Looking Back at 2020

It's hard to even put enough words together to form a post, hence nothing since Elliana's birthday. And honestly, I think 2020 is such a unique year, that reflecting back on it feels odd. Because in some ways, it feels like we are still living the bad stuff of 2020. Covid is not gone, racial injustice still runs rampant, and the most polarizing election of my life still feels unresolved. I am still hearing political campaigns on the radio, and I'm just so over it. But alas. 

I'm going to start with the most obvious of things...

COVID-19

We are living during a global pandemic. Nine months of this year have been lived under a different kind of stress. I remember in early April, I would have this desperate desire to run away. There was no where to run to. We were under Shelter in Place orders, but I just needed out. I needed to not be around my children every moment of every day. I needed to not have to make any more decisions or wonder about the tiniest of choices if they were jeopardizing our health. I just needed the fatigue of this new stress to relent for an hour. As the weeks marched on, I found myself feeling compelled to disappear less and less. We adapted. We settled in. I found myself relieved on Saturdays that we weren't managing schedules, figuring out how to not be too busy. We were busy never. I remember playing soccer with the kids in the backyard and just feeling really ok with how life was going. But things still got tough mentally at times. The isolation wore on me. Thoughts were camping out in my head that I knew weren't good, but I wasn't sure if they were true or not. And to have to spend anymore mental energy than already necessary sifting through and dwelling on the validity of them felt so taxing. 

But we did have a lot of family time. Adam got to see Elliana more than either of the boys in the first year of life, and that was really sweet. I baked so much! SO MUCH! We walked our neighborhood so many times. Adam's boss gave us their old trampoline, and it pretty much saved us this year. There was a lot of good that came out of COVID. But I am still so ready to see it go!! 

CHURCH

This will be quick. Church has been one of the harder parts of the pandemic. We switched churches right before this hit, and so no one knows us. We know close to no one. It has been hard. I wasn't sold on the church we were going to, and so it's felt like we've just been drifting and drifting and lost sight of where land is. It's really been since we left the church that had a dramatic split that we've been involved and immersed in a church body. And man, I'm weary. We'll find out our church's plan for meeting in 2021, but it all feels daunting. Like really? We're going to establish community at this church in the middle of a pandemic? 

COACHING

I made the difficult decision to coach this year, even though we are living through a pandemic. It was a calculated risk that having this small outlet was going to outweigh the potential harm. This year I coached middle school, and I enjoyed it so much more than last year. Middle school is ROUGH, and I still find that age group more challenging than high school to coach. But I enjoyed the girls. I enjoyed thinking about something other than what happens at home and the chaos of the world. It absolutely added stress to my life and the whole family, realistically. There were plenty of days I asked myself why I was doing this. But now that my season has been over for almost a month, I'm glad I did it. I really loved and mostly enjoyed the girls. They got first place at both of their competitions, which is shocking they even got to compete during this pandemic. And I'm glad I got to facilitate a little bit of normal for these girls when their worlds have drastically shifted, too. 

FAMILY

Wow, this year really helped me appreciate family more. Not just my 5 person family here in the walls of this house, but the greater scope of our families, too. We are fortunate that we have been able to see our families, which I know a lot of people haven't. In the spring, I was so nervous for both sets of our parents, thinking about how dangerous this virus could be for any of them to contract it. I still get nervous if I think too much about it. But gosh, do we savor family gatherings! My boys were so thrilled when they could hug their grandparents. They were truly giddy when we gathered at the lake with family for the first time. Our beach trip this year didn't have ideal weather, but none of the kids cared because they were together. And I was right there with them. I cherish these people, and I'm so thankful we've stayed healthy. 

Things I'm proud of thinking back on 2020

I nursed Elliana for a full year. And that was hard for me. We found out when she was 6 months old she was allergic to not just peanuts but also milk and egg, the option to switch to formula was no longer an option. And that rainy March day, I realized that I would be breastfeeding until baby girl turned 1. I did it! And I was so happy when it was time to stop! Oddly enough, no one was particularly proud of me for this, but it felt like a huge accomplishment to me. 

