Tis the Season to Self Examine

Often times, seasoned moms will ask, "So, how's it going??" They have that knowing look in their eyes. The one that says, "Don't even pretend like things are going perfectly." Which is nice. And it also makes my stomach tighten. Depending on the day, they could get a variety of answers from me. I absolutely love being Nolan's mom. Or It was quite the transition! Or Thankfully, I have a really easy baby.

All of these answers are true. But I what I want to say is, "I've never been more aware of my selfishness until this tiny child came into my life." 

And I wouldn't change it for all of the riches in the world. I'd just like to get over myself, you know?

I'd like to think I have myself in a perfect storm. My coaching season this year has been so frustrating, so discouraging, and so exhausting. My team is awesome! I love those 14 girls, and I'd hang out with them more if I could. It's the tension and chaos surrounding our season that has done me in. The politics of the school, the lack of effort by the parents, the incredible burden of planning this trip to Florida, it's kind of sucked the fun out of coaching. 

I lay in bed awake thinking about the routine, the finances, the conflicts with the school. My heart hurts for the ways my immediate authority figure has disrespected my team and me. For the ways my reputation as a coach has changed this year. I don't get it. It feels so foreign, if I'm honest. And I don't like it. But in all of my efforts to be respectful and low maintenance, I've started to wonder if maybe my Athletic Director is right. The circles I run in my own head- exhausting! 

In a word, I've felt so insignificant lately. 

When Adam talks about how much his boss likes him and affirms his work. Or he takes him to lunch to talk strategy because Adam is "the future of this company." I think to myself, "I wonder what that feels like." 

There are days I walk into practice, praying that I can be what those girls need. Because I feel so defeated. I'm a typically feisty person when it comes to fighting for those girls, and I'm losing steam. 

The problem with feeling insignificant is it's a lie. When I buy into the lie, I start walking more in the fear of man instead of the authority of Christ. And I can't be the coach those girls need and deserve. And I can't be a happy, constantly serving wife and mom because I've suddenly started operating out of the strength of Marissa instead of the power of Christ and the overflow of Jesus in me. 

When one (Marissa) starts to feel insignificant, it only heightens the selfishness. Because everything becomes about me. 

And it's plain not. about. me. In a way, I am insignificant because this story is about Jesus. I'm not the star of this story. But when I put myself as the star, I find I'm completely incapable of filling the role. And if I could just live in that reality, I think my days would be better. 

Earlier this week, I was playing all of the songs that were in our wedding while I was cooking dinner. When I played, "Be My Everything," something resonated in my heart. A check. A reminder. Christ in me. Christ in me, the hope of Glory. Be my everything. 

In my cooking. In my cleaning. In my coaching. In my laundry. In my folding. In my marriage. In my mothering. Be my everything. In my hard days. In my easy days. In my everything. 

Be my everything. 

Sorry, I can't not put a picture of Nolan in a post. He's too cute! 

4 Months

My sweet, sweet boy is 4 months old. I cannot believe how stinkin' cute he is!

Nolan is so fun. He continues to be a pretty easy going baby. He's starting to laugh more, and it's absolutely my favorite sound ever! Sometimes he laughs for no apparent reason, but we can pretty much count on laughs if we kiss his naked tummy.

Nolan is officially rolling. He's not that great at it. And we actually didn't even witness it his first 2 times. My mom graciously took Nolan for me in the morning, so I could sleep an extra hour or two. And what do you know? The kid rolled over. I've only seen him roll back to tummy. And Adam's only seem him roll tummy to back. Go figure.

Completely unrelated to Nolan…we lost power for an entire day one Saturday. This was our light source. It was like camping in our own house. We were nice and cold all day! 

Nolan can be quite the helper in the kitchen. He mostly just sits in his bumbo chair and gnaws on whatever toy I give him. 

My little Nolan Bear. He's just the cutest! We didn't go anywhere for Halloween, but someone gave me 2 costumes to try out on Nolan. So, obviously I had to dress him up in them. 

He seemed really happy in both of them. I can only hope Nolan is a fan of ridiculous costumes for the rest of his life!

I introduced Nolan to the jumperoo, and he absolutely loved it!! He hasn't seemed to enjoy it as much as that first time, but he will usually go to town for a little bit! He will also chew on the seat cover and enjoy standing up all by himself. 

We're working on weaning Nolan off his swaddle. And it has been SLOW going! He definitely sleeps better swaddled, but because he knows how to roll over, we have to teach him how to sleep without the swaddle. But sometimes when we swaddle him, he used his Hulk strength and Houdini skills to escape anyways. 

Nolan had visitors in his 4th month of life…

My good friend Dally (Ally) came to meet my little nugget. They had a great time playing together. And Ally cooked dinner for us, which was AH-MAZING!

