Looking Back on 2021

 I can't express how disappointing it is to me that I'm writing this after the new year. Almost so disappointing that I wasn't going to write it at all, but I really do love going back and reading these. Also, why does all reflecting have to stop on January 1? That's not a rule I'm accepting any longer. 

We made a pretty quick change in plans right before Christmas that we would spend December 29-January 2 at the lake. I intentionally didn't bring my laptop, so I wouldn't have the distraction of it. But that also meant I couldn't write this. It makes me giggle to think about how thrown off I was coming home on January 2. I felt behind already, and I seriously felt like any intentional goal planning for the year was lost. It couldn't happen. The New Year came, and I wasn't ready. And honestly, I still haven't sunk the time I wanted to in really reflecting and also looking forward. Alas, here I go looking back. 

COVID

Guess what. Covid didn't go away. At all. Yes, the summer was a little more normal, but Covid still ran rampant, and it caused more and more division among everyone because a vaccine was made available. Before we were arguing over masks, and then it was the vaccine. It was exhausting. Covid still meant no parents at either of the boys' schools. Plans changing or being canceled. Tests, tests, and more tests. Comparing my mental health in 2020 to 2021, I can see that I did adapt to the stress Covid put on me. We still look back on lockdown fondly; Adam has said many times he would take another round of lockdown. But, for the most part, 2021 held a lot more normalcy for us.

LIGHTHOUSE

I continue to love this organization, and I'm so glad Adam works for them. For the first time, a family member came to serve with us on a Lighthouse trip. Adam's sister came to family partner with me over the summer, and it meant so much to me to have someone come see our Lighthouse world. The kids and I were family partners twice this retreat season, and it was really, really impactful to do that again. I hadn't done it since our very first retreat in the spring of 2017. Isaac wasn't even 2. This time, Elliana wasn't even 2. Oh my gosh, it's so much work. And also so worth it. Having Adam's sister with us was a gift, and thankfully, she had a great week, too. 

Anniversary Trip

This was hands down one of the highest of highs from my year. Adam and I went back to Washington for 5 nights to do some new exploring and also go to all of our favorites from when we lived there. Getting there, like actually getting on the plane, was truly awful. I cried buckets of tears in the week leading up to leaving. BUCKETS. I was really anxious about flying. I was really anxious about leaving Elliana. A lot of anxiety. A lot of fear. A lot. But I am so glad I could get myself on that plan to go. Adam told me the day before we left that we could change our plans, so I didn't have to fly. But I knew I needed to do it. The time with Adam did wonders for my soul and my heart. Hiking in such outrageously beautiful spaces breathed life into me. Sitting here thinking about that trip, it's giving me all the feels. I hate that Washington is so stinking far away and so expensive because I really do love it there so much. For a vacation. 

It's also worth noting (for me) that God really has done a remarkable work in our marriage. In 2017, when we started fostering, that was the beginning of some hard years. With 2019 being the hardest year of my life to date. Now, that was the year Elliana was born, and I cannot fathom how I would have managed that year without the burst of joy she is. At the end of 2019, Adam and I were meeting with our marriage counselors, and I told them that when our anniversary had come around just a couple weeks prior, I looked at Adam and asked, "What are we celebrating? That we made it? We didn't quit?" Things were not great. We kept fighting, working, pushing through our stuff, and it's amazing (and a relief) to see the healing God has done.

Church

This continues to be a very hard thing for us. Church in the pandemic was tough. Is tough. We have been calling this certain church our church for almost 2 years now, which is just laughable. We are not plugged in. We only know a few people. We aren't serving. We question whether we really want to belong to this church almost every time we go. We really haven't felt that sense of belonging at a church since we left the church we loved almost 4 years ago!! That's a long time. And it's really tiring. 

 Loss

To be honest, when I look back on 2021, I think about a lot more grief. I had two more miscarriages this year, and they were really, really hard. With the joy and delight of Elliana being really fresh (as in, we were completely mush about her still), losing babies felt really painful. We experienced the gift of Elliana and all that she did for her family, so we could picture and feel all that we were losing with the loss of those lives. The second one this year, fourth one all together, felt especially life sucking because it came with the dread that maybe there were no more babies for us. I also made the decision not to tell anyone other than Adam for almost a month. I was really not doing well, and I was nervous that I would tell people and their lack of concern/compassion would be even more painful. I feared a fourth miscarriage would be like background noise, and I was hurting too much to feel that on top of it. In some ways, I was right. 

Miscarriage has been really lonely. I think about them every single day. And no one ever asks me how I'm doing. It's an unfortunate accompaniment of miscarriage- the fact that people don't know the "right" thing to say, so nothing is said at all. But it also makes me wonder- am I crazy? Am I crazy that this is sad and hard? 

