Last weekend I had my first Biblical counseling training seminar. I hope to soon circle back around to all I loved about that weekend, but that's not the point of this post. One of the teachers gave us this illustration:
When you take a water bottle and smash it, water will go flying out of the bottle. Why? Why does the water go flying? Well, the quick answer is because you smashed it. But the actual answer? The water goes flying out of the bottle because there was water in the bottle.
There are several other illustrations of this same concept. You get it though.
Last weekend I had some heart checks about a few things.
And then my water bottle got smashed.
The stomach virus has been lingering around our house for one person or another for the last nine days. I got it first and definitely got the most mild version of it. It seemed to gain force with each passing day. Adam went down on Sunday (which- it's cruel in itself to have Daddy be bedridden on a weekend day. I can handle a week day. But the weekend? Come on! That's a teamwork day!) But then he left for a work retreat before the sun came up on Tuesday.
One of my takeaways from the weekend was to keep my focus on God's glory. Even wanting a little bit of glory for myself (which that can manifest itself in a lot of different ways) is self worship.
Side note: I've decided that Christians need to start calling sin as it is. We don't address sin enough these days. End side note.
So, the goal the whole time Adam was gone: God be glorified!
I knew that I'd be vulnerable with a week of no Adam just because- exhaustion. But then Isaac succumbed to the virus the morning Adam left, the final Tomberlin to fall. All Tuesday morning I kept God's glory at the forefront of my mind. I decided early on to relinquish any agenda I had for the day and just be with my sick child, just the one at the time. Things were going well until dinner. And by well I mean that Nolan was pushing my buttons, but that three year old was not getting the best of me. But dinner happened. I had planned on us eating quickly and then going for a walk in order to wear Nolan out before dinner.
But he was being so difficult.
And I was getting frustrated (nicer word for angry, am I right?)
He's been taking so long at the table lately. I'm talking 40 minutes and beyond. Tuesday night was no exception. And he was getting really sassy with the way he was talking to me, and I was NOT happy with him. His sin was amplifying my sin, or vice versa. But I recognized this. And you know what Nolan said to me? "Mommy, do you want to say sorry to me?" Ugh. NO!! DO YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY TO ME?! But I humbled myself. I apologized.
Before bed I reminded Nolan that he needed to be really quiet in the morning because Isaac was sick and needed to get all the sleep he could.
The next morning I heard Nolan crying well before the normal time that I get them, and I was angry (that's me calling sin what it is). I stood outside their door, took a deep breath, quoted Proverbs 15:1 to myself and walked in. It smelled horrendous in there. Isaac started crying in response to Nolan's crying, and I told Nolan he had to wait for me to come back while I changed Isaac's awful diarrhea diaper. Nolan cried the whole time I was out of his room.
When I came back into the room, I turned on the light, firmly said, "Nolan Tomberlin!" And then I saw him covered in vomit.
And I nearly fell to the floor in guilt.
Nolan was crying because he was sick and covered in old throw up. That's what smelled so horribly, not Isaac's diaper (though that was awful, too). As I started to apologize profusely and clean him up and assure him that Mommy always wants to help him, I just felt terrible. The words I used to text Adam were, "scum of the Earth."
But you know what happened? My water bottle was smashed, and my water came out.
And it was really yucky water apparently.
The rest of the day was basically non-stop cleaning up of bodily fluids. Nolan was a disaster all day. Isaac, thankfully, was super laid back, so all of my attention was on Nolan. It was a long, hard day. And a good ole dose of humble pie. I really did die to myself all day long. And you know what? I needed a good kick to the booty.
I cried that morning. Not just because I felt so horribly for treating Nolan so harshly, but this was a discouraging, humbling realization of where my heart was. But I got to repent right there in the midst of my awful morning, and ask God's grace to wash over me. And I can assure you I leaned hard into God's strength the rest of the day.
