lot of days, I feel so energized and fulfilled and even confident in this being your Mama thing. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I love spending my time with you. I love being the one to hear new sentences formed, new crawling speeds reached, and new bonds being forged between the two of you. The juggling act is no joke, but it is worth it. You boys are worth it.
Isaac, there couldn't possibly be a better addition to our family. Something about those baby blues bring me so much joy. I love the way you light up when you see me. You make me feel like the best Mama. You are full of laughter, my sweet boy. You are so happy to explore your world, and I love that about you. When you lay that head of yours on my chest while you suck your thumb, I want to freeze time. You make all of our days better. You are my littlest love, Isaac Dean, and I am so privileged to be your Mama.
Boys, one of my most favorite things about our days right now is watching your relationship develop. Oh, it can be exasperating! Someone is a little more thrilled about their companion than the other. But I pray each night that you guys would be good buddies always. That these early days would be the beginning of a lifelong friendship for you both.
Isaac. Nolan. Some of these days are painfully long. Some of them are so perfect that I want to relive them time and time again. Each new milestone reached reminds me that this season is a quick one. Having two boys reach up for me will not be a problem one day, and I know I'm going to miss it. I'm trying frantically to savor these times because everyone ahead of me tells me to. But reality is, I can't hold every.single.memory. forever. I just can't. No one can. I work very hard to be present in the now, to not worry about what's coming or what's already passed.
I know I won't remember it all, and you won't remember anything at this point. (Sometimes that's totally freeing!!) But like how I'll remember how I felt about these days, one day I hope you remember how you felt. Which I hope is loved, liked, and enjoyed.
Because I love you and enjoy you more than you could possibly know.
I love you, boys. Being your Mama is my greatest joy!
Love,
Mommy
Photo Credit: Becca Stanley
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