1 Month-- Isaac style

Well, we did it! We made it a whole month with 2 under 2. Having a baby for the second time is much easier than the first. Now, having a toddler who is transitioning to the new creature in the house- not as easy! 

At this point, Isaac is a pretty chill baby. I know that there is still plenty of time for that to change. I think babies really start coming into their own at 6 weeks. He'll be 5 weeks tomorrow. A laid back baby would fit this family just great. 

Issac has fallen into a nice schedule, but again, I know babies change a lot. I feel like as soon as I get comfortable with the rhythm we've got going on things will inevitably change. The good thing is, I think we're a little more laid back this time around. 

The pediatrician recommended Isaac have tummy time 6-8 times a day. HA. HA. I'm lucky if I get it done once a day!!! 

I definitely think Isaac is growing faster than Nolan did. That belly of his is so cute!! He's getting some meat on his legs. I'm very curious to see if this kid is going to have chipmunk cheeks like his brother did. His hair is still a mystery. Sometimes it really looks like it's going to be auburn. But then other days I'm sure it's light brown. We'll see. 

All in all, a month of Isaac in this Tomberlin family has been great. I love snuggling him in the middle of the night. I love watching Nolan rub his head. I love his super soft cheeks that need to be kissed. The transition has been not the easiest on my Nolan, but I get glimpses of how much Nolan will love having a playmate. Eventually. 

He Made Us Brave

Well. My littlest boy did not comply with my pleadings when it comes to his birth date, but his story, our story, is worth telling. 

After my 38 week appointment, Adam and I were pretty sure that we would meet Simba before his due date. We were really hoping to make it to April 17th, but we started adjusting our thinking: baby boy could be here any day. 

We. were. wrong. 

I made it to my 39 week appointment. I had made no further progress, and the report from the doctor was a far cry from encouraging. Baby boy wasn't in a good position to get things going, and he looked to be sunny side up. They scheduled me to be induced on Wednesday, April 22nd- 6 days away. So, I still had time to do this on my own, but I would have this baby by the end of the day on the 22nd. 

With each passing day, I dreaded the induction. I knew being on pitocin would increase my chances of hemorrhaging again. Adam and I went back and forth as to whether I should do it or just keep waiting, but the waiting was draining. We both carried the weight of what could happen this time around. Plus, if baby boy got too much bigger, they were concerned about him getting beneath my pelvic bone, a problem Nolan had. 

Tuesday morning came upon us, and we would be checking into the hospital at 6 that evening. Suffice it to say I was pretty fragile all day. I was wanting to soak up every minute with Nolan, the last day of it just being us, and I also wanted to just get this baby out and know that we both would be okay. Nolan regularly asks me to sing Let It Be Jesus by Christy Nockels before his naps. As I held him  and sang, that sweet boy fell asleep in my arms, and I pretty much lost it. 

I felt so confident that God was reliable, trustworthy, and so much bigger than my fears but in those moments I just wanted to hold my little boy forever. 

When Adam and I arrived at the hospital I had the attitude of- let's get this over with! We walked into our labor and delivery room and immediately I felt the urge to run. We both commented that just being in the room made our anxiety spike. It was an entirely different room, different hospital, different state for crying out loud, but it felt all too familiar. 

We found out within an hour that I wouldn't be able to get on the first medication because I was too far dilated, so we would spend the night in the hospital for no reason. Wanna talk about a restless night's sleep? That was it. 
I asked Adam to get in bed with me for a little bit to watch Netflix just so I could be near him.

At 5:00 am, the pitocin was started, and the nurse came in every 15 minutes to increase the flow. I had pretty much decided that I would be getting an epidural with an induction because of my nerves and my inability to labor like I'd want to due to being attached to the baby monitor and the IV pole. Contractions started pretty quickly, but they weren't bad for the first couple of hours. I eventually got up out of bed to stand and walk a little bit, and before I knew it, the doctor came in to break my water. 

I knew this would likely increase the intensity of labor, but I didn't want to get the epidural too quickly into the process in case this turned into a crazy long labor session. I moved to the rocker, and Adam and I watched Friends on the iPad. I rocked through contractions, and they began to pick up in frequency, duration, and intensity. I didn't know how quickly I was progressing, but I went ahead and asked for the epidural. 

By the time the doctor gave me the epidural, and my nurse checked me, I was at 7cm dilated and labor was moving quickly. 

At 11 the nurse thought I was probably close to fully dilated and went to tell the doctor that I'd be ready to push soon. 

At this point, I asked Adam to play You Make Me Brave by Bethel, the song we'd been playing quite frequently in the last few weeks as we thought about this very moment we were about to face. I was laying in the hospital bed, hooked up to oxygen because they felt like the baby was under stress. I cried silent tears as I chose to fully trust God and be wholly surrendered to Him in this. 

