My Scattered Thoughts That Need To Land Somewhere

It's been a whopping 5.5 weeks into our first placement, and I have no beautiful post to present the amazing picture of the Gospel happening in homes all over the place through fostering. Not at all. If you start reading foster blogs like I sometimes do, there's people who write so eloquently and illustrate life as a foster parent so well, and I'm just not one of them. I also don't feel like one of those foster parents at all, and that might surface here in a bit. For now, I just give little pieces that I'm sure could all work together into a grace filled post, but it's.not.happening.

:: One of the truly shocking things for me is that my phone rings SO OFTEN now. And I have to answer it. Or if I don't answer it, I'm inevitably going to have a voicemail that requires a call back to someone. And lately, I've decided, if I'm able to answer it when it rings, answer it. Calling someone back fills me with dread. I do not like talking on the phone with random people. I never answer my phone for numbers I do not know. Scratch that. Previously, I never answered the phone for numbers I do not know. Now I do. Because I have to. Otherwise, my to-do list just gets longer.

:: My mind feels worn down. There's so much I'm trying to keep track of as far as appointments, visits, assessments, rules, policies, etc. It's so much. There are so many people who have a job that pertains to Sammy- his case manager, our family consultant, his attorney and advocate, the physical therapist, the transporter, the Babies Can't Wait advocate, the pediatrician- and they all run through me. 

:: I had a pretty sweet setup each day with a beautiful 2.5 hour (give or take) nap time every afternoon. Gone. Sammy doesn't take good naps. He's slept for over an hour at a time during the day literally 6 times in the last 5.5 weeks. So, now at nap time, I rush to get as much done as I can in the 45 minutes to an hour I have. The  good thing is that usually Sammy is quite content to play near me once he's awake. So, I can get other things done still. It's just not the same. But I'm thankful for his ability to play and roam and be curious.

:: Nolan continues to amaze me. His relentless pursuit of Sammy regardless of Sammy's response IS the picture of the Gospel I could present. I thought Nolan's care and interest in Sammy would wear off after 48 hours. No. It has continued and probably grown. When his teacher put him in the car one day last week, she said, "Oh there's Sammy! We keep hearing all about Sammy!" I smiled and again asked for a heart like Nolan's in regards to Sammy.

:: On a pretty regular basis, I assume every single person I can think of would be a better foster parent than me. Ok, that's too extreme. But you get what I mean. My selfishness and lack of holiness has been quite apparent. When I think about people fostering who don't love Jesus, I'm amazed. How? How do they do this outside of the strength of Jesus? Clearly there are people better suited for this than me. This has caused me to question so much about myself- am I really cut out for this? Do I really mean it when I say I want to love people who need to be loved? How is my 4 year old doing better at this than me? And this is one tiny guy who has minimal issues on paper. I pray pretty often that all of this is coming out just because it's our first placement. 

:: Adam came down in jeans this morning with a work shirt on, and I thought, "Mm! He looks handsome!" And I immediately got sad because asking someone to babysit our threesome for a date night seems like such a big request, and I don't know why. We had a double date scheduled back in August with friends that I'm now convinced will not happen. We'll need to get creative on how to have date nights in and make them seem special. 

:: Sometimes it feels like people want to hear us say this is hard. Like, there's a silent, "I told you so," they are holding back. As if Adam and I went on and on about how easy we thought this was going to be, when I don't remember ever doing that. People supporting us in the midst of this has been so odd. And I do think I'll write a full post about it once I process it further in my mind. Taking in Sammy has been way harder than adding a newborn of our own to our family, but the outpouring of help came so strong when I had Isaac. Not so much when we got Sammy. I remember so.many. gifts for Nolan as he adjusted to being a big brother. Isaac went through that same transition with zero notice, and no one did anything for him. I went an entire month without cooking dinner when I had Isaac, thanks to meals from other people. I was making dinner the literal next day with Sammy. Did anyone at church even suggest I take some time off to settle in with our new little guy? Nope! Maybe all the help when you have a baby is because of the physical toll it takes on mom to actually birth a baby. I don't know. That's all I can think of. It's something I hope I'm constantly aware of for other foster parents in my life. I'm thankful for our community group who regularly checked in on us and has provided meals and gift cards and diapers and wipes over the last several weeks.