I read the entire Bible in 90 days. Some of my friends and I decided to do this together, starting September 1. It was A LOT of reading every day. And the fear of falling behind is honestly what kept me on track. We had a book that provided the reading plan and commentary on each book. We read it chronologically, and it was very interesting. I had never read the Bible that way. I would not recommend the 90 days part, but I absolutely would recommend reading the Bible in chronological order. 

Fun Friday! Oh my word, starting from the first week of shut down, I started this. And it was both awesome and exhausting! I tried to make all school assignments and learning extra fun, we tried a new recipe to bake together, and we got donuts a lot of Friday mornings. The boys truly looked forward to Fun Fridays! And the required a lot of effort on my part. I decided Fun Fridays would stop when summer officially started, though the boys pleaded for them weeks into June. 

I started running in July. I HATED running. It is not an enjoyable way to exercise for me AT ALL. I love strength training! Tell me to squat 100 pounds, and I'm there! Running is just hard for me. And that's why I started back at it. I was mentally not in a great place, and I decided to gamble on running to prove to myself that I can do hard things. It's the last day of the year, and I actually started my workout with a run. Running further and faster than I thought I could proved to be thrilling for me. I did injure my IT band in October, just weeks before I was planning to run a half marathon, and I did in fact cry over this many times. But, I kind of pushed through. I'm still running, but I maybe have accepted that my knee can't handle training the way I was doing it. I'm still figuring it out. 

There's a few other things I could probably really reflect on, but my people are getting pretty rowdy downstairs. 2020. Man. I can so vividly remember being at counseling the first week of January 2020 with Adam, and he was saying with such confidence that this was going to be the Year of the Tomberlins after we had endured a pretty painful 2 years. We laugh about it now. This has certainly been the year of covid, NOT the Tomberlins. But I'm so thankful I've had Adam with me. He's a pretty incredible dad, and I cannot fathom allllllllll of this time at home without a partner who is IN IT with me. 

2020- you were kind of crappy, but you had some treasures for us. And I'll take those treasures and trash the rest! 

To My Daughter

 My Elliana Joy,

I don't even know where to begin. There's so many words that I could say to you as I reflect on your first year of life and ponder all that you are and all that I hope for you. I don't have the raw writing gift that my siblings do to be able to eloquently sum up all the things in a polished little note. And honestly, that feels appropriate. The beauty that you are and the sacredness that this year has been can't fit here. 

You are an immeasurable gift to our family. The little girl we never knew we needed. I was fully prepared and excited to move forward in life with all boys- it felt right and good for our family. But you. You came, and now I can't fathom this family without a little sister. You evoke tenderness from all of us, and we can't help but oh and ah over you. Your daddy and I feel so blessed that we get to have you as our daughter. 

You won't ever be able to fully understand the circumstances in which you came to be, but let me tell you, Boo, we walked through some valleys and darkness and heartache and sorrows that at times felt so overwhelming and consuming. Though we longed to be full of hope week after week after week of you in my belly, our hearts were weary and hesitant. Over and over we asked God for faith in every area we lacked and begged God that His will for us was your LIFE bringing Him glory. We limped towards your arrival last year.

But oh my goodness. Elliana. You were and are so much more than we ever asked for. 

You have filled our lives and our home with such laughter and such delight. There has been no such thing as a small milestone over here. The first smile, the first time you rolled, the first time you babbled, the first time you picked your head up- all of it was met with celebration and thrill. You were the star of the show this year, baby girl. We never tired of you, even for a moment. 

You took the longest to sleep through the night, and I remember telling your dad, "I don't even care." And I meant it. Having your little self settle into its most peaceful state while in my arms, I craved it. 

You, my only daughter, are the most beautiful and precious girl I've ever laid eyes on. I look into your dark brown eyes, trace your soft but full cheeks and marvel at your beauty. I consider it such an honor that you will call me Momma. Elliana, you are a joy I didn't deserve but will for all of my days be so grateful that God entrusted you into our care. 

I love you, Elliana Joy. 

Love,

Momma

Elliana Joy- 12 Months

 My thought has been...if you don't do the 12 months post, then it's like it didn't happen. 