At 11:45 the doctor finally came back in, and I knew I was ready to push because of the pressure I was feeling. They set everything up, and at 11:55, we began the pushing process. Adam had been pacing in anticipation of this, but he got into position to help me bring this boy into the world. 

It only took 20 minutes to push Isaac out, and it was the most peaceful 20 minutes of the entire time. The doctor and nurse were so calm, laid back, and gently talked me through each contraction. I couldn't believe it. The environment was so drastically different from Nolan's. When Dr. Godwin said, "He's 25% out. You'll get him on the next set." I responded with, "Seriously?!" I couldn't believe it. 

Sure enough on the next set, Isaac was placed on me and then quickly whisked away to clean him up. 

I was so relieved to have pushed Isaac out without complication and without 3 hours having passed!!! 

But neither one of us could fully enjoy that baby until we knew the next moments would also be covered in peace. I delivered the placenta, and I prayed. I prayed that my body would do what it was supposed to. I prayed that the peace that was so present for delivery would stay. I prayed that we'd be brave. 

And nothing happened.

I was fine. 

They brought me Isaac for skin on skin time, and I cried out of relief. My baby boy was here. We were both fine. 

The name Isaac means laughter. One of the things I had started claiming for this delivery is that Adam and I would be able to laugh, not necessarily in the midst of it, but after. That we'd laugh with joy at the faithfulness of God and the ways our anxiety was so unnecessary. And laugh we have! 

When we left the hospital on Friday, Adam asked me to play You Make Me Brave. And as that song filled our car with our sleeping boy in the backseat, I again cried. It was really over. We were on our way to be with Nolan, and God had answered our pleas. I was so grateful for the ways God loved me through this process AND gave us the cutie Isaac- healthy and whole. 

Time is Ticking. Right?

I'm 39 weeks pregnant, and these are my struggles.

:: I typically eat at least 1 salad a day for a meal. I honestly can't remember a time in my life when I've eaten so much lettuce. But lately (the last 4 days) I find myself thinking, "Is this really the last meal I want to eat before I go into labor? Would something with a little more substance sustain me better?" This can be a dangerous way of thinking. The salads have continued. 

:: Each night I lay in bed and hope that I sleep good (which is close to impossible at this point in pregnancy) AND that labor doesn't start before a reasonable time in the morning. Who wants to start the sleep deprived season that is having a newborn with a sleep deprived labor session? Not me. 

:: When I pep talk myself by saying so many women have shorter labors the second time around, the not so optimistic part of me quickly does the math. If my labor is cut in half from what I did with Nolan, that's still 36 hours. The pushing would be 1.5 hours. I'm gonna need more than a 50% cut!!! 

:: Adam usually does Nolan's bedtime routine. In the past when Nolan would plead for me, my general feelings would be- Tough Tacos. But now. If Nolan pleads for me, I melt like a stick of butter in the middle of July. Because I know everything's about to change, and I'm holding my baby a little tighter these days. 

:: I'm doing laundry way more frequently than normal or necessary. Because for all I know, I'm going to have a baby and end up coming home to a mountain of laundry. No one wants that. Plus, there are only a handful of items I semi enjoy wearing at this point. So, I wash. A lot. 

:: The desire to not cook right now is so strong. And honestly, I don't think it's the actual cooking part. Well, it's part of it. It's also the brain powers necessary to plan a dinner to cook. It's hard, man. The grocery list took me so long to make last week. I can only imagine what will happen this week. I personally am not above Chick-fil-a every day.

:: Even though I did a 72 hour labor session with Nolan, I'm still nervous about the contractions. I think I was in a better place mentally to handle contractions with Nolan because I was so set on delivering naturally. While that is my desire with this one, what I really, really, really want is a smooth delivery that doesn't end in chaos and hemorrhaging. If that includes an epidural, I don't see myself being all that disappointed in myself. 

:: My motivation for getting through labor-- a fresh Jimmy John's sub. I want it bad. 

These are my 39 week pregnant struggles. My biggest question is this: will I have 40 week pregnant struggles? 

Toddler Lessons

I know Nolan really well at this point. Granted, he's a toddler, so his emotions, actions, and reactions are absolutely unpredictable at any given moment. But I know his heart. I know what he loves, what he doesn't love. But of course I do, we spend all day, everyday together. 

So, when I tell Nolan, "Buddy, Mommy is going to go to the bathroom," I know he's going to immediately whine until I say, "You can come with me!" And he always does. [Yes, I have an audience all.the.time.]

It unfolds the same when I need to get ready in the morning. I'll tell Nolan that I'm going to go to my room, but that he's welcome to come with me. 

And he always does.

Nolan is enthralled with playing with cars right now. He loves them. It's often the first thing he wants to do when he wakes up. It's something he plays with that doesn't require a playmate or assistance or intervention at all. He loves his cars. 