One of the many ways miscarriage has changed me is that I see (I think I do) other people's hurts or unfulfilled longings a little more easily with a lot more compassion. The ladies I know who long to be married. The woman desperately wanting her first child. Marriages that unravel and families that break apart. I'd like to think God has used these losses in my life to help me see other people a little better. 

Twisted Cycle

For the first time ever, I paid to be a part of a gym. I took a free week of classes back in early August, and I loved them so much. So much! Adam agreed that it would be money worth spending because of how much I enjoyed it. So, I paid to be able to go 8 times a month. And now, I'm working the childcare room twice a week to get a free membership. I know this seems like a really insignificant part to mention. But it's been such a good thing for me. I love both the competition and community it provides. Adam came with me the day after Thanksgiving, and he did NOT get hooked like I did. He called it torture. 

2021 held a lot of good, a lot of hard, and a lot in between. I'm grateful for the health of my family, immediate and at large. I haven't quite gotten to the goal planning for 2022, and I actually think I want to sit in the looking back a little longer. 

When Covid Gives You a Gift

I have craved some time to process my thoughts for months, but I haven't made the time for it. But life has handed me time in the form of Covid. Thankfully, I am having a mild reaction to the virus thus far, so my family is living our best Covid life at the lake. What a gift! 

I am expecting to wander in this post, hoping to flush out the thoughts that have pinged around in my head as the months and weeks have marched on. 

With no need to tell the story, I lost yet another baby in July. In the immediate aftermath of it, I refused to call it a miscarriage because Adam and I said a second miscarriage would mean we were done. I called it a chemical pregnancy, and I fully believe that's what my OB would call it had I told her anything about it. I told no one other than Adam for a full month. I couldn't bare the thought of people not understanding the depth of pain I was in. I was too fragile. A lack of care or compassion might undo me. But I mean, I also could rationalize why a fourth miscarriage might strike some people as background noise. 

"Lady, you've walked through this now 4 times. Give it up. God has given you 3 healthy children. Can't that be enough?"

I feared judgement instead of kindness. 

Yet my heart was broken. Both at the loss of another one of MY babies. But also that something seemed actually broken within me. Elliana was in fact a mysterious miracle. A wonder! A love gift of epic size!

And still. I was trying to muster up the strength to ask God for one more miracle. I sought new medical care. I ran all the tests. Took all of the supplements. Ran all the tests again. Left with more supplements to try and big questions hanging out in my head and heart. 

And I. am. tired. 

I had a follow up appointment on Wednesday to discuss the latest blood work and new things to try to get more optimal numbers, and I wanted to hang my head, wave the flag. I can't. I'm weary. 

I have moments when I can see the beauty of my family as it is and where it's headed. I'm on the brink of more independence. I could theoretically start doing more things that set my soul on fire. I am on the verge of being seen as more than Mommy. I can actually see that horizon. 

But I look around at my three little people, and I cannot ignore the ache for more. I guess, I can. And I might have to. I guess I'm wanting one more answer. 

As my due date for the first baby I lost this year (I cannot tell you how much I despise having to clarify WHICH loss I'm referring to) approached, I felt the grief and sorrow like a cloak. I saw big bellies and heard other mommas counting down their weeks. And I knew. I swear my body knew. That baby was due the day before precious Hopey's birthday party. That night I decorated the very cake I had wondered how I would pull off in those short weeks of being pregnant last winter. I whispered to myself, "This isn't what I had in mind." 

This road of repeated loss and lonely grief has been hard. And there's a lot of shame and guilt that goes along with it. And I have to choose over and over and over again to look to Jesus. And if I'm being honest, I don't always make that choice. I have not always trusted His heart towards me. But I want to. 

It is easy to look at Nolan, Isaac, and Elliana and see His goodness to me. I can hear their laughter and feel their hugs. God has given me more than I ever deserved. And I know that I know that I know that He is trustworthy with all that I've lost. He wastes nothing. My heart is safe in His care. His ways are better than mine. He has kindness in His eyes. So, I repeat these things to myself when I feel weak. And I offer up, "Help my unbelief." 

My Girl

 My Happy Big Girl,

You are two!! Which technically means, you are no longer a baby. But you most certainly are still my baby. You are perpetual sunshine and joy in this house, and we all love you so much. Sometimes when you are squealing with absolute glee while playing with your brothers and your Daddy, I will wonder, "What would we have done without her?" Because it seems like we all needed you here with us. 

I'm convinced that 1 year olds hold a special magic, and I think maybe you were the most magical of them all. Your one year old life was lived through hard days. The pandemic continued to at times smother us with fear, stress, and worry. But it was no match for your joy. Now, we have been fortunate that covid has not produced dire despair close to home, like it has for others. But the weight of these days was sometimes overwhelming. But then you would lay your little self against me, and you would settle that perfect head against my shoulder, grabbing my hair for security, and I would breathe you in. Deeply. Holding you close and rocking both of us. Daddy and I take turns putting you to bed each night, and I think we both needed those moments of slowing down to hold you close. It steadied us in the midst of so much darkness. 

