This One's For You, Adam!

Dear Adam,

Here comes a public letter of my admiration of your Daddy-ness. 

You are awesome. You are needed. You are so dearly loved. In case there is ever a doubt, you are absolutely a necessary part of this family's equation.  

The role you play in Nolan's life is not one I want to compete with. The relationship and bond you boys share is precious and priceless and part of what makes Nolan who he is. Your presence in his days makes him feel more confident and steady. I know this because we've been without you for the past 3.5 days. 

There's lots of talk about how wonderful and sacred the relationship is between mother and child. And obviously I know that Nolan loves me, needs me, wants me, etc. But I don't think dads get enough credit. So hear me when I say this: I so value your relationship with our son(s) and know you play a significant part in his (their) well being. I am not the only one doing the shaping, the nurturing, and the rearing. And boy, am I glad!

This parenting gig was meant to be a team effort. And I'm so glad you're on my team. Or I'm on yours. That we're in this together. I love the ways we balance each other out and let each other's strengths shine. I love that you light up our little boy's world with your silly antics. I love that you make him laugh harder than anyone else. 

I love that he's watching you, Adam. I'm so thankful that I'm not having to teach him how to be a man. Because that's just not my job. It's yours. And you're doing it so well. No, I wouldn't let him hold a razor this young, but he loves that you do that with him. I look forward to watching you teach him and train him in the ways of manhood (and have the sex talk, thankyouverymuch). Your voice in his life is so crucial. 

This son of ours, he missed you something fierce. He hoped upon hope with every sound he heard that you were coming home. Every time my phone rang. Every time we heard a knock. Every time he woke up. Daddy? And my heart both ached and soared. You, my love, are a fantastic dad. You're Daddy status in Nolan's life is on lock! 

We love you. We love your place in our family. We certainly felt incomplete without you. I doubt Nolan will show just how happy he is to see you tomorrow, but I know that his insides will be bursting with joy. His life will feel normal again, and he'll be safe in your arms. And inevitably, he'll demand to be in mine. Adam Tomberlin, you are a hunk of a husband and a heck of dad! I'm so happy to do life with you. 

Now come home. 
PLEASE.

Love,

Yours Truly 

10 Truths Tuesday

Just 10 things that are true for this Tomberlin family, in no particular order. 

1. Nolan, age 19 months, is currently obsessed with rhinos. He super loves animals right now, but the rhino has won his heart. His first encounter with one at the zoo has changed him forever (which in toddler time is like 2 weeks). When he talks to you about the rhino, he will definitely let you know it pooped. Yes. Nolan saw the rhino poop, and his world has never been the same since. 

This is Nolan looking at the rhino he so dearly loves. 

2. This pregnancy I've done some things differently. I've exercised a lot more than I ever did with Nolan, and I've resisted the urge to give in to my worst cravings. But lately I've completely succumbed to my desire for 2 things: avocado and banana peppers. YUM. They always sound good. Not necessarily together, though I have put them both on a salad or wrap. 

3. I've never really loved the season of spring, but I am very excited to transition seasons. VERY EXCITED. I'm over the cold temperatures. I'm tired of being indoors. Come on, Spring. I'm ready for you. Nolan's ready for you. Simba probably isn't ready for you, but that's okay. 

4. I helped my mom throw a bridal shower for my cousin last month, and I'm throwing one for my sister next month. Though a little tricky at times to work on  and shop for these shindigs with Nolan, I do find myself enjoying it. Not because I'm great at throwing a pinterest worthy party (I'm not), but because I really, really want the guest of honor to feel special. I want my sister to feel celebrated, loved, and cherished. That's what keeps me going on all of the details. And I love a reason to be crafty and creative. 

5. Nolan still loves my hair. It's very soothing and comforting for him to have his little hands in my hair. When I'm putting him to bed, he snuggles into my chest and interlocks his fingers in my hair, and that's pretty much his happy place. 

6. I've been treasuring these times as a family of 3. I keep thinking about how everything is going to change soon. But I felt that way right before Nolan was born too. I've never once in Nolan's life wished to go back to the days of just me and Adam. So, I'm trusting that to be true with Simba too. I am certainly aware that the transition could be hard on Nolan. Each night I pray for Nolan's sweet heart to be feel safe and sure and confident of his place in our family when Simba gets here. And I'm praying for a crazy early bond with his brother. 

