Looking Back at 2023

For the first time ever, I went a full year without logging on here. And it makes me think I'm ready to be done with this space. I want to save what's written, but obviously, this isn't where I'm processing or remembering or documenting. Sadly, I'm just not doing enough of that anywhere. 

But also for the first time, I've actually spent some time journaling about last year which might make this easier, more concise. 

Disclaimer: It's very hard for me to look back on 2023 and not focus mostly on August-December. I was trying to work my way there a few mornings this week, but wow! It was challenging. 

What stood out in 2023, starting with the biggest markers...

Adam left Lighthouse.

The full story of how this transition came to be is not about to be hashed out. But it is without question that God moved Adam from saying in March, "I do not want to leave Lighthouse. I love my job, and I love who I work with." To, "I think I'm done at Lighthouse," in August. Thought I witnessed the whole thing, and I lived through the stress and chaos that Lighthouse brought to our family in more ways than one, I was pretty crushed when it became clear that God was leading Adam somewhere else. I mean, I cried and cried and cried the week Adam painfully and slowly told people over the course of 5 days. It was very surprising to me and Adam. And I had a really hard time explaining what was happening inside of me. But I felt the loss of this work and this community and this ministry so very deeply. Lighthouse was a place for us to belong as a family. There was a place for me to work alongside Adam in a few different capacities. This was a mission we very much believed in and that we both sacrificed greatly for. Our whole family did. Adam remained completely sure and steadfast in the face of all of the pleading, and that was super helpful. Adam's final weekend working for Lighthouse, we were in Florida doing an event. When the DJ called for the last song, Adam asked me to dance, and I cried into this shoulder. It was time to move on. And it was so hard for me. 

Adam took a job with a camp in North Carolina. Upon saying yes to this job it meant a lot of travel for the first 3 months of his time there. 

My Twisted Cycle Closed

About 5 days after Adam's official last day at Lighthouse, I got an email that my Twisted Cycle location was closing effective immediately. No warning. Nothing. I was supposed to work 3 classes the following day, but the studio was already completely empty- not a bike or a piece of equipment remained. And this was so, so hard. The timing coming right after Adam's big change at work was especially difficult. I lost my place to workout. I lost my people who I so loved working out with. I lost all of the relationships with the people I was coaching. It was swift and felt severe. But I know that it was magnified because of the other changes. I was immediately offered a job on another Twisted Cycle team that I said yes to right away, and I probably should've waited to process the news a little more. I began coaching at a new location a week later. It's been almost 4 months, and it's still been such an adjustment. I workout there once, maybe two times a week. I coach 3 classes but on 3 different days, so it's more demanding on my schedule. And it has taken me a while to make those meaningful connections with members. There has been A LOT of talking with Adam about whether I will continue, and I still don't have a clear answer. I keep doing it now, but I'm holding it very loosely. 

Elliana started preschool.

Well, this was inevitable. But it was still tough to swallow. I'm not going to deep dive into this, but it was a reminder that this wasn't how I wanted things to go. Meaning, I didn't want Elliana to be my last baby. I wasn't ready to put a bow on the little years, but I had to accept this reality. I didn't have to send her to preschool this year, but it really was for her joy. The fall semester she went 2 days a week. She often asked to not go on Wednesdays, and I would let her stay with me. We'll see what the spring semester holds for her. I wanted to commit one morning a week to doing joy activities for myself, and that happened maybe once. I'm hoping to do better this semester. 

Parenting

Also not going to deep dive on the world wide web about this facet of 2023, but shoot dang! Parenting changed in July. I can look back and see that I had a pretty constant undercurrent of worry that started then. Health issues, anxiety, and attitudes were coming at us in ways we hadn't dealt with yet. And it was overwhelming at times. Like, walk away with tears in my eyes because I'm so dang weary and frustrated. 

So- all of these big markers were in the back half of the year, which is why it's hard for me to remember the first half. And these "big markers" were creating an inner (and sometimes outer) chaos inside of me that was so exhausting. It gets better...

Counseling

I continued going to counseling twice a month for much of 2023. [My last appointment was August 7th. Truly 3 days before Adam got the phone call that would change everything at Lighthouse. So right as my world started to shift, I stopped going to therapy. Perfect.] In the spring of 2023, my counselor finally started doing EMDR with me to try to help with the trauma of 4 miscarriages. This was something we had worked towards, and I had really hoped would help. It was incredibly painful to relive some of those events in order to try to lessen the nearness of those memories to my everyday thoughts, but I'm glad we did. One of the events that we spent a good deal of time on, was a day that I had previously shared with no one. Adam was kind of there when it happened in 2018, but I didn't realize how alone that experience was until I actually said the words out loud. And the look on my counselor's face as I shared actually gave me permission to feel like what I had experienced was in fact awful. And I needed that. 