:: As difficult and at times, lonely, these 5.5 weeks have been, I can say with certainty, I am for foster care. There are problems with the system, yes. There are so many unbelievable frustrations with DFCS, absolutely! Is there a better way to do this? I think about this on a pretty much daily basis. But Sammy and his siblings? They deserve to be well cared for. We are capable of opening our home up, and I'm glad that we are. It's a weighty thought that one day Sammy will share his story as a teenager or an adult, and we're a part of it now. The statistics are horrifying for foster kids as far as their future is concerned. I honestly hope he never remembers us because he'll get to go home to his mom sooner rather than later, but we're a part of his story. I pray his story is filled with redemption and Jesus. This kiddo spent his first birthday away from any family and with strangers (it actually wasn't with us- it was with a different foster family). But I really hope his next one is a true celebration of his life and the hope this entire family has moving forward.

:: Anytime I'm getting frustrated with Sammy, I remind myself that he is not mine. I remind myself that being comforted by me is not the same as the comfort he would find in his mom's embrace. She probably knows what every single whimper or scream means. She loves him wholeheartedly. And I'm motivated to love well. To care for him well. I have another mama's baby in my house. I want her to know he's being treasured and protected, that I'm fighting for his well being. I've been doing a study on the armor of God, and when I started mentally shifting this struggle to a spiritual battle, things changed for me. The enemy wants nothing but destruction for this little guy and his family. And honestly, probably my own destruction, too. But I choose to wage war for Sammy. When he's crying in the night, I'm asking for the peace of God to combat the darkness coming at Sammy. When I get caught up in the hard parts of fostering, I need to remind myself that the enemy wants me out of the game, too. 

:: This all quickly snowballed. Honestly, the majority of our days are pretty smooth. I owe much of that to the awesomeness of my boys. It's hard to explain. This feels like normal now. Taking three small boys everywhere feels normal. People give me weird looks. They often ask if there's a set of twins- to which I am so dumbfounded by! Who? Who would be the twins? There's a constant extra stressor in our lives now, and something new that's exposing parts of my heart that are holding onto doing things MY way. Instead of fully surrendering that to Jesus. Every single day I ask God to change my heart and make me more like Him. 

I wrote this post during nap time and was getting worked up as I kept going. When I saw Adam at dinner, I immediately broke down in his arms. It had all built up for too long and came oozing out. When I woke up this morning, I felt lighter and clearer about everything. I'm not taking anything back from what I wrote because it was most definitely the weight I was carrying yesterday. I imagine there are more heavy days to come, and there is more and more refining to come in this fostering journey. 

Just Writing It Down

I decided that I needed to make it a priority this weekend to get one on one time with my boys. We've had some big changes with Sammy coming to live with us and Nolan off to school, so though it takes a lot of thought and effort and manipulating of time to make these little dates happen, they are always worth it.

Let it be known that when Nolan goes on a date with me, he requests that I wear a dress and "look pretty." I think that means put make-up and earrings on. Basically- do this for real, Mama! 

So, at 10:30 this morning, I put a dress and earrings on, a quick swoosh of mascara and got my biggest boy into the van to head out.

We went to North Point Mall to go on the carousal. Nolan always wants to do this with me as a date, but it's 30 minutes away. So, we're looking at an hour of just travel time. But this time, I obliged. As we walked hand in hand through the mall, his little thumb was stroking my hand back and forth, just like I do to him. It was heart melting. As soon as we got off the carousal, he looked up at me and asked for another special thing to do on our date.

We walked back through the mall, and drove to the Barnes & Noble for some Starbucks and bookstore time. He ate a donut. We read several books together. I loved every second of my time with him. He never once whined. He never asked to buy anything. He was basically the most perfect version of himself, you know, that's just how dates go, right?! 

