My Girl

 My Happy Big Girl,

You are two!! Which technically means, you are no longer a baby. But you most certainly are still my baby. You are perpetual sunshine and joy in this house, and we all love you so much. Sometimes when you are squealing with absolute glee while playing with your brothers and your Daddy, I will wonder, "What would we have done without her?" Because it seems like we all needed you here with us. 

I'm convinced that 1 year olds hold a special magic, and I think maybe you were the most magical of them all. Your one year old life was lived through hard days. The pandemic continued to at times smother us with fear, stress, and worry. But it was no match for your joy. Now, we have been fortunate that covid has not produced dire despair close to home, like it has for others. But the weight of these days was sometimes overwhelming. But then you would lay your little self against me, and you would settle that perfect head against my shoulder, grabbing my hair for security, and I would breathe you in. Deeply. Holding you close and rocking both of us. Daddy and I take turns putting you to bed each night, and I think we both needed those moments of slowing down to hold you close. It steadied us in the midst of so much darkness. 

We are all crazy about you. Your laugh. Your smile. The way you babble with so much certainty, though we have no clue what you are saying. You are so easy to love, so easy to enjoy. You are everyone's favorite girl, Elliana. 

We walked through a really hard season before you came into the world, and we walked through some more hard this year that has us holding onto you tight. For the first time, I felt sadness about this milestone of your life. I have delighted in every bit of your growth, just to the brim grateful that you were here with us. But I confess that I have felt sadness creep in as I watch you stomp right on out of the baby years and into more independence. While I know that I am actually so happy that you are healthy and capable to do that stomping, it has tugged on my mama heart differently this year. 

I know I won't always be the best part of your days, so I'm staying present right now, savoring who you are and storing up all these precious days and moments with you. Elliana Joy, you are a JOY and a delight. I couldn't love you more. 

I want to give you a bear hug!! I love you, big girl. Always and forever!

Love,

Mommy

Year 2 of Elliana

 I cannot believe Elliana is 2. I love, love, love my kids as 1 year olds, and Elliana did not disappoint. Most of her precious life has been during the pandemic. In a world of so much sadness and chaos and uncertainty, oh my gracious, I'm so thankful we had Elliana Joy to be a perpetual bright spot. 

Obviously, a lot changes in the year between turning 1 and turning 2. Like, she couldn't even walk a year ago. She figured it out mid September, and she quickly progressed from walking to running because she is a third child. Adam started when she was way too little (in my opinion) walking on the road for neighborhood walks, and she would be just utterly thrilled with herself. Adam has so many cute videos of the two of them on walks together. 

I heard so many times that Nolan and Isaac are "all boy." Well. Elliana is definitely a girl. She cares about what she wears, and anytime she puts a dress on, she wants her daddy to see her and dote on her. She is currently on a tie-dye kick. She wants to wear it every.single.day. She will throw an actual fit about not liking what I want to put on her. It seems like she has far more emotions than the boys! But it's perhaps just the way she expresses her feelings that's different. While she's a bit of a girly girl, she can also march around outside in the mud with the boys and hold her own. I love the balance!

Elliana is the sibling that is pretty much always well received. The boys do get frustrated with her at times, but for the large majority, she is met with adoration and affection from the boys. Sometimes too much. 

Elliana is a mama's girl through and through right now. Like with my boys, I expect her allegiance to change eventually. But for the time being, her first choice is Mommy. Because of Covid, I'm convinced our bond is stronger. She does still test my patience with her opinions and feelings, but she has been a healing balm to my heart in so many ways. She loves pulling up a chair to bake with me at the island. Sometimes she even likes when I put on my workout. And I've become increasingly aware- this girl is watching me. And it's scary! 

There is possibly no one more smitten with Elliana than her Daddy. The amount of times Adam just smiles at her and says, "She's the cutest girl in the whole world," or something like that- too many to count! Sometimes we'll watch videos or look at pictures after the kids go to bed, and he'll ask, "Should we go get her up?" And I think he actually would. He loves her so much! I'm confident Elliana has been a force of healing in Adam's heart, too. 