As I've lived through all of the change that came in the final third of the year, I wish that I had still been in counseling. I needed help sorting through what I was experiencing and feeling. I lived so much of the fall with, "Just keep going," ringing in my head. I gave myself no time and no grace. And I felt the consequences of that by the end of the year. 

WinShape Marriage

This places continues to be so very special for us. We did a weekend retreat the first weekend of March, and it was one of the best weekends of the entire year. We had so much fun together, and we really needed it. Then we were asked to serve as a host couple in September. The Sunday of that weekend, I got the email from my Twisted Cycle boss that our studio was closed. So, it ended rough, but it was really special serving together. Our very first WinShape marriage retreat was in March of 2019, and Adam and I were struggling. We were facing the hardest year of our marriage by a landslide. During the weekend, I thought we experienced some pretty powerful moments. But a couple of months later the hell-zone that was 2019 in our marriage revealed more fire, refining us even more. We have such a heart for couples walking through fire in their marriages. To serve for the first time in September was very meaningful. We had several moments asking ourselves, "Why are we here? We are so young!" But doesn't God know what He's doing! We had a lot of good conversations with couples younger than us and all in all just enjoyed being there in a different way. 

Colorado

We took a family trip to Colorado in September- also just days after getting that email from Twisted Cycle. My head was reeling a little bit, but we had an adventure to chase! It was the first time the kids flew, and they loved it! Colorado was beautiful!!!! Adam got a stomach bug that sidelined him our first full day there. He bounced back for the next day but then was feeling congested and achey the next. It was very, very hard for me to keep a positive mindset. I faked it good for the kids. But I was sad. I had worked really hard to get us there and then we really had to make the most of the circumstances. But the kids have nothing but a glowing report of the trip. I'm thankful for that. 

Bible Verses

I decided that memorizing Scripture was going to be a main focus this year, and that's how we spent family devotions this year. We memorized 26 Bible verses, even Elliana. To celebrate we had a family fun day which included spending the night in a hotel. We had our celebration on December 23/24, and it was one of the highlights of the Christmas season, for sure!

Let me bullet point some wins--

* Nolan's current teacher is AH-MAZING! Like, I've cried tears of gratitude more than once for this woman. Oh my word! 

* We on purpose chose to pull back on kids activities to free up the calendar- 5 stars! Highly recommend. 

* I continued to be intentional about my friendship with one of the ladies in my life, and that has been life giving. 

* Nolan got to take a birthday trip with Adam, and it was amazing for them.

* We've changed churches (also this fall- so crazy!), and everyone seems on board and happy with the change. 

* We accomplished my goal of hiking 25 times this year! Not 25 different hikes. But we set aside time to get outside and be in nature 25 times, and I'm proud of everyone for doing it. Not everyone was always willing. Note- Adam probably did half.

* I mustered up the courage to fly to Texas to see my friend and her new baby. VERY proud of myself. 

* Adam and I celebrated 12 years of marriage!

* Isaac and Nolan both got the Citizen's Award at the end of their 3rd and 1st grade school years. 

There was a lot of good this year. A lot of God's kindness. And a lot of change. It took me a couple of months to be able to calm my insides. I just kept looking for normal, not recognizing what had become my new normal. It was a lonely couple of months. I definitely felt like no one understood all that was coming at me at one time, and I knew that I needed support and didn't know how to ask for it. Or maybe I was scared to ask for it. 

I don't really have hopes or vision for 2024. I'm still looking back right now, and that's how I want it to be. 

Looking Back at 2022- longest post ever!

 I'm currently on what I'm calling a 24 hour sabbatical. 

I'm at a Hampton Inn about 30 minutes away from my house, and I'll go back tomorrow. I really wanted to go to the lake, but ultimately the drive time for one night made me pivot. I pictured myself in the comfort and familiarity of the lake house when I took some time away, but anyone who knows me, knows that I love a good Hampton Inn. I have felt in my soul for a few months the need to pull away, and it just hasn't felt possible. At all. In all honesty, I've been saying for probably 4 months that I can tell I need to get outside somewhere beautiful because of how much that breathes life into my whole being, and to that end, I'm working to plan a trip for the family to meet that deep need. 

I knew I wanted the time and margin to really reflect on this year and write about it, and I was confident it wouldn't happen at home. It couldn't. So, part of the push to take the step away was really to think and process 2022. On Monday, we were on the way to Adam's parents' house to celebrate Christmas, and he started talking about his plans for a building project that would require much of his attention on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (probably Sunday). Tears welled up in my eyes because I knew if he was doing that, I would have no break, no quality time with him, no help. We later decided- 1. This wasn't the week for him to embark on that project and 2. Yes, Marissa needs to take a step away. 

So, alas, a look back at 2022 that could get bumpy...

