These Are The Days

My Sweet Boys,

We're living days that you won't remember. And if we're being honest, I'll probably have a hard time remembering them, too. I might not (definitely won't) remember the specifics of each day, but I'm hoping I'll remember how I felt about them. (For the record, I used to have an incredible memory, kiddos, but something about being your mom has changed that.)

There are nights that I lay in bed and think back over our days. I wonder if a different mom would've loved you better or been more patient. I think about the things that made us laugh and sometimes cry. I smile at the dance parties, the books we read 17 times in a row, and the laughing, oh the laughing is the best!

And when I think back over our days, and I cringe at the warp speed in which time is passing, all I'm really hoping for right now is that you know this: you are deeply loved and thoroughly enjoyed. You boys bring so much delight to my days that I have a hard time imagining a better way to spend my time. You don't notice it, but I watch you both when you aren't looking to just relish in each of you being you. 

There are days that I really feel like I fail you. That the hugs weren't equal. The smiles weren't plentiful. Or the correction wasn't grace filled. I feel like I need more creativity to make this apartment not feel so small. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to assume everyone else is doing this better. 

But on a lot of days, I feel so energized and fulfilled and even confident in this being your Mama thing. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I love spending my time with you. I love being the one to hear new sentences formed, new crawling speeds reached, and new bonds being forged between the two of you. The juggling act is no joke, but it is worth it. You boys are worth it. 

Nolan, you are the cutest 2 year old to walk this earth. I absolutely love where you are in your speech development. I say all the time, "I wish I could record Nolan all day, every day." You say the cutest things with the cutest inflections. I often call you our parrot these days. You run so fast with so much enthusiasm. You push me beyond my limits often. But no one dissolves me into a puddle faster than you, my boy, my treasure. You make me laugh until I cry, and you push me to be a better version of myself. I love you forever and ever. 

Isaac, there couldn't possibly be a better addition to our family. Something about those baby blues bring me so much joy. I love the way you light up when you see me. You make me feel like the best Mama. You are full of laughter, my sweet boy. You are so happy to explore your world, and I love that about you. When you lay that head of yours on my chest while you suck your thumb, I want to freeze time. You make all of our days better. You are my littlest love, Isaac Dean, and I am so privileged to be your Mama. 

Boys, one of my most favorite things about our days right now is watching your relationship develop. Oh, it can be exasperating! Someone is a little more thrilled about their companion than the other. But I pray each night that you guys would be good buddies always. That these early days would be the beginning of a lifelong friendship for you both. 

Isaac. Nolan. Some of these days are painfully long. Some of them are so perfect that I want to relive them time and time again. Each new milestone reached reminds me that this season is a quick one. Having two boys reach up for me will not be a problem one day, and I know I'm going to miss it. I'm trying frantically to savor these times because everyone ahead of me tells me to. But reality is, I can't hold every.single.memory. forever. I just can't. No one can. I work very hard to be present in the now, to not worry about what's coming or what's already passed. 

I know I won't remember it all, and you won't remember anything at this point. (Sometimes that's totally freeing!!) But like how I'll remember how I felt about these days, one day I hope you remember how you felt. Which I hope is loved, liked, and enjoyed. 

Because I love you and enjoy you more than you could possibly know. 

I love you, boys. Being your Mama is my greatest joy!

Love,
Mommy 

Photo Credit: Becca Stanley