When Covid Gives You a Gift

I have craved some time to process my thoughts for months, but I haven't made the time for it. But life has handed me time in the form of Covid. Thankfully, I am having a mild reaction to the virus thus far, so my family is living our best Covid life at the lake. What a gift! 

I am expecting to wander in this post, hoping to flush out the thoughts that have pinged around in my head as the months and weeks have marched on. 

With no need to tell the story, I lost yet another baby in July. In the immediate aftermath of it, I refused to call it a miscarriage because Adam and I said a second miscarriage would mean we were done. I called it a chemical pregnancy, and I fully believe that's what my OB would call it had I told her anything about it. I told no one other than Adam for a full month. I couldn't bare the thought of people not understanding the depth of pain I was in. I was too fragile. A lack of care or compassion might undo me. But I mean, I also could rationalize why a fourth miscarriage might strike some people as background noise. 

"Lady, you've walked through this now 4 times. Give it up. God has given you 3 healthy children. Can't that be enough?"

I feared judgement instead of kindness. 

Yet my heart was broken. Both at the loss of another one of MY babies. But also that something seemed actually broken within me. Elliana was in fact a mysterious miracle. A wonder! A love gift of epic size!

And still. I was trying to muster up the strength to ask God for one more miracle. I sought new medical care. I ran all the tests. Took all of the supplements. Ran all the tests again. Left with more supplements to try and big questions hanging out in my head and heart. 

And I. am. tired. 

I had a follow up appointment on Wednesday to discuss the latest blood work and new things to try to get more optimal numbers, and I wanted to hang my head, wave the flag. I can't. I'm weary. 

I have moments when I can see the beauty of my family as it is and where it's headed. I'm on the brink of more independence. I could theoretically start doing more things that set my soul on fire. I am on the verge of being seen as more than Mommy. I can actually see that horizon. 

But I look around at my three little people, and I cannot ignore the ache for more. I guess, I can. And I might have to. I guess I'm wanting one more answer. 

As my due date for the first baby I lost this year (I cannot tell you how much I despise having to clarify WHICH loss I'm referring to) approached, I felt the grief and sorrow like a cloak. I saw big bellies and heard other mommas counting down their weeks. And I knew. I swear my body knew. That baby was due the day before precious Hopey's birthday party. That night I decorated the very cake I had wondered how I would pull off in those short weeks of being pregnant last winter. I whispered to myself, "This isn't what I had in mind." 

This road of repeated loss and lonely grief has been hard. And there's a lot of shame and guilt that goes along with it. And I have to choose over and over and over again to look to Jesus. And if I'm being honest, I don't always make that choice. I have not always trusted His heart towards me. But I want to. 

It is easy to look at Nolan, Isaac, and Elliana and see His goodness to me. I can hear their laughter and feel their hugs. God has given me more than I ever deserved. And I know that I know that I know that He is trustworthy with all that I've lost. He wastes nothing. My heart is safe in His care. His ways are better than mine. He has kindness in His eyes. So, I repeat these things to myself when I feel weak. And I offer up, "Help my unbelief." 

My Girl

 My Happy Big Girl,

You are two!! Which technically means, you are no longer a baby. But you most certainly are still my baby. You are perpetual sunshine and joy in this house, and we all love you so much. Sometimes when you are squealing with absolute glee while playing with your brothers and your Daddy, I will wonder, "What would we have done without her?" Because it seems like we all needed you here with us. 

I'm convinced that 1 year olds hold a special magic, and I think maybe you were the most magical of them all. Your one year old life was lived through hard days. The pandemic continued to at times smother us with fear, stress, and worry. But it was no match for your joy. Now, we have been fortunate that covid has not produced dire despair close to home, like it has for others. But the weight of these days was sometimes overwhelming. But then you would lay your little self against me, and you would settle that perfect head against my shoulder, grabbing my hair for security, and I would breathe you in. Deeply. Holding you close and rocking both of us. Daddy and I take turns putting you to bed each night, and I think we both needed those moments of slowing down to hold you close. It steadied us in the midst of so much darkness. 

We are all crazy about you. Your laugh. Your smile. The way you babble with so much certainty, though we have no clue what you are saying. You are so easy to love, so easy to enjoy. You are everyone's favorite girl, Elliana. 