Earlier this week, he was completely lost in playing with his cars, and I let him know that I was going to get dressed. He looked at his cars and back at me as if picking between the options was difficult. But he hopped right up and followed me into my room. 

Over the course of the next few minutes I picked out clothes (which is just annoying at this point in pregnancy), got dressed, brushed my teeth, etc. I noticed Nolan was running to the family room, grabbing a car or 2 and bringing them back to my room. He'd come check on me in the bathroom, just to see what I was doing. Go grab a car. Play with the cars. And this continued.

As I peeked at my little boy at one point, I realized something. Nolan just likes to be near me. He was perfectly content playing with his cars on my dresser. I wasn't playing with him. We weren't talking. He just likes to be near me. Every once in a while he would call out, "Mommy!" But that child loves a good roll call. 

And man, right in that moment, I knew that I wanted my heart to yearn to be with my Father like that. The days are crazy (and about to get crazier), but I want to want to just dwell with my Creator- in the quiet and in the chaos. The ease Nolan feels by just being in the same room as me is remarkable. When I tell him I'm going to another room, his natural inclination is to follow me, simply to be with me. 

I've found a lot of verses in the Psalms to arm myself with against anxiety. A very common word in my arsenal of verses is refuge. I've been drawn to those verses because of the image it conjures in my mind. I'm not sure refuge is the best word to describe how Nolan feels around me, but I do know that I'm his safest place. Nolan certainly likes to be around me when he feels insecure, but even when he's at home, he enjoys the calm of my presence. 

And I can't help but see that it's because of the day in and day out of our relationship that it's so easy for him to lean in to me and find security in the unsettling moments he faces. 

As I prepare to birth this baby (in less than 2 weeks please, Jesus), I know I'm going to want to take refuge in the Lord- in His strength and His protection. But perhaps the discipline of taking refuge in Him and just being with Him in the ordinary days is what will make the hard days more manageable. It's what will make leaning into Him during labor and delivery feel natural and safe. 

My sweet boy is teaching me how to just be. 
And a lot of days he's also teaching me patience. :) 

"from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy." Psalm 61:2-3

1 Month to Go

My Big Boy,

Gosh. You're growing up so fast. I keep looking at you and trying so hard to take you in, but it's really hard because you're always on the move. The times when I actually get to hold you in my lap, I savor it. I literally breathe you in and kiss you tons because these moments feel like they're coming and going so quickly. How are you about to be a big brother? Didn't I just cradle you against my chest for the first time?

We're a month away from your brother's due date! Whereas I cannot wait for pregnancy to be over, I'm cherishing these days I have with you. I'm not worried at all about having enough love for you and Simba. From the moment you came onto the scene you've been stretching and growing my ability to love. Your tiny little self made my heart explode within seconds of laying eyes on you, and I cannot count how many times that's continued to happen in the last 20 months of your life. Of course I have room in this heart of mine to love another because you've already created so much space in it! 

But Buddy, things are going to change. There's going to be another little boy needing me too. And just because I don't get "up, up, up" right away for you doesn't mean I love you any less. Just because I can't hold you every time those perfect arms reach up for me doesn't mean I want to hold you any less. We're just gonna grow a little bit. You'll thank me one day. Just know, my love for you is not changing. Our family is changing. But there's nothing that could possibly make me love you less. 

You, Nolan, light up my days. Your smile melts me. Your giggle makes me giggle. Your hands in my hair might relax me as much as it comforts you. I'll never tire of you wanting me to pinch your booty, sing to you at night, or the way you plop down on my lap even with a very big belly in the way. 

I know I was trying to coach you to call yourself a big boy, but I had to stop. Because, Nolan, you are still my baby boy. And I know you'll look like a giant the second Simba makes his entrance, but for right now...for the next month...you are my only baby. You're my sweet baby boy who makes me want to be a better Mama everyday. 

I love you, handsome boy. I love your curls. I love your shy smile when people are talking to you at the store. I love your little language that is developing so much. I love the way you ask for bunny snacks by hopping. I love that you love music. I love watching you at the zoo. I love that you are enamored with throwing rocks into the river. I just love every fiber of your being. I'm so happy to be your mom. 

Noley, we're in this thing together. Life's going to get crazy up in here very soon. But I'm so excited to watch you become a big brother. You are going to be amazing! I love you, son. Forever and ever. 

Love,

Mama 

This One's For You, Adam!

Dear Adam,

Here comes a public letter of my admiration of your Daddy-ness. 

You are awesome. You are needed. You are so dearly loved. In case there is ever a doubt, you are absolutely a necessary part of this family's equation.  

The role you play in Nolan's life is not one I want to compete with. The relationship and bond you boys share is precious and priceless and part of what makes Nolan who he is. Your presence in his days makes him feel more confident and steady. I know this because we've been without you for the past 3.5 days. 