The Red House

In March, Adam's boss offered us a 3 night stay at a house in Highlands, NC. Lighthouse had rented it for an event and didn't end up needing it. So, it was completely free and had to be used by the end of March. We went the weekend before Adam's birthday, and it was probably one of the most special times for our family all year. There was the thrill of a vrbo house that wasn't ours. It had a pool table and a beautiful view. We did a fun hike and even went to breakfast in town one morning. And then magic hit. It snowed overnight on our second night. This was when gas prices were truly astronomical, so we had driven our little Honda Civiv, so we pretty much felt stuck. I can say with confidence that that snowed in day on March 12 was the most restful day of our entire year. We experienced Sabbath rest, and it was a gift. I had to resist the urge to find things to do. The kids played in the snow with great delight. We had a fire going all day long. We watched basketball and movies and ate soup for dinner. It was truly magic. The kids speak with such love and longing about the Red House. We do, too. 

Sabbath

Thanks to our experience at the Red House and a book we both read (Take Back Your Family by Jefferson Bethke), we wanted to really work on Sabbath as a family. We agreed that it cannot be Sundays because I lead my high school small group in the afternoon/evenings. So, we have aimed, but certainly missed the mark many times- to have Friday night kick off our Sabbath. I try to make a dinner that everyone is going to be happy about and eat eagerly. Most weeks there's dessert that night, and I've tried to make it one I can enjoy, too. And of course, Friday night is already movie night. It's Saturday that we really have to fight for. The book described it as "pleasure stacking." Doing things we love on Sabbath. So, we love watching the boys play sports, so we've decided that it's ok if we are at the soccer field or basketball court on Saturdays because we love that. I love having people over for dinner, so that's ok, too. Adam enjoys tinkering in the garage, that's ok. It was hard to embrace Sabbath when we envisioned it as sitting around doing nothing all day. But when we shifted it to pleasure stacking, we welcomed that idea! Again- things got a little crazy in certain seasons- but it's what we are working towards. 

Nolan

Nolan's 2nd grade school year was R O U G H. He stared seeing a counselor in November of that school year (with great reluctance and a lot of tears!!!). We couldn't figure out what was going on with him. He was so angry. So a huge part of 2022 from January to May was him going through counseling and limping his way through the end of 2nd grade. It took a while for us to finally get clued in on some issues in Nolan's classroom that were clearly causing him a lot of anxiety. That kid is an angel at school. Always has been. And he got sent to the principal's office a couple of times for things that had been done TO HIM. Not that he had done anything wrong. But man oh man, once we could finally piece together that his school environment was putting a lot of stress on him, it helped tremendously at home. THANK GOD we finished 2nd grade, and he is now with an amazing teacher in 3rd grade!! He's not perfect by any means, and he absolutely still struggles with anxiety, but there's been a noticeable shift since starting 3rd grade. 

Twisted Cycle

I started working at Twisted Cycle in January doing childcare 2 times a week from 9:15-10:45. I got a free membership as part of compensation, which is why I was doing the job. My first or second day working, the owner asked me if I would consider becoming an Instructor. I already had that thought rolling around in my head before she said anything, but I probably would not have made any moves on my own. But because she sought me out, I went for it. In March I went through training (which was 2 very long days, and I wanted to quit after the first one because it was so overwhelming). I passed my audition in April, and I got the final stamp of approval after being evaluated coaching an actual class on May 5. I was on the schedule the next week. 

It was a big adjustment. I can still really struggle with a lot of my own insecurities about this job. I really love it while I'm doing it, but I still get a lot of stress around it. All of my classes are on Tuesdays for the most part, plus one Saturday a month. I am typically my worst self on Mondays. It's getting better, but the stress of making a playlist each week can get to me. And I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to deliver a great workout to the members each week. I have had so many conversations with Adam about whether or not people like me or which type of people like me. My confidence can rise and fall with my class sizes each week, which is just awful. In so many ways, doing this has opened up a floodgate of unnecessary self doubts. I was killin' it just working out there. I told Adam in November that I was thinking about quitting because I was tired of feeling like this. But when I thought about telling the people I've come to really enjoy and care about that I was leaving, I didn't want to. Because I do care about them. But for my own well being, I need to see something shift by the time I hit a year in May. 

But I have enjoyed the other women I work with and getting to know them and learning from them. One person in particular has come alongside me so much and without her I probably would have quit a long, long time ago. I'm grateful for her friendship and encouragement. 

On a completely different measuring stick- back in June we had a 1 mile challenge. How fast can you bike a mile. They recorded your times. They've started doing benchmark challenges so members can see their own growth. In June I completed my mile in 2:45, and I felt like it wasn't my best but I was pleased with it. It ended up being the fastest time of the day. On Friday, we had a 3 minute distance challenge- how far can you go in 3 minutes. I hit a mile at 2:37 and obviously kept going. But I was proud of myself for dropping 8 seconds on my mile time. These types of things are part of what I love about Twisted Cycle. These opportunities to see and celebrate improvement- it feels rare in regular life. 

