It's laughable to me that I'm here right now. I haven't managed to sit down here for 6 months, so it seems like the obvious time to stop all together. I still haven't done Isaac's birthday posts, and I'm so annoyed about that. It's happening next week! (Now I will feel obligated to follow through on my word)
Sidenote: I'm also really ready to stop the birthday posts, but I will not let Isaac have fewer than Nolan. See how this is really going to back me into a corner?
I have been struggling for months with no where to go, so this might just be a desperate attempt to get some of it out and move on.
The pain of 4 miscarriages has dulled but not disappeared, and I feel very much stuck in a place of disappointment and sadness. Or maybe it's just grief. The compounded grief of this is that I'm trying really hard to accept that I won't be birthing any more babies, and that does grieve me. The next layer is that I'm really sad to know that there's four little Tomberlins that aren't here. And yes, I really do know that may sound indulgent.
My boys have both asked me recently if I would please have another baby, and I have nothing to say in response. I can remember 18 months ago when they were asking if I would have another baby, I was hopeful and foolishly assuming that we certainly would have another baby like we desired. I'd answer with an expectant smile and "I sure hope so," and now I really don't answer.
At our recent family vacation at the beach, I watched with an ache as my sister had to manage her almost 7 month old baby's schedule. One of the babies I lost would have been just 6 weeks older than him. While I know that a baby that age at the beach makes things more complicated, I really, really wanted that complication. It's the second time my sister has had a baby really close to when I could've had a baby, too. So, I know it stings at first, but it does get better.
I still meet with the ladies I have been meeting with for 4.5 years now. These friends saw me through some dark, dark days my first round of consecutive miscarriages. This second round of consecutive miscarriages has been a lot different. Plus, two of them have had babies this year, and a third is due in September. Two of them didn't even want to have another baby. They needed weeks to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, and it took some time to get excited about another baby being added to their families. It's been painful to sit through their processing and adjusting but share in their joy as they welcome their new babies. I am all the more mindful of women on the heartbreaking journey of infertility. I cannot imagine. Truly cannot imagine.
The first week of May I was a full week late to start my cycle, and I once again wondered if somehow I was pregnant even though we weren't trying. I refused to take a pregnancy test because I wasn't even going to allow myself the possible excitement. I was working my butt off to become an instructor at the gym I love, so I assumed it was stress. And I found out the day I had my final evaluation (and passed) that I for sure wasn't pregnant. Mother's Day was 3 days later. And my friend's baby died that weekend. I gave myself a pass and didn't go to church that Sunday morning.
A few weeks ago, while Adam was already in Florida for work, I was at church alone. The kids were all in their classes, and for no obvious reason at all, I became completely undone at church during worship. Just a torrent of tears that I couldn't stop. I continued to silently cry through most of the sermon and on into communion and the songs after that. It was hard. And I realized in those 90 minutes, there was not one person at the church who cared enough to come up to me because we are still so unknown there. And that's a lonely feeling.
One of the hardest parts about all of this loss and loneliness is the really negative self talk that comes and goes as I wrestle through all of this. The guilt and shame. Every time I react in anger to the wonderfully healthy children I do have, I quickly point out to myself that I clearly don't deserve more kids. When my friends who didn't want more kids have more kids effortlessly, I can easily point to the fact that they have been faithful with what God has given them, so He gave them more; I clearly have not. When my kids are driving me crazy with their bickering, I'm not grateful enough for what so many couples desperately want.
I put all of this down to say- I haven't been doing great. I'm supposed to start getting counseling in September. But I trust that I'm going to look back here in a year, maybe sooner, and I'll be able to see all that God has done. I hope there's some healing in the weeks to come. I have tried to be very mindful and present in these summer days with my kids at these exact ages. I won't get this chance again.
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