I'm thankful on days like yesterday that it's highly unlikely that Nolan will ever say, "Remember that time you let me cry in my dried vomit while you chose to help Isaac first because you were mad?" I'm thankful that my water bottle is getting smashed right now. I want these idols of the heart to come crashing down now. I want to die to self in these early years of my children's lives. This life of mine isn't about me. I pray that God can continue to refine me (gently is the preferred way). Not to say that I'm going to just "get it," and by the time my kids are teenagers I'll basically be a sanctified beauty. But I do trust that God is working in me.
This morning, Isaac was covered in diarrhea, and I thought to myself, "Oh sweet mercy! I can't endure another day!" But I didn't have to. Both boys improved as the day went on. I will say, when Nolan is hangry, oh my word, he's a bear! But I deserved a bear after yesterday to be honest.
When I held Isaac right before lowering him into his crib, the nightlight behind me cast a shadow of the two of us onto the wall. I stared at that shadow and took a mental picture. These moments are so fleeting. As I was spending some extra time with Nolan in his bed tonight, we were whispering on and on about fruit trees. He eventually said, "I've been thinking about fruit trees all day. I just needed to know about them." And I wanted to snuggle him forever.
I can only hope and pray I continue to die a little bit more each day. But oh sweet Jesus, please don't make it happen in the form of the stomach virus anymore!!!
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Nine Happenings with the Tomberlins
I've had so little margin lately but so many thoughts, so once again, I just need to break the blogging ice.
1. One weekend in January, Adam and I completed 20 HOURS of training for becoming foster parents. It was a lot of information. It was a lot to process. And when we left, I was overwhelmed with the amount of work we still had to do. But as of Thursday of last week, we completed everything we could've possibly done on our own. We got an e-mail today to set up our first home study (1 of 3). When I got the e-mail from our home study specialist, I wanted to jump up and down, but I was in a meeting. Realistically, the hardest parts of this journey are inevitably still to come, but it feels good to get working on the home stretch.
2. Not that long ago, we decided that we would go upstairs to read 30 minutes before we wanted to go to sleep, and I really, really hope we stay disciplined to continue doing this. Being the old people we are, that means we go upstairs by 9:30.
3. I stumbled upon a new baking blog recently, and I want to bake so many things every day now. One of my 2017 goals was to keep trying out new recipes (for dinner) and not fall into a slump of the same old recipes. The renewed spark in my love for baking as actually helped in my desire to cook yummy, healthy dinners for us. And I got a pressure cooker for Christmas, so I've been trying out new recipes the last few weeks trying to get good at it.
4. Isaac Dean has turned into quite the opinionated stinker, but he is so utterly adorable it's hard to discipline him with a straight face.
5. In efforts to prepare our home to welcome a child in foster care, we pulled the trigger and put Nolan in Isaac's room last week. I did it thinking that it would only last about .2 seconds. And I was pleasantly surprised. Nolan was over the moon excited to have a companion in the room with him, and Isaac wakes up each morning saying, "No-no?" Which is what he calls Nolan. It's pretty much precious. They even nap at the same time in the same room. This might still be the honeymoon phase, but it also might be just a beautiful and wonderful reality for us.
6. My sweet, sweet friend gifted me for my birthday a photo scavenger hunt date with Adam. Someone else thinking it was important for Adam and I to have fun and go on a date and be silly was one of the most thoughtful gifts a friend has given me. I really loving spending time with that guy.
1. One weekend in January, Adam and I completed 20 HOURS of training for becoming foster parents. It was a lot of information. It was a lot to process. And when we left, I was overwhelmed with the amount of work we still had to do. But as of Thursday of last week, we completed everything we could've possibly done on our own. We got an e-mail today to set up our first home study (1 of 3). When I got the e-mail from our home study specialist, I wanted to jump up and down, but I was in a meeting. Realistically, the hardest parts of this journey are inevitably still to come, but it feels good to get working on the home stretch.
2. Not that long ago, we decided that we would go upstairs to read 30 minutes before we wanted to go to sleep, and I really, really hope we stay disciplined to continue doing this. Being the old people we are, that means we go upstairs by 9:30.
3. I stumbled upon a new baking blog recently, and I want to bake so many things every day now. One of my 2017 goals was to keep trying out new recipes (for dinner) and not fall into a slump of the same old recipes. The renewed spark in my love for baking as actually helped in my desire to cook yummy, healthy dinners for us. And I got a pressure cooker for Christmas, so I've been trying out new recipes the last few weeks trying to get good at it.