And my parents came!! Nolan enjoyed his time with Mimi and Abuelo. And so did I! Extra sleep, extra help, and always added fun when my parents are around. 

Nolan's hair was getting shaggy in some places, so I actually had to cut it. It was hanging over his ears, and it was getting super long in the back. His hair is still long in the front, but we are losing it in the back. He's an active sleeper and is rubbing himself a nice bald spot.

I find Nolan utterly adorable when he's just in his diaper. Seriously. I love kissing his chunky thighs and raspberrying that belly of his. He's just the cutest.  

In other news, Nolan relapsed his delightful sleeping through the night habits. He was waking up for no apparent reason. Not hungry. Just fussing. There were some nights that he'd wake up crying 4 times. Which is WAY more than he'd wake up as a newborn. Thankfully, those times have passed. He's remembered how to sleep straight through the night again. No one is happier about that than I am! 

Look how big this boy is!! Oh. my. word. He's grown so much. Just looking at this picture makes me want to take the boy's clothes off and kiss him right now!

Scrumptious.

Suffice it to say, we're still totally crazy about this baby boy! He loves when I sing to him. He loves to kick his legs like crazy in the bath. He's putting everything in his mouth. I'm recently starting to think he might know his name. I can't say that with confidence, but I'm working on proving my theory. He's due for his 4 month shots, and I'm NOT looking forward to that appointment. But I know he'll want some extra cuddles, and I'm okay with that. 

My favorite boys. I love them so much. 

3 Months

A very picture heavy post...

Nolan is 3 months today!! He's just over 13 weeks, and I can't believe how much he's growing! He's wearing some onesies that are 3-6 months. Whaaaat? Slow down, little boy. 

We went to the pumpkin patch with our little dude- first time wearing his overalls AND shoes. We had to wake him up for these pictures, and he wasn't too thrilled. 

The next weekend, we decide to put Nolan in the pumpkin. He didn't really like the cool flesh of the pumpkin against his skin. Who would?!

But we got some real keepers from the trouble we put him through.

Nolan actually really enjoys this bear. It's got the silky edges and the soft bear- both of which appeal to him. Nolan can get the bear to his mouth, too. Which, who doesn't love sucking on a stuffed animal?! ;)

Nolan really, really loves sitting up. When he's in his bear chair or in his carseat, he'll try his best to be able to sit up. When I'm driving, I can hear him grunting as he's working to pull himself to sitting. Which just isn't possible in the carseat. 

Cute boy! He loves bath time! He always stares at Adam the whole time (Adam gives him his bath). It's really cute. 

We're getting some laughs out of him. His smile is perfect and adorable, but the few times we've gotten a laugh out of him- oh. my. goodness. Who could not love this guy?!

Proud dad with his little wildcat! This happened to be the day we left Nolan with a high schooler for the first time. She's on my team and the daughter of our landlord. We went on a daytime date featuring Jimmy John's, Starbucks (for me), and TCBY (for Adam). 

Being the mom, I don't usually (ever?) get many pictures with Nolan. So, sometimes I take them myself. Look how thrilled Nolan looks! It's really important to me that Nolan has pictures with Adam and with me. God forbid something tragic happen to one of us, I want him to always have pictures of himself with his mom and dad who love him so much! 

Nolan continues to fill our days with great joy! We love him so much, and we're absolutely crazy about him. 

Monday Cuteness

Some people get the Monday blues. Here's some cuteness to make any Monday better.

I mean, come on...He's so cute! 

Smilin' at his Daddy. 

The cheeks, people! They seriously get chapped because I kiss them all. day. long. 

Such a big boy sittin' in his bumbo chair. 

Life in the 'hood

Motherhood, that is.

Yesterday was a perfect fall day here in the Northwest. Almost perfection. I kept thinking that Adam being off and Chick-Fil-A for lunch would've really made it perfect. I had to run some errands, so I was out and about in blue, blue skies, a light breeze, and leaves changing colors all around me. I love fall. It's my favorite season.

Most of the day it felt like my heart was too full, that it was surely going to burst. I love being Nolan's mom, and I was loving the mundane things of life.

But that's not always the case. I've been at this baby-on-the-outside mom thing for 11 weeks. And there have been some hard things. Like...

The whole sleep thing. I'm so, so grateful that Nolan is sleeping through the night. But I can remember when he was 5 weeks old, and I was feeding him in the middle of the night, thinking, "Will there ever be a day when I sleep more than 4 hours at a time?" YES. It came. But even now, with the baby monitor on, my sleep can be disrupted in a nano second. And apparently, Saturdays mean nothing to babies. 

