To My 7 Year Old

 Oh Isaac,

I sure do love you. I hope you know that in the deepest parts of your heart- that your Daddy and I love you just the way you are. Your blue eyes, REALLY LOUD voice, strong legs, tender heart- it's all part of what we love.

You are so easy to love and enjoy. You do everything to the best of your ability, and you are so tough. You've been trying to keep up with Nolan since you were a baby, and it's really paying off now. I love watching you play sports, and I love your enthusiasm and excitement over whatever you set your mind to. Yet you have a gentleness about you when you are tending to your sister or when you notice that I'm feeling sad. It always melts my heart a little to see that you notice people who are hurting and can be empathetic towards them. 

You are brave and daring and adventurous. And I love that about you. It makes me smile thinking about all of the water slides you did at Great Wolf Lodge. You wanted to do all of the thrill rides, even the ones you weren't quite tall enough for. You went up and down those stairs so many times, we couldn't believe it. You are a beast, Isaac! 

This year you memorized so much Scripture in Mrs. Lassiter's class, and I hope you hold onto it. You proudly taught us the armor of God and repeatedly told us it was to defend against the fiery darts of the enemy. Oh, how I'm praying you will stand firm against all of the fiery darts that will come your way, my man! I love listening to you pray, and I love how firmly you believe God's Word is true. 

I love you, Isaac Dean. When you do great and when you don't. When you are your best self and your worst. I love you and like you and enjoy you and am proud of you. I will always be here cheering you on. Being your mom is one of my greatest joys.

I love you BIG!

Mommy

Isaac Turns 7

 I could gush about this kid for a while. (pictures to be added later)

Isaac stayed at the same school for kindergarten and even got to have the same amazing teachers that Nolan had for kindergarten. He thrived!! He was a natural leader in the class, and his teachers often commented that they never had to redirect Isaac to make better choices. He learned to read and continues to show that he has a math brain with how quickly and easily he's picking up basic concepts. Nolan will be jealous. It was a really special year, and he was quite sad to say goodbye to his teachers and classmates. 

Isaac is a ferocious athlete! His tenacity is going to make him a very desirable player, in my opinion. He tried basketball for the first time, and he crushed it! We had to literally yell to get him to stop shooting and pass the ball. But he made so many dang shots, it was hard to get him to stop. He played spring soccer, and he did so well on the field, too. He just is fearless and attacks. We truly love watching him play sports. 

Isaac continues to be the Tomberlin kid that has a people pleasing streak at home. Nolan absolutely does at school, and so does Isaac. But I can see that Isaac really does want to make us happy and do the right thing at home. He, however, also likes to point out when his siblings are NOT doing the right thing. He is quick to help. Quick to say sorry (usually). Quick to see a need and try to fix it. He's got a tender heart and it shows up at home. Anytime I bake something, which let's be honest- is a lot, he says that he loves it. I'm not always sure that he does, but he knows that I want to hear him say that. 

Isaac will be headed to the same school as Nolan next year, our public school. He's a little nervous about it, but he has the advantage of knowing all of the neighborhood kids. Nolan didn't have that. I'm nervous for this big change for him, knowing that he's sensitive and sweet, but I know that he will adjust. It will be a long day. Isaac typically sleeps more than Nolan, and I imagine the 6:15 wake up call will be brutal on him at first. 

Isaac- 7 years old. He's so easy to love and enjoy, and I'm thankful I get to be his mom and cheer him on as he grows more and more into the person God made him to be. 

Just Keep Swimming

It's laughable to me that I'm here right now. I haven't managed to sit down here for 6 months, so it seems like the obvious time to stop all together. I still haven't done Isaac's birthday posts, and I'm so annoyed about that. It's happening next week! (Now I will feel obligated to follow through on my word) 

Sidenote: I'm also really ready to stop the birthday posts, but I will not let Isaac have fewer than Nolan. See how this is really going to back me into a corner?

I have been struggling for months with no where to go, so this might just be a desperate attempt to get some of it out and move on. 

The pain of 4 miscarriages has dulled but not disappeared, and I feel very much stuck in a place of disappointment and sadness. Or maybe it's just grief. The compounded grief of this is that I'm trying really hard to accept that I won't be birthing any more babies, and that does grieve me. The next layer is that I'm really sad to know that there's four little Tomberlins that aren't here. And yes, I really do know that may sound indulgent. 