We headed home, and he sits in the back row of the van. So, I could easily look in my rear view mirror to see him. He caught me looking at him one time and he said, "I really liked doing those special things with you. Thank you for taking me on the merry go round and for my donut and for reading all those books." 

Cue the tears.

I choked them back and told him how much I loved our special time together and that being his mom is my favorite thing. 

Nolan started school on Thursday and that combined with his total sweetness, I could've dissolved into a puddle. Gosh, that kid can make me crazy. He can be so stubborn and defiant and exhaustingly anxious. But, he's also got a sweet, tender heart that loves me despite all of my mommy shortcomings. 

Time seems like a luxury I rarely fully appreciate. It's tricky and cruel at times, too. Some days I feel like time is crawling, and then I also frequently get to Saturday wondering, "How is this week already over?"

Because of the rapid rate in which my children change, it seems like it's constantly thrust in my face that this is childhood of theirs is so fleeting. So, I wanted to take the time when I should be writing thank you notes or making a dish for the potluck tomorrow to write this all down. I want to remember this time with Nolan that was too short but a gift nonetheless. 

I wish I had an iPhone on days like today, so I could take actual pictures of his sweet, perfect face as he looked down at me from the white tiger on the carousal, making sure I was still watching, still touching his leg as he went up and down. I wish we could've snapped a selfie of us sharing the tiniest bench in the kids section at the bookstore, as we read book after book after book. Or the look on his face as he finished his whole big donut with glee. But, the mental pictures will have to do. If I could relive that date with him each Saturday, I absolutely would do that. 

Oh, my precious Nolan. That little boy made me Mama, and for that I'll always be thankful. 

Nolan's first, first day of school!

10 Days In

Note: It is my 30th birthday today, and I wanted to do a birthday post for me just like I do for the boys. But, I wanted to try to get a few things out of my head.

We are 10 days in. We've had our first foster placement for 10 days now. It took all of about 4 hours before my selfishness was coming out. 4 hours, people. For the sake of his confidentiality, I'm going to call him Sammy. It took me literally 8 minutes to pick a name because his actual name is so perfect for him, there's just nothing else that would stick. 

Sammy is a very small one year old who came to us from another foster home where he had been for 10 days. The same amount of time that he'd been away from his two older siblings (7 and 9 year olds). And guess what- he came with almost nothing, hardly any information, and of course, no clue what was going on. 

It took us no time at all to realize this was hard. And I'm not going to even let my pride get in the way here. It's been hard. And it's only been 10 days.

My emotions continue to surprise me. One second my heart is actually aching for this little boy who has been taken from his mom and siblings, and the next I'm so annoyed with his fiery stubbornness that refuses to sleep. I can watch with delight his interactions with my boys, and I can be overcome with sadness at how hard it can be to make this little baby laugh. 

While Adam and I had to process out loud together every.single.night the first week, you know who has been crushing it? 

Nolan.

I literally just had tears spring to my eyes. I sit in amazement pretty much every day at the ways he loves Sammy and cares for him. It's been unreal and the most humbling thing to watch. Sammy does not often reward just anyone with giggles or smiles, but Nolan does not relent. It doesn't affect his attempts to play with, talk to, or love on this tiny boy. I've literally asked God to give me a heart like Nolan. 

One of the most exhausting things about the last week and a half is not that Sammy is a terrible sleeper some nights. It's that I find myself second guessing myself at every turn. Should I let him cry? Does he need to be held more? Is it a bad idea to keep giving him a bottle? Am I being a good enough fill-in mom for him? Is he getting enough of what he needs? It's unending. There's so much I don't know about him. And I'm so new to fostering, that I just have to keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide me. 

But it's hard.

Sammy got evaluated by Children First today. They basically decide if kids under three need further services like occupational therapy, physical therapy, etc. She did her assessment of Sammy and told me what she thought about the situation. And then she teared up and looked at me and said, "I know this is hard! I know you don't know what's going on or what to do. But you're doing it! Keep going! Your love and care could literally change the course of his life." And I wanted to cry into her shoulder and tell her that I needed to hear that so badly. 