Lighthouse

2022 brought more stress and more travel for Adam than ever before. The summers are always a lot, and we've come to accept them for what they are. But his travel this fall really picked up. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Adam got promoted to VP of Development, and he absorbed the stress of a VP, too. It was a challenging back half of the year with the combined stress and increased travel. I still absolutely believe in Lighthouse and love the mission. The work they do is so valuable and necessary. But at the end of this summer, Adam and I did look at each other and wonder- how much longer can we sustain this? Now, as always, there is a goal to travel less this coming summer. But only time will tell. 

Backyard/Porch Reno

Back in 2020, we started the conversation about moving. We love our neighborhood, so the ideal situation was finding a house in the neighborhood. We wanted- ideally- a 4th bedroom, a basement, and a little more space in the main living area. Well, pretty soon after we started looking, the housing market took off. It became pretty clear to us that we it was the right time to sell but certainly not buy. In the spring of 2022, we decided to sink a lot of money into extending our back deck and screening it in. Then at the end of the summer, we did a complete backyard overhaul. Also a lot of money. The idea being, we were extending our living space and play space by having the screened in porch and the beautiful back yard. And we love it! Money well spent, in our opinion. It's easy to have people over because we now have plenty of places to sit. The kids and their friends have the field to play soccer, football, or whatever madness they make up. I have closed the door on the idea of moving at this point. I would still like a fourth bedroom, but really, we have plenty of house. Plenty of families in the world cram way more people into a much smaller space. 

Grief

This one could be the bumpy one. 

It's really hard for me to reflect on this year aside from the weight of grief that felt like a very close companion. In so many ways, this year has felt hard and heavy. In January, I told my prayer group ladies (a whole thing in itself) that Adam and I weren't going to be trying for another baby. I really wasn't doing well. I had my eyes on December/January as when we'd try one more time to have a baby, but I came to the conclusion that my heart couldn't handle it. I had no answers after months of supplements and 2 rounds of bloodwork. I couldn't see the wisdom in trying again. After the miscarriage in July of 2021, I really refused to acknowledge the gravity of that loss because I was just after answers and was determined to have a healthy pregnancy. So, to no longer be striving for either of those things, grief came crashing in on me. WHILE my closest friends got pregnant and had babies around me. It feels like a weight on my chest right now just remembering some of the more painful times of this past year. Staring down the sadness of losing 4 babies AND the disappointment of not being able to grow our family anymore- it was at times overwhelming. I would come home from meeting with my small group ladies and sob into Adam's arms. I'd listen to hours of conversation centered around pregnancy and babies and breastfeeding, and I would know that I didn't belong in these conversations. Yet my friends didn't notice. It was so lonely and so gut wrenching at times. 

We knew I needed help, but counseling is expensive. We decided to phase Nolan out of counseling, and I would start going. I was going to see Nolan's counselor. There was some base level trust and understanding between us, and I didn't want to be put on a wait list. My first session with her that wasn't centered around Nolan was on my birthday. And I held nothing back. I spilled the tea, as the kids say these days. I remember being folded over, face in my hands, crying as I let the words spill out of my mouth. To get the full scope of the story I had to back it up. Which meant I also re-hashed the incredibly challenging year that Adam and I went through in our marriage. I talked about the awful reality of physically losing 4 babies. And the pain around other people's silence. The struggle to know God's love for me in the mist of all the heartache. It was quite a session. I can vividly remember her looking at me with knowing eyes. 

We agreed to move forward together. It's laughable that the first session was supposed to be exploratory to see if it was a good fit. Poor woman. I've been going twice a month since then, and it has been hard. It's hard to bring to the surface what I've kept dormant for so long. It's hard to work through and acknowledge some of the impact of that hard year of marriage. It's been hard to feel very open with these wounds and not have a guaranteed prescription that would heal these spots up nice and quick. You know how antibiotics take effect after about 24-48 hours? That's not how counseling works. Grief is tricky and sneaky and doesn't follow any rules. 

I would say I'm closer to accepting that I won't birth another baby, but it still pains me. Every time I get asked if we're done having kids or doesn't Elliana need a sister or why not have one more, my heart still aches. The unexpected yet totally healthy pregnancies for people around me- it's still hard. While I'm so grateful that Elliana is healthy and growing, it has been painful to step further out of the baby stage. We took her crib down the day before her third birthday, and I ugly cried. It was the first time in 9 years that we didn't have a crib in our home. I've gotten rid of all of that baby stuff. And I've lamented it all. While my friends are eagerly scheduling vasectomies for their husbands, I am jealous of their choice. They are choosing to no longer grow their families. 