We walked through a really hard season before you came into the world, and we walked through some more hard this year that has us holding onto you tight. For the first time, I felt sadness about this milestone of your life. I have delighted in every bit of your growth, just to the brim grateful that you were here with us. But I confess that I have felt sadness creep in as I watch you stomp right on out of the baby years and into more independence. While I know that I am actually so happy that you are healthy and capable to do that stomping, it has tugged on my mama heart differently this year. 

I know I won't always be the best part of your days, so I'm staying present right now, savoring who you are and storing up all these precious days and moments with you. Elliana Joy, you are a JOY and a delight. I couldn't love you more. 

I want to give you a bear hug!! I love you, big girl. Always and forever!

Love,

Mommy

Year 2 of Elliana

 I cannot believe Elliana is 2. I love, love, love my kids as 1 year olds, and Elliana did not disappoint. Most of her precious life has been during the pandemic. In a world of so much sadness and chaos and uncertainty, oh my gracious, I'm so thankful we had Elliana Joy to be a perpetual bright spot. 

Obviously, a lot changes in the year between turning 1 and turning 2. Like, she couldn't even walk a year ago. She figured it out mid September, and she quickly progressed from walking to running because she is a third child. Adam started when she was way too little (in my opinion) walking on the road for neighborhood walks, and she would be just utterly thrilled with herself. Adam has so many cute videos of the two of them on walks together. 

I heard so many times that Nolan and Isaac are "all boy." Well. Elliana is definitely a girl. She cares about what she wears, and anytime she puts a dress on, she wants her daddy to see her and dote on her. She is currently on a tie-dye kick. She wants to wear it every.single.day. She will throw an actual fit about not liking what I want to put on her. It seems like she has far more emotions than the boys! But it's perhaps just the way she expresses her feelings that's different. While she's a bit of a girly girl, she can also march around outside in the mud with the boys and hold her own. I love the balance!

Elliana is the sibling that is pretty much always well received. The boys do get frustrated with her at times, but for the large majority, she is met with adoration and affection from the boys. Sometimes too much. 

Elliana is a mama's girl through and through right now. Like with my boys, I expect her allegiance to change eventually. But for the time being, her first choice is Mommy. Because of Covid, I'm convinced our bond is stronger. She does still test my patience with her opinions and feelings, but she has been a healing balm to my heart in so many ways. She loves pulling up a chair to bake with me at the island. Sometimes she even likes when I put on my workout. And I've become increasingly aware- this girl is watching me. And it's scary! 

There is possibly no one more smitten with Elliana than her Daddy. The amount of times Adam just smiles at her and says, "She's the cutest girl in the whole world," or something like that- too many to count! Sometimes we'll watch videos or look at pictures after the kids go to bed, and he'll ask, "Should we go get her up?" And I think he actually would. He loves her so much! I'm confident Elliana has been a force of healing in Adam's heart, too. 

This one- she gets so excited about the littlest things. Her smile is literally the best. She loves being tickled and chased. She loves chocolate, and she'll often grab candy in the checkout lines at stores, exclaiming, "CHOCOLATE!" She has watched and danced to Every Move I Make at least 1,000 times- not exaggerating!! She LOVES my parents' dog, Jax. She loves the beach! She's probably my best dinner eater of the 3 (comparing them as 2 year olds). She still sleeps with her pacifiers, and it will be tough for her to stop. This girl- she's irresistible! I'm so, so thankful for her! I always said that I would be happy with all boys, but I was wrong. I desperately needed Elliana Joy. 

The brightest sunshine there ever was!! Elliana Joy, I'm your biggest fan! 

8 Years of Nolan

 Nolan Alex is eight years old! 

This past year Nolan did first grade at our public school. It was a very bizarre year in the midst of the pandemic, BUT! Nolan had an amazing teacher who really cared about him. He did really, really well in almost all areas of school, and we learned that he does not have a math brain. 

Nolan is CRAZY about animals and nature! He loves learning facts about any and all creatures. He is especially interested in reptiles right now. He has spent HOURS outside catching and releasing lizards. When we were at Lighthouse for a retreat, he caught 50+ lizards that week. 

Nolan, Isaac, and Adam have all become quite the fishermen. It all started during COVID, but they have come to really love it. Freezing cold, blazing hot- they will go. Nolan loves watching YouTube videos about fishing. He says he wants to grow up to "be a fisherman and catch bigger and better bass." That's what he wrote over and over in first grade when asked what he wanted to be when he's older. 