This one- she gets so excited about the littlest things. Her smile is literally the best. She loves being tickled and chased. She loves chocolate, and she'll often grab candy in the checkout lines at stores, exclaiming, "CHOCOLATE!" She has watched and danced to Every Move I Make at least 1,000 times- not exaggerating!! She LOVES my parents' dog, Jax. She loves the beach! She's probably my best dinner eater of the 3 (comparing them as 2 year olds). She still sleeps with her pacifiers, and it will be tough for her to stop. This girl- she's irresistible! I'm so, so thankful for her! I always said that I would be happy with all boys, but I was wrong. I desperately needed Elliana Joy. 

The brightest sunshine there ever was!! Elliana Joy, I'm your biggest fan! 

8 Years of Nolan

 Nolan Alex is eight years old! 

This past year Nolan did first grade at our public school. It was a very bizarre year in the midst of the pandemic, BUT! Nolan had an amazing teacher who really cared about him. He did really, really well in almost all areas of school, and we learned that he does not have a math brain. 

Nolan is CRAZY about animals and nature! He loves learning facts about any and all creatures. He is especially interested in reptiles right now. He has spent HOURS outside catching and releasing lizards. When we were at Lighthouse for a retreat, he caught 50+ lizards that week. 

Nolan, Isaac, and Adam have all become quite the fishermen. It all started during COVID, but they have come to really love it. Freezing cold, blazing hot- they will go. Nolan loves watching YouTube videos about fishing. He says he wants to grow up to "be a fisherman and catch bigger and better bass." That's what he wrote over and over in first grade when asked what he wanted to be when he's older. 

Nolan ADORES Elliana, and is a very, very good big brother to her. For the longest time Elliana called both boys, "Isaac." But she figured it out eventually and is quite fond of both her brothers, but Nolan is especially good with her. When Adam and I debated keeping Elliana in Georgia while the boys went to North Carolina during our anniversary trip, I ultimately decided she needed to stay with Nolan because she was so attached to him. I knew he would help her feel safe. 

Nolan is a super smart, very athletic kid. He really likes to be right. He gets along with pretty much everyone at school, and his teachers RAVE about him. He's such a good reader. He's still fast as lightning. He can down a hamburger. He's actually a great dancer, thanks to all of the go noodle dances he did at school. I love when he lets loose and starts dancing. He's starting to develop a good sense of humor and is getting the hang of comedic timing. He challenges me in so many ways, and I fail so often. I don't know if it's because he's the first or because we are prone to butt heads, but he sure does keep me humble. 

Oh, Nolan, you sure are cute!! I love you more than you'll ever know!

How Can It Be 8?

 Dear Nolan, 

Eight years ago my torturously long labor finally came to an end, and you were born. You came into our lives and changed them forever. And somehow that tiny baby I held for the first time is now a big eight year old with missing teeth. While I wouldn't say time has flown, it does seem downright crazy that you have been ours for 8 years. 

You are such a smart kid. With the exception of math, school seemed effortless for you this past year. You really are like a sponge, soaking up information. I am sometimes stunned at your willingness to stay focused on a topic to learn all that you can. I gave you the paper plate award- Fact Master- because you want the facts. You want to challenge anything that contradicts what you've learned, and you will challenge anything. Except at school. 

One of the things I really, really love about you, buddy, is how much you care and love Elliana. You are a protective big brother to her, and I really do trust you to look out for her. She asks you pretty much every day to take her upstairs to play peekaboo in her room, and pretty much every day you oblige. You have such a tender heart towards her, and I love it. I think you both will miss each other when school starts in a couple of weeks. 

There are a lot of things that stand out to me about you, but one that happened recently, I want to remember. You probably won't. You found a small pad of paper, and you asked if you could have it. I asked why you wanted it, and you said that you wanted to write poem and songs to Jesus. Pretty effective way to get what you asked for because how I was going to tell you no? You haven't done much writing on the notepad, but one of the pages has a line written on it that says, "Jesus, you are my savior." I pray that you cling to Jesus for all your days. There's nothing else I want more for you than that. 

You are still incredibly fast, likable, and an avid animal lover! We're starting to notice you've got some wit, too. You have made me genuinely laugh out loud because of your clever comments and impressions. It's so fun to have you learn things like comedic timing. Definitely makes your dad proud! 

I love you so much, Nolan. I have failed you many times, and you always forgive me. I hope you know that I really do love you. I really do like you. I really do enjoy you. And I really am proud of you. 