But it DID happen. Elliana turned 1 whole year on August 5th. And what a year it was! The night before both of my other babies turned 1, I held them and cried a little bit. Not this time. I did hold her, and I held her for a while. But there nothing but deep gratitude for her first year. 

Notice the blurry image. I took probably 10 pictures, and she was entirely still for zero of them. This girl is squirmy and busy and has no chill about laying on the floor to take pictures with Minnie. She's right at 20 pounds, and I don't remember how many inches. But her percentage has come down on height and gone up for weight. She's completely "average" by the statistics, and 100% perfect in our eyes. 

My snuggle bug loves to lay her head on soft things. I know I just said she's busy, and she is. But she'll lay her head on soft blankets here and there. Homegirl is still taking 2 naps a day, but I know that will change before I know it. She sleeps close to 12 hours at night, but sometimes she wakes up early to chat and then goes back to sleep. She likes to sleep on her tummy with her arms tucked under her, and her booty slightly in the air. She's the cutest. 

Feeding her still stresses me out. I can realize a little before lunch or dinner that I haven't planned out what she'll eat, and it shoots a little bit of anxiety through me. She likes to eat pasta, bananas, blueberries, avocado, broccoli, pancakes, muffins, ground beef, and then a lot of things are hit or miss. One day she love veggie chili, and then the next time I make it she turns her head. Literally. She just looks away. I was feeling like I at least had a firm grasp on her allergies, and then she started reacting to things that were leaving me clueless. She keeps me on my toes. 

Elliana LOVES to be outside. She'll grunt and move her body towards the door until you take her there. And then she'll cry if you say she can't go outside. She likes to swing and be on the trampoline with the boys. She enjoys looking at birds and LOVES dogs. I think because the boys are outside so much, she just wants to be where they are and not miss out on any fun. 

The boys have not wavered in their affection towards their sister. They continue to adore her and think she's the best baby in the whole wide world. And she loves them, too. She is often blocked from their play space to protect her, but she always is scheming to get where they are. They play sweet and tender, but they also are rough. They drag her by the feet on the trampoline. They head butt her, pretending to be animals. They set up cushions on the floor to push her over. These are the big brothers I want for her. It has filled me beyond measure to watch the boys want to be around her and to see her eyes light up when they walk into a room. When it was Elliana's birthday, and I got Nolan from the bus stop. He hadn't seen in her yet, and he asked excitedly, "Does she look bigger today now that she's one?" It made me smile. 

Elliana Joy Tomberlin- God's answer to our pleading. I am profoundly grateful for her life and the ways she wrecked us with her little tiny self. 

My Nolan

Dear Nolan,

Happy Birthday, Buddy! You are seven years old. We kept joking that we weren't sure we were going to let you have a birthday this year, that we might just have to wait until next year. To which, of course, you were deeply disturbed by and had zero sense of humor about at all. Turns out, we couldn't stop you from turning seven, so I might as well embrace the change. 

Nolan, one of the greatest joys of this past year has definitely been watching you be a big brother to Elliana. You take such delight in her and care for her so well. I think it's highly unusual for a boy your age to be so aware of a baby sibling. You are protective and nurturing, kind and tender. But you are also big time fun for her. She often rewards you with squeals and giggles for all of your nonsense. She lights up when she sees you, and it's precious to watch your relationship with her grow. I hope you always have a special bond with her. I know you will always be important to her, and I hope she's always important to you. 

You showed us you are quite a good student. You have an inclination for reading and memorizing that will hopefully serve you well in the school years to come. Your mind really does seem like its a steel trap. Playing memory with you is so hard!! It's remarkable how good you are at that game! It's also a little infuriating for your brother. 

Bud, it feels like big changes are coming for you this year. I'm not going to sugar coat it: I'm nervous. When I think about all of the things I'm nervous about, it mostly boils down to the fact that I so badly want to protect you. And I know that I can't always do that. But I'm going to work really hard to keep home a place you want to be. A place you look forward to. You'll be going to school all day now, and it feels like the final chapter of the "little years" has closed. And while I love seeing you grow and change and become a bigger version of you, it also feels overwhelming. The job of shepherding you seems to get harder, not easier. I continue to pray that you see God's grace in all of the gaps, all of my shortcomings. 