Nolan ADORES Elliana, and is a very, very good big brother to her. For the longest time Elliana called both boys, "Isaac." But she figured it out eventually and is quite fond of both her brothers, but Nolan is especially good with her. When Adam and I debated keeping Elliana in Georgia while the boys went to North Carolina during our anniversary trip, I ultimately decided she needed to stay with Nolan because she was so attached to him. I knew he would help her feel safe. 

Nolan is a super smart, very athletic kid. He really likes to be right. He gets along with pretty much everyone at school, and his teachers RAVE about him. He's such a good reader. He's still fast as lightning. He can down a hamburger. He's actually a great dancer, thanks to all of the go noodle dances he did at school. I love when he lets loose and starts dancing. He's starting to develop a good sense of humor and is getting the hang of comedic timing. He challenges me in so many ways, and I fail so often. I don't know if it's because he's the first or because we are prone to butt heads, but he sure does keep me humble. 

Oh, Nolan, you sure are cute!! I love you more than you'll ever know!

How Can It Be 8?

 Dear Nolan, 

Eight years ago my torturously long labor finally came to an end, and you were born. You came into our lives and changed them forever. And somehow that tiny baby I held for the first time is now a big eight year old with missing teeth. While I wouldn't say time has flown, it does seem downright crazy that you have been ours for 8 years. 

You are such a smart kid. With the exception of math, school seemed effortless for you this past year. You really are like a sponge, soaking up information. I am sometimes stunned at your willingness to stay focused on a topic to learn all that you can. I gave you the paper plate award- Fact Master- because you want the facts. You want to challenge anything that contradicts what you've learned, and you will challenge anything. Except at school. 

One of the things I really, really love about you, buddy, is how much you care and love Elliana. You are a protective big brother to her, and I really do trust you to look out for her. She asks you pretty much every day to take her upstairs to play peekaboo in her room, and pretty much every day you oblige. You have such a tender heart towards her, and I love it. I think you both will miss each other when school starts in a couple of weeks. 

There are a lot of things that stand out to me about you, but one that happened recently, I want to remember. You probably won't. You found a small pad of paper, and you asked if you could have it. I asked why you wanted it, and you said that you wanted to write poem and songs to Jesus. Pretty effective way to get what you asked for because how I was going to tell you no? You haven't done much writing on the notepad, but one of the pages has a line written on it that says, "Jesus, you are my savior." I pray that you cling to Jesus for all your days. There's nothing else I want more for you than that. 

You are still incredibly fast, likable, and an avid animal lover! We're starting to notice you've got some wit, too. You have made me genuinely laugh out loud because of your clever comments and impressions. It's so fun to have you learn things like comedic timing. Definitely makes your dad proud! 

I love you so much, Nolan. I have failed you many times, and you always forgive me. I hope you know that I really do love you. I really do like you. I really do enjoy you. And I really am proud of you. 

I'm looking forward to another lap around the sun with you, Bud!

Love you forever!

Mommy

My Rhino

 Dear Isaac,

Against all instruction from your mother, you turned six. SIX! You often seem older than that because of the ways you strive to keep up with Nolan. In fact, as I think about it, you seem less and less like a little kid. And I don't like it. I do know that you are still a little kid, but it's not unusual to see you holding your own with the other elementary school boys in the neighborhood. You can be one tough kid! 

You are such a fun boy, Isaac. God made you in such a way that people just enjoy being around you. You will play anything. You will run, tackle, jump, race, bike, or anything else to join in the fun. You are good at being physical, and you do not seem deterred if you are the smallest in the gang. You still go for it. I love that about you. 

You also have a tender and squishy heart. You like for everyone to be happy, not just you. You are quick to share, even on your actual birthday when you don't have to. This year you got a dinosaur painting kit. It came with 4 dinosaurs to paint, and you let Nolan paint 2 of them. I think you so enjoy doing things with Nolan that you are able to recognize that sharing the experience is more important than hoarding the items. People ARE more important to you. 

You are a good big brother, Isaac. I hope you love and look out for Elliana always. You have good protective instincts, and we joke that you have the finesse of a rhino. So, I think of that as a good combination when it comes to protecting your sister. She gets genuinely excited to see you, and you love that about her. (Who wouldn't?!) I can just hear you excitedly screaming, "ELLIE!" 

My big six year old, I love you. I love who you are growing into, and I'm so glad I get to be the one cheering you on. When your PE teacher asked you what the best part of your birthday was, you answered, "Going on a date with my mom." And I teared up immediately. You are sweet to your Mama. Let's not stop that anytime soon! 