7. Adam started a new job last week. A job we prayed and believed and prayed some more for. It's exciting to see him fired up, excited, and eager about this new position. 

8. Nolan's curls are still irresistible. 

We went through a season of Nolan insisting on being only in his diaper each morning. 

9. We are very much in the middle of basketball season. Adam has taught Nolan how to "thunder dunk" on his basketball hoop. And our little one and a half year old nugget has come to love watching basketball. Preferably with a basketball in his hands. How stinkin' cute is that?! 

10. This final truth goes with my karate chopping skills. I've been working to combat any anxiety regarding delivery with Scripture. Again, I'm not doing this to assure myself a "pass" on any hardships during delivery. I'm wanting to arm myself with Truth as my tools to fight fear. I might need to write all the verses I'm collecting on 3x5 cards to hang around the apartment in these final weeks of pregnancy. 

"I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure." Psalm 16:8-9

"For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God- his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:28-30

29 weeks

My Little Simba,

I got an e-mail today saying, "Your baby is coming in 11 weeks!" 11 weeks?! Is that possible?! Are we already to the point of counting down the weeks that are left? 11 weeks feels like nothing! Now, I have a feeling that in about 6 weeks I'll be seriously doubting the ability of my stomach to continue growing and accommodating you. But alas! I know it will. 

I don't say this out loud much, but I think it everyday: I cannot wait to hold you, baby boy. I'm so excited to snuggle your little self and feel your skin against mine. I want to wonder at your tiny toes and trace the outline of your perfect face. I want to hold you close and breathe you in. I'm so happy I get to be your Mama. 

I know lots of people will want to hold you and gaze at your you-ness. But can I tell you something? I'm probably not going to want to share. I will. But I probably won't want to. Because your tiny self changes into a bigger version so much faster than I even think is possible. You grow so much, so fast. 

I'm so excited (and a little nervous) for you to meet your big brother. Oh, he's just the best! Nolan will teach you all about jumping and spinning and animals and outside. He might be rough with you, baby boy. He might be sad at first when he doesn't get every bit of my attention. But let me tell you this- he is going to make you laugh! He is as silly as they come. He'll love you something fierce and be your first friend. And I'm so glad for that. 

I'm so curious to see you. Will you look like your big brother? Will you have dark hair? Will you get chunky cheeks or be long and lean? I can only smile and wonder right now. I know you'll be perfect. Because you'll be you. And you'll be  mine! 

Your Daddy and I love you more than you can fathom. Even when you do your circus acts in the most uncomfortable of places in my tummy. I'm so eager to meet you, Simba. To see your face and kiss your little cheeks. To lay you on my chest and feel your heart beat against me. Your Mama is already crazy about you! Keep growing. Keep getting stronger. 11 weeks will be come and go before we know it. 

I love you, baby boy.
Mama

Ps- Let's strike a mutual agreement that you're going to come out like a good boy and not take 3 days like your brother did. Ok, thanks.  

New Year's Anxieties

No resolutions here. 

As we usher in 2015, I can't help but be aware of some anxieties that have been heightened due to this new year. And seeing how it's January 6th, I'm being trying to be intentional about karate chopping these head on. 

:: We got a glimmer of hope on Sunday after attending yet another new church. But this one...this one might be it. You know what I mean? The church where we commit for better for worse we're giving it the ol' college try. Which is, um, what's the word-- FANTASTIC. It's small. The pastor has only been there 8 months (he's a Louisville fan, so....there's that unfortunate strike against him). There seem to be lots of young families. So, what's the concern? The concern is we settle into a church that doesn't look like the Church. This would be a concern anywhere. Are we caring for the oppressed? Do we take up the concerns of the poor? Are we a beacon of hope in our community? And the bigger concern-- if the church is still figuring those things out, how do we- Adam and Marissa- make that central to our lives without the help of our church? 

When we left Seattle, we had lots of tension about how we were living. We may have been allocating some resources towards those "less fortunate" than us, but  really, we felt like following Jesus required more. And as I work towards making this little apartment in Roswell feel like home, I can't help but wonder if we're about to recreate our Seattle life. And this gives me anxiety. Because 2015 needs to look different for this family. 