One time I asked my counselor- when does it stop? When does it stop hurting so badly? While she obviously couldn't answer the way I wanted her to, she could assure me that it does get better. 

What Now

In a lot of ways, I think that facing my grief defined 2022. Being in counseling has helped in a lot of ways, but it's also made me feel crazy at times. So much is right under the surface all the time, that I feel uneasy sometimes. It's been hard to acknowledge needs and weaknesses to Adam. For almost the entirety of our 11 year marriage, I've wanted to make his life better and easier, and I hit a point once counseling started that I couldn't. As I started being honest with myself, I just couldn't hold everything together anymore. The three big areas we discuss- the loss I experienced in miscarriage, the issues within marriage, and then my poor relationship with food- I call them the 3 balloons. Because I can feel pressure building in each one and then when one of them exceeds capacity, it pops. 

I'm planning to continue with counseling for the time being. Right after my first session, I also met with the one friend who I thought had margin to walk through this season with me, and we agreed to go a little deeper in our friendship. My ladies group mostly just meets socially once a month, but she and I have committed to meet regularly. And I probably need to take the step of getting connected with ladies at our church, somehow. It doesn't feel like there's any way to add that to my plate, but I know it's necessary. Being in community with other believers would have drastically impacted this past year. 

There are times that I definitely feel like I'm floundering just as a human, unsure of who I am and what I am doing. I struggle to be sure of myself, and it's not a good feeling. This is certainly one of the areas I'm hoping to see growth in this year. 

Per usual, as I've word vomited all of that, it feels important to also say-

We had a lot of great experiences this year. We got to take a free beach trip just the five of us again. We went in May, and it was so wonderful. We did the beach with my family, which is always a highlight of the summer. We also went to Family Camp in North Carolina and Disney with Adam's family. It was a full year!! Isaac transitioned to Nolan's school for first grade, and he's crushing it! Elliana finally decided to go pee on the potty, which was a WHOLE THING, but she did it!!! We've deepened our friendships with neighbors. We got a bunny. We served at Lighthouse. Elliana is the cutest little girl I've ever known. She is tender and spicy and stubborn, and she is still 100% Mommy's little girl. Her little voice and killer dance moves light up my world. Isaac is an easy kid to enjoy. He's got grit and is willing to take on challenges. He's definitely found a salty side in the last few months. But he's still mostly sweet Isaac. Nolan continues to be a sponge when it comes to all things animals. He loves to learn and explore. He's such a good reader, and he can surprise us with his thoughtfulness occasionally. Also- still sprints like Cheetah! Adam is my best friend and my rock. He's had to hold me up more than any other year in our marriage. He's prayed over me and spoken affirmations when I've really struggled. I have a ridiculously good life to be grateful for. 

2023- I'm confident it will hold all of the same- beauty, sorrow, joy, pain, growth, etc. Each year holds it all. Each year holds it all differently, but all of it nonetheless. 

To My 7 Year Old

 Oh Isaac,

I sure do love you. I hope you know that in the deepest parts of your heart- that your Daddy and I love you just the way you are. Your blue eyes, REALLY LOUD voice, strong legs, tender heart- it's all part of what we love.

You are so easy to love and enjoy. You do everything to the best of your ability, and you are so tough. You've been trying to keep up with Nolan since you were a baby, and it's really paying off now. I love watching you play sports, and I love your enthusiasm and excitement over whatever you set your mind to. Yet you have a gentleness about you when you are tending to your sister or when you notice that I'm feeling sad. It always melts my heart a little to see that you notice people who are hurting and can be empathetic towards them. 

You are brave and daring and adventurous. And I love that about you. It makes me smile thinking about all of the water slides you did at Great Wolf Lodge. You wanted to do all of the thrill rides, even the ones you weren't quite tall enough for. You went up and down those stairs so many times, we couldn't believe it. You are a beast, Isaac! 

This year you memorized so much Scripture in Mrs. Lassiter's class, and I hope you hold onto it. You proudly taught us the armor of God and repeatedly told us it was to defend against the fiery darts of the enemy. Oh, how I'm praying you will stand firm against all of the fiery darts that will come your way, my man! I love listening to you pray, and I love how firmly you believe God's Word is true. 

I love you, Isaac Dean. When you do great and when you don't. When you are your best self and your worst. I love you and like you and enjoy you and am proud of you. I will always be here cheering you on. Being your mom is one of my greatest joys.

I love you BIG!