I've been so confused why some people around me are carrying on as usual, expecting all the same things of me as before. And I want to scream, "I'M CARRYING A BURDEN I'VE NEVER CARRIED BEFORE!" I need a minute to figure this out. It's not that I'm caring for three children now. I felt ready for that change. And I actually love having another child in this home. I want another one (eventually). But this is unlike anything else I've ever done. The mental and emotional toll it's taken has been a huge surprise. 

Sammy is sweet and tiny and oh so cute! He's got a big ol' grin and a funny little laugh. I'm confident things will get better, and I can only imagine each placement is different. This guy has interrupted a well oiled routine over here, and I'm not surprised that ruffled my feathers. God is certainly using Sammy to further refine us and draw us closer to Him. 

My Nolan

Oh Nolan,

You are four! And something about you absolutely seems different. I don't know if it's because you're lean and trim, with no trace of baby fat. Or maybe it's the way you talk. I don't know. But you seem older, my little man. 

I can't believe I'm sending you to preschool next month. Though, you don't like to talk about it at all. I know for sure that you are going to love it. I know you are going to grow and learn and develop so much. I also know that you're going to love your teacher. I'm both so excited and so torn about sharing you with her. Once this crazy school phase starts, it feels like there's no going back. You really are crossing over into little boyhood instead of hanging onto toddlerhood.

This last week at the lake, you jumped off the dock and the boat, enjoyed boat rides, and looked...free. Like the fear that can so easily weigh you down, leaving you paralyzed, was lifted. You would still look for reassurance every once in a while that your float would make you pop right back up after jumping in, but for the most part, you just played. I can't tell you how happy I was FOR you. When you were sitting at the front of the boat with your face in the wind, I wanted to memorize your joy-filled face. It was amazing, Nolan!

Your inclination to pray for people at any given moment is so precious and dear. Your desire to welcome people into our home is one of my favorite things about you. You've decided you love helping me bake, and I hope this is something we can enjoy doing more the older you get. I love seeing glimpses of your tender heart towards others. 

Three year old Nolan was no walk in the park, my son. Parenting you was humbling. I questioned myself over and over. I wondered where you and I were missing each other. But I never, ever wavered in my love for you, Buddy. Three year old Nolan drew me closer to Jesus, and I should probably thank you for that some day. Having said all of that, I'm hopeful that this next year together is not quite as exhausting. 

Nolan Alex Tomberlin, I love you so much. Your smile lights up the room. Your laugh is contagious. Your genuine enthusiasm in pretty much anything is a gift! I hope you always appreciate the little things. You are a runner and an athlete. You love helping Daddy with his tools and doing "man things." You have an eye for cars, and it's sometimes still astounding. You are a smart boy, Nolan! 

I love you. I like you. I enjoy you, and I'm proud of you, son.

Love,
Mommy

Four

Nolan Alex Tomberlin is 4 years old. Four years ago he came into the world, and it was a grueling 3 days to make that happen. The doctors concluded that Nolan got stuck right at my pelvic bone because his head just would not mold to the birth canal to make for an easy delivery. Basically, he's been hard headed (LITERALLY) since birth. The doctor had to use a vacuum to get him out, and everyone commented that it was unbelievable that his head looked absolutely perfect- no cone shape, no signs of me pushing for THREE HOURS. Because- that is Nolan Tomberlin, people. Thick skulled. 

Nolan gets compliments and comments and copious amount of attention because of that head of hair. Everywhere we go people always talk about his hair. And, it is awesome, but he is starting to mention that he'd like short hair like his Daddy. I'm not sure at what point I'll let him make that decision, but I can assure you it's not today!

This was Nolan's reaction when I told him we needed to leave the lake where his cousins currently were. Nolan is still just as impressed and obsessed with Ryann, Alee, Valor, and Hope gets thrown in there because she's part of the package. It's odd to me but also precious how much he loves them. We spent two nights in North Carolina last month, he did this same thing when I told him we were leaving. 