4. Isaac Dean has turned into quite the opinionated stinker, but he is so utterly adorable it's hard to discipline him with a straight face.
The cutest little Falcons fans you ever did see!
5. In efforts to prepare our home to welcome a child in foster care, we pulled the trigger and put Nolan in Isaac's room last week. I did it thinking that it would only last about .2 seconds. And I was pleasantly surprised. Nolan was over the moon excited to have a companion in the room with him, and Isaac wakes up each morning saying, "No-no?" Which is what he calls Nolan. It's pretty much precious. They even nap at the same time in the same room. This might still be the honeymoon phase, but it also might be just a beautiful and wonderful reality for us.
6. My sweet, sweet friend gifted me for my birthday a photo scavenger hunt date with Adam. Someone else thinking it was important for Adam and I to have fun and go on a date and be silly was one of the most thoughtful gifts a friend has given me. I really loving spending time with that guy.
We were supposed to find a statue and do our best to replicate it.
7. One day I came down the stairs in jeans and our church shirt that volunteers wear on Sundays, and Nolan looked at me and said, "Mommy, you are so pretty!" I about melted. Because I can assure that I did not look so pretty. In fact, I felt quite worn down on the inside. That little boy has a tender heart, and when we catch glimpses of it, it's the cutest thing!
8. I've been reading the Bible cover to cover since August. I'm in Ezekiel right now. I've never read the Bible just straight through. I've come to the same conclusions several times. One, I'd like to get a chronological Bible. I think it would just be helpful! And two, I'm so thankful for Jesus.
9. Nolan is memorizing Bible verses like a BOSS these days. He can say several verses with very little prompting, and it makes me realize how important these young years are when it comes to training up our children.
9. Nolan is memorizing Bible verses like a BOSS these days. He can say several verses with very little prompting, and it makes me realize how important these young years are when it comes to training up our children.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
N O L A N
I love this picture.
Nolan has been adamant for months, maybe over a year that he does not like snow. Now, Nolan hasn't experienced snow since he was 19 months old. And it was a positive experience. But somewhere along the way, Nolan decided he didn't like snow, and he was not to be swayed.
In December, we went to a big Christmas light display, and it fake snowed. He nearly lost his mind. He was basically paralyzed with fear. It made me sad to watch him miss out on fun with his friends because he was so fixated on the fake snow.
At the beginning of the month it looked to be a sure thing that it would snow here. When people asked Nolan about it with excitement, he'd start to get visibly anxious, looking to me for assurance that it wasn't going to snow. And well, it snowed. It actually iced. With a tiny bit of snow on top of the ice.
Adam and I knew that he was going to be upset, and we knew that we were going to make him go outside and experience it.
And...
He loved it. Adam put him on the sled and took off.
And he laughed.
He liked hearing the crunch of the ice snow when we walked around. He liked seeing his boots make foot print. He just liked it.
Whatever made him believe that snow was scary was negated when he actually experienced it. I'm sure this will happen with him many more times in the future. He gets so sure of things. Because what he thinks becomes his truth. And sometimes his truth needs to be replaced with actual truth.
We didn't last very long outside. But it made me so happy to see his countenance actually change as he let loose and enjoyed himself outside.
Now, driving on the ice...whole different story.
Friday, December 30, 2016
A Look Back at 2016
Here we are, about to turn the calendars over again. Really? Another year is about to be completed. In the big picture of our country, this year has felt like a continuous punch to the face. I mean...Donald Trump is our President elect. I'm not even going down that road.
But instead of focusing on the face punches, I want a highlight reel for the Tomberlins.
Community Group- For the first time since we got married, we had a full year of committed and consistent community group. It was amazing. We had to really fight for this, but it.was.worth.it. We've had 2 couples welcome babies. Two couples bought their first houses. One couple walked through unthinkable heartache over the summer. We've eaten together, laughed together, grown together, served each other, prayed for each other, and after 12 months, we still really, really like each other. It's been a gift I didn't know we so badly needed.