You are a cool kid, Nolan. You definitely drive me crazy sometimes. You are stubborn and argumentative, but you also have a firm belief in right and wrong. As you get older, I can see how this could be used in so many redemptive ways. Your drive to get things right will serve you well down the road. In the meantime, we battle it out pretty regularly. I wish I was joking. 

I love you, Nolan. You made me a Momma 7 years ago. You are an easy person to celebrate, and I'm so glad you were born.

I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And I'm proud of you. 

Happy Birthday, Noles!

Love,
Mommy 

7 Years Old

I'm not sure how it's possible, but that kid turned 7 years old! Seven! He's got 3 teeth missing, and two that are wiggly. CLEARLY he's a big kid. 

This past year Nolan started and completed kindergarten (though the completion part is a technicality thanks to COVID-19). He had an AMAZING kindergarten teacher! All year long I was so thankful he got to be in her class. She adored Nolan, and he really thrived in her class. He learned to read, and he's pretty good at it. He unfortunately had me as his teacher for the final quarter of school, but we made it through. 

Nolan's big brother skills expanded when Elliana came into the world. And honestly, he's just a really, really good brother to her. He's really good at entertaining her when I need him to, and he dotes on her like she's the cutest thing in the world (she is!!). One time we were at a park, and I laid Elliana on a blanket while I started throwing the football to the boys. Elliana couldn't crawl yet, so she was just on the blanket. A little boy was kind of close to her, and Nolan said with a protective tone to his voice, "Watch out for my sister!" When the little boy was out of ear shot, I told Nolan that I really appreciated his proactive efforts to protect his baby sister. 

Nolan is still very interested in nature and animals. He loves looking at books about animals and watching documentaries. He has spent several hours during quarantine looking for lizards in our backyard. He is very much still fascinated by animals. He really is like a sponge, soaking up all the facts and knowledge he can. 

This past year, Nolan developed a love for fishing. He really, really enjoys all things fishing. He likes talking about the bait he needs to use. He likes telling the same fishing stories over and over. He likes catching worms in the backyard to use as live bait. He has no problems being patient when it comes to this one area of life. He does, however, like to demand silence. It drives him CRAZY when Isaac or his cousins are loud while he's trying to fish. This is something Adam certainly hopes they can do together as the years go by. 

Nolan is seven years old and starting first grade at our local elementary school next week. It doesn't seem possible that this kid is old enough to ride a bus. It feels like this is a big transition year for us as a family, and in so many ways, I don't feel ready. I'm sometimes thankful this pandemic hit when it did because I got to keep my kids home when they were little. Yes, there were PLENTY of times I had to resist the urge to run away, but there were also PLENTY of times that I was very aware that I was given the gift of time. I don't feel cut out to be this kid's teacher at all, so though sending him off to school makes me nervous, I do deep down hope that he's able to keep going to school this fall. Most days I doubt my ability to be a good enough mom for him, but I'm glad we had extra time before he starts what I keep calling "real school." 

Alright, Nolan. 7 years old. Let's do this!

11 Months

Just 6 days late this time. I approve of both the tardiness and the improvement from last month. 

I do feel like this little bean is no longer a tiny peanut. She seemed so petite to me for so long, but really, this girl has some squish on her. I'm sure when I go to the pediatrician next month for her 1 year old (what?) well check, they will tell me she's in the 25th percentile for weight. But whatever. She sure does feel squishy, and I love it. 

Oh my gosh, she is irresistible right now. While showing no signs of walking, she sure does love to stand up all the time. Oddly enough, I have yet to find her standing in her crib, but surely it's coming soon. She does still sleep in a sleep sack, so that might make it to tricky to stand up, but the boys sure did figure it out. I can only assume she will, too. She's also figured out clapping (that was a couple of months ago but worth nothing), saying "buh bye" when it's time to sleep, signing "all done" and "more," and giving kisses. Now, she is quite stingy with the kisses, so you feel really special when she leans in. 