:: Our family is growing. We are so excited to bring another little boy into this home. And then I look at our home and think, "Help me, Jesus." Better stated, "Help us sleep, Jesus." Nolan and the wee man will share a room eventually. Until then, it'll be me, Adam, and Simba kickin' it in our room. And we all know how much fun it is to share a room with a newborn. That was dripping with sarcasm. I basically just stop myself from even thinking about coordinating naps, getting Nolan in a toddler bed, rearranging stuff to get the baby to sleep in the closet, etc. 

:: But the big dog of all of the anxieties-- I have to get this baby out of me. After birthing Nolan, Adam felt like having another child was not necessary because the trauma of getting Nolan out was too much. We quickly fell in love with Nolan and the fear of July 20, 2013 wore off. I honestly felt really good about things within months of delivery. Even in the early stages of this pregnancy, I was cool as a cucumber, always reassuring Adam that this time around would be so different. So much easier. 

Now, I'm approaching the 6 month marker of pregnancy. This baby is coming in a little over 3 months. April. In April this baby will find a way from inside of me to outside of me, and just typing that makes me want to cry. I'm not afraid of labor. I can do that. I did that for 72 hours. I can handle the pain, the fatigue. I don't think I realized how strong I was until I labored for 3 straight days and nights. I can do that again (to clarify, I won't do it that way again!!). It's the moments that followed Nolan's already scary entrance into the world that have me worried. 

In this day of medicine, women still die during childbirth. Is that not crazy to anyone else?! In the United States women die in hospitals surrounded by doctors while giving birth. And when I think about that being my fate, I cannot fathom anyone else raising Nolan. I cannot let myself think about Adam with Nolan and our newborn baby boy without me. Because it's too hard. And yet, the questions come-- What if I hemorrhage again? What if they can't stop it quickly enough? What if I have to look into the terrified face of my husband again as chaos ensues around us? What if I only get to see my baby boy from across the room as someone else gets to hold him first? 

And now comes the karate.

I know I have to combat these anxieties with Truth. I cannot control what will happen when it's time for our sweet boy to enter world. I can however look up. I can choose to behold Him who holds all the answers. Not because I want answers right now but because fixing me eyes on His character is going to be better than fixing my eyes on current circumstances. 

"I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways. I will delight in your statutes; I will not forget your word." Psalm 119: 15-16

"Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds." Psalm 36:5

"In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" Psalm 56: 4 

"but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 9:24 

In the midst of my anxiety, God is steadfast, a rock that is unmoving. I'm not treating Scripture like my crystal ball so I can be sure that I'll escape hardship. Rather, I'm choosing to disarm my anxieties by declaring who God is. Will I still struggle? Probably. But if I can only remember to keep looking up!

"Fear loses oxygen when every moment suspends itself under the purpose of bringing Him glory, of knowing His name and His nature." - Sara Hagerty in Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet

I'm not going to waste time bringing glory to my anxiety; instead, I'm going to choose to know and declare God's nature. So that in every piece of my story God is glorified. 

2014 Reflections

This past year has been a big year for the Tomberlins. And this post won't be a good summation of that year but some big things that are sticking with me from 2014. 

On Being A Mom
I'm a few days shy of completing my first full calendar year as a mom. Being Nolan's mom is one of the greatest joys of my life. But it's certainly not always easy. Those evenings when Nolan wants nothing but to be held by me while I need to cook dinner. Or when he doesn't like the meal I just made. Or when he closes his eyes while I'm trying to correct him-- those moments don't feel magical and beautiful. They are trying and annoying. What is beautiful and delightful is knowing Nolan feels safest with me. That we've cultivated a relationship that is unique and special and ours. 

I've learned in this year of parenting that most moms are doing the best they can. And all of us are trying to get this thing right. So when my friend tells me their kid goes to bed at 9? Cool. That's probably what's best for your family. My kid needs to be in bed at 7:30 for everyone's sanity. You only feed your family organic food? Right on. That's what's best for your family. You don't spank? You do spank? You don't let your kids have sugar? You still feed your 18 month old during the night? You think naps are overrated? Right on, Sister! You keep doing what's best for your family. 

I've been the recipient of critical statements about some of the choices I'm making as a parent. While I can still be offended at times, I usually remind myself that we're all doing the best we can. I have such greater compassion and grace and understanding for all of the moms and dads trying to figure out what's best. And of course everyone's best choice for their family looks different. But you won't find judgement here. Only grace. 