We are all crazy about you. Your laugh. Your smile. The way you babble with so much certainty, though we have no clue what you are saying. You are so easy to love, so easy to enjoy. You are everyone's favorite girl, Elliana. 

We walked through a really hard season before you came into the world, and we walked through some more hard this year that has us holding onto you tight. For the first time, I felt sadness about this milestone of your life. I have delighted in every bit of your growth, just to the brim grateful that you were here with us. But I confess that I have felt sadness creep in as I watch you stomp right on out of the baby years and into more independence. While I know that I am actually so happy that you are healthy and capable to do that stomping, it has tugged on my mama heart differently this year. 

I know I won't always be the best part of your days, so I'm staying present right now, savoring who you are and storing up all these precious days and moments with you. Elliana Joy, you are a JOY and a delight. I couldn't love you more. 

I want to give you a bear hug!! I love you, big girl. Always and forever!

Love,

Mommy

Year 2 of Elliana

 I cannot believe Elliana is 2. I love, love, love my kids as 1 year olds, and Elliana did not disappoint. Most of her precious life has been during the pandemic. In a world of so much sadness and chaos and uncertainty, oh my gracious, I'm so thankful we had Elliana Joy to be a perpetual bright spot. 

Obviously, a lot changes in the year between turning 1 and turning 2. Like, she couldn't even walk a year ago. She figured it out mid September, and she quickly progressed from walking to running because she is a third child. Adam started when she was way too little (in my opinion) walking on the road for neighborhood walks, and she would be just utterly thrilled with herself. Adam has so many cute videos of the two of them on walks together. 

I heard so many times that Nolan and Isaac are "all boy." Well. Elliana is definitely a girl. She cares about what she wears, and anytime she puts a dress on, she wants her daddy to see her and dote on her. She is currently on a tie-dye kick. She wants to wear it every.single.day. She will throw an actual fit about not liking what I want to put on her. It seems like she has far more emotions than the boys! But it's perhaps just the way she expresses her feelings that's different. While she's a bit of a girly girl, she can also march around outside in the mud with the boys and hold her own. I love the balance!

Elliana is the sibling that is pretty much always well received. The boys do get frustrated with her at times, but for the large majority, she is met with adoration and affection from the boys. Sometimes too much. 

Elliana is a mama's girl through and through right now. Like with my boys, I expect her allegiance to change eventually. But for the time being, her first choice is Mommy. Because of Covid, I'm convinced our bond is stronger. She does still test my patience with her opinions and feelings, but she has been a healing balm to my heart in so many ways. She loves pulling up a chair to bake with me at the island. Sometimes she even likes when I put on my workout. And I've become increasingly aware- this girl is watching me. And it's scary! 

There is possibly no one more smitten with Elliana than her Daddy. The amount of times Adam just smiles at her and says, "She's the cutest girl in the whole world," or something like that- too many to count! Sometimes we'll watch videos or look at pictures after the kids go to bed, and he'll ask, "Should we go get her up?" And I think he actually would. He loves her so much! I'm confident Elliana has been a force of healing in Adam's heart, too. 

This one- she gets so excited about the littlest things. Her smile is literally the best. She loves being tickled and chased. She loves chocolate, and she'll often grab candy in the checkout lines at stores, exclaiming, "CHOCOLATE!" She has watched and danced to Every Move I Make at least 1,000 times- not exaggerating!! She LOVES my parents' dog, Jax. She loves the beach! She's probably my best dinner eater of the 3 (comparing them as 2 year olds). She still sleeps with her pacifiers, and it will be tough for her to stop. This girl- she's irresistible! I'm so, so thankful for her! I always said that I would be happy with all boys, but I was wrong. I desperately needed Elliana Joy. 

The brightest sunshine there ever was!! Elliana Joy, I'm your biggest fan! 

8 Years of Nolan

 Nolan Alex is eight years old! 

This past year Nolan did first grade at our public school. It was a very bizarre year in the midst of the pandemic, BUT! Nolan had an amazing teacher who really cared about him. He did really, really well in almost all areas of school, and we learned that he does not have a math brain. 

Nolan is CRAZY about animals and nature! He loves learning facts about any and all creatures. He is especially interested in reptiles right now. He has spent HOURS outside catching and releasing lizards. When we were at Lighthouse for a retreat, he caught 50+ lizards that week. 

Nolan, Isaac, and Adam have all become quite the fishermen. It all started during COVID, but they have come to really love it. Freezing cold, blazing hot- they will go. Nolan loves watching YouTube videos about fishing. He says he wants to grow up to "be a fisherman and catch bigger and better bass." That's what he wrote over and over in first grade when asked what he wanted to be when he's older. 