We bought a house. Though I really, really thought this wasn't going to happen in 2016, it did! We bought a house in the neighborhood we loved on the very first day of looking at houses. There's been a lot of pros and cons to home ownership, and our to-do list is still about a mile long. But we have loved having a space that is ours. We get to do projects around our house, and though we often feel like our finances will never support our dreams for this place, we enjoy investing time and effort into our space.
One of the things that's really marked our life post house buying is that we enjoy and try to regularly open our home and table to others. Right now over our table it says, "Give thanks." But my heart for our kitchen table is that there's always room for you to belong here. I love having people over for dinner, not in an entertaining sort of way. I never do it fancy. And sometimes it actually does sound fun to make everything look just right, but I've learned to try to let people come be a part of our table as is (though, I do usually wipe it down). I have several meals that are "go-to" meals for when we have people over, and I assure you, NONE of them are fancy!
Beach Vacation. This really doesn't need much of an explanation. A week at the beach with my family was awesome. The last full day there, the waves were crazy big, and the whole day felt perfect. We enjoyed coffee on the gorgeous deck, were complete idiots and swam in the ocean with it's raging waves, and celebrated the dads. That last day was superb perfection.
I'm not pregnant! We are moving forward with our plan to foster/adopt to grow our family. I admit. I was weak right around the time Isaac turned 1. But once that mourning passed, I've held SUPER strong on this issue. It's weird not knowing that there will for sure be a baby in this house soon. Isaac still gets treated like a baby, even though he's just a few weeks away from being the same age Nolan was when Isaac arrived. C R A Z Y!
Counseling. I can't adequately explain the massive positive this was in 2016 for me and our whole family. I was in a tough spot spiritually going into counseling. Not because I was uninterested in my relationship with Christ, but because I felt so incredibly stuck. This was affecting my mom life in a major way. And I still have a long ways to go because- sanctification doesn't just happen after 3.5 months of counseling. But what a difference in my entire being to start focusing on who God is, studying His character, and repenting for all the sin that became just normal stuff. The books I've read, the Scripture I've memorized, it's been life changing. And I'll probably need reminders for the rest of my life to look UP.
WACO. Oh man, oh man! Roadtripping with Adam in October was so much fun!!! Which is good because we literally have not been on a date since that trip. We took that trip to celebrate (a little early) 5 years of marriage. It was amazing to take 5 days to just be Adam and Marissa. AMAZING. When I think back on our time together, I still smile because we so enjoyed being together doing even basic things like working out.
Looking back on the year, there's a lot for me to be thankful for. My family of four has been loved so well by our family and friends. I'm going to be honest, I'm a little nervous headed into 2017 with some recent developments, but I'm choosing to focus on God's faithfulness this year, praise Him for it, and trust that He's still going to be faithful next year, too.
But instead of focusing on the face punches, I want a highlight reel for the Tomberlins.
Community Group- For the first time since we got married, we had a full year of committed and consistent community group. It was amazing. We had to really fight for this, but it.was.worth.it. We've had 2 couples welcome babies. Two couples bought their first houses. One couple walked through unthinkable heartache over the summer. We've eaten together, laughed together, grown together, served each other, prayed for each other, and after 12 months, we still really, really like each other. It's been a gift I didn't know we so badly needed.
We bought a house. Though I really, really thought this wasn't going to happen in 2016, it did! We bought a house in the neighborhood we loved on the very first day of looking at houses. There's been a lot of pros and cons to home ownership, and our to-do list is still about a mile long. But we have loved having a space that is ours. We get to do projects around our house, and though we often feel like our finances will never support our dreams for this place, we enjoy investing time and effort into our space.
One of the things that's really marked our life post house buying is that we enjoy and try to regularly open our home and table to others. Right now over our table it says, "Give thanks." But my heart for our kitchen table is that there's always room for you to belong here. I love having people over for dinner, not in an entertaining sort of way. I never do it fancy. And sometimes it actually does sound fun to make everything look just right, but I've learned to try to let people come be a part of our table as is (though, I do usually wipe it down). I have several meals that are "go-to" meals for when we have people over, and I assure you, NONE of them are fancy!