There's lots of talk about how wonderful and sacred the relationship is between mother and child. And obviously I know that Nolan loves me, needs me, wants me, etc. But I don't think dads get enough credit. So hear me when I say this: I so value your relationship with our son(s) and know you play a significant part in his (their) well being. I am not the only one doing the shaping, the nurturing, and the rearing. And boy, am I glad!

This parenting gig was meant to be a team effort. And I'm so glad you're on my team. Or I'm on yours. That we're in this together. I love the ways we balance each other out and let each other's strengths shine. I love that you light up our little boy's world with your silly antics. I love that you make him laugh harder than anyone else. 

I love that he's watching you, Adam. I'm so thankful that I'm not having to teach him how to be a man. Because that's just not my job. It's yours. And you're doing it so well. No, I wouldn't let him hold a razor this young, but he loves that you do that with him. I look forward to watching you teach him and train him in the ways of manhood (and have the sex talk, thankyouverymuch). Your voice in his life is so crucial. 

This son of ours, he missed you something fierce. He hoped upon hope with every sound he heard that you were coming home. Every time my phone rang. Every time we heard a knock. Every time he woke up. Daddy? And my heart both ached and soared. You, my love, are a fantastic dad. You're Daddy status in Nolan's life is on lock! 

We love you. We love your place in our family. We certainly felt incomplete without you. I doubt Nolan will show just how happy he is to see you tomorrow, but I know that his insides will be bursting with joy. His life will feel normal again, and he'll be safe in your arms. And inevitably, he'll demand to be in mine. Adam Tomberlin, you are a hunk of a husband and a heck of dad! I'm so happy to do life with you. 

Now come home. 
PLEASE.

Love,

Yours Truly 

10 Truths Tuesday

Just 10 things that are true for this Tomberlin family, in no particular order. 

1. Nolan, age 19 months, is currently obsessed with rhinos. He super loves animals right now, but the rhino has won his heart. His first encounter with one at the zoo has changed him forever (which in toddler time is like 2 weeks). When he talks to you about the rhino, he will definitely let you know it pooped. Yes. Nolan saw the rhino poop, and his world has never been the same since. 

This is Nolan looking at the rhino he so dearly loves. 

2. This pregnancy I've done some things differently. I've exercised a lot more than I ever did with Nolan, and I've resisted the urge to give in to my worst cravings. But lately I've completely succumbed to my desire for 2 things: avocado and banana peppers. YUM. They always sound good. Not necessarily together, though I have put them both on a salad or wrap. 

3. I've never really loved the season of spring, but I am very excited to transition seasons. VERY EXCITED. I'm over the cold temperatures. I'm tired of being indoors. Come on, Spring. I'm ready for you. Nolan's ready for you. Simba probably isn't ready for you, but that's okay. 

4. I helped my mom throw a bridal shower for my cousin last month, and I'm throwing one for my sister next month. Though a little tricky at times to work on  and shop for these shindigs with Nolan, I do find myself enjoying it. Not because I'm great at throwing a pinterest worthy party (I'm not), but because I really, really want the guest of honor to feel special. I want my sister to feel celebrated, loved, and cherished. That's what keeps me going on all of the details. And I love a reason to be crafty and creative. 

5. Nolan still loves my hair. It's very soothing and comforting for him to have his little hands in my hair. When I'm putting him to bed, he snuggles into my chest and interlocks his fingers in my hair, and that's pretty much his happy place. 

6. I've been treasuring these times as a family of 3. I keep thinking about how everything is going to change soon. But I felt that way right before Nolan was born too. I've never once in Nolan's life wished to go back to the days of just me and Adam. So, I'm trusting that to be true with Simba too. I am certainly aware that the transition could be hard on Nolan. Each night I pray for Nolan's sweet heart to be feel safe and sure and confident of his place in our family when Simba gets here. And I'm praying for a crazy early bond with his brother. 

7. Adam started a new job last week. A job we prayed and believed and prayed some more for. It's exciting to see him fired up, excited, and eager about this new position. 

8. Nolan's curls are still irresistible. 

We went through a season of Nolan insisting on being only in his diaper each morning. 

9. We are very much in the middle of basketball season. Adam has taught Nolan how to "thunder dunk" on his basketball hoop. And our little one and a half year old nugget has come to love watching basketball. Preferably with a basketball in his hands. How stinkin' cute is that?! 

10. This final truth goes with my karate chopping skills. I've been working to combat any anxiety regarding delivery with Scripture. Again, I'm not doing this to assure myself a "pass" on any hardships during delivery. I'm wanting to arm myself with Truth as my tools to fight fear. I might need to write all the verses I'm collecting on 3x5 cards to hang around the apartment in these final weeks of pregnancy. 

"I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure." Psalm 16:8-9

"For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God- his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:28-30