Mommy

Isaac Turns 7

 I could gush about this kid for a while. (pictures to be added later)

Isaac stayed at the same school for kindergarten and even got to have the same amazing teachers that Nolan had for kindergarten. He thrived!! He was a natural leader in the class, and his teachers often commented that they never had to redirect Isaac to make better choices. He learned to read and continues to show that he has a math brain with how quickly and easily he's picking up basic concepts. Nolan will be jealous. It was a really special year, and he was quite sad to say goodbye to his teachers and classmates. 

Isaac is a ferocious athlete! His tenacity is going to make him a very desirable player, in my opinion. He tried basketball for the first time, and he crushed it! We had to literally yell to get him to stop shooting and pass the ball. But he made so many dang shots, it was hard to get him to stop. He played spring soccer, and he did so well on the field, too. He just is fearless and attacks. We truly love watching him play sports. 

Isaac continues to be the Tomberlin kid that has a people pleasing streak at home. Nolan absolutely does at school, and so does Isaac. But I can see that Isaac really does want to make us happy and do the right thing at home. He, however, also likes to point out when his siblings are NOT doing the right thing. He is quick to help. Quick to say sorry (usually). Quick to see a need and try to fix it. He's got a tender heart and it shows up at home. Anytime I bake something, which let's be honest- is a lot, he says that he loves it. I'm not always sure that he does, but he knows that I want to hear him say that. 

Isaac will be headed to the same school as Nolan next year, our public school. He's a little nervous about it, but he has the advantage of knowing all of the neighborhood kids. Nolan didn't have that. I'm nervous for this big change for him, knowing that he's sensitive and sweet, but I know that he will adjust. It will be a long day. Isaac typically sleeps more than Nolan, and I imagine the 6:15 wake up call will be brutal on him at first. 

Isaac- 7 years old. He's so easy to love and enjoy, and I'm thankful I get to be his mom and cheer him on as he grows more and more into the person God made him to be. 

Just Keep Swimming

It's laughable to me that I'm here right now. I haven't managed to sit down here for 6 months, so it seems like the obvious time to stop all together. I still haven't done Isaac's birthday posts, and I'm so annoyed about that. It's happening next week! (Now I will feel obligated to follow through on my word) 

Sidenote: I'm also really ready to stop the birthday posts, but I will not let Isaac have fewer than Nolan. See how this is really going to back me into a corner?

I have been struggling for months with no where to go, so this might just be a desperate attempt to get some of it out and move on. 

The pain of 4 miscarriages has dulled but not disappeared, and I feel very much stuck in a place of disappointment and sadness. Or maybe it's just grief. The compounded grief of this is that I'm trying really hard to accept that I won't be birthing any more babies, and that does grieve me. The next layer is that I'm really sad to know that there's four little Tomberlins that aren't here. And yes, I really do know that may sound indulgent. 

My boys have both asked me recently if I would please have another baby, and I have nothing to say in response. I can remember 18 months ago when they were asking if I would have another baby, I was hopeful and foolishly assuming that we certainly would have another baby like we desired. I'd answer with an expectant smile and "I sure hope so," and now I really don't answer. 

At our recent family vacation at the beach, I watched with an ache as my sister had to manage her almost 7 month old baby's schedule. One of the babies I lost would have been just 6 weeks older than him. While I know that a baby that age at the beach makes things more complicated, I really, really wanted that complication. It's the second time my sister has had a baby really close to when I could've had a baby, too. So, I know it stings at first, but it does get better.

I still meet with the ladies I have been meeting with for 4.5 years now. These friends saw me through some dark, dark days my first round of consecutive miscarriages. This second round of consecutive miscarriages has been a lot different. Plus, two of them have had babies this year, and a third is due in September. Two of them didn't even want to have another baby. They needed weeks to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, and it took some time to get excited about another baby being added to their families. It's been painful to sit through their processing and adjusting but share in their joy as they welcome their new babies. I am all the more mindful of women on the heartbreaking journey of infertility. I cannot imagine. Truly cannot imagine. 

The first week of May I was a full week late to start my cycle, and I once again wondered if somehow I was pregnant even though we weren't trying. I refused to take a pregnancy test because I wasn't even going to allow myself the possible excitement. I was working my butt off to become an instructor at the gym I love, so I assumed it was stress. And I found out the day I had my final evaluation (and passed) that I for sure wasn't pregnant. Mother's Day was 3 days later. And my friend's baby died that weekend. I gave myself a pass and didn't go to church that Sunday morning. 

A few weeks ago, while Adam was already in Florida for work, I was at church alone. The kids were all in their classes, and for no obvious reason at all, I became completely undone at church during worship. Just a torrent of tears that I couldn't stop. I continued to silently cry through most of the sermon and on into communion and the songs after that. It was hard. And I realized in those 90 minutes, there was not one person at the church who cared enough to come up to me because we are still so unknown there. And that's a lonely feeling. 