Beach Vacation. This really doesn't need much of an explanation. A week at the beach with my family was awesome. The last full day there, the waves were crazy big, and the whole day felt perfect. We enjoyed coffee on the gorgeous deck, were complete idiots and swam in the ocean with it's raging waves, and celebrated the dads. That last day was superb perfection.
I'm not pregnant! We are moving forward with our plan to foster/adopt to grow our family. I admit. I was weak right around the time Isaac turned 1. But once that mourning passed, I've held SUPER strong on this issue. It's weird not knowing that there will for sure be a baby in this house soon. Isaac still gets treated like a baby, even though he's just a few weeks away from being the same age Nolan was when Isaac arrived. C R A Z Y!
Counseling. I can't adequately explain the massive positive this was in 2016 for me and our whole family. I was in a tough spot spiritually going into counseling. Not because I was uninterested in my relationship with Christ, but because I felt so incredibly stuck. This was affecting my mom life in a major way. And I still have a long ways to go because- sanctification doesn't just happen after 3.5 months of counseling. But what a difference in my entire being to start focusing on who God is, studying His character, and repenting for all the sin that became just normal stuff. The books I've read, the Scripture I've memorized, it's been life changing. And I'll probably need reminders for the rest of my life to look UP.
WACO. Oh man, oh man! Roadtripping with Adam in October was so much fun!!! Which is good because we literally have not been on a date since that trip. We took that trip to celebrate (a little early) 5 years of marriage. It was amazing to take 5 days to just be Adam and Marissa. AMAZING. When I think back on our time together, I still smile because we so enjoyed being together doing even basic things like working out.
Looking back on the year, there's a lot for me to be thankful for. My family of four has been loved so well by our family and friends. I'm going to be honest, I'm a little nervous headed into 2017 with some recent developments, but I'm choosing to focus on God's faithfulness this year, praise Him for it, and trust that He's still going to be faithful next year, too.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
One And a Half?
Isaac Dean,
You're one and a half now, and somehow, this feels harder than when you turned 1. The second time around, I knew that fresh one year olds were still very much babies. And, to put it quite plainly, you were a Momma's boy. So, though still a big milestone, it was gentle.
But now. Now I feel my baby slipping away from me. I see you moving more and more into toddlerhood and farther and farther away from babyhood. Praise the Lord your thighs are still quite squishy! But last Thursday, as you, me and Nolan went upstairs to brush teeth, you walked up them. You held onto the wall and walked up the stairs. You didn't crawl. And I just stared at you. With a little bit of sadness in my heart.
I generally try to embrace the growing up. Because there's lots of fun with the new stages. The past 6 months you have been irresistible to your dad and me. So, I can acknowledge that we could be headed for more and more cuteness with you. But I know the disciplining is coming. And so, I just want to pause in this sweetness knowing it has an expiration date.
You still lay that sweet head of yours on my shoulder. You still prefer to suck your thumb while holding my hair. You still call out for Mama when I simply go upstairs to do something. But I know that one time, it will be the last time you do these things. But I won't know to cherish it. Like the whole the stairs thing.
Over the weekend we went to celebrate Alee's birthday, and on Saturday night you woke up at 2 in the morning (very, very rare from you, sir) calling out for me. After off and on whimpering from you, I just laid you on my chest in my bed, and you slept soundly the rest of the night. Here's the thing. It wasn't comfortable for me- at all. My back was aching. I needed to readjust. You were putting your little foot in a really weird spot on my knee, and I didn't like it.
But I just savored every bit of it.
I wasn't doing much sleeping, so I tried to memorize and store up the feeling of you snuggled into me sound asleep. Because it was magical.
Isaac, I adore you and love you and enjoy you. You are a delight, usually. I don't want to freeze time necessarily, but I love this stage of you. Your giggle and voice are the best! When you lift your eyebrows and make your Oh! face, I'm done. You're just the cutest. I love you, sweet boy. At any moment now I know you could switch your allegiance to Daddy. So, each day that you love your Mama so fiercely is a gift!
You are a treasure, Isaac. I love you so much!