On Being Adam's Wife
Man, 2014 provided so many growing opportunities for our marriage. Moving across the country. Living with my parents. Job hunting. Moving again. Church hunting. It's been a wild ride. I actually wrote a post early this year about how marriage is hard sometimes. Our marriage felt hard at times. Thankfully, the bulk of 2014 was really, really good for us. I felt like more than any other year (all 3 of them), we were a team. I know this may sound ridiculous, but something about that 2 week road trip across the country made me fall more in love with Adam. 

I have strong opinions and convictions. Duh. I'm a Rodriguez. I often don't mind blazing the trail when it comes to those convictions. This year, I had real practice on submitting to Adam. On letting Adam lead our family as the head of our household. On choosing to listen to him and follow him. Even when I disagreed with his decision. It was hard for me to surrender this decision to the Lord and trust His leading in Adam. And it's still been hard to not look back on that decision and wonder. But even if this instance of submitting led to a decision I didn't like, I know affirming and respecting Adam's leadership is important. I do want him to feel confident that where he goes, I'm going too. 

On Looking For A Church
Oh my gosh. Let's talk exhaustion. We didn't have a church we were plugged into in Seattle. We left one of the most unchurched regions of the country and came to the land of churches aplenty. Yet here we are, 8 months after arriving in Georgia, and we've still not settled in somewhere. I feel strongly about not being a consumer, walking into churches with a checklist to see who will best fit my needs. Because that's not what the Church is. 

I have a whole bunch of thoughts on church but this isn't the time or place to start that conversation. But it's one of the things that really sticks out to me about 2014. I feel like we've been wanderers. We're ready and eager to commit and settle in with a body of believers, but the searching has been such a struggle. And it's WAY worse with a kid. He's going in and out of different nurseries. Like a champ, I might add. But it's so important to me that we find a church and get plugged in. 

We went to a baptism service recently. Everyone getting baptized was 7-12 years old. All of them made introduction videos about why they wanted to get baptized. ALL of them made a reference to one or both of their parents being influential in their faith decisions. And most of them talked about someone from church who also played a role in their decision. And I want that for Nolan, Simba, and all future Tomberlins- a church family that's coming alongside Adam and I as we do our best to point our kids to Jesus. 

On Being Back Home
Leaving Seattle was harder than I thought it would be. When I agreed to Adam's pleas and logic to move, I was pretty burnt out. Leaving seemed mostly inconsequential. I pictured us moving back to the south and finding ourselves perfectly happy in every sense of the word. Okay, no, not perfectly happy. But it would surely be a quick fix. Turns out, I missed the life we established for ourselves in Seattle. And adjusting to life back home took time. 

Finding balance between two families who love us took effort. Life without coaching was weird and foreign. Being in transition for so long was tiring. BUT having family (lots of it) around us has been amazing! I take great delight in seeing Nolan's budding relationships with his cousins. As in, he's obsessed with them. I love that he knows his grandparents and feels safe with them. I appreciate dinners at our parents' houses. I know I have eager babysitters within our families. Moving back was a good thing for our growing family. And I'm thankful to be so dearly loved by both sides of our family. 

2014...
was a good year. I got to celebrate my baby's first birthday AND find out another baby is on the way. I had the best time driving across the country with my best friend. I only got on an airplane once the entire year. ONCE. I eat Chick-fil-a about once a week, and I hope that never stops. I had an amazing week at the beach with my family, cousins included. My team won FCC Nationals. There were a lot of good things about 2014. It's hard to believe that we're really about to cross into another year. That we really lived life here in Georgia for 8 months to be the bulk of 2014. Crazy.

I'm thankful for what 2014 held for us. 
The good, the bad, the hard, and the wonderful.

I'm excited for 2015. 
Tomberlins party of 4, here we come! 

Delighted

I should be packing because we are moving. We're moving into an apartment exactly 7 months after arriving in Atlanta. 

But.

Yes, there's a but. 

Today, I got to experience one of the moments that felt like God stepped into my ordinary just to be with me. And it felt sacred. And holy. 

As I've been looking for the gifts God's giving me each day, I've started noticing them more. That's kind of the point of the 1000 gifts challenge, I do believe. As you name them, count them, and receive them, you start noticing your big God dwelling in your small days. In full disclosure, I wouldn't say that this processes has been a quick transformation. There are days that pass when I fail to see the gifts right before my eyes. 

But today, I had a few minutes of raw beauty that won't be adequately summed up in words. But I don't want to forget for me. So I can look back and remember. 