I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. I'm proud of you.

Love you always,

Mommy

Isaac is 6!!

 I don't know what crafty magic has caused time to move forward at uncomfortable, unbelievable speeds. But Isaac is 6 years old. It just doesn't seem possible that he's moved on from being able to show you how old he is with just one hand. Now he needs 2. It's sorcery or something. 

Isaac has done Pre-K this year at the same school he was at last year. He's come a long way, too! He's starting to sound out words and does his reading homework really well. He is the oldest kid in his class, and his teachers can tell. They told me he's definitely a leader, and they can count on him to be on task. I've taught Pre-K. I know that's not true of A LOT of boys this age. It was a big bummer for me to not be able to have any involvement in his class at all due to Covid. I'm thankful he was able to go to school, but it made for a different year. 

Isaac is still my tender hearted kid, sometimes overly sensitive. It's hard to figure out if in certain situations he truly feels things more deeply or if he's milking it. Right now, empathy is not hard for him. Something I hope we can foster in him as he gets older. I'm convinced at least half of his tearful outbursts are because his feelings are hurt, not his body. 

Speaking of which- the kid is rock solid! We joke that his spirit animal is a rhino. When he runs at you full force, brace yourself or move out of his way! If we let our kids play football, he could really be a star. He weighs only 2 pounds less than Nolan, and he loves that! He is perpetually trying to hang with Nolan at everything. It will not surprise me if he is a good athlete. He LOVED playing soccer this spring, and he's got the tenacity to be quite the force on the field. It's so fun to watch him play. I looked forward to it each week. 

Isaac still loves baking with me. He's really getting good at it, too. He helps me enough that when I ask him what ingredient is next, he probably has a good guess. He loves cracking the eggs the most!

All in all, Isaac is an easy kid. So fun, so enthusiastic, so generally happy! He goes with the flow. He adapts when necessary. He is quick to help. I am nervous that I see some people pleasing tendencies in him, but I know that I'm also very sensitive to middle children. But he does get upset when he knows I'm disappointed. I have to be really careful with how I react to simple mistakes because he overreacts to them. He's watched some struggles we've had with Nolan and makes an effort to NOT do those things. While the thought of having a kid who wants to make me happy is alluring, I know that under that could be a lot of insecurity. I've got my eye on that one! 

Isaac ADORES Elliana. He mentions her cuteness multiple times a day, and he is just thrilled to have her around. She is getting to the age that she can annoy him by messing up his play space, but for the most part, he delights in her and every thing she does. When he comes to me crying, he quickly also looks for Elliana for a hug. I'm not sure whose hug is more comforting- hers or mine. 

Isaac Dean- the kid who had the "best day ever" at least 100 times in the past year. He loves big (and hard!) and is easy to enjoy! I can't believe kindergarten is on the horizon for that kid! 

An Altar of Remembrance

 I'm choosing to write this down to be a reminder to me of God's kindness.

Thursday was Isaac's birthday. Now, we love birthdays. I, especially, love celebrating my people's birthdays! Isaac's birthdays have not been ideal the last couple of years. When he turned 4, Nolan was sick with a virus that was super weird and to put it plainly, people didn't want to be around him. Thankfully, my brother's kids were in town and DID come. That was the redemption piece. His 5th birthday we were are the very beginning of the pandemic, and we were still under shelter in place orders. He did end up having a great day, but it was still not ideal. This year, this was his year! 

I had struggled big time to figure out a plan to celebrate Isaac, include family, somehow make him feel like he's having a party, all while still being really cautious about Covid. My brain hurt trying to figure it out and thinking through all of the possibilities and how to make everyone happy. We had a plan though.

Thursday didn't go quite to plan. And being the awesome kid Isaac is, he seemed to just roll with the punches. I, however, was not feeling so great about things. I really felt like Isaac deserved some birthday wins after his past experiences. But I admittedly felt defeated and discouraged after putting that 6 year old down for bed. 

We had our eyes on Saturday, which was going to be the cousin sleepover AND impromptu party because he invited the neighborhood kids to join in. Saturday's forecast was truly miserable. His birthday requests were: water balloons, jumping on the trampoline while Daddy sprayed them with the hose, and playing the Wii with his cousins. We were forecasted to get storms, possibly severe, all day Saturday. Literally a storm cloud was on the hourly forecast every hour from 6am-10pm. I had a pit in my stomach thinking about what this would do to his grand plans.