Love,
Mama
You're one and a half now, and somehow, this feels harder than when you turned 1. The second time around, I knew that fresh one year olds were still very much babies. And, to put it quite plainly, you were a Momma's boy. So, though still a big milestone, it was gentle.
But now. Now I feel my baby slipping away from me. I see you moving more and more into toddlerhood and farther and farther away from babyhood. Praise the Lord your thighs are still quite squishy! But last Thursday, as you, me and Nolan went upstairs to brush teeth, you walked up them. You held onto the wall and walked up the stairs. You didn't crawl. And I just stared at you. With a little bit of sadness in my heart.
I generally try to embrace the growing up. Because there's lots of fun with the new stages. The past 6 months you have been irresistible to your dad and me. So, I can acknowledge that we could be headed for more and more cuteness with you. But I know the disciplining is coming. And so, I just want to pause in this sweetness knowing it has an expiration date.
You still lay that sweet head of yours on my shoulder. You still prefer to suck your thumb while holding my hair. You still call out for Mama when I simply go upstairs to do something. But I know that one time, it will be the last time you do these things. But I won't know to cherish it. Like the whole the stairs thing.
Over the weekend we went to celebrate Alee's birthday, and on Saturday night you woke up at 2 in the morning (very, very rare from you, sir) calling out for me. After off and on whimpering from you, I just laid you on my chest in my bed, and you slept soundly the rest of the night. Here's the thing. It wasn't comfortable for me- at all. My back was aching. I needed to readjust. You were putting your little foot in a really weird spot on my knee, and I didn't like it.
But I just savored every bit of it.
I wasn't doing much sleeping, so I tried to memorize and store up the feeling of you snuggled into me sound asleep. Because it was magical.
Isaac, I adore you and love you and enjoy you. You are a delight, usually. I don't want to freeze time necessarily, but I love this stage of you. Your giggle and voice are the best! When you lift your eyebrows and make your Oh! face, I'm done. You're just the cutest. I love you, sweet boy. At any moment now I know you could switch your allegiance to Daddy. So, each day that you love your Mama so fiercely is a gift!
You are a treasure, Isaac. I love you so much!
Love,
Mama
Friday, October 14, 2016
I Chose Well
Adam and I went on a 4 night trip to celebrate our 5 year anniversary that's coming up in December. The thing about December is 1. it's already crazy with all of the holiday mayhem and 2. our kids are far more likely to be sick and disrupt our celebratory plans. We know this because the last 2 years their sickness ruined changed the plans we made.
We decided to do a road trip to Waco, Tx instead of a cruise to the Bahamas. And let me just say, we picked the right trip!! Hello, Hurricane Matthew. That plan would've been a disaster.
Adam and I decided that the road trip was going to provide more of the quality time that we wanted. Laid back. No urgency to see any sights. Our own schedule. And the Hampton Inn. Win, win, win, win.
I shed a few tears the day before we left, but for the most part, my anxiety about leaving my boys was quite mild. And once we pulled out of the driveway, there was very little anxious thinking at all. I had full confidence in the grandparent situations. And I was really needing a break.
I really can't put words to the giddy feeling I had for most of the trip. Spending so much uninterrupted time with Adam was so fun, so refreshing, and so needed. Not quite 5 years into marriage, and we're still in the "life is so much more fun together" stage. I'm not sure what I expected marriage to be like at this point, but it wasn't this.
But I'm oh so grateful that this is where we are right now. I'm thankful that we've chosen to embrace each other's differences that could drive us crazy (ok, ok, sometimes they do drive us crazy). I'm thankful that we try to not take things too seriously. We laugh so much and genuinely enjoy being together. I'm thankful for who Adam is as a man and as my husband. I'm thankful that we have real conversations about our crap, our dreams, our fears, and our learnings.
Being away with just Adam made me want to be go away more often. Of course I love and adore my children, but I also know that one of the most loving things I can do for them is to prioritize my marriage.
We got a lot of puzzled looks when we said we were driving to Waco for our anniversary. But, I would do it all over again. I hope I can hold onto how great those 5 days were for a long time. Also, we ate In-n-Out twice in less than 24 hours, and it just felt right. I love that Adam was so on board with that idea.