Nolan and Isaac. Nolan is growing more and more fond of Isaac's constant presence but is so easily annoyed with him it's unreal. It's like he wants Isaac close but only in the exact way he's thinking in his mind. Since they started sharing a room 5 months ago, I've definitely seen Nolan's affection for his brother increase. Unprovoked, he will hug Isaac, try to comfort him, and protect him. But he will also shove him off the ottoman faster than you can blink. Is this just brothers? I don't know. 

One thing I absolutely love about Nolan is his unbridled joy for the simple things. His delight in popsicles or a song that he loves coming on the radio or seeing a construction site in action or his dad's sneak attack wrestling moves- it all can easily send him into an absolute fit of joy. I treasure this about him. 

Nolan is still napping every day- THANKYOUJESUS! He has turned into a pretty decent eater, though he certainly judges a meal by the way it looks. If I can get him to take a bite, he usually has no problem finishing it. He still loves hotdogs and fries. I cannot think of a fruit he doesn't love. His current favorite is peaches. He loves Life cereal, and I love the simplicity of that! As of late, he does not tire of peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and for that I must again say- THANKYOUJESUS! 

Nolan is Mr. Hospitality! It is so close to one of my favorite things about him. I hope we can encourage him in this! He is so quick to invite people to stay and eat, ask if they are hungry, etc. When other people are in our home, Nolan is the most selfless version of himself. It's almost shocking to see someone so young be so effortlessly intentional- is that possible? As a mom, I can only hope this means Nolan is always asking his friends over to our house. 

Without question, this past year has been the most humbling year mainly because of the force that is Nolan Tomberlin. I have a feeling there's a lot more to come, too. I love being his mom, but there are definitely days that I feel like he deserves better! And there are days that I want to cry because I just want to have fun with him but instead it feels like constant correcting. There are days of wondering, "Is actually anything getting through to him? Is anything sticking?" And then, I get to see that some of the most important things are. 

Today, at Chick-Fil-A, Isaac was nervous about the costumed cow being out. He kept looking around for it. Nolan started singing, "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me." He looked at Isaac and said, "Isaac. That's about God's love. Because God's love makes fear go away! Say no to fear!" I smiled and high-fived the kid in my head. And he of course went on to say, "Punch fear in the eyeballs!" Because that is my 4 year old, Nolan Alex Tomberlin. 

Tough Mudder

"So, you want to do a Tough Mudder?"

I got something along those lines in a text message from Adam back in February. Mutual friends were putting a group together to get a break on the registration price for a Tough Mudder in April. I did a quick google search of Tough Mudder, which led me to their website. I looked through the obstacles and read about the event. My actual reaction was, "Why would anyone want to do this?" 

But, I heard myself say, "I guess I'll go for it." 

10-12 mile course with 20+ obstacles a lot of them in the mud. 

I regretted signing up for it the second we handed over our money. 

I started training for it only by putting extra focus on my upper body strength (not my favorite) and really hitting the cardio. I started running with a friend once a week and running by myself once a week. I am not a runner, so this wasn't an enjoyable adjustment for me. 

As the weeks flew by, we arrived at the week of the Tough Mudder before I knew it. And I. was. anxious. I hated that I had signed up for this thing. Hated might be strong, but it's in the right neighborhood. The only other girl in the group had a change in plans 1 week before the event, so it would be me with 4 other guys, one of them being Adam. 

I kept my eyes on the prize- getting to eat a yummy meal that I wouldn't typically indulge in. 

You see, on our 1 year anniversary dinner, Adam and I were out to eat celebrating (I was about 8 weeks pregnant at this point). And we were talking about our first year, about the surprises both good and bad. Obviously, the fact that I was pregnant was a huge surprise. But Adam said so seriously, "I was surprised to find out you're not as tough as I thought you were." 

Blame it on the hormones, but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe he said that to me. 

[hindsight: I can believe it for so many reasons]

So, as silly as it sounds, I started to doubt my toughness in that very moment. Then Nolan's horrific birth experience happened. I really, really thought I was going to be able to deliver Nolan naturally, and I couldn't. And then I really doubted my toughness.