One of the hardest parts about all of this loss and loneliness is the really negative self talk that comes and goes as I wrestle through all of this. The guilt and shame. Every time I react in anger to the wonderfully healthy children I do have, I quickly point out to myself that I clearly don't deserve more kids. When my friends who didn't want more kids have more kids effortlessly, I can easily point to the fact that they have been faithful with what God has given them, so He gave them more; I clearly have not. When my kids are driving me crazy with their bickering, I'm not grateful enough for what so many couples desperately want. 

I put all of this down to say- I haven't been doing great. I'm supposed to start getting counseling in September. But I trust that I'm going to look back here in a year, maybe sooner, and I'll be able to see all that God has done. I hope there's some healing in the weeks to come. I have tried to be very mindful and present in these summer days with my kids at these exact ages. I won't get this chance again. 

Looking Back on 2021

 I can't express how disappointing it is to me that I'm writing this after the new year. Almost so disappointing that I wasn't going to write it at all, but I really do love going back and reading these. Also, why does all reflecting have to stop on January 1? That's not a rule I'm accepting any longer. 

We made a pretty quick change in plans right before Christmas that we would spend December 29-January 2 at the lake. I intentionally didn't bring my laptop, so I wouldn't have the distraction of it. But that also meant I couldn't write this. It makes me giggle to think about how thrown off I was coming home on January 2. I felt behind already, and I seriously felt like any intentional goal planning for the year was lost. It couldn't happen. The New Year came, and I wasn't ready. And honestly, I still haven't sunk the time I wanted to in really reflecting and also looking forward. Alas, here I go looking back. 

COVID

Guess what. Covid didn't go away. At all. Yes, the summer was a little more normal, but Covid still ran rampant, and it caused more and more division among everyone because a vaccine was made available. Before we were arguing over masks, and then it was the vaccine. It was exhausting. Covid still meant no parents at either of the boys' schools. Plans changing or being canceled. Tests, tests, and more tests. Comparing my mental health in 2020 to 2021, I can see that I did adapt to the stress Covid put on me. We still look back on lockdown fondly; Adam has said many times he would take another round of lockdown. But, for the most part, 2021 held a lot more normalcy for us.

LIGHTHOUSE

I continue to love this organization, and I'm so glad Adam works for them. For the first time, a family member came to serve with us on a Lighthouse trip. Adam's sister came to family partner with me over the summer, and it meant so much to me to have someone come see our Lighthouse world. The kids and I were family partners twice this retreat season, and it was really, really impactful to do that again. I hadn't done it since our very first retreat in the spring of 2017. Isaac wasn't even 2. This time, Elliana wasn't even 2. Oh my gosh, it's so much work. And also so worth it. Having Adam's sister with us was a gift, and thankfully, she had a great week, too. 

Anniversary Trip

This was hands down one of the highest of highs from my year. Adam and I went back to Washington for 5 nights to do some new exploring and also go to all of our favorites from when we lived there. Getting there, like actually getting on the plane, was truly awful. I cried buckets of tears in the week leading up to leaving. BUCKETS. I was really anxious about flying. I was really anxious about leaving Elliana. A lot of anxiety. A lot of fear. A lot. But I am so glad I could get myself on that plan to go. Adam told me the day before we left that we could change our plans, so I didn't have to fly. But I knew I needed to do it. The time with Adam did wonders for my soul and my heart. Hiking in such outrageously beautiful spaces breathed life into me. Sitting here thinking about that trip, it's giving me all the feels. I hate that Washington is so stinking far away and so expensive because I really do love it there so much. For a vacation. 

It's also worth noting (for me) that God really has done a remarkable work in our marriage. In 2017, when we started fostering, that was the beginning of some hard years. With 2019 being the hardest year of my life to date. Now, that was the year Elliana was born, and I cannot fathom how I would have managed that year without the burst of joy she is. At the end of 2019, Adam and I were meeting with our marriage counselors, and I told them that when our anniversary had come around just a couple weeks prior, I looked at Adam and asked, "What are we celebrating? That we made it? We didn't quit?" Things were not great. We kept fighting, working, pushing through our stuff, and it's amazing (and a relief) to see the healing God has done.

Church

This continues to be a very hard thing for us. Church in the pandemic was tough. Is tough. We have been calling this certain church our church for almost 2 years now, which is just laughable. We are not plugged in. We only know a few people. We aren't serving. We question whether we really want to belong to this church almost every time we go. We really haven't felt that sense of belonging at a church since we left the church we loved almost 4 years ago!! That's a long time. And it's really tiring. 