The fact that our story exists is such a testimony to God's grace in our lives. As the years go by, I'm more and more grateful to God for this man.
I chose well, people. I chose well.
We decided to do a road trip to Waco, Tx instead of a cruise to the Bahamas. And let me just say, we picked the right trip!! Hello, Hurricane Matthew. That plan would've been a disaster.
Adam and I decided that the road trip was going to provide more of the quality time that we wanted. Laid back. No urgency to see any sights. Our own schedule. And the Hampton Inn. Win, win, win, win.
I shed a few tears the day before we left, but for the most part, my anxiety about leaving my boys was quite mild. And once we pulled out of the driveway, there was very little anxious thinking at all. I had full confidence in the grandparent situations. And I was really needing a break.
I really can't put words to the giddy feeling I had for most of the trip. Spending so much uninterrupted time with Adam was so fun, so refreshing, and so needed. Not quite 5 years into marriage, and we're still in the "life is so much more fun together" stage. I'm not sure what I expected marriage to be like at this point, but it wasn't this.
But I'm oh so grateful that this is where we are right now. I'm thankful that we've chosen to embrace each other's differences that could drive us crazy (ok, ok, sometimes they do drive us crazy). I'm thankful that we try to not take things too seriously. We laugh so much and genuinely enjoy being together. I'm thankful for who Adam is as a man and as my husband. I'm thankful that we have real conversations about our crap, our dreams, our fears, and our learnings.
Being away with just Adam made me want to be go away more often. Of course I love and adore my children, but I also know that one of the most loving things I can do for them is to prioritize my marriage.
We got a lot of puzzled looks when we said we were driving to Waco for our anniversary. But, I would do it all over again. I hope I can hold onto how great those 5 days were for a long time. Also, we ate In-n-Out twice in less than 24 hours, and it just felt right. I love that Adam was so on board with that idea.
The fact that our story exists is such a testimony to God's grace in our lives. As the years go by, I'm more and more grateful to God for this man.
I chose well, people. I chose well.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
How Looking At My Sin Has Made Me A Better Mom
Though it's been quiet on the blog for the last 6+ weeks, it rarely is in real life. And I mean that literally and metaphorically.
For the last 7 weeks I've been receiving Biblical counseling from a local church (that's not my own) ministry. It's been not what I expected at all. There is a lot of homework to do each week. There's a lot of reading. And it's.been.amazing.
I'm still in the midst of working through some stuff, but I can already see how God in His kindness and mercy has been doing a good work in my heart.
Nolan and I had some hard days this summer. Days that may have actually felt like weeks. I couldn't figure out what was going on with us. I didn't know who this little boy was that screamed at me in such defiance. I couldn't understand his repeated disobedience. It seemed like I was failing on every front. I was so discouraged. There was a day that Nolan and I went to battle so many times, that when Adam got home from work, he just packed the kids up and left so I could be in the house by myself (that's a good man!!).
Here I was, so sure that God was stirring up dreams and visions for me that He had placed in my heart years ago about bringing the unlovable children into my home and family, and I couldn't even figure out how to mother Nolan. Why in the world would God entrust other people's kids into my care if I couldn't handle the ones I had??
I wrote a blog post back in July that I really and truly wept through as I wrote it (I took it down after 24 hours) because I felt like I was missing out on some of "the best times" of my kid's life because we were having these tough, stubborn battles of the will.
As I started counseling at the end of July, a much needed shift happened for me. I was assigned books and sermons and Bible passages that forced me to look up at my holy, perfect, lacking absolutely nothing God. In the midst of studying His character and attributes, I began to realize just how small, wretched, and desperate Marissa is. I took good, long looks at my sin, and I crumbled to my knees in both gratitude and repentance. The fact that I have been given the righteousness of Christ is beyond humbling.
Somewhere along the way of this life, I started to humanize God and shorten the chasm between me and Him. How pompous of me! It is only because of the work of the Holy Spirit that this wrong and sinful way of thinking is being corrected.