In the final days leading up to Tough Mudder, I tried to change my thoughts. "I am strong. I am tough. I can do this!" I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up with guys and their experience would be dulled by my lack of toughness. 

Right as we were about to start the event, Adam who was so amped up at this point looked at me and said, "Are you ready??" And I barely nodded my head and said, "Ready for it to be over." 

And then before I knew it, I started jogging, didn't look back, and focused on doing the next thing. 

The initial obstacles weren't so tough. In fact, after a few of them, I was annoyed that I had gotten so worked up about this. But in the back of my head, I just knew the hard ones were coming. I knew that they were just building up my confidence to tackle the hard ones. 

When we hit the halfway point with the obstacles, it was called Everest 2.0. You had to run up a slick quarter pipe over 15 feet tall. If you didn't make it to the top, you just slid down and tried again. This was an obstacle that really the guys weren't going to be able to help me with except for being hands I grabbed at the top. People were sliding down all over the place. We are muddy after all. When everyone in our group had made it, I knew I just needed to do it. Fully expecting to try numerous times. 

So, I sprinted at the wall, kept my legs moving as long as I could, and I made contact with hands at the top and was able to pull myself over. 

And after that point- I was done doubting myself. I still had about 6 miles of running left and at least 10 obstacles to go, but I stopped all the self doubting talk in my head. I could do this. I was strong enough. I had trained well for this.

By the time we had a couple miles left of trail running, much of it uphill, I slowly took off from the group. I was done pacing myself. I knew the finish was close, and I just ran. And I wasn't super fatigued (just incredibly hungry), so I wanted to run this thing to the end. So, I was the first one in our group to actually make it to the last obstacle, which I waited for them so we could all do it together. 

It really was a great and fun experience. And to be clear, many of the obstacles were collaborative and emphasized team work. This was by no means accomplished by myself. And I did fail at the hardest obstacle, but I did way better than I thought I would. And way better than any of the guys thought I would do. 

I would definitely sign up for another Tough Mudder. And I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Because I am tough enough! 

2 Years Old

I kept waiting and waiting for good light to take pictures of Isaac with the bear, and this morning I said, "Forget it! I'm doing it now!" So, the lighting isn't great, but I didn't want a whole month to pass by before getting this done.

At Isaac's 2 year check-up he weighed a few ounces shy of 30 pounds. I forget how long he is, but the doctor thinks he's going to be a big guy. I have a hard time envisioning it, except the kid can EAT! 

It seems fitting that Isaac's name means full of laughter because he is indeed FULL of laughter. And he's filled our home with laughter. Of course, no one makes him laugh quite like his brother can. Isaac calls Nolan, "No-no," and the day before Isaac turned 2, he said, "Nolan." I had actual tears in my eyes, but he switched back about 2 minutes later. 

Isaac was quite the Mama's boy this past year. He does adore his Daddy, but given the choice, he's going to pick his Mama every time. 

This kid- loves to eat! He loves the Cheetos that are pictured above! We only got Isaac 2 things for Christmas. A ball and that bag of Cheetos. He was so happy about both! He loves meatballs and pasta, hotdogs, just about all fruit, and is a pretty fantastic veggie eater, too! Isaac is generally willing to try anything I put in front of him, and I LOVE THAT about him! He can inhale something I made for dinner, but when I give him the leftovers for dinner a couple of days later, he's not so impressed. 

This guy is still sleeping in a crib with no plans to move him. He often goes BONKERS in his crib, and I just can't imagine him in a bed. He's a great sleeper, but ever since he started sharing a room with Nolan, he's been such a crazy guy! Jumping, falling, kicking, etc. He thinks it's hilarious. 

Isaac loves throwing rocks into water, dogs, getting very muddy, playing baseball, swinging, petting babies, and doing anything Nolan is doing. He's a great little communicator and has definitely started asserting his will often and loudly! And as he strings more and more words together, Nolan is finding that Isaac is standing up for himself more. 

 Isaac is a sweet boy who made having a one year old the absolute best! I'd happily do it all over again. But we all know that never happens, so I push myself to savor the 2 year old that he is.