And what clothes should I be wearing right now?? It's funny. When I was on my honeymoon, in December, at the beach, I remember feeling a little disappointed that I hadn't been able to work out as much as I wanted to, so that I'd feel a little more confident in my bathing suit. Now I look at those pictures and ENVY that body. Maternity clothes are way too big. My normal clothes don't quite fit to my liking. So, that leaves me wearing t-shirts and athletic shorts or yoga pants or athletic pants all. the. time. And you know what, I don't like it. I don't like not being fit. I don't like that it's taking some time, effort, and work to lose weight. I don't like that I'm watching what I eat because I just came off of 9 months of having a reason to be fat! 

Strangers share their opinion about how I should be mothering my child. Wow. It started when I was pregnant. Everyone had a story, a suggestion, or something to tell me about being pregnant, giving birth, or being a mom. And I'm talking random people in the grocery store. NOW it's just about formula or breastfeeding or crying it out or rocking my baby to sleep. I was feeding Nolan in the bathroom at the school where I coach, and a woman stopped and said, "I'm so proud of you for nursing. Babies need breast milk. Formula is just not good for them. Good for you!" I smiled. Not even 4 minutes later, a different woman walked in and said, "Oh make sure you feed him formula sometimes. You want him to be able to take a bottle, so you can leave him overnight." I smiled at her, too. 

And can we all just acknowledge that breastfeeding is hard? I know, I know. It's magical and bonding and whatever. I know some moms love it, and they think it's the easiest, most natural thing in the world. Well, it wasn't for me. Again, when Nolan was 5 weeks, I would long for the days when breastfeeding would be over. Does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so. But plenty of people pass judgement. I think if Adam has to listen to me talk about my milk supply one more time (which he absolutely will), he'll burst. I've definitely relaxed a lot about this, but it's only been in the past 3 weeks after a serious meltdown on the phone with my mom. 

Sometimes, it's hard being home all day cleaning, doing laundry, preparing dinner, cleaning up from dinner, etc, and knowing that I'm going to have to do it all again tomorrow. It's unending. Literally. There won't come a day when the laundry does itself, or we have a personal chef. And this is where I have to pause. Christy Nockels once explained it that we have to invite the glory of God into the mundane things of life. There is no better part of my day than cuddling my baby. Oh my word. I could do it all day, everyday. But I have to do the other stuff, too. And in the midst of it all, I invite God to refine this heart of mine. Because my attitude stinks sometimes. I want Adam to be grateful for everything I do, when really, this is the greatest privilege I've known. 

We were talking about if/when we'd want another baby because we're oh so smitten by Nolan, and it hit me. The sometimes stinky attitude I have won't get better when adding another child to the mix. If I can't figure out how to serve this family with a joyful heart as unto the Lord, we're going to have issues. And by we, I mean my bad attitude could make life really hard for myself and Adam. I don't deserve praise and recognition. I certainly don't high five Adam every time he gets home from work. Although, he does get a kiss! ;) 

I absolutely love being a mom. At one point yesterday, I texted Adam and said, "Even though we're far away from family, I love my life right now." And I do. I love being Adam's wife. I love being Nolan's mom. I love coaching those 14 girls. I love my life. I'm just also noticing a lot of places in my heart where sin has creeped in and settled in. Like my pride and selfishness. And since I don't have a strong community here, I don't have people pointing it out in my life. Instead it just keeps surfacing. 

I know how much I love Nolan, and I can't believe God loves me with a more consuming, more fierce, and more full love even when I have a heart that needs cleansing. I'm thankful that God is patient and kind as He exposes these weaknesses in my life and purifies me. Work in progress, for sure.

Life in the 'hood is rich and full, and I love that God has given us Nolan. I'm thankful for Adam who is walking this journey with me. I'm thankful for even the hard days and hard stuff as I'm confident God continues to mold me into the woman He wants me to be. 

Yes, it's true, our baby is the cutest baby in the world. Also, his laid back and chill demeanor is pretty awesome, too! 

Month 2

I'm really good at doing the monthly posts... 

Nolan's 2nd month was full and fun, and I can't believe how big my baby is already.

At Nolan's 2 month well check, he weighed 12lbs, 11 oz. Get it, baby boy! He's 24 inches long, so he's grown 4 INCHES since he was born. The doctor thinks he'll be taller than me and Adam. Which is really, really funny. I hope it happens. I can't wait for family pictures when Nolan is towering over us! :)

Nolan went on his first plane rides, and he. did. awesome. What a relief!! We had a layover going both directions, and Nolan did so great. We did decide two things. 1. It's worth paying a little extra money to fly direct. 2. We WILL check a bag at Christmas! 