Friday I was working on his cake, and I dropped one of the layers straight out of the oven. Because it was so hot, it fell apart immediately upon impact of the floor. There was no salvaging it. At all. I was going to have to make another layer to replace that one. On my way to the store to gather a few additional ingredients, I began praying and crying. I've been rather tender and emotional lately, bruised being a good description. And I was praying honestly about nothing pertaining to Isaac's birthday. But then I began to ask for a couple of hours of no rain for my boy. My request was admittedly weak and felt unimportant. But I just asked God for some mercy and kindness towards both me and Isaac and to please give us a few hours in the afternoon/evening without rain. 

But I confess that in the midst of me asking, I felt almost immediate guilt for asking for God to change the weather when the state of the world is quite abysmal. It felt selfish. And short sighted. And I almost apologized for even asking, but I didn't. Because I really did believe God could stop the rain, and I knew Scripture said to cast ALL of our cares upon Him. Birthday weather included. 

Saturday morning we woke up to rain. Soccer got canceled. The forecast had not changed. But Isaac and I had already said we would pray the rain away, and we meant it. 

By late morning, the forecast DID start to change. The percentages dropped for the afternoon and evening. When I picked up my nephew at 3:30, there was even some sunshine breaking through the clouds. And for the duration of Isaac's party, there was not a drop of rain that fell from the sky. Water balloons and jumping on the trampoline with the hose and BONUS! total and complete mud fight amongst the 5 boys! 

All of Isaac's birthday requests came to fruition on Saturday and Sunday (cousins spent the night). I couldn't believe it, but also, I could. This was exactly the workings of a God who is in pursuit of His daughter. I have confidence Isaac and I would have figured out a way to make an indoor birthday party fun, but I'm profoundly grateful that we didn't have to. I tearfully told Adam about my feeble request on Friday afternoon, and what it did to my heart Saturday to see my birthday boy living up his best birthday! 

A part of me wanting to rationalize what just happened- the weather people- they rarely get it right, it seems. It probably was going to be clear anyways. But I made myself stop. God heard me. I'm choosing to believe that. I'm choosing to believe God's Father's heart, which is perfect, loves me and Isaac in a way that my love for Isaac doesn't even hold a candle to it. I'm choosing to believe.

And I'm choosing to build an altar. I will put a rock of remembrance here. I will remember the day I barely had the faith to ask, and God heard my cries for an afternoon without rain. 

Breaking The Silence

It's been nearly 4 months since I sat down to write, and when I go that long without making a peep, making that first peep gets harder and harder. Because in my head, surely there's significant things to break the silence. You know, something worth writing. And I have had the urge to write several times, but I've found myself letting all of the things stop me. I think partly because I am not sure I have been completely honest with myself, so that can make it hard to be honest here. So, I am hoping that this is going to help me. 

I am floundering in so many ways, and I think that will be evident in this post. 

The last weekend of January, I found out I was pregnant again. We wanted another baby. This was not an accident on our part. Though every time we talk about the future of our family it is always with the word, "if," we did in fact think that we could have another baby. Elliana was the proof of that, so we thought. She is unbelievably cute and so healthy, and we look at her and marvel that she's a Tomberlin. We entered cautiously into the joy of another pregnancy, having been robbed before, but we did enter. Adam actually did talk to my belly. I did jokingly try to get Adam to acquiesce to my requests stating, "Well, I am pregnant." I did the math and saw I would be out of the first trimester just in time to go on the first Lighthouse retreat for spring break. Laughably, being due in October, I tried to figure out if I could still make my niece's birthday cake for her 5th birthday in early October. 

And with essentially no warning, it all came to a screeching halt. I didn't even know of this little baby for two weeks before he or she slipped away. I had gotten up early to do my workout for the day, gotten Nolan ready for school, and before I got in the car to take him to school, I walked out of the bathroom with a knowing, heart wrenching feeling. Life inside of me was coming undone. 

I quietly cried in the car, wondering if maybe, just maybe, this time everything actually was ok. But I knew. 

I got home and went to the bathroom again. I knew. 

I walked out, and Adam just looked at me with a questioning look on his face. He, too, knows. I silently and subtly shook my head no, and he came and held me in his arms as this familiar reality settled on both of us. Another baby we'll never know. Another baby we won't adore. Another loss. 