Elliana got to go to the beach for the first time with my side of the family. A full week of a full house and constant people to interact with- she was a fan! She did great by the water, really enjoyed sitting where the water comes up. It was still quite chilly, so we didn't take her out in it. But we were pleased with how content she was to be in the sand. Of course, she ate it some, and turns out, she did NOT like that. 

These two. Elliana doesn't know it, but she basically can do no wrong in her Daddy's eyes right now. Adam often calls her "my princess," and he's super protective of her. Which, he should be, but I'm also all for babies figuring some things out the hard way. Adam always does Elliana's bath if he's home, and he genuinely loves the time with just her. He is an excellent dad to her, and I'm so thankful she has him. 

I just can't put words to what a joy bringer this baby girl is. She is for sure the family favorite (our Tomberlin 5 family, that is). The boys still take such delight in her, and she in them. She is a gift! She still loves dogs, walks outside, watching the boys do pretty much anything, MY HAIR, her pacis, being in the midst of the activity, and being tickled and played rough with. She does not like her eczema that I've never mentioned but is so annoying, bottles (all the eye rolling), not being allowed to go where she wants to go, and honestly, that's pretty much it. She's a dream! 

Oh man, this picture gets me in the feels. Her little hand on my leg, looking up at me as we swing on the porch swing at the lake. Done. Melted. Putty. There are so many things to be said about this girl and the unbelievable gift and blessing she is to me. I can't believe I get to be her mom. I still can't believe sometimes how much she loves me and wants to be with me (I know I experienced this with my boys, but I sure did forget the love of a baby for their Mama). I often wonder if I'm enjoying her more than I did her brothers, but when I go back and read things I wrote about them at this age, I hear the love oozing and dripping with each word then, too. What feels different this time around is how much closer I'm leaning in to the moments. How undeserving I am of this gift of joy and grace, and I cherish her. At night when I'm rocking her before bed, sometimes she will fall asleep with her head on my shoulder, and there are nights I allow myself the luxury of just holding her as long as I want. The weight of her tiny frame relaxed into mine, the rhythmic breathing, the little but firm grip she has on my hair, all of it feels like a gift. Her flapping arms in the morning when I come to get her for the day. The way her face lights up just when I enter the room. Her hurried crawl to get to me. I am so deeply grateful for her life. It's almost been a full year of Elliana Joy. What a healing force she's been in my life! 

10 months SO LATE

I was doing fairly well with these until this one. I'm so late. She's going to be 11 months next Sunday. It will be hard for me to remember what was going on between 9 and 10 months, but I am going to try. My little squishy is still the yummiest, sweetest, most delightful baby. Aboslutely no bias whatsoever. 

Feeding this little one is probably the biggest stressor about her. She reacts to things that I can't always figure out and feeding her often takes so much thought and effort. There is very little convenient food that she can have, but as she gets teeth, that will hopefully change. But she does love avocado, bananas, blueberries, grapes, and beans. I'm wanting to transition her completely to table food, but her diet is limited combined with how frustrating it is to have her break out in hives for eating something that l can't pinpoint. 

This little girl still loves and favors her Mama. Adam will often say, "You know there's two of us that love you!" I don't feel the least bit bad about the favoritism. I feel like I've earned it. 

For Mother's Day, Adam gifted me a photo shoot with one of his coworkers who has a videography business on the side. The above picture is from that shoot. (Photo credit: Katelyn Pike) Things this little beauty loves: going on walks outside, baths, dogs (especially Jax), her brothers' shenanigans, honking her Daddy's nose, and being near her Mama. 

This girl- she's getting so big, and I love every bit of her. I'm so thankful she's in our family. The boys still regularly exclaim, "She's SO CUTE!" or, "I just love her so much!" or, "I want to squeeze her!" Our Elliana Joy Joy as we often call her truly is a joy to this family. Right now, I'm loving everything about this stage, and some nights I get a twinge of disappointment that the day is over and Elliana will be a little older. I have not grieved her growth at all this past year. I've been thankful for her life and her health and just her being here with us. But there's a little bit of sadness creeping in lately. Mostly because I know the thief that time is, and I can feel time moving too quickly. 

Oh, Elliana. I'll always love you, baby girl.