But as God is being returned to His rightful place in my mind and heart, things at home are changing, too. When parenting becomes about me, it will surely end in failure. But as I fix my eyes on Jesus and set my sights on the glory of God, parenting becomes about Him. Making dinner, changing diapers, doing all the laundry, training Nolan to obey, teaching Scripture, going on walks, praying for owies- all for the glory of God. And you know what, that may sound extreme and all too spiritual. I can assure you that I don't wipe booties thinking about who God is, but it's that I've set my heart and my life to be about God's kingdom, God's glory and not my own.
I'm writing this all down not because I think I'm great, but quite the opposite. I think the enemy wants to keep me in a place where I'm sitting on the throne of my own life because it leads to destruction. And I want to be able to come back and remember. Remember that I am a sinful person in need of a Savior and by God's grace alone, I've been rescued.
At church on Sunday we sang the song Ever Be, and I could've easily dissolved into a puddle. As I've been forced to acknowledge my depravity and be so saddened by the condition of my heart, I can't help but want to praise God for His work in me. May His praise always and ever be on my lips!
I'm absolutely and always will be a work in progress, but I'm thankful that there is work in progress in me. All glory to God!
For the last 7 weeks I've been receiving Biblical counseling from a local church (that's not my own) ministry. It's been not what I expected at all. There is a lot of homework to do each week. There's a lot of reading. And it's.been.amazing.
I'm still in the midst of working through some stuff, but I can already see how God in His kindness and mercy has been doing a good work in my heart.
Nolan and I had some hard days this summer. Days that may have actually felt like weeks. I couldn't figure out what was going on with us. I didn't know who this little boy was that screamed at me in such defiance. I couldn't understand his repeated disobedience. It seemed like I was failing on every front. I was so discouraged. There was a day that Nolan and I went to battle so many times, that when Adam got home from work, he just packed the kids up and left so I could be in the house by myself (that's a good man!!).
Here I was, so sure that God was stirring up dreams and visions for me that He had placed in my heart years ago about bringing the unlovable children into my home and family, and I couldn't even figure out how to mother Nolan. Why in the world would God entrust other people's kids into my care if I couldn't handle the ones I had??
I wrote a blog post back in July that I really and truly wept through as I wrote it (I took it down after 24 hours) because I felt like I was missing out on some of "the best times" of my kid's life because we were having these tough, stubborn battles of the will.
As I started counseling at the end of July, a much needed shift happened for me. I was assigned books and sermons and Bible passages that forced me to look up at my holy, perfect, lacking absolutely nothing God. In the midst of studying His character and attributes, I began to realize just how small, wretched, and desperate Marissa is. I took good, long looks at my sin, and I crumbled to my knees in both gratitude and repentance. The fact that I have been given the righteousness of Christ is beyond humbling.
Somewhere along the way of this life, I started to humanize God and shorten the chasm between me and Him. How pompous of me! It is only because of the work of the Holy Spirit that this wrong and sinful way of thinking is being corrected.
But as God is being returned to His rightful place in my mind and heart, things at home are changing, too. When parenting becomes about me, it will surely end in failure. But as I fix my eyes on Jesus and set my sights on the glory of God, parenting becomes about Him. Making dinner, changing diapers, doing all the laundry, training Nolan to obey, teaching Scripture, going on walks, praying for owies- all for the glory of God. And you know what, that may sound extreme and all too spiritual. I can assure you that I don't wipe booties thinking about who God is, but it's that I've set my heart and my life to be about God's kingdom, God's glory and not my own.
I'm writing this all down not because I think I'm great, but quite the opposite. I think the enemy wants to keep me in a place where I'm sitting on the throne of my own life because it leads to destruction. And I want to be able to come back and remember. Remember that I am a sinful person in need of a Savior and by God's grace alone, I've been rescued.
At church on Sunday we sang the song Ever Be, and I could've easily dissolved into a puddle. As I've been forced to acknowledge my depravity and be so saddened by the condition of my heart, I can't help but want to praise God for His work in me. May His praise always and ever be on my lips!
I'm absolutely and always will be a work in progress, but I'm thankful that there is work in progress in me. All glory to God!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)