My boys have both asked me recently if I would please have another baby, and I have nothing to say in response. I can remember 18 months ago when they were asking if I would have another baby, I was hopeful and foolishly assuming that we certainly would have another baby like we desired. I'd answer with an expectant smile and "I sure hope so," and now I really don't answer. 

At our recent family vacation at the beach, I watched with an ache as my sister had to manage her almost 7 month old baby's schedule. One of the babies I lost would have been just 6 weeks older than him. While I know that a baby that age at the beach makes things more complicated, I really, really wanted that complication. It's the second time my sister has had a baby really close to when I could've had a baby, too. So, I know it stings at first, but it does get better.

I still meet with the ladies I have been meeting with for 4.5 years now. These friends saw me through some dark, dark days my first round of consecutive miscarriages. This second round of consecutive miscarriages has been a lot different. Plus, two of them have had babies this year, and a third is due in September. Two of them didn't even want to have another baby. They needed weeks to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, and it took some time to get excited about another baby being added to their families. It's been painful to sit through their processing and adjusting but share in their joy as they welcome their new babies. I am all the more mindful of women on the heartbreaking journey of infertility. I cannot imagine. Truly cannot imagine. 

The first week of May I was a full week late to start my cycle, and I once again wondered if somehow I was pregnant even though we weren't trying. I refused to take a pregnancy test because I wasn't even going to allow myself the possible excitement. I was working my butt off to become an instructor at the gym I love, so I assumed it was stress. And I found out the day I had my final evaluation (and passed) that I for sure wasn't pregnant. Mother's Day was 3 days later. And my friend's baby died that weekend. I gave myself a pass and didn't go to church that Sunday morning. 

A few weeks ago, while Adam was already in Florida for work, I was at church alone. The kids were all in their classes, and for no obvious reason at all, I became completely undone at church during worship. Just a torrent of tears that I couldn't stop. I continued to silently cry through most of the sermon and on into communion and the songs after that. It was hard. And I realized in those 90 minutes, there was not one person at the church who cared enough to come up to me because we are still so unknown there. And that's a lonely feeling. 

One of the hardest parts about all of this loss and loneliness is the really negative self talk that comes and goes as I wrestle through all of this. The guilt and shame. Every time I react in anger to the wonderfully healthy children I do have, I quickly point out to myself that I clearly don't deserve more kids. When my friends who didn't want more kids have more kids effortlessly, I can easily point to the fact that they have been faithful with what God has given them, so He gave them more; I clearly have not. When my kids are driving me crazy with their bickering, I'm not grateful enough for what so many couples desperately want. 

I put all of this down to say- I haven't been doing great. I'm supposed to start getting counseling in September. But I trust that I'm going to look back here in a year, maybe sooner, and I'll be able to see all that God has done. I hope there's some healing in the weeks to come. I have tried to be very mindful and present in these summer days with my kids at these exact ages. I won't get this chance again. 

Looking Back on 2021

 I can't express how disappointing it is to me that I'm writing this after the new year. Almost so disappointing that I wasn't going to write it at all, but I really do love going back and reading these. Also, why does all reflecting have to stop on January 1? That's not a rule I'm accepting any longer. 

We made a pretty quick change in plans right before Christmas that we would spend December 29-January 2 at the lake. I intentionally didn't bring my laptop, so I wouldn't have the distraction of it. But that also meant I couldn't write this. It makes me giggle to think about how thrown off I was coming home on January 2. I felt behind already, and I seriously felt like any intentional goal planning for the year was lost. It couldn't happen. The New Year came, and I wasn't ready. And honestly, I still haven't sunk the time I wanted to in really reflecting and also looking forward. Alas, here I go looking back. 

COVID

Guess what. Covid didn't go away. At all. Yes, the summer was a little more normal, but Covid still ran rampant, and it caused more and more division among everyone because a vaccine was made available. Before we were arguing over masks, and then it was the vaccine. It was exhausting. Covid still meant no parents at either of the boys' schools. Plans changing or being canceled. Tests, tests, and more tests. Comparing my mental health in 2020 to 2021, I can see that I did adapt to the stress Covid put on me. We still look back on lockdown fondly; Adam has said many times he would take another round of lockdown. But, for the most part, 2021 held a lot more normalcy for us.