 Loss

To be honest, when I look back on 2021, I think about a lot more grief. I had two more miscarriages this year, and they were really, really hard. With the joy and delight of Elliana being really fresh (as in, we were completely mush about her still), losing babies felt really painful. We experienced the gift of Elliana and all that she did for her family, so we could picture and feel all that we were losing with the loss of those lives. The second one this year, fourth one all together, felt especially life sucking because it came with the dread that maybe there were no more babies for us. I also made the decision not to tell anyone other than Adam for almost a month. I was really not doing well, and I was nervous that I would tell people and their lack of concern/compassion would be even more painful. I feared a fourth miscarriage would be like background noise, and I was hurting too much to feel that on top of it. In some ways, I was right. 

Miscarriage has been really lonely. I think about them every single day. And no one ever asks me how I'm doing. It's an unfortunate accompaniment of miscarriage- the fact that people don't know the "right" thing to say, so nothing is said at all. But it also makes me wonder- am I crazy? Am I crazy that this is sad and hard? 

One of the many ways miscarriage has changed me is that I see (I think I do) other people's hurts or unfulfilled longings a little more easily with a lot more compassion. The ladies I know who long to be married. The woman desperately wanting her first child. Marriages that unravel and families that break apart. I'd like to think God has used these losses in my life to help me see other people a little better. 

Twisted Cycle

For the first time ever, I paid to be a part of a gym. I took a free week of classes back in early August, and I loved them so much. So much! Adam agreed that it would be money worth spending because of how much I enjoyed it. So, I paid to be able to go 8 times a month. And now, I'm working the childcare room twice a week to get a free membership. I know this seems like a really insignificant part to mention. But it's been such a good thing for me. I love both the competition and community it provides. Adam came with me the day after Thanksgiving, and he did NOT get hooked like I did. He called it torture. 

2021 held a lot of good, a lot of hard, and a lot in between. I'm grateful for the health of my family, immediate and at large. I haven't quite gotten to the goal planning for 2022, and I actually think I want to sit in the looking back a little longer. 

When Covid Gives You a Gift

I have craved some time to process my thoughts for months, but I haven't made the time for it. But life has handed me time in the form of Covid. Thankfully, I am having a mild reaction to the virus thus far, so my family is living our best Covid life at the lake. What a gift! 

I am expecting to wander in this post, hoping to flush out the thoughts that have pinged around in my head as the months and weeks have marched on. 

With no need to tell the story, I lost yet another baby in July. In the immediate aftermath of it, I refused to call it a miscarriage because Adam and I said a second miscarriage would mean we were done. I called it a chemical pregnancy, and I fully believe that's what my OB would call it had I told her anything about it. I told no one other than Adam for a full month. I couldn't bare the thought of people not understanding the depth of pain I was in. I was too fragile. A lack of care or compassion might undo me. But I mean, I also could rationalize why a fourth miscarriage might strike some people as background noise. 

"Lady, you've walked through this now 4 times. Give it up. God has given you 3 healthy children. Can't that be enough?"

I feared judgement instead of kindness. 

Yet my heart was broken. Both at the loss of another one of MY babies. But also that something seemed actually broken within me. Elliana was in fact a mysterious miracle. A wonder! A love gift of epic size!

And still. I was trying to muster up the strength to ask God for one more miracle. I sought new medical care. I ran all the tests. Took all of the supplements. Ran all the tests again. Left with more supplements to try and big questions hanging out in my head and heart. 

And I. am. tired. 

I had a follow up appointment on Wednesday to discuss the latest blood work and new things to try to get more optimal numbers, and I wanted to hang my head, wave the flag. I can't. I'm weary. 

I have moments when I can see the beauty of my family as it is and where it's headed. I'm on the brink of more independence. I could theoretically start doing more things that set my soul on fire. I am on the verge of being seen as more than Mommy. I can actually see that horizon. 

But I look around at my three little people, and I cannot ignore the ache for more. I guess, I can. And I might have to. I guess I'm wanting one more answer. 

As my due date for the first baby I lost this year (I cannot tell you how much I despise having to clarify WHICH loss I'm referring to) approached, I felt the grief and sorrow like a cloak. I saw big bellies and heard other mommas counting down their weeks. And I knew. I swear my body knew. That baby was due the day before precious Hopey's birthday party. That night I decorated the very cake I had wondered how I would pull off in those short weeks of being pregnant last winter. I whispered to myself, "This isn't what I had in mind." 

This road of repeated loss and lonely grief has been hard. And there's a lot of shame and guilt that goes along with it. And I have to choose over and over and over again to look to Jesus. And if I'm being honest, I don't always make that choice. I have not always trusted His heart towards me. But I want to. 

It is easy to look at Nolan, Isaac, and Elliana and see His goodness to me. I can hear their laughter and feel their hugs. God has given me more than I ever deserved. And I know that I know that I know that He is trustworthy with all that I've lost. He wastes nothing. My heart is safe in His care. His ways are better than mine. He has kindness in His eyes. So, I repeat these things to myself when I feel weak. And I offer up, "Help my unbelief."