So Long, Summer!

Today feels like my very last day of summer. 

I fly out tomorrow for a choreography job in San Francisco, and I come back Sunday night. And I report for duty on Monday. Ding! Round 3 is about to begin.

I'm kind of ready. Kind of not.

I almost didn't take this choreography job because I knew it was happening on my final summer weekend, and I would be flying without Adam again. I remember being on the phone with the coach, and very intentionally thinking, "Do I want to put myself through the process of flying solo?" But I knew I couldn't make this a fear based decision, so I agreed to it. 

Guess who's already regretting it? 

Not just because I've already put hours of prep work into their routine, but I just don't want to go. 

As I sat down to read my Bible yesterday and journal, I knew that I needed to deal with this mounting fear and anxiety going on in my heart. 

When my brother and his family were headed this way, I checked their flight status repeatedly, so nervous that something would happen to them on their way out here. When my sister was on her way here, I read a very thorough report on the plane crashes of the last 10 years (which, there have been very, very few fatal plane crashes in the U.S. recently, in case you were wondering). 

After the shooting in Colorado, I could scare so easily. One afternoon, I was running on the treadmill in our complex. I was the only one in the room, and a man in a uniform came in and walked out. I was keenly aware of him, and when he was headed back towards the work out room, I literally jumped off the treadmill and walked out. Talk about a scaredy cat?! Completely irrational. 

I was talking to Adam about all of it and going so far to say that I might need to see a counselor if things didn't get better soon. Because the fear was almost crippling. It was definitely influencing my decisions, and I hated it. 

But I've known that the root of the issue is in my heart. Because I know this world is broken. And I know horrible, awful things happen. Things that are completely out of my control. And they always will be. And the thought of something happening to Adam can send me into tears faster than I like to admit (like...right now!). As much as I desire a long, healthy life with him, we're not guaranteed that. And it can be downright terrifying. 

But it doesn't have to be. 

And I don't have to be bound by fear or half live life in hopes of avoiding trauma. Because that's not really living, anyways.

Because I know the Author of my story. I know that come what may in this life, He promises to be faithful and good and enough. If my faith is real, and I believe God is who He says He is, then I must live life fully surrendered to Him. Because living in fear doesn't add a single day to my life. I don't get to rely on myself or Adam, but I must fully trust my Creator and Sustainer. Wholly entrusting my life to Him.

And when I say that I want God to be glorified in my life, I don't get to put clauses on that statement. I don't get to decide what would most accomplish His name being magnified in my life. 

In the moments when my thoughts are wrapped up in fear, I mentally picture myself looking at those things and turning away from them to put my eyes on Jesus.  It usually helps. But man, is it a process! 

I remember when I was flying home for Easter over a year ago, and my flight was awful. We were flying through storms, and you could see lightning outside the windows. I was tense the whole time. So, like always, I put in my headphones to listen to worship music, and I started journaling. And I remember writing the words, "If I perish, I perish." I had done the good ol' Beth Moore Bible study on Esther twice already. Knowing that God is always perfectly capable of the rescue, but He doesn't always choose that. 

And I still know this to be true. 

As I've been asking the Lord to forgive me, help me, and lead me, I know that I must take active steps in choosing to trust God with my deepest desires and longings. To keep my hands open before Him, not clinging to the things I hold most dear. I must keep my eyes on Him. Knowing His ways aren't my ways. And joyfully serving Him wholeheartedly all the days of my life.