LIGHTHOUSE

I continue to love this organization, and I'm so glad Adam works for them. For the first time, a family member came to serve with us on a Lighthouse trip. Adam's sister came to family partner with me over the summer, and it meant so much to me to have someone come see our Lighthouse world. The kids and I were family partners twice this retreat season, and it was really, really impactful to do that again. I hadn't done it since our very first retreat in the spring of 2017. Isaac wasn't even 2. This time, Elliana wasn't even 2. Oh my gosh, it's so much work. And also so worth it. Having Adam's sister with us was a gift, and thankfully, she had a great week, too. 

Anniversary Trip

This was hands down one of the highest of highs from my year. Adam and I went back to Washington for 5 nights to do some new exploring and also go to all of our favorites from when we lived there. Getting there, like actually getting on the plane, was truly awful. I cried buckets of tears in the week leading up to leaving. BUCKETS. I was really anxious about flying. I was really anxious about leaving Elliana. A lot of anxiety. A lot of fear. A lot. But I am so glad I could get myself on that plan to go. Adam told me the day before we left that we could change our plans, so I didn't have to fly. But I knew I needed to do it. The time with Adam did wonders for my soul and my heart. Hiking in such outrageously beautiful spaces breathed life into me. Sitting here thinking about that trip, it's giving me all the feels. I hate that Washington is so stinking far away and so expensive because I really do love it there so much. For a vacation. 

It's also worth noting (for me) that God really has done a remarkable work in our marriage. In 2017, when we started fostering, that was the beginning of some hard years. With 2019 being the hardest year of my life to date. Now, that was the year Elliana was born, and I cannot fathom how I would have managed that year without the burst of joy she is. At the end of 2019, Adam and I were meeting with our marriage counselors, and I told them that when our anniversary had come around just a couple weeks prior, I looked at Adam and asked, "What are we celebrating? That we made it? We didn't quit?" Things were not great. We kept fighting, working, pushing through our stuff, and it's amazing (and a relief) to see the healing God has done.

Church

This continues to be a very hard thing for us. Church in the pandemic was tough. Is tough. We have been calling this certain church our church for almost 2 years now, which is just laughable. We are not plugged in. We only know a few people. We aren't serving. We question whether we really want to belong to this church almost every time we go. We really haven't felt that sense of belonging at a church since we left the church we loved almost 4 years ago!! That's a long time. And it's really tiring. 

 Loss

To be honest, when I look back on 2021, I think about a lot more grief. I had two more miscarriages this year, and they were really, really hard. With the joy and delight of Elliana being really fresh (as in, we were completely mush about her still), losing babies felt really painful. We experienced the gift of Elliana and all that she did for her family, so we could picture and feel all that we were losing with the loss of those lives. The second one this year, fourth one all together, felt especially life sucking because it came with the dread that maybe there were no more babies for us. I also made the decision not to tell anyone other than Adam for almost a month. I was really not doing well, and I was nervous that I would tell people and their lack of concern/compassion would be even more painful. I feared a fourth miscarriage would be like background noise, and I was hurting too much to feel that on top of it. In some ways, I was right. 

Miscarriage has been really lonely. I think about them every single day. And no one ever asks me how I'm doing. It's an unfortunate accompaniment of miscarriage- the fact that people don't know the "right" thing to say, so nothing is said at all. But it also makes me wonder- am I crazy? Am I crazy that this is sad and hard? 

One of the many ways miscarriage has changed me is that I see (I think I do) other people's hurts or unfulfilled longings a little more easily with a lot more compassion. The ladies I know who long to be married. The woman desperately wanting her first child. Marriages that unravel and families that break apart. I'd like to think God has used these losses in my life to help me see other people a little better. 

Twisted Cycle

For the first time ever, I paid to be a part of a gym. I took a free week of classes back in early August, and I loved them so much. So much! Adam agreed that it would be money worth spending because of how much I enjoyed it. So, I paid to be able to go 8 times a month. And now, I'm working the childcare room twice a week to get a free membership. I know this seems like a really insignificant part to mention. But it's been such a good thing for me. I love both the competition and community it provides. Adam came with me the day after Thanksgiving, and he did NOT get hooked like I did. He called it torture. 

2021 held a lot of good, a lot of hard, and a lot in between. I'm grateful for the health of my family, immediate and at large. I haven't quite gotten to the goal planning for 2022, and I actually think I want to sit in the looking back a little longer.