The days and weeks and months that have followed have not been easy. I seemingly bounced back pretty quickly, knowing that my family couldn't have me spiral into a pit. I look at my three kids- I am unbelievably, immeasurably blessed. I look at them all as miracles at this point. I have savored Elliana's littleness all the more, feeling like maybe I didn't appreciate every day enough. Maybe this time around was my last, even though my heart longed for another about 5 minutes after we came home from the hospital with her. 

I have felt myself sink into some pretty low days. I ache in ways that seem different than with my other two losses. My heart feels so tender, bruised almost. Like a part of me wants everyone to know that I've walked through the valley, and please be kind to me because I am hanging on by a thread. And another part of me wants to keep my head bobbing above water with a grin on it because I'm blessed more than I deserve, dang it. I will force myself into joy and gratitude, even though I have to FIGHT to stay in that headspace, if I'm being so honest. 

When I first said the words out loud, "I had another miscarriage," I had let two weeks pass. I told my ladies group who had walked the darkness with me before, and this time I tried really hard to let them know they need not worry- I'm not drowning. I had just finished reading an amazing book, Gentle and Lowly, and for the first time of the three miscarriages, I really believed that God was sad with me. This was not punishment; I didn't lose another baby because I deserved it. His heart broke with mine. This shift in mindset helped tremendously this time around. 

As time passed, my resolve to believe God's heart for me clearly weakened without me paying close enough attention. Without knowing it, my confidence in my good God was shaky. 

I read Christy Nockel's book, The Life You Long For, and I was reading her chapter on her two miscarriages. She writes, "Do I believe that God had it in His heart to take my babies from me to teach me a lesson? No, not at all." And I just started crying. Because that's where I found myself once again. Clearly, I was a disappointment. Clearly, I needed yet another lesson on following Jesus. This is familiar mental stomping grounds for me. 

This morning my brother preached from Luke 24 when Jesus encounters some of His followers after the resurrection. The Scriptures say in verse 16 their eyes were kept from recognizing Him. It sounds like they had a lengthy conversation with Jesus Himself as they walked, yet they could not perceive that it was Jesus. The Man the Bible says they "had hoped that he was the one to redeem Israel (v. 21)." They knew Jesus face to face, and they were encountering Him face to face yet could not recognize Him. It says that Jesus explained all the things from Moses to the Prophets pertaining to Himself. When they finally sat down at the table to eat with this man they didn't realize was THE MAN, their eyes were opened. They recognized him. And then He vanished. Poof. Right before their eyes- gone. 

My bother did a really great job preaching from this passage, and I felt my insides respond on both points that he presented.

1. These followers of Jesus were disappointed with how things turned out. You know, with Jesus being crucified and all. They thought He was coming to redeem Israel. Their hopes and ideas did not line up with the reality in front of them. But Jesus was literally walking with them. LITERALLY. In the flesh, he walked with them and talked with them. And their eyes could not recognize him. His voice was not familiar. I can raise my hand and understand. This loss, this loss does not line up with what I was hoping for. AND I cannot see Jesus right now. I cannot recognize His voice. I do not understand the why, and my heart is still grieved.  

2. I had placed my hope in things other than Jesus, and my heart needed to repent. And I think that misplaced hope is part of why I struggled so much in the time after. Seeing as how that message was just a few hours ago, I'm confident I still need to sit in the conviction longer and ask God to search my heart for other misplaced hopes. 

We very much still want to grow our family, but we know (we KNOW) that there are no guarantees. Sorrow and joy have been so intricately woven together. We look at our kids and are deeply grateful, and we ache for what we've lost and what may never be. We delight in our three very unique children. We went to the beach for a fake-out Lighthouse retreat (a story for another time), and we loved watching them be out there. 

We also gave each other knowing looks and slid closer to each other in our spots in the sand. We see those three little boogers out there, and we want another. (Sidebar: It feels so indulgent to "wallow" that we may only have 3 kids, and I would never, ever, EVER talk about this with women who are begging God for their first. I know and recognize that I have more than some couples ever have). We thought my belly would be growing, and we would be making room in our home for another Tomberlin. 

This little Joy Bean held my hand as we walked in the sand, and I quietly let a couple of tears roll down my face. She never holds my hand to casually stroll, and it felt unbelievably special to have my daughter's hand in my own as she experienced the beach for the first time not as a baby. And I also knew that this could be my last time experiencing a first stroll with one of my toddlers. That joy and sorrow that walk hand in hand- I see it more and more as I get older. 

I do trust God is in this season, and my eyes have not perceived Him. Yet.