Nolan ADORES Elliana, and is a very, very good big brother to her. For the longest time Elliana called both boys, "Isaac." But she figured it out eventually and is quite fond of both her brothers, but Nolan is especially good with her. When Adam and I debated keeping Elliana in Georgia while the boys went to North Carolina during our anniversary trip, I ultimately decided she needed to stay with Nolan because she was so attached to him. I knew he would help her feel safe. 

Nolan is a super smart, very athletic kid. He really likes to be right. He gets along with pretty much everyone at school, and his teachers RAVE about him. He's such a good reader. He's still fast as lightning. He can down a hamburger. He's actually a great dancer, thanks to all of the go noodle dances he did at school. I love when he lets loose and starts dancing. He's starting to develop a good sense of humor and is getting the hang of comedic timing. He challenges me in so many ways, and I fail so often. I don't know if it's because he's the first or because we are prone to butt heads, but he sure does keep me humble. 

Oh, Nolan, you sure are cute!! I love you more than you'll ever know!

How Can It Be 8?

 Dear Nolan, 

Eight years ago my torturously long labor finally came to an end, and you were born. You came into our lives and changed them forever. And somehow that tiny baby I held for the first time is now a big eight year old with missing teeth. While I wouldn't say time has flown, it does seem downright crazy that you have been ours for 8 years. 

You are such a smart kid. With the exception of math, school seemed effortless for you this past year. You really are like a sponge, soaking up information. I am sometimes stunned at your willingness to stay focused on a topic to learn all that you can. I gave you the paper plate award- Fact Master- because you want the facts. You want to challenge anything that contradicts what you've learned, and you will challenge anything. Except at school. 

One of the things I really, really love about you, buddy, is how much you care and love Elliana. You are a protective big brother to her, and I really do trust you to look out for her. She asks you pretty much every day to take her upstairs to play peekaboo in her room, and pretty much every day you oblige. You have such a tender heart towards her, and I love it. I think you both will miss each other when school starts in a couple of weeks. 

There are a lot of things that stand out to me about you, but one that happened recently, I want to remember. You probably won't. You found a small pad of paper, and you asked if you could have it. I asked why you wanted it, and you said that you wanted to write poem and songs to Jesus. Pretty effective way to get what you asked for because how I was going to tell you no? You haven't done much writing on the notepad, but one of the pages has a line written on it that says, "Jesus, you are my savior." I pray that you cling to Jesus for all your days. There's nothing else I want more for you than that. 

You are still incredibly fast, likable, and an avid animal lover! We're starting to notice you've got some wit, too. You have made me genuinely laugh out loud because of your clever comments and impressions. It's so fun to have you learn things like comedic timing. Definitely makes your dad proud! 

I love you so much, Nolan. I have failed you many times, and you always forgive me. I hope you know that I really do love you. I really do like you. I really do enjoy you. And I really am proud of you. 

I'm looking forward to another lap around the sun with you, Bud!

Love you forever!

Mommy

My Rhino

 Dear Isaac,

Against all instruction from your mother, you turned six. SIX! You often seem older than that because of the ways you strive to keep up with Nolan. In fact, as I think about it, you seem less and less like a little kid. And I don't like it. I do know that you are still a little kid, but it's not unusual to see you holding your own with the other elementary school boys in the neighborhood. You can be one tough kid! 

You are such a fun boy, Isaac. God made you in such a way that people just enjoy being around you. You will play anything. You will run, tackle, jump, race, bike, or anything else to join in the fun. You are good at being physical, and you do not seem deterred if you are the smallest in the gang. You still go for it. I love that about you. 

You also have a tender and squishy heart. You like for everyone to be happy, not just you. You are quick to share, even on your actual birthday when you don't have to. This year you got a dinosaur painting kit. It came with 4 dinosaurs to paint, and you let Nolan paint 2 of them. I think you so enjoy doing things with Nolan that you are able to recognize that sharing the experience is more important than hoarding the items. People ARE more important to you. 

You are a good big brother, Isaac. I hope you love and look out for Elliana always. You have good protective instincts, and we joke that you have the finesse of a rhino. So, I think of that as a good combination when it comes to protecting your sister. She gets genuinely excited to see you, and you love that about her. (Who wouldn't?!) I can just hear you excitedly screaming, "ELLIE!" 

My big six year old, I love you. I love who you are growing into, and I'm so glad I get to be the one cheering you on. When your PE teacher asked you what the best part of your birthday was, you answered, "Going on a date with my mom." And I teared up immediately. You are sweet to your Mama. Let's not stop that anytime soon! 

I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. I'm proud of you.

Love you always,

Mommy