I'm looking forward to another lap around the sun with you, Bud!

Love you forever!

Mommy

My Rhino

 Dear Isaac,

Against all instruction from your mother, you turned six. SIX! You often seem older than that because of the ways you strive to keep up with Nolan. In fact, as I think about it, you seem less and less like a little kid. And I don't like it. I do know that you are still a little kid, but it's not unusual to see you holding your own with the other elementary school boys in the neighborhood. You can be one tough kid! 

You are such a fun boy, Isaac. God made you in such a way that people just enjoy being around you. You will play anything. You will run, tackle, jump, race, bike, or anything else to join in the fun. You are good at being physical, and you do not seem deterred if you are the smallest in the gang. You still go for it. I love that about you. 

You also have a tender and squishy heart. You like for everyone to be happy, not just you. You are quick to share, even on your actual birthday when you don't have to. This year you got a dinosaur painting kit. It came with 4 dinosaurs to paint, and you let Nolan paint 2 of them. I think you so enjoy doing things with Nolan that you are able to recognize that sharing the experience is more important than hoarding the items. People ARE more important to you. 

You are a good big brother, Isaac. I hope you love and look out for Elliana always. You have good protective instincts, and we joke that you have the finesse of a rhino. So, I think of that as a good combination when it comes to protecting your sister. She gets genuinely excited to see you, and you love that about her. (Who wouldn't?!) I can just hear you excitedly screaming, "ELLIE!" 

My big six year old, I love you. I love who you are growing into, and I'm so glad I get to be the one cheering you on. When your PE teacher asked you what the best part of your birthday was, you answered, "Going on a date with my mom." And I teared up immediately. You are sweet to your Mama. Let's not stop that anytime soon! 

I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. I'm proud of you.

Love you always,

Mommy

Isaac is 6!!

 I don't know what crafty magic has caused time to move forward at uncomfortable, unbelievable speeds. But Isaac is 6 years old. It just doesn't seem possible that he's moved on from being able to show you how old he is with just one hand. Now he needs 2. It's sorcery or something. 

Isaac has done Pre-K this year at the same school he was at last year. He's come a long way, too! He's starting to sound out words and does his reading homework really well. He is the oldest kid in his class, and his teachers can tell. They told me he's definitely a leader, and they can count on him to be on task. I've taught Pre-K. I know that's not true of A LOT of boys this age. It was a big bummer for me to not be able to have any involvement in his class at all due to Covid. I'm thankful he was able to go to school, but it made for a different year. 

Isaac is still my tender hearted kid, sometimes overly sensitive. It's hard to figure out if in certain situations he truly feels things more deeply or if he's milking it. Right now, empathy is not hard for him. Something I hope we can foster in him as he gets older. I'm convinced at least half of his tearful outbursts are because his feelings are hurt, not his body. 

Speaking of which- the kid is rock solid! We joke that his spirit animal is a rhino. When he runs at you full force, brace yourself or move out of his way! If we let our kids play football, he could really be a star. He weighs only 2 pounds less than Nolan, and he loves that! He is perpetually trying to hang with Nolan at everything. It will not surprise me if he is a good athlete. He LOVED playing soccer this spring, and he's got the tenacity to be quite the force on the field. It's so fun to watch him play. I looked forward to it each week. 

Isaac still loves baking with me. He's really getting good at it, too. He helps me enough that when I ask him what ingredient is next, he probably has a good guess. He loves cracking the eggs the most!

All in all, Isaac is an easy kid. So fun, so enthusiastic, so generally happy! He goes with the flow. He adapts when necessary. He is quick to help. I am nervous that I see some people pleasing tendencies in him, but I know that I'm also very sensitive to middle children. But he does get upset when he knows I'm disappointed. I have to be really careful with how I react to simple mistakes because he overreacts to them. He's watched some struggles we've had with Nolan and makes an effort to NOT do those things. While the thought of having a kid who wants to make me happy is alluring, I know that under that could be a lot of insecurity. I've got my eye on that one! 

Isaac ADORES Elliana. He mentions her cuteness multiple times a day, and he is just thrilled to have her around. She is getting to the age that she can annoy him by messing up his play space, but for the most part, he delights in her and every thing she does. When he comes to me crying, he quickly also looks for Elliana for a hug. I'm not sure whose hug is more comforting- hers or mine. 