Nolan's been having some particularly frustrating toddler behavior, but he truly rocked it at the store today. ROCKED it. We came home to much needed outside time for my boy. 

I wish I could describe what fall does to me, but it really does awaken something inside of me. It reminds me of God's faithfulness and creativity. And I as I sat outside by the pond in my parents' neighborhood, my heart was already full. Then my feisty boy went running down the hill and off to find rocks all by himself. A fun activity that would normally require my presence every step of the way because he is in that clingy-ness right now. 

That little man came running up the hill so excited to see me sitting there, watching him, smiling at him. The wind blew those crazy curls of his, and he laughed into the crisp air, delighted with himself, with me. And on his face I could see the assurance and confidence that he is loved by his Mama. 

I teared up looking at him in those moments. He repeated this over and over. And each time he'd run up that hill and get to the point where I was back in view, his eyes would dance with joy, his belly would release little boy laughter. 

I sat and basked in those moments. I knew I was sitting in a moment where God was drawing me to Him. 

And I sat in those moments, receiving Truth. 
I delight in you, too. 

Me? Now? Like this? 

I looked out on the water and let my heart just be in this moment. 

I breathed it in. 

I'm delighted in by my Father. 

I wanted to doubly freeze time. I wanted to stay with Nolan in those moments. To watch him be wild and free. To see him be confident that he's loved and adored and safe with me. And I wanted to sit with Jesus in this most ordinary of moments to hear Him whisper again, I delight in you. So I, too, can be confident that I'm loved, adored, and safe with Him. Because I am not always so certain. 

I think I can write this one down for more than just 1 gift. 

These Days

I know that I have some inner tension that would love the opportunity to work itself out here, but I have been exhausted. Pregnancy will do that to you. Nolan's nap times have become my nap times. I trust that I'm going to escape the fatigue soon, so I have hopes of returning to my space again. 

But life with my boy goes on, and there are things that I'm loving right now. So, I must log them somewhere as not to forget them. 

Nolan's happy place is outside. On the day pictured above, it was especially windy. Nolan loved it. He was so confused at first, and he'd freeze to watch the affects of the wind. I love seeing his delight for nature. Also, the way he says outside is so stinkin' adorable, I can't help but give in just about every time that he asks. 

Nolan will sign, "please." He's gotten very good about signing it when he's asking for something. He knows how to sign please, more, and all done. Some times he just can't figure out how to get his message across, and he ends up signing those 3 signs over and over in frustration. 

One of my current favorite things about Noles is the way he backs up into our laps. Sometimes he'll start walking backwards a good 5-7 steps before he needs to, but then he'll plop down as close to our laps as possible. It's so stinkin' cute. He recently stopped giving kisses anytime I asked. One day I randomly said, "Nolan, can I please have a smooch?" He eagerly came at me with lips ready to kiss mine. He pretty much only gives kisses if they are referred to as smooches. 

Nolan will often come up from behind me to give me a hug or play with my ponytail. Which I LOVE when people play with my hair. So, sometimes I will ask, "Nolan, can you play with Mom's hair?" It usually lasts 7 seconds. I'll take it!

Nolan can be pretty hit or miss at meal times. If he likes what he's eating, he'll devour it. Otherwise, he can be a real treat. I do not love this Nolan feature. There are  many times that Adam has to relieve me at dinner because Nolan knows how to push my buttons. As in, he'll be defiant. Meal times continue to be a sanctifying time. 

The above picture would be his wink. My dad taught him how to wink at the dinner table one night. He did pretty good the first night, and since then, it's evolved into an exaggerated blink. But it's still cute. 

Nolan's growing, a little too fast for my liking some days. Knowing we have another baby on the way has changed how I look at Nolan. A part of me is sad to see the days of just the two of us go. I want to hold him longer and smooch him more. I want these days to be awesome because our lives will never be the same again come April. I anticipate them getting better, but for my little buddy, it might take some time for him to agree with me. So, when he hugs my neck super tight, I soak it in. As he pats my back, I notice and smile. A baby on the way is so exciting for us, but I'm living in the present, cherishing these days. 

It should be noted, I do not cherish the bad behavior. I mostly just imagine what it would be like to deal with it while holding a newborn. Oh man, it's going to be interesting. 

Life with Nolan is full and tiring and sweet and crazy. Toddlerhood is very different from babyhood- full of opinions, attitudes, unbridled laughter, silly antics, and some grumpies. But I think my toddler rocks!!