When Nolan gets really tired or if we have to wake him up, he just burrows his head in our shoulder or chest. It's pretty cute. When Nolan got vaccinated, he wasn't feeling good for a couple of days afterwards. I'd be holding him, and he get his face right up in the pocket between my neck and chin. Nolan still appreciates skin on skin time. But when he's really tired or not feeling good, he NEEDS to be cuddled and feel our skin against his skin. 

Nolan also went on his first ferry boat ride. He kinda slept through the excitement. 

Speaking of sleep, Nolan is sleeping through the night consistently! He started being pretty consistent about it around 8 weeks. I hope it keeps up. When we traveled to Georgia, I kept Nolan on Seattle time to not mess up the delightful full nights of sleep we were getting. 

This cute boy loves to smile, and he's getting really good at tracking with his eyes. He can find my voice pretty quickly and follow me if I move.

I'm so, so thankful for this family God has given me. I love the weekends with my sweet family. I so enjoy watching Adam adore Nolan. And he does!! We're both in awe at this treasure. I can't imagine life without Adam and Nolan. I love kissing Nolan's perfect cheeks hundreds of times each day. I love how big his smile gets when he's really happy. I love how he gasps with glee during bath time. I love being this boy's mom!  

My Baby Boy

Nolan is 6.5 weeks, and there's so much I don't want to forget about our sweet boy. 

Nolan slept through the night last night. I know that doesn't mean he'll do it again tonight, but I really appreciated the sleep. The night before involved a lot of getting up for this momma. When I woke up at 6am when Adam's alarm went off, I happily declared, "Nolan slept through the night!!" Then I looked at the baby monitor to be sure it was still on. Naturally, I had to walk in his room to make sure he was still breathing and everything was okay. 

Nolan is such a little cuddler. Sometimes when I'm holding him, he'll move his face as close to mine as possible and just leave it there. I like to think he's asking me to smother his face with kisses. Happy to oblige. Sometimes on the weekends, when he wakes up 15 minutes earlier than usual in the morning, Adam or I will let him lay on top of us and snuggle. We'll try to put him in the middle of our chest, but he'll kick and scoot his way up our bodies to be right near our faces. *adorable* 

I'm convinced little man is smiling intentionally now. It's not because of gas or the happiness that follows his finished poop session. He'll smile at me if I work hard enough. And sometimes I don't have to work all that hard at all. 

We love Nolan so, so much. I know this goes without saying. But there are moments days, when my heart is just so full. Don't get me wrong. I've had plenty of frustrations, moments of complete inadequacy, and confusion, but Nolan has enriched our lives in ways we didn't know possible. We weren't trying to get pregnant last year, but I'm so glad we did!! This little boy belongs in our family, in our home, and specifically, in my arms! :) 

Sometimes when we're rocking Nolan, right before he drifts off into lala land, he'll open just one eye and peak at us in the most precious way. It's like he's checking that we're still there. Once that pirate eye closes, Nolan is usually a goner and in peaceful sleep. 

Nolan, my love, we are oh so crazy about you! I love when you rest your adorable head against my chest and just relax with me. I love the way you stare at your Daddy when he's giving you a bath. I love the ways you've cranked up my prayer life as I daily lift you up and thank God for placing you in our family. We will never be the same again because of you.  

The 1 Month Post That Didn't Happen

Nolan Alex Tomberlin hit 1 month on Tuesday. But I went back to practice this week, and I considered each day a success when Nolan and I were fed and at practice on time. It left little time for anything else. 

Nolan is definitely growing, but it seems like he's only getting longer instead of thicker. His completely kissable cheeks have some more chunk to them, but he still seems pretty thin. 

We brought Nolan home in this sleeper. You can clearly see his legs don't really fit so good anymore, but his arms are just fine. 

Nolan's first month of life went quickly, yet we cannot believe that just over 5 weeks ago, he was in my tummy. We're completely smitten by this little boy, and everyday we marvel at how cute he is. I often go back and look at pictures from the very beginning of his life, and I can't believe how much he's already changed. I know, I know. It's only been 5 weeks, but everyone says it goes fast. Let me just say, it doesn't feel like it's going fast in the middle of the night! :) 

Adding Nolan to our family has been a big adjustment, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I can't tell you how accomplished I feel when I do laundry, clean up, and cook dinner in the same day! It doesn't happen every day, but it feels good on the days it does happen. But I try to be sure to spend time cuddling my boy each day even when dishes aren't done and Adam's clothes haven't been ironed. 

I know this picture is a little blurry, but I love it so much. Even though, in my opinion, he very much looks like a little boy instead of a tiny baby. 

Nolan, we love you so much! We're so glad you're ours. I love being your momma, and I'll never be able to kiss those cheeks enough.