Isaac Dean- the kid who had the "best day ever" at least 100 times in the past year. He loves big (and hard!) and is easy to enjoy! I can't believe kindergarten is on the horizon for that kid! 

An Altar of Remembrance

 I'm choosing to write this down to be a reminder to me of God's kindness.

Thursday was Isaac's birthday. Now, we love birthdays. I, especially, love celebrating my people's birthdays! Isaac's birthdays have not been ideal the last couple of years. When he turned 4, Nolan was sick with a virus that was super weird and to put it plainly, people didn't want to be around him. Thankfully, my brother's kids were in town and DID come. That was the redemption piece. His 5th birthday we were are the very beginning of the pandemic, and we were still under shelter in place orders. He did end up having a great day, but it was still not ideal. This year, this was his year! 

I had struggled big time to figure out a plan to celebrate Isaac, include family, somehow make him feel like he's having a party, all while still being really cautious about Covid. My brain hurt trying to figure it out and thinking through all of the possibilities and how to make everyone happy. We had a plan though.

Thursday didn't go quite to plan. And being the awesome kid Isaac is, he seemed to just roll with the punches. I, however, was not feeling so great about things. I really felt like Isaac deserved some birthday wins after his past experiences. But I admittedly felt defeated and discouraged after putting that 6 year old down for bed. 

We had our eyes on Saturday, which was going to be the cousin sleepover AND impromptu party because he invited the neighborhood kids to join in. Saturday's forecast was truly miserable. His birthday requests were: water balloons, jumping on the trampoline while Daddy sprayed them with the hose, and playing the Wii with his cousins. We were forecasted to get storms, possibly severe, all day Saturday. Literally a storm cloud was on the hourly forecast every hour from 6am-10pm. I had a pit in my stomach thinking about what this would do to his grand plans.

Friday I was working on his cake, and I dropped one of the layers straight out of the oven. Because it was so hot, it fell apart immediately upon impact of the floor. There was no salvaging it. At all. I was going to have to make another layer to replace that one. On my way to the store to gather a few additional ingredients, I began praying and crying. I've been rather tender and emotional lately, bruised being a good description. And I was praying honestly about nothing pertaining to Isaac's birthday. But then I began to ask for a couple of hours of no rain for my boy. My request was admittedly weak and felt unimportant. But I just asked God for some mercy and kindness towards both me and Isaac and to please give us a few hours in the afternoon/evening without rain. 

But I confess that in the midst of me asking, I felt almost immediate guilt for asking for God to change the weather when the state of the world is quite abysmal. It felt selfish. And short sighted. And I almost apologized for even asking, but I didn't. Because I really did believe God could stop the rain, and I knew Scripture said to cast ALL of our cares upon Him. Birthday weather included. 

Saturday morning we woke up to rain. Soccer got canceled. The forecast had not changed. But Isaac and I had already said we would pray the rain away, and we meant it. 

By late morning, the forecast DID start to change. The percentages dropped for the afternoon and evening. When I picked up my nephew at 3:30, there was even some sunshine breaking through the clouds. And for the duration of Isaac's party, there was not a drop of rain that fell from the sky. Water balloons and jumping on the trampoline with the hose and BONUS! total and complete mud fight amongst the 5 boys! 

All of Isaac's birthday requests came to fruition on Saturday and Sunday (cousins spent the night). I couldn't believe it, but also, I could. This was exactly the workings of a God who is in pursuit of His daughter. I have confidence Isaac and I would have figured out a way to make an indoor birthday party fun, but I'm profoundly grateful that we didn't have to. I tearfully told Adam about my feeble request on Friday afternoon, and what it did to my heart Saturday to see my birthday boy living up his best birthday! 

A part of me wanting to rationalize what just happened- the weather people- they rarely get it right, it seems. It probably was going to be clear anyways. But I made myself stop. God heard me. I'm choosing to believe that. I'm choosing to believe God's Father's heart, which is perfect, loves me and Isaac in a way that my love for Isaac doesn't even hold a candle to it. I'm choosing to believe.

And I'm choosing to build an altar. I will put a rock of remembrance here. I will remember the day I barely had the faith to ask, and God heard my cries for an afternoon without rain.