Awakened

Haiti provided several new awarenesses. Like, the excessive amounts of food that gets wasted and thrown away. We often pause before throwing things away, asking ourselves, "Can we use this in some way?" Because I think of those precious faces of our friends who scarfed down peanut butter tortillas- our leftovers.


Or as I'm doing loads of laundry. My first inclination is to complain about how tiny my washer is, hence the number of loads I have to do. But then as I fold, iron, and put away our clothes, I'm kind of embarrassed at the quantity of our clothes. I mean, honestly, we have enough t-shirts to dress the country of Haiti. Yes, an exaggeration, but you get the idea. 


As I flew from Miami to Dallas on our 3 part journey back to Seattle, I was listening to my ipod and journaling. The song, Awakening, came on. I sat there and listened to the words. And prayed. Asking the Lord to awaken our hearts. My heart. For the world. That His will would be done in me. I prayed that Haiti would be awakened. That out of the darkness would come a Light, just like the rising sun. 


And since Haiti, my heart for adoption has been awakened, yet again. Over a year ago, I posted about adoption. To be honest, I don't remember what provoked it. Or everything I said. Just that I felt strongly that adoption was for me. And at that point it was just me. Now, it's us. 


Since returning, I've spent hours researching, reading blogs, and thinking through it all. I go in circles in my thought process. Asking myself, "Are we too young?" Because people still ask if I'm in high school. But people wouldn't say I was too young if I was pregnant. "Can we afford the process?" Probably not. But I wholly trust God to be faithful. "Can I handle the heartache of the possible missteps, the waiting, etc?" Surely not on my own. 


We've heard so many times to enjoy these times because we'll never get them back. No kids, two jobs, and a carefree life. Nothing holding us down- no house payment, no debt. We're living large, right? All that changes when you add kids to the mix. And I admit, it was nice to just pack up and go to Haiti for a week. [We even said how grateful we were for that liberty.] In fact, we've heard, "Wait, wait, wait," so many times that surely it's wisdom, right? Jesus didn't start ministry until He was 30. Maybe that's a good age to start parenting. 


There's got to be a reason that some countries require you to be married for 5 years, even 10 years before adopting. Because it's hard. And it's serious. These kids have already seen unbelievable brokenness. The last thing these adoption agencies want is for these kids to be placed in a different devastating experience. 


And I'm left confused about it all. Because I thought part of following Jesus was dying to yourself and living out a sacrificial love. Which contradicts the "live carefree and enjoy the simplicity of your life" advice we keep getting. Ya, we can be living sacrificially in a different way. There are plenty of ways we can practice dying to ourselves. I'm not saying adoption/parenting is the only way for us to be those things right now. 


I've been reading through the numerous places in the Bible that talks about the poor and the fatherless. I've read about how God has given us a spirit of adoption by calling us His sons and daughters through Jesus. No longer a slave but a child of the most high God. We now have an inheritance because we have been adopted into His Kingdom. 


It's powerful. And I'm still working through it, wanting to grasp my own adoption through Christ. 


What I can't deny is the way my heart is stirred for "the least of these." The way I'm so drawn to adoption, and I'm convinced it's part of our calling. I know it'll never be convenient or easy. But I'm so willing and eager to see God move in the "impossible" of it all. I'm prayerfully asking God to guide our hearts and order our steps. Not wanting to rush ahead or be lulled into a comfortable lifestyle. I don't know what's best. 


But I want to be completely surrender to what God has for us, fully aware that it could look nothing like I imagine it. And I keep my eyes fixed on Him. 


"Